Author Topic: Here I go again :-(  (Read 116961 times)

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Online Laurie

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Here I go again :-(
« on: March 10, 2017, 12:45:20 pm »
   Just got the call I've been waiting for.  For all my posts where I've parroted the advice of those of you that know better than I,  and how seeing seeing a gender therapist is a highly recommended step in obtaining help for our specific needs in our journeys...  Why is it I am getting such butterflies in my tummy now that it is my turn? I was already becoming worried over my daughter returning from out of state and my plans to go visit for that "talk" with her and her husband. But that just got preempted.

  Monday morning it happens. That's only a weekend away. I can't even describe what I am now feeling right now. I can give you a hint though. It isn't joy.

Jeanette

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2017, 12:50:51 pm »
Relax!  You'll be fine!  Talking to a gender therapist is one of the best things about transition.  You get to talk about your favourite subject (yourself :) ) without all the pretence that you have to use with others.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

Offline Asche

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2017, 12:54:45 pm »
[appointment with gender therapist is Monday]

 I can't even describe what I am now feeling right now. I can give you a hint though. It isn't joy.

Let me guess: terror?

I don't know enough about you to say terror of what, but I can think of some things that might make sense:

* Fear that you'll find out things about yourself that you don't want to know?
* Fear that they'll say you aren't really trans?  Or convince you that you aren't?
* Fear that this means it's going to be really real?

I think most of us are scared at various steps because we are making big changes and it could all be a big mistake -- or so we fear.  And we won't know the outcomes until we actually make those big, irrevocable steps.

Hope this isn't completely off-base, or if it is, you can just ignore it.



"...  I think I'm great just the way I am, and so are you." -- Jazz Jennings



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Offline Colleen_definitely

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2017, 01:09:03 pm »
Jeanette,

Take a deep breath and chill out.  You're presenting, and you're on HRT.  I fail to see how a gender therapist could have any doubts as to the nature of your condition.  This person is there to help you out, not act as some sort of inquisition. (nobody expects the gender inquisition!)

I was scared to death going into mine because I was afraid to admit to myself what I was after running for so long.  That talk was quite simply life changing.  For you it is likely to be mostly a procedural kind of deal since you're at the point of accepting yourself already, but it is certain to be helpful and relieving for you as well.

Online Laurie

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #4 on: March 10, 2017, 01:23:08 pm »

* Fear that you'll find out things about yourself that you don't want to know?
* Fear that they'll say you aren't really trans?  Or convince you that you aren't?
* Fear that this means it's going to be really real?

I think most of us are scared at various steps because we are making big changes and it could all be a big mistake -- or so we fear.  And we won't know the outcomes until we actually make those big, irrevocable steps.

Hope this isn't completely off-base, or if it is, you can just ignore it.

 Hi Asche

  I don't think it qualifies as terror. But it is definitely apprehension and fear.

  I also do not think it is learning more about me
  There is some aspect of " am I really trans " for sure but not so much.

   Fear that this means it's going to be really real? This one is a FOR SURE. Each and every step has has filled me with apprehension and makes it more real. Each step feels as you say "irrevocable" They haven't made it any easier.
  When I started HRT, I felt I could do it and stop if I decided it wasn't right for me, I haven't stopped and I am running out of that grace period where it wasn't irrevocable. I haven't stopped, yet. But I still have those nagging doubts. With each doctor visit I delve deeper into belonging here, really belonging. I think I fear that being true.

  I'm not sure that makes any sense.

 Jeanette

  Heck I'm even crying about it now. Dang hormones.

Offline Daniellekai

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2017, 01:53:57 pm »
I'm still trying to get my appointment, I was terrified the first time and the second time I called, terrified taking to her when she called back, terrified to go to the transgender support group she invited me to, and terrified on my third call asking for an appointment (still waiting for a call back). I have no doubt in my mind that I'll be happier on HRT with a therapist guiding a transition for me, that isn't to say I don't have doubts though, I'm full of doubts, but I actually can't even imagine being as miserable of a girl as I am a man.

