Author Topic: My gender confusion  (Read 1706 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Charlie Nicki

  • Finally finding myself
  • *
  • Posts: 1,923
  • Reputation: +16/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #20 on: March 19, 2019, 10:41:11 am »
They will. Look how much better they are already!

When reading your entry the one above it caught my eye. I’d forgotten I’d written that, way back in September 2017. Things have changed so much for me! I’ve been full time since October 2017, my name and gender is officially changed, I have a wonderful new girlfriend, I am a member of multiple women-only organizations and clubs, I’ve had FFS and have an appointment for more, and I have an appointment for GCS in September.

I told my therapist that I’m convinced that my social transition is finished, and he agrees. All that’s left is the physical transition in the form of those surgeries, and detaching myself from my current domestic situation (divorce) so I can move on with my new soulmate.

Life is so much better now, and the future looks even better. I hope it seems that way to you, too.


Stephanie

Hi Steph!

Wow a lot has definitely changed in your life. It's been a while since I've read your thread so I didn't know about your FFS or divorce. Well I'm glad that you have found love again! I'll feel complete once love finds me.
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline steph2.0

  • AKA Galaxy Girl
  • Family
  • *****
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 3,529
  • Reputation: +20/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Replacing existing with living
My gender confusion
« Reply #21 on: March 19, 2019, 10:52:22 am »
Hi Steph!

Wow a lot has definitely changed in your life. It's been a while since I've read your thread so I didn't know about your FFS or divorce. Well I'm glad that you have found love again! I'll feel complete once love finds me.

No divorce yet. Currently we’re staying together for the sake of the kid - our dog. It’s hard being with my love on weekends then having to go back to that old world for the week, but it won’t last forever.

I have more facial work coming up in June - face and neck lift, and general facial rejuvenation and feminization, possibly body sculpting to give me a waist and some semblance of hips, and maybe a little cosmetic dentistry? Then in September my GCS with Bowers.

In the meantime I’ve found the most wonderful person - sister Susan’s member @sassycassie - to think about the rest of my life with. I am so incredibly lucky! You’ll find someone, too!

Be well!

Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * Facelift and Lipo Body Sculpting at Ocean Clinic 6/13-14/2019 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/11/2019

Offline Tribble

  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 175
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #22 on: March 19, 2019, 01:58:39 pm »
No divorce yet. Currently we’re staying together for the sake of the kid - our dog. It’s hard being with my love on weekends then having to go back to that old world for the week, but it won’t last forever.

I have more facial work coming up in June - face and neck lift, and general facial rejuvenation and feminization, possibly body sculpting to give me a waist and some semblance of hips, and maybe a little cosmetic dentistry? Then in September my GCS with Bowers.

In the meantime I’ve found the most wonderful person - sister Susan’s member @sassycassie - to think about the rest of my life with. I am so incredibly lucky! You’ll find someone, too!

Be well!

Stephanie

No children other than cats here, but I'm kind of in the same situation you're in at the moment, but for other reasons.  I'm cohabitating with my not-yet-ex and we're not planning for that to change any time soon.  He has nowhere to go and loves our girls as much as I do.

This body sculpting...gonna need to look into that.  Although dysmorphia seems to be a taboo subject in trans circles, boy, do I got it (not talking about genitals, but the rest of my body...I'm obsessing all the time).  All the way down (up?) to the shape of the crown of my skull.
2003-2004 -- Gradual transition -- I didn't correct pronouns and people basically settled on the right ones on their own.
late 2004 -- Orchiectomy.
Late 2015 -- Stupidly saw the political climate and spurned on by my husband's request for a divorce I detransitioned.
2019 -- Rebuilding my wardrobe so I can retransition.  Turns out I cain't bury my true self, after all.  I call these last few years my failed experiment.  At least I found my true feelings were real.

Offline steph2.0

  • AKA Galaxy Girl
  • Family
  • *****
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 3,529
  • Reputation: +20/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Replacing existing with living
Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #23 on: March 19, 2019, 03:53:49 pm »
This body sculpting...gonna need to look into that.  Although dysmorphia seems to be a taboo subject in trans circles, boy, do I got it (not talking about genitals, but the rest of my body...I'm obsessing all the time).  All the way down (up?) to the shape of the crown of my skull.

