Author Topic: My gender confusion  (Read 1626 times)

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Offline Charlie Nicki

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My gender confusion
« on: March 16, 2017, 12:29:58 pm »
So you're probably very used to this type of threads...I'm Charlie Nicki, I purposely chose a name that isn't a 100% male or a 100% female cuz it fits my confusion and how I feel about myself. Please bare with me (this might be long) and let me know if your experience is similar to mine, I could honestly use someone who is going through the exact thing I'm going through.

I'm biologically male, I'm 28 and I've been living as a gay man my entire life. When I was 20 I started feeling curious about androgynous and transgender people, Youtube was my gateway to get to know trans people from all over the world who were beautiful and brave enough to come out publicly. Back then it didn't really hit me that deep down my admiration came from a place where I wanted to do the same. I remember since I was very little I've always had a "parallel" life in my mind in which I was a girl, and basically always imagined myself going through everyday situations as a girl. Always fantasized about what would happen if I had gone through whatever situation I did in my real life (like a party or meeting new people or whatever) as a girl and always felt happy when these thoughts were in my mind. Back then I thought it was normal for any gay guy to be like this, and to like feminine things...I thought it was all part of my sexual orientation.

It wasn't until later when I discovered all these people in social media, that I realized there was something more in me, like a desire to be the other gender. I tip-toed around it and cross-dressed a couple of times in Halloween, it felt very liberating and I felt at peace. It was like I was finally able to be myself, to be as feminine as I wanted to without feeling bad about, without feeling repressed.

The thoughts about being a girl got stronger and stronger to the point where I felt it was exhausting for me to be thinking about that all the time, so exhausting and felt like a constant conflict in my mind between what I wanted and what I "had" to do. It got so unbearable for me that I started going to therapy at 25 years old. The therapist was a woman who had a lot of experience dealing with transgender people, I went there for around 4 months and honestly I don't think she helped much, I didn't really feel much chemistry between the 2 of us, I sort of felt judged by her. She didn't really do anything wrong, but I was hoping to get someone to guide and really tell me "you're not crazy, this is real" but it never happened, I kept feeling confused.

Back then I came out as trans with a few people including my mom, my boyfriend at the time and a close friend. My mom tried to be supportive but later told me it was something too difficult for her to handle (she's a great mom, she was just being honest), my boyfriend at the time basically told me the same, and said he didn't want to be with a girl (which I expected of course, he's gay, but still was hard to hear it). I think at the time I wasn't ready to handle people's rejection and both their reactions really put everything in perspective for me...Is this something I really want to do? Is this something I actually need? The answer was no, so I basically grabbed my gender confusion, put it in a box and buried it in the sand. I decided I wasn't going to do anything about it and was just going to forget it and live a "normal" life as a man. I tried of course, and I keep trying but DUH I'm here now which means that, of course, those feelings and thoughts never went away, they just hid for a while. But they're with me, they're part of me, always.

Nowadays I still think about being a woman every single minute of the day, if I hear a song I dream about how I would dance to it if I was a girl, if I meet a person, I fantasize about how I would interact if I was a girl. The feelings. Never. Go. Away. The weirdest part, and this is one of the things I would love to know if anyone goes through as well,is that it seems like as the day goes by, the gender confusion/dysphoria or whatever you want to call it intensifies more and more, to the point where last night, for example, I was at the gym lifting weights and completely demotivated thinking "why the heck am I doing this? I don't want to be muscular. I'm already a bit muscular and it really hasn't made any difference in how I feel about myself, if I gain more muscle and look more manly it'll become harder to transition" I felt like crap! And thinking about transitioning was the only thing that made me happy and made me feel at peace. But then...I go to bed and when I wake up the next morning is almost like my mind "reboots" itself and I start thinking "are you insane? Why were you thinking those things last night? That is never going to happen, you're not transgender and you're never transitioning, you're not losing all you have now, get a grip!" this is the cycle my mind goes through every freaking day. A never ending cycle so it's like ok am I or am I not transgender? am I or am I not doing this? A part of me hopes I get the guts to transition at some point and just be happy but then there's the huge "you must have a normal life" part of me that tries to ground me to reality. It's like my dreams versus reality.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not miserable or depressed...But I'm honestly not living at a 100%. I feel it everyday, I don't care about things, I don't care enough about me, my career, I'm completely apathetic about life and just letting things happen the way life wants them to happen. I feel like I'm holding myself back and deep down I know it's because of this. I will never be able to be truly a 100% happy and satisfied with myself if I don't fix this. But I don't know how to fix it, I don't know what I am or what to do. Thinking about transitioning or about being a girl or living as a girl takes me to my safe place where I feel happy and free...but then the real me steps by and tells the other me to knock it off. I'm just tired of it.
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline HappyMoni