There's only one good reason to transition, you internally identify with the opposite gender.
There's seemingly a million reasons not to transition. Work, friends, family, society, infertility being the worst ones, but what is having any of those things if you can't be yourself?



Offline Shy

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2017, 02:13:56 pm »
Aw Jeanette, you got me going now and I haven't started hormones yet.

Remember it's your life, only you can choose what's best for you. The therapist is just there to help untangle the yarn ball and hopefully clear the way for some positive choices in the future, nothing more.

I had exactly the same apprehension when I was first referred to the gender clinic. I even said to my therapist at the time (non gender) that "this is really happening isn't it?" She smiled and said "yes, if you want it to". I didn't know whether to cry, laugh or fart. My stomach churned like maelstrom for the next week. ;D

Peace and wisdom for the future,

Shy

Online Laurie

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2017, 02:36:08 pm »
Thank you all for the replies and encouragement.

  Shy - You'll get your HRT. You are doing it the right way and it takes a bit longer.

   Danielle - I do understand that fear. Didn't you read this post?  Lol just kidding.

  I'm feeling a little better. I don't know why I had this panic attack. I know what to expect from this therapy, I think. It's is a good thing for me to be going to see a gender  therapist. A gender therapist can help me with my issues and help me deal with them. A gender therapist can help me decide on a plan to for what to do next.

  All good and I think valid points. Then why do I feel apprehension about  going to see him?
  I know I shouldn't but it is there. I guess it doesn't really matter because I made the appointment and I have committed to being there, ergo I will be there

   Jeanette

Offline J2J

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2017, 10:34:45 pm »
Wishing you well Jeanette!

I can relate as I did email a gender clinic in the UK to enquire about starting therapy, I couldn't even open their reply as I was just so anxious and scared and then when I did read their email telling me how it works there I just got so overwhelmed and scared I never emailed back.

You'll be fine!

J2J.

Online Laurie

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #9 on: March 10, 2017, 11:16:08 pm »
Thank you all.
 
  I think it was just a minor panic attack. I never used to be this nervous about things and I've never been a worrier. But here I am fretting like a school girl before a date.  I'll be okay. Once I get there and actually meet with him I'll be fine.  I have the whole weekend to get there. lol

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

Online LizK

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #10 on: March 10, 2017, 11:40:56 pm »
C'mon Girl you got this and you will be splendid

Just be yourself...Don't be afraid, I am sure you will get a good one and if you don't then I am sure you have the maturity to get what you want and move on with a minimum of fuss. I know how difficult these last 24 hours and everyone told me not to worry before you know it you will be living fulltime on HRT and planning for SRS..yeah sure I said...nothing ever works out that smoothly for me...oh wait a minute, it just did. This is going to work out for you... have a bit of faith in yourself

Hugs
Liz
HRT since 17 May 2016, Fulltime from 8 March 2017, GCS Scheduled November 28 2018, Transition Begun 25 September 2015 

65D20H15M BWCA? ;D

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be – Lao Tzu

 

Online Laurie

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #11 on: March 10, 2017, 11:45:18 pm »
Thanks for the pep talk Liz.

 I'm still really impressed about what you've done.

 I'm  telling myself, "This too shall pass"

 Hugs,
    Jeanette

Offline Janes Groove

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #12 on: March 10, 2017, 11:50:18 pm »
It's just another step in the journey. We've all been there.

Pro tip: Be sure to bring a box of  tissues (for all the tears you'll be crying). Just kidding. He's a gender therapist. He'll definitely have tissues.
Assigned Male at Birth - 1958
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Came out, started living full time - Thanksgiving 2015
Started HRT - 5-27-2016

Estrogen HRT = the surprising arrival of a rainbow within me.