Taboo? I don’t understand that. FFS and GCS are openly discussed, accepted, and desired. Why would making the rest of our bodies congruent with our minds be off the table? Whoever tries to set those rules isn’t worth listening to.

My body, my rules!

Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * Facelift and Lipo Body Sculpting at Ocean Clinic 6/13-14/2019 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/11/2019

Offline Megan.

  • *
  • Posts: 3,258
  • Reputation: +16/-0
Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #24 on: March 19, 2019, 04:09:00 pm »
Agree, I'm (probably like many) not happy with my body shape; but have no issue taking about it.

I've looked a couple times at coolsculpting as a possible toe in the water way of maybe tweaking my body shape. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk


Offline Tribble

  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 175
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #25 on: March 19, 2019, 04:18:07 pm »
Taboo? I don’t understand that. FFS and GCS are openly discussed, accepted, and desired. Why would making the rest of our bodies congruent with our minds be off the table? Whoever tries to set those rules isn’t worth listening to.

My body, my rules!

Stephanie

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.  FFS and GCS are generally considered parts of dysphoria and separate from dysmorphia.  I'm pretty sure hip and waist work would also be considered under dysphoria.  Dysmorphia may or may not be different in some people's minds and I've heard people rail against the use of the term dysmorphia when it comes to trans body image issues.  I, personally, believe I fit the description of both if they are separate human conditions.  For example, I obsess over the size of my hands, feet, overall shape, the shape of my skull (I would love a short hairstyle, but my skull is, frankly, pretty obviously representative of the male anatomy).  Every little thing to me, calves, forearms (having ridden BMX bikes a lot in my youth and having been a bass player in my past, both my calves and my forearms are really large and I haven't figured out how to reduce their sizes).

I never mean to offend and I'm just picking up on what's new since I first started this journey over 16 years ago.  You may or not be amazed at what's changed in the 13 years or so that I've been out of the community online and I was never really in the community locally due to a bad experience (friggin' hierarchies!!!).

All of that said, I didn't know surgical waist shaping was a thing at all beyond rib removal, which last I'd heard, was not recommended.  Again, I need to renew my knowledge.  Everything about it may have changed since I'd last heard.
2003-2004 -- Gradual transition -- I didn't correct pronouns and people basically settled on the right ones on their own.
late 2004 -- Orchiectomy.
Late 2015 -- Stupidly saw the political climate and spurned on by my husband's request for a divorce I detransitioned.
2019 -- Rebuilding my wardrobe so I can retransition.  Turns out I cain't bury my true self, after all.  I call these last few years my failed experiment.  At least I found my true feelings were real.

Offline steph2.0

  • AKA Galaxy Girl
  • Family
  • *****
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 3,529
  • Reputation: +20/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Replacing existing with living
Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #26 on: March 19, 2019, 07:27:03 pm »
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.  FFS and GCS are generally considered parts of dysphoria and separate from dysmorphia.  I'm pretty sure hip and waist work would also be considered under dysphoria.  Dysmorphia may or may not be different in some people's minds and I've heard people rail against the use of the term dysmorphia when it comes to trans body image issues.  I, personally, believe I fit the description of both if they are separate human conditions.  For example, I obsess over the size of my hands, feet, overall shape, the shape of my skull (I would love a short hairstyle, but my skull is, frankly, pretty obviously representative of the male anatomy).  Every little thing to me, calves, forearms (having ridden BMX bikes a lot in my youth and having been a bass player in my past, both my calves and my forearms are really large and I haven't figured out how to reduce their sizes).

I never mean to offend and I'm just picking up on what's new since I first started this journey over 16 years ago.  You may or not be amazed at what's changed in the 13 years or so that I've been out of the community online and I was never really in the community locally due to a bad experience (friggin' hierarchies!!!).

All of that said, I didn't know surgical waist shaping was a thing at all beyond rib removal, which last I'd heard, was not recommended.  Again, I need to renew my knowledge.  Everything about it may have changed since I'd last heard.

Oh, you certainly didn’t offend me! I was just surprised that anyone would judge someone for trying to be themselves. I was following the CD/Trans* World as far back as BBS’s and Compuserve, and I do remember a lot of sniping and cliqueishness, so things do seem different today. It was a bit like other services are today. It’s why I made my home here.