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2017, 05:07:15 pm »
Hi Charlie,
   Welcome and thanks for opening up with such honesty. The thought of transitioning is kind of hard for the mind to wrap around at first. Trans people generally are compelled to become their true self. It sounds like this is what you are experiencing. Is it any surprise that part of your status quo mind would fight the thought of changing everything about how you fit in the world? Of course part of you will urge you to stay put. Everything you are saying is telling me you want something else though. Transgender feelings don't usually go away. (Never heard anyone on here claim that.) You can pretend they will go away until they return. Maybe you need more information to find your path. The therapist sounded like a bad fit. Why not try someone else. Also, do some experimentation. Real life experience beats theory any day. There are many possible paths. Something is telling you to try to move forward. I would listen to it and find your path. Take it from me. I ignored what I needed for so long. It is sad to think I should have listened to the true me, but instead, for decades, I lived life the way I was 'supposed to.'  I am Monica. Hope to see you around the boards. ;)       
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
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HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS

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Offline theqnoumenon

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2017, 06:11:35 pm »
Hi, Charlie!
Welcome to the forum! As you know, I'm also new here, but I've been reading your post and I feel so identified with some of your experiences. I had a time when I only wanted to forget this silly ideas of mine (I told it to the wrong person, I received no support and only angry and disgust faces), but it never went away and always stayed with me since I started to question my gender.

I especially feel you on the part of "mind rebooting", although now it's happening less, every morning my own mind denies everything I think about this during the rest of the day, and this is one of the things which are confusing me more right now. I'm definitely uncomfortable being read as a man, and I want to change that, however, I'm not sure about the way I'm taking due to these thoughts in the morning and social pressure to meet the stereotype that society has prepared for you.

If this helps, in the past months I got involved with my nearest LGBTQ+ association (and also started to follow this website) and with its trans and queer sections. For me, it is being a really nice experience and it has helped me to open my mind, to avoid the stages of you are being silly, Q, just forget it, to discover my real self in a safe space where I know nobody is judging me and I just can just be what I want to be. Although I don't know yet who I am and what path I'm taking, meeting these people, experimenting with it and, moreover, reading all the experiences people post here has been more worthy than years of closed mind and just tries to forget it.

I hope you have a great time here! :)

Offline Dena

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2017, 08:29:59 pm »
Welcome to Susan's Place. If you need somebody to tell you that you are normal and sane, I will do that. Beyond that, advise about what to do with your life is somewhat limited. I will tell you to explore your options instead of wishing your problems will be solved. It will be difficult to do but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. We are happy to teach you anything we know but you will have to ask the questions. Because there is some doubt in your mind, I am going to provide you with two links. The first is our WIKI where you can learn what the term transgender means. The second is “the transition channel” where a therapist will walk you through a series of questions. All you need to do is tell us where you want to start.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

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Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2017, 09:15:27 pm »
Hi Charlie,
   Welcome and thanks for opening up with such honesty. The thought of transitioning is kind of hard for the mind to wrap around at first. Trans people generally are compelled to become their true self. It sounds like this is what you are experiencing. Is it any surprise that part of your status quo mind would fight the thought of changing everything about how you fit in the world? Of course part of you will urge you to stay put. Everything you are saying is telling me you want something else though. Transgender feelings don't usually go away. (Never heard anyone on here claim that.) You can pretend they will go away until they return. Maybe you need more information to find your path. The therapist sounded like a bad fit. Why not try someone else. Also, do some experimentation. Real life experience beats theory any day. There are many possible paths. Something is telling you to try to move forward. I would listen to it and find your path. Take it from me. I ignored what I needed for so long. It is sad to think I should have listened to the true me, but instead, for decades, I lived life the way I was 'supposed to.'  I am Monica. Hope to see you around the boards. ;)       

Thank you very much Monica! Yeah I'm definitely looking for a new therapist at the moment. I actually called one today to make an appointment but they said they would call back and confirm. I'll wait.

When it comes to real life experiences, it's very scary for me. And also i don't know how I'd do it without people finding out, especially my family and significant other. We live together.
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2017, 09:18:06 pm »
Hi, Charlie!
Welcome to the forum! As you know, I'm also new here, but I've been reading your post and I feel so identified with some of your experiences. I had a time when I only wanted to forget this silly ideas of mine (I told it to the wrong person, I received no support and only angry and disgust faces), but it never went away and always stayed with me since I started to question my gender.

I especially feel you on the part of "mind rebooting", although now it's happening less, every morning my own mind denies everything I think about this during the rest of the day, and this is one of the things which are confusing me more right now. I'm definitely uncomfortable being read as a man, and I want to change that, however, I'm not sure about the way I'm taking due to these thoughts in the morning and social pressure to meet the stereotype that society has prepared for you.