Online LizK

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #13 on: March 10, 2017, 11:50:49 pm »
You wait till I post my old man pictures along side my current one...save yourself the wait just go to the dictionary and look up tragic to see my first ones....ha ha
HRT since 17 May 2016, Fulltime from 8 March 2017, GCS Scheduled November 28 2018, Transition Begun 25 September 2015 

65D20H15M BWCA? ;D

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be – Lao Tzu

 

Online Laurie

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #14 on: March 11, 2017, 12:06:17 am »
It's just another step in the journey. We've all been there.

Pro tip: Be sure to bring a box of  tissues (for all the tears you'll be crying). Just kidding. He's a gender therapist. He'll definitely have tissues.

 Hi Jane,

  Thank you.
  You are so right this is just another step in my journey. And I know everyone has been there. But this time it's me having to take that step. And like each of the few others I've taken, I get hit with that queasy feeling in my tummy  and my mind want to scream at me "WHAT THE (expletive deleted) ARE YOU DOING? Hence the topic I chose... Here I go again. I panic and want to stop what I am doing before it's too late and run away.
But in the morning I'll put my HRT meds in my mouth and continue just like I did this morning and the morning before that and the one before that.

 

  You made me laugh out loud with your tissue advice.  Yes, I'm sure you are right that he will have tissues available.

 Hugs,
   Jeanette
« Last Edit: September 04, 2017, 01:08:37 am by Laurie »

Offline Floof

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #15 on: March 11, 2017, 08:01:00 am »
Totally get having a bit of nerves before but absolutely the right thing to be doing, and its going to be so good for you too. No worries, you got this big sis <3 . I'm so sure you'll feel absolutely amazing after you've been!
Reisen er lang, hard og full av farer; vær modig mine brødre og søstre <3




SRS w/ Dr. Chet May 12th 2017

Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #16 on: March 11, 2017, 09:07:35 am »
Jeannette,
   I have no great wisdom to give that will make this less scary. Everyone on this site knows fear. You will handle it. You will come out of your session knowing more. You will feel better. You will battle the enemy, fear, and you will have kicked its butt. Take the pressure off by knowing there is no trans test involved. This thing is not letting go of you. If it was you wouldn't be on this site rearranging the furniture as you do. You are not silly, crazy or deluded. As I look back, I have done so many things I thought impossible. You are no different. You will be amazed at what you are capable of. Go Girl!
Moni
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
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HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A

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Offline Deborah

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2017, 09:50:42 am »
It's pretty scary the first time since for many of us it is the first time these words are verbalized to another human face to face.  But after it's over you will feel a flood of relief and maybe euphoria as you no longer are in deathly suppression. 

While discussing these thing in forums is a great help it's a whole other thing with a live human and spoken words. 

You will be very happy afterwords.  After my first therapy appointment, and I was terrified going in, I felt that the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. 



Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote
Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that is contingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being....  - Dan Barker

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Online Laurie

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #18 on: March 11, 2017, 09:52:31 am »
Floof and Moni,

   Thank you, thank you very much. You  both are right in what you say.  I'm fine now, well, fine until I have to go out the door for the appointment, I am.  But I will go and see what this guy has to say. I'll go and see what he can do for me.  I'm not laying down on no couch for him though, No Way!. Lol

 Floof I like "Reisen er lang, hard og full av farer;vær modig mine brødre og søstre" from you posts.

  I'm fine, (anyone know the AA definition?)

   Hugs,
    Jeanette

 

Online Laurie

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Re: Here I go again :-(
« Reply #19 on: March 11, 2017, 10:02:15 am »
While discussing these thing in forums is a great help it's a whole other thing with a live human and spoken words. 

You will be very happy afterwords.   I felt that the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. 


 Thank you For your words  of encouragement, Deborah. I absolutely agree with what you said about the difference between posting here in the forums and talking with a live body.  Here I can be silly and lighthearted. yes, sometimes the serious stuff has to come out but it is different than having to bare my sole to a professional. ( Good thing I don't believe in those)

  I'm not sure I'm happy with my growing list of professionals that are grouped under the heading of "Mental Health". Someone could get the idea that I'm nuts. LOL

  Hugs Moni and thanks,
   Jeanette

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