The world I saw way back then was one of the reasons I stayed hidden until I was 58 years old. I’m glad you’re here to remind us how far we’ve come, and I give you serious cred for getting through it back then.

Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * Facelift and Lipo Body Sculpting at Ocean Clinic 6/13-14/2019 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/11/2019

Offline Tribble

  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 175
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #27 on: March 19, 2019, 08:11:12 pm »
Oh, you certainly didn’t offend me! I was just surprised that anyone would judge someone for trying to be themselves. I was following the CD/Trans* World as far back as BBS’s and Compuserve, and I do remember a lot of sniping and cliqueishness, so things do seem different today. It was a bit like other services are today. It’s why I made my home here.

The world I saw way back then was one of the reasons I stayed hidden until I was 58 years old. I’m glad you’re here to remind us how far we’ve come, and I give you serious cred for getting through it back then.

Stephanie

Our pioneer mothers and fathers came way before me, but we do have a long path ahead of us yet.

I did hear that some groups do still retain that stupid hierarchy which is why I bowed out of the local scene as soon as I arrived.  I decided to slip into relative stealth or at least fly under most people's radars.  I left the online community soon after as, to my shame, I had my husband and I just wanted to disappear into the woodwork.

This dysphoria/dysmorphia distinction is new to me.  We were still mostly using GID and it was a non-gender therapist at a halfway home after one of my suicide attempts that suggested that what I was going through was not a disorder, at all.  I was being me.  I do see a lot of subjects mentioned nowadays that were once so taboo that no one would talk about them then even in private.  I understand it was because of the gatekeepers, but I was pretty open with my first gender therapist and was able to start hormones less than three months after seeing her and I was still in male mode.  I didn't invent the term, obviously, but she had never heard the term "transphobia" before I mentioned it in a session one day.  I'm not sure what the FtM community was like then, but she did work mostly with FtM trans people.  I may have been her first trans woman so it was a process for both of us (one day I explained some pretty intimate things about how I approached my sex life and she exclaimed, "You sound like a dyke!"  She's lesbian and...duh, yeah, at the time I was! :P ).

I'm happy some subjects are becoming open for discussion.  Not being able to mention them, even among a supposed friendly crowd, can make one feel very, very alone and more freakish than ever.
2003-2004 -- Gradual transition -- I didn't correct pronouns and people basically settled on the right ones on their own.
late 2004 -- Orchiectomy.
Late 2015 -- Stupidly saw the political climate and spurned on by my husband's request for a divorce I detransitioned.
2019 -- Rebuilding my wardrobe so I can retransition.  Turns out I cain't bury my true self, after all.  I call these last few years my failed experiment.  At least I found my true feelings were real.

Offline steph2.0

  • AKA Galaxy Girl
  • Family
  • *****
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 3,529
  • Reputation: +20/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Replacing existing with living
Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #28 on: March 20, 2019, 08:19:05 am »
Our pioneer mothers and fathers came way before me, but we do have a long path ahead of us yet.

That we do. In the US, so many of the things that were won by those going before me are being threatened for no logical reason.There’s no point in getting into the politics. I think we all know why.

Quote
I left the online community soon after as, to my shame, I had my husband and I just wanted to disappear into the woodwork.

I don’t know how my opinion squares with the majority here (and I don’t really care), but I see absolutely no shame in what you did. I have often considered the option of “going stealth.” It’s a very attractive thing, though not a realistic possibility for me.

Quote
This dysphoria/dysmorphia distinction is new to me.  We were still mostly using GID and it was a non-gender therapist at a halfway home after one of my suicide attempts that suggested that what I was going through was not a disorder, at all.  I was being me.  I do see a lot of subjects mentioned nowadays that were once so taboo that no one would talk about them then even in private.

Remember the acronym GIDAANT? As I recall, it stood for Gender Identity Disorder, Adult and Adolescent onset, Non-Transexual. For much of my life, I thought that applied to me. Not that I didn’t want to transition, I just thought it was an impossibility, so I buried the thought very deep. In my mind I was “only” a cross-dresser, a transvestite. I understand now that those are viable lifestyles, but back then what I’d been taught is that those tendencies made me a freak. I’m sure I don’t have to explain to you what that does to your psyche.