If this helps, in the past months I got involved with my nearest LGBTQ+ association (and also started to follow this website) and with its trans and queer sections. For me, it is being a really nice experience and it has helped me to open my mind, to avoid the stages of you are being silly, Q, just forget it, to discover my real self in a safe space where I know nobody is judging me and I just can just be what I want to be. Although I don't know yet who I am and what path I'm taking, meeting these people, experimenting with it and, moreover, reading all the experiences people post here has been more worthy than years of closed mind and just tries to forget it.

I hope you have a great time here! :)

Thank you very much Q! When I tried therapy a few years ago, it was in the local LGBT center and well it didn't really work out. Maybe I'll give a try again and go back there at some point.
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2017, 09:20:22 pm »
Welcome to Susan's Place. If you need somebody to tell you that you are normal and sane, I will do that. Beyond that, advise about what to do with your life is somewhat limited. I will tell you to explore your options instead of wishing your problems will be solved. It will be difficult to do but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. We are happy to teach you anything we know but you will have to ask the questions. Because there is some doubt in your mind, I am going to provide you with two links. The first is our WIKI where you can learn what the term transgender means. The second is “the transition channel” where a therapist will walk you through a series of questions. All you need to do is tell us where you want to start.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read


Thanks Dena and so sorry about the bad word in my post, rookie mistake. I tried answering to your PM but didn't see the option, I'm guessing Because I'm new. Once again thanks!
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline V M

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2017, 11:22:56 pm »
Hi Charlie Nicki  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M
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Offline Janes Groove

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2017, 12:07:50 am »
Welcome to the club Charlie.  You're not alone here at Susans.org.  What you wrote sounds very familiar to me.

Nowadays I still think about being a woman every single minute of the day . . . The feelings. Never. Go. Away.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not miserable or depressed...But I'm honestly not living at a 100%. I feel it everyday, I don't care about things, I don't care enough about me, my career, I'm completely apathetic about life and just letting things happen the way life wants them to happen. I feel like I'm holding myself back and deep down I know it's because of this. I will never be able to be truly a 100% happy and satisfied with myself if I don't fix this.

What you are describing certainly sounds like gender dysphoria to me. You are sure to find support here.

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2017, 11:25:56 am »
Welcome to the club Charlie.  You're not alone here at Susans.org.  What you wrote sounds very familiar to me.

What you are describing certainly sounds like gender dysphoria to me. You are sure to find support here.

Thank you very much Jane.
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2017, 11:26:31 am »
Hi Charlie Nicki  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thanks V M :)
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #11 on: March 17, 2017, 11:27:38 am »
Also, just a small update. The therapist called me back today and I'm having my appointment in 2 weeks, kinda excited but also bummed it's only half an hour. Seems like such a short time.
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #12 on: September 11, 2017, 05:17:08 pm »
Since I'm going through my first (and hopefully only) "WTF am I doing" moment, I decided to visit my first ever post in Susan's. And ohh does it bring back memories. It's also funny how it seems like I'm going through the same thing that I did 3 years ago that I described here:

Back then I came out as trans with a few people including my mom, my boyfriend at the time and a close friend. My mom tried to be supportive but later told me it was something too difficult for her to handle (she's a great mom, she was just being honest), my boyfriend at the time basically told me the same, and said he didn't want to be with a girl (which I expected of course, he's gay, but still was hard to hear it). I think at the time I wasn't ready to handle people's rejection and both their reactions really put everything in perspective for me...Is this something I really want to do? Is this something I actually need?

I'm amazed at how powerful rejection can be. And how personal relationships can be such a huge influence in all of us. I went from being a 100% sure of what I wanted to going back to "am I actually sure of this?".
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline FlightlessFootwear

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #13 on: September 11, 2017, 07:05:59 pm »
Hi Charlie,

I have been going back and forth for the past few months. I get to a place where I feel that I am transgender and that I want to live my life as a woman, I hold on to that for a little while until anxiety kicks in and I start doubting myself again and feeling like I can't possibly be really sure. The cycles of doubt and acceptance have been getting shorter and more intense over time, like I can't hold the doubt back anymore but I also can't make it go away entirely.

If I could snap my fingers and just be female in an instant I would have done it ages ago, but the reality of transitioning is frightening and it gives me reasons to go back to doubt and uncertainty. I also feel that it is a drain on my energy and motivation, as I find myself not wanting to do much and not taking my life forward in other areas. I feel like I need to deal with all of this to be able to focus on the rest of my life, but that it's such a massive hill to climb that I'd rather stay stuck here at the bottom. From what I have gathered, this is very common amongst transgender people.

The social part of it all is intense too. As much as I want to do things just for myself, how my family, my friends, and even how random strangers feel affects me a lot. I already get a lot of anxiety thinking that others around me notice that I'm different somehow, and while I think being the correct gender would help alleviate these feelings I also worry about making things awkward and difficult for everyone else. I find myself not wanting to make anyone else's life harder for my own benefit.

You're definitely not alone when it comes to gender confusion. That's what this site is for after all!

Offline steph2.0

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #14 on: September 11, 2017, 10:14:57 pm »
Quote
I get to a place where I feel that I am transgender and that I want to live my life as a woman, I hold on to that for a little while until anxiety kicks in and I start doubting myself again and feeling like I can't possibly be really sure.

Flightless, I was going to sit down and write a new thread with your exact entry (all of the above, not just what I've quoted), nearly word for word. Add to it that HRT has kicked in for me and I'm getting chest growth that's starting to become a problem to hide, and I've found myself on another downward spiral. And the final complication is dealing with a major hurricane and the aftermath. Something that has helped my mood in the past is out - shopping and dinner in another town as myself is out of the question now with most of Florida closed down.

I can't be free to be myself even in my own home, since we don't have any way to keep the neighbors from seeing inside when they go by. My wife suggested there are two options right now: either go shopping for window coverings, and continue to hide, or come out to the neighbors, either individually or as a group (which would effectively be coming out to the world). I sat and ran the scenario through my head of visiting one of my neighbors to have a talk, and ended up having a complete meltdown.

Feeling very down and weak and trapped right now. I know people get through and rise above these situations, but it's beyond me where the strength comes from.

Going to bed early. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Steph


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #15 on: March 18, 2019, 11:51:52 am »
I always enjoy revisiting my first post ever here, I like looking back and seeing how I thought back then. Didn't realize it but 2 days ago was my 2 year anniversary since I first posted here. My life at the moment seems surreal...I've transitioned and have been living full time for 9 months now, it has been extremely challenging, mostly on an emotional level but I've chosen to survive and thrive every day. It's a difficult road for sure, and sometimes I wish I knew what I was getting myself into, but I have hope that things will get better.
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline Megan.

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #16 on: March 18, 2019, 11:54:29 am »
I always enjoy revisiting my first post ever here, I like looking back and seeing how I thought back then. Didn't realize it but 2 days ago was my 2 year anniversary since I first posted here. My life at the moment seems surreal...I've transitioned and have been living full time for 9 months now, it has been extremely challenging, mostly on an emotional level but I've chosen to survive and thrive every day. It's a difficult road for sure, and sometimes I wish I knew what I was getting myself into, but I have hope that things will get better.
In those early days figuring ourselves out, the road ahead can seem infinite, and yet a little later when looking back, we often see how very far we've come . Congrats on the 2 years. X

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Offline Alaskan Danielle

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #17 on: March 18, 2019, 12:04:59 pm »
I always enjoy revisiting my first post ever here, I like looking back and seeing how I thought back then. Didn't realize it but 2 days ago was my 2 year anniversary since I first posted here. My life at the moment seems surreal...I've transitioned and have been living full time for 9 months now, it has been extremely challenging, mostly on an emotional level but I've chosen to survive and thrive every day. It's a difficult road for sure, and sometimes I wish I knew what I was getting myself into, but I have hope that things will get better.
@Charlie Nicki:
Dear Charlie:
CONGRATULATIONS on being here on Susan's Place Forums for 2 YEARS!!!!    :)
 
Like just about all of us here on the Forums, it is an eye opener for us to read over some of our earliest postings....
...   my oh my, how things have changed!!!

I have much enjoyed your postings on your thread and various other threads and please know that I am always wishing you well and wishing you success in your life endeavors.
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #18 on: March 18, 2019, 12:24:05 pm »
Thank you ladies!
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline steph2.0

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Re: My gender confusion
« Reply #19 on: March 18, 2019, 12:32:45 pm »
I always enjoy revisiting my first post ever here, I like looking back and seeing how I thought back then. Didn't realize it but 2 days ago was my 2 year anniversary since I first posted here. My life at the moment seems surreal...I've transitioned and have been living full time for 9 months now, it has been extremely challenging, mostly on an emotional level but I've chosen to survive and thrive every day. It's a difficult road for sure, and sometimes I wish I knew what I was getting myself into, but I have hope that things will get better.

They will. Look how much better they are already!

When reading your entry the one above it caught my eye. I’d forgotten I’d written that, way back in September 2017. Things have changed so much for me! I’ve been full time since October 2017, my name and gender is officially changed, I have a wonderful new girlfriend, I am a member of multiple women-only organizations and clubs, I’ve had FFS and have an appointment for more, and I have an appointment for GCS in September.

I told my therapist that I’m convinced that my social transition is finished, and he agrees. All that’s left is the physical transition in the form of those surgeries, and detaching myself from my current domestic situation (divorce) so I can move on with my new soulmate.

Life is so much better now, and the future looks even better. I hope it seems that way to you, too.


Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

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