Maybe I’m not reading the right forums, but while we all understand “dysphoria” I’ve rarely run across “dysmorphia.” I understand the term and its roots, but it does seem to have been incorporated into “dysphoria.” I’m not happy with my hands or my feet or my shoulders or my narrow hips, etc. ad nauseum, and I’ll do what I can do address what’s possible (I haven’t heard anyone speak of rib removal in a long time), but I have come to understand that ciswomen come in all shapes and sizes, and if we can shift our focus off of the beauty queens and onto everyday, “ordinary” women, we can see that all women are beautiful. The circle that defines who people see as female is larger than we may think, and with a little care we can fit into it, even with our “flaws.”

It took a while for me to truly realize that ciswomen experience the same longings and body issues that we transwomen do. Only the most narcissistic believe they’re perfect, and comparing ourselves negatively to other women is so rampant and common that it seems normal. When looked at dispassionately, our bodies are not all that different.

The women (cis and trans) who I admire the most are the ones who have found peace with who they are, accept that nobody is perfect, and just get out there and live without worries about what other people think. I have a long way to go before I’ll get there, but I consider it a laudable goal.

I’m glad you finally found someone who could help you out of the darkness. You are being you! That’s one of the most wonderful freedoms in the world.

Quote
I'm happy some subjects are becoming open for discussion.  Not being able to mention them, even among a supposed friendly crowd, can make one feel very, very alone and more freakish than ever.

Susan’s isn’t perfect, but it’s the most accepting, understanding place I’ve found on the internet. Very few things are forbidden to discuss, and the openness and understanding of those I’ve interacted with here have helped me immeasurably. I believe completely that Susan’s has saved lives. Without the open discussions and friendship I’ve found here, I don’t know where I’d be now.

And thank you for coming back to us and sharing your experiences and wisdom. Especially after successfully transitioning and living authentically as you’ve done. I hope I’m that selfless when I get to the place you are now.



Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * Facelift and Lipo Body Sculpting at Ocean Clinic 6/13-14/2019 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/11/2019

Offline Tribble

  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 175
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #29 on: March 20, 2019, 09:23:36 am »
That we do. In the US, so many of the things that were won by those going before me are being threatened for no logical reason.There’s no point in getting into the politics. I think we all know why.

I don’t know how my opinion squares with the majority here (and I don’t really care), but I see absolutely no shame in what you did. I have often considered the option of “going stealth.” It’s a very attractive thing, though not a realistic possibility for me.

Remember the acronym GIDAANT? As I recall, it stood for Gender Identity Disorder, Adult and Adolescent onset, Non-Transexual. For much of my life, I thought that applied to me. Not that I didn’t want to transition, I just thought it was an impossibility, so I buried the thought very deep. In my mind I was “only” a cross-dresser, a transvestite. I understand now that those are viable lifestyles, but back then what I’d been taught is that those tendencies made me a freak. I’m sure I don’t have to explain to you what that does to your psyche.

Maybe I’m not reading the right forums, but while we all understand “dysphoria” I’ve rarely run across “dysmorphia.” I understand the term and its roots, but it does seem to have been incorporated into “dysphoria.” I’m not happy with my hands or my feet or my shoulders or my narrow hips, etc. ad nauseum, and I’ll do what I can do address what’s possible (I haven’t heard anyone speak of rib removal in a long time), but I have come to understand that ciswomen come in all shapes and sizes, and if we can shift our focus off of the beauty queens and onto everyday, “ordinary” women, we can see that all women are beautiful. The circle that defines who people see as female is larger than we may think, and with a little care we can fit into it, even with our “flaws.”

It took a while for me to truly realize that ciswomen experience the same longings and body issues that we transwomen do. Only the most narcissistic believe they’re perfect, and comparing ourselves negatively to other women is so rampant and common that it seems normal. When looked at dispassionately, our bodies are not all that different.

The women (cis and trans) who I admire the most are the ones who have found peace with who they are, accept that nobody is perfect, and just get out there and live without worries about what other people think. I have a long way to go before I’ll get there, but I consider it a laudable goal.

I’m glad you finally found someone who could help you out of the darkness. You are being you! That’s one of the most wonderful freedoms in the world.

Susan’s isn’t perfect, but it’s the most accepting, understanding place I’ve found on the internet. Very few things are forbidden to discuss, and the openness and understanding of those I’ve interacted with here have helped me immeasurably. I believe completely that Susan’s has saved lives. Without the open discussions and friendship I’ve found here, I don’t know where I’d be now.

And thank you for coming back to us and sharing your experiences and wisdom. Especially after successfully transitioning and living authentically as you’ve done. I hope I’m that selfless when I get to the place you are now.



Stephanie

I appreciate your sentiments, but I'm no heroine.  I'm happy to go on, but only with your permission.  This is your intro thread! :D

If you'd like to PM, I love talking online!  If you would like me to continue here, I'll be happy to do so, but I feel guilty for taking over your thread. :)  I'll just say that my own dysmorphia has been debilitating for me.

Dr. Bowers is one of the doctors I've been thinking a lot about since I'd heard of her practice.  I would also love to see her, but I'm not sure I could handle yet another three years or more before making at least that part of my body right.
2003-2004 -- Gradual transition -- I didn't correct pronouns and people basically settled on the right ones on their own.
late 2004 -- Orchiectomy.
Late 2015 -- Stupidly saw the political climate and spurned on by my husband's request for a divorce I detransitioned.
2019 -- Rebuilding my wardrobe so I can retransition.  Turns out I cain't bury my true self, after all.  I call these last few years my failed experiment.  At least I found my true feelings were real.

Offline steph2.0

  • AKA Galaxy Girl
  • Family
  • *****
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 3,529
  • Reputation: +20/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Replacing existing with living
Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #30 on: March 20, 2019, 09:34:58 am »
I appreciate your sentiments, but I'm no heroine.  I'm happy to go on, but only with your permission.  This is your intro thread! :D

If you'd like to PM, I love talking online!  If you would like me to continue here, I'll be happy to do so, but I feel guilty for taking over your thread. :)  I'll just say that my own dysmorphia has been debilitating for me.

Oh gosh no, this isn’t my thread! I’m afraid we’ve both taken over poor @Charlie Nicki ‘s thread! I have a completely different thread where I ramble on and on to the point where few people visit any more.

Anyone here who has gone beyond where any particular person is, and still sticks around to help should be considered a heroine (or hero!). Commiserating with those who are in the same place is comforting, but not terribly educational. It’s those who’ve been there and done that who can help us pull through, and there’s little reason for them to stay here except for pure kindness and altruism. @Rachel , @Michelle_P , @Laurie , @HappyMoni , and so many others helped me get through the really hard times before and in the beginning times of transition. Now I can add you to the list, like it or not!

Feel free to PM me any time!


Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * Facelift and Lipo Body Sculpting at Ocean Clinic 6/13-14/2019 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/11/2019

Offline Tribble

  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 175
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #31 on: March 20, 2019, 09:49:17 am »
Oops!  Sorry, @Charlie Nicki!!!  I forgot what thread I was in! :D  I'm sure as an Official Greeter that @Steph2.0 is not posting many of her own intro threads now. ;)

@Steph2.0, I'll take you up on that PM invitation. :)
2003-2004 -- Gradual transition -- I didn't correct pronouns and people basically settled on the right ones on their own.
late 2004 -- Orchiectomy.
Late 2015 -- Stupidly saw the political climate and spurned on by my husband's request for a divorce I detransitioned.
2019 -- Rebuilding my wardrobe so I can retransition.  Turns out I cain't bury my true self, after all.  I call these last few years my failed experiment.  At least I found my true feelings were real.

Offline Charlie Nicki

  • Finally finding myself
  • *
  • Posts: 1,923
  • Reputation: +16/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #32 on: March 21, 2019, 11:17:31 am »
Oops!  Sorry, @Charlie Nicki!!!  I forgot what thread I was in! :D  I'm sure as an Official Greeter that @Steph2.0 is not posting many of her own intro threads now. ;)

@Steph2.0, I'll take you up on that PM invitation. :)

You girls can keep going all you want! :) I found it interesting. I'm also interested in your story with your significant other @Tribble so I'm gonna snoop in your profile a little bit  :laugh:.

This thread is also super old, I actually update my life in my diary thread: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229573.0.html, I just came back to this one because it's good for me to re-read my old thoughts.
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Tags: