Author Topic: For anyone who has made the decision to transition  (Read 1399 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline AlyssaJ

  • Gender Explorer
  • Friend
  • ****
  • *
  • Posts: 372
  • Reputation: +5/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Connecting my true self to the world
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #20 on: March 20, 2017, 01:47:47 pm »
Oh it was a definite moment for me and it's a day I'll have no problem remembering for the rest of my life.  I have been in confusion like you described most of my life and even recently had believed that transitioning was not what I needed.  I thought I was gender fluid and was identifying that way while seeing a therapist to really sort through it all.

Valentine's day, my wife and I went out for a really nice dinner.  At this point I was out to her as gender fluid and she was having a hard time dealing with that and some of the changes I was making to my appearance.  That night, we were able to enjoy a nice dinner, both of us dressed to the nines (Calvin Klein suit for me and a gorgeous dress for her).  Unfortunately, as things seemed to do at that time, the subject of my feelings and appearance came up at the end of dinner.  She made an off-hand remark that got us going down a path of tears and sadness.

The ride home was tough, neither of us felt like celebrating anymore. When we got home we got ready for bed and just laid in bed the rest of the night watching TV and talking. At some point around 2:00am she really started to ask some tough questions. She had previously told me that she had a feeling I'd be transitioning and her line of questioning was headed down that path. She pressed me on how many things I had said I'd never consider were now open for consideration.  She walked me through the progression of my crossdressing, from the feelings I had as a child up to present day. As she was digging deeper and deeper into my feelings, something finally clicked in my head.  It was a painful yet wonderful realization.  It hurt because I knew it would crush her but it was wonderful because it was like a huge weight being lifted off me.  I finally admitted to myself that yes I was transsexual, I have been female all my life and I just simply have the wrong body characteristics.

Around that time she asked me a very direct question, "Why do I feel like the only way you'll really be happy is to be a woman".  Through tears and sobbing, my soft almost mumbled answer was "Because it is".  At that moment, our worlds came crashing down. We ended up being awake until 5:00AM crying, talking, and coming to terms with the fact that I need to transition to being a woman to finally feel whole.  The final questions that really sealed the deal for me at that point were two that I asked myself silently after she fell asleep.  I was feeling guilty for all the pain I was causing.  So I thought to myself, "what will life be like in 5 years if I transition?".  I imagined all the good of being comfortable with myself and finally being a woman in this world.  But I also imagined all the pain of losing my wife, losing friends, etc. and living in a constant state of having to absorb hatred from others.  Then I asked myself "what will life be like in 5 years if I don't transition?"  I couldn't even imagine a life 5 years from now.  I admitted to myself that I could not survive 5 more years living in the shadow of this secret, pretending to be someone I'm not.  And with that I made the most painful, difficult decision of my life. Knowing it would cost me my marriage and so much else, I decided to begin transition.
“I want to put myself out there, I want to make connections, I want to learn and if someone can get something out of my experience, I’m OK with that, too.” - Laura Jane Grace




Offline ghostbees

  • Quartermaster's ramblings
  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 209
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Male
  • Quartermaster, Q-Branch
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #21 on: March 20, 2017, 03:17:09 pm »
I hope you find peace. Whilst I can't relate to the marriage issues, I'm also undergoing transition it's been scary and at the same time reliving. I can only describe it as like being on a train in a dark tunnel whilst holding a flash light, one day I'm going to look back and not regret being who I truly am and you can always find the light- inside of yourself.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Loki's playing tricks again ::)

Offline JenniferLopezgomez

  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 333
  • Reputation: +4/-1
  • Gender: Female
  • FB: Jennifer Lopezgomez
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #22 on: March 20, 2017, 04:25:11 pm »
I have wanted my Barbie's body since age 11. I played mostly with the girls for  a lot of the time much of pre-puberty age 9 and age 10. At age 12 a summer camp I attended selected me to be the only lead female actress in a play we performed and this was a BOY'S camp yet I felt strangely wonderful about them dressing me in full long blonde wig, high heels, full make-up, polished nails and in super sexy clothing at age 12. Finally after age 50 I reached a point where I was going to commit suicide if I didn't immediately go to full-time female, so I changed location and I did that. I since have been on national television and in national newspapers in a beauty pageant and other modeling opportunities. Soon I will begin work as a cam model girl -- feeling GREAT about that one !!! Now almost no one can detect I am trans face-to-face, except if I tell them and I rarely do. I:m simply a stunningly beautiful woman to most people in real life.

Frequently when I walk in the street past men in restaurants or construction sites, I get whistles of appreciation about my beauty from the men I am walking by -- and comments such as "Honey wow you are sexy" "my love wow what tits" "look at that a-- !" These comments occur multiple times every week now. Wow this makes me feel fab fem. Jennifer xx

Offline RobynD

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,477
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #23 on: March 20, 2017, 04:39:17 pm »
For me - i was in the midst of a depressive episode and although my meds were taking care of it and times, this one was particularly bad.

I went to my therapist that next day and talked about my depression and feeling like i would always wanted to be a girl and that i knew that was a long road if i chose that. She responded with something like " you could always start hormones and see how you feel "

Later in the car in the parking lot, i decided not only would i start hrt, but i would immediately begin the transition.



Offline Cyn5217

  • Visitor
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 4
  • Reputation: +1/-0
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #24 on: March 20, 2017, 05:51:00 pm »
I just want to thank all of you for answering this question.  For those of us still thinking about it and struggling it helps to hear the real life experiences (good and bad). 

For me, I came to grips with me being transgender six years ago when I was 46.  I have been in therapy, and told my wife after she discovered some clip on earrings.  I told her about these feelings I've had since I was 5, and the years of not knowing exactly who or what I was while living as a man and being married twice with five kids.  With so many responsibilities, the decision not to transition or be who I want to become is painful.  Not supported by my wife who knows and hates keeping it a secret, not having any meaningful sex the past three years since she found out, and basically learning to live without doing much about it is hard.

But when I read your stories, I'm happy that it's worked out for many of you and that you are doing great work inspiring the rest of us who watch from the sidelines and wonder "what if?"

I was able to fully dress one night and see "her", and it was fantastic.  I expect to see her again and I'm doing little things like losing weight, getting mani/pedi's and shaving a little but with so many things to lose it's hard to justify the pain I will cause others at this time in my life.  I have a great therapist, and another who is trans that I will probably go back to if I ever have that "I'm going to do it" moment. 

Offline Danielle834

  • *
  • Posts: 30
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #25 on: March 20, 2017, 06:00:37 pm »
Struggled my whole life.  Seriously kicked it around for a few months then around new years, a switch just dipped.  Apprension dissolved and I just set about making it happen.  I told my wife a month later.  That's the moment that it all became very real.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk

I have a new FB account for the female me!  Please feel free to friend me at:
https://www.facebook.com/danielle.allen.18007218

DMAB: Dec 1977
First Signs: 1984
Self Acceptance: 2016
Shared with Wife: Feb 2017
HRT: May 2017

Offline Fresas con Nata

  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 252
  • Reputation: +5/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #26 on: March 21, 2017, 06:55:21 am »
No pivotal moment for me. Some two years ago I started suspecting that something was going on but had no idea what. Some months later I saw some stronger signals so I did some research on internet and played with some hypotheses, "I may be a CD", "I may be trans". These thoughts opened my mind as weeks passed and I felt more comfortable with the idea of being trans. Then I tried going out in girl mode and felt good, right, in my place.

So it was all a process.

Offline FTMDiaries

  • I have brains in my head. I have feet in my shoes. I can steer myself any direction I choose.
  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,019
  • Reputation: +89/-0
  • Gender: Male
    • My blog: The FTM Diaries
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #27 on: March 21, 2017, 07:53:43 am »
It was two events, within a couple of months of each other.

I'd been struggling with dysphoria since age 5 but didn't know what it was until I was 19. I looked into the options then but they were absolutely awful if you're going from F to M, so I didn't think I'd ever be able to do anything about it. Instead, I stuffed myself back in the closet, got married, had a couple of kids, and tried my best to figure out how to live as a woman. (27 years later I still don't have a clue how to do that).

My marriage had been in trouble for a while and I was generally dissatisfied with my life. Then to add insult to injury, as my 40th birthday approached one of my daughters grinned in my face and said "You'll be a little old lady soon!"... and I really pictured what that would be like. I saw myself as a 70-odd-year-old woman in a retirement home, sitting in one of those high-backed chairs they have, wearing a chintzy dress, stockings and comfortable shoes, whilst some young nurse smiles at me and tells me that we'll do some knitting later. I found myself overwhelmed with a sense of despair and regret at having wasted my whole life living as the wrong gender, and now I was too old to do anything about it so I'd just have to slide into my grave wearing a (pick your own expletive here) dress. That thought horrified me; I couldn't bear the thought of wasting my life like that.

And then a couple of months later, completely out of the blue, a news site posted a time-lapse video of a teenage trans guy showing how miserable he was before transitioning, going through all the awkward intermediate stages, before finally looking thrilled with the outcome once he'd successfully transitioned. I saw in his face the same pain I'd been experiencing all my life... followed by the euphoria of putting right what went wrong & finally being able to live his own life.

It was like opening the floodgates.

I felt a sense of regret at all those wasted years during which I could've been in his shoes. I realised that a large proportion of what was wrong with my life was due to me trying to live in a way that is completely unnatural with me. I was 40 years old & I'm not getting any younger, so I felt a sense of urgency to get started with my transition if I'm ever going to avoid being that despairing little old lady. I wanted to fix this whilst I'm young enough & healthy enough to do so. I didn't want to remain married to my husband but if I got out of this relationship I couldn't bear for my next squeeze to be yet another straight man who would view me as a woman & who would focus on all the body parts I've hated all my life. I knew the only way I could fix the vast majority of what was wrong with my life was to transition. I hated the thought because I'm very private and transitioning would mean I'd have to tell lots of people about something very private I'd been battling to hide since the mid-1970s. But it had to be done: I couldn't continue living as I was.

So after a couple of weeks of turmoil I went to the doctor and got a referral to the gender services. A couple of days later I told my husband (he mocked and belittled me, and told me as far as he's concerned our marriage was over). He then pressurised me to tell my kids, and they reacted terribly, calling me a freak who will die alone.

Yeah.

But I don't regret it for a single second. If my family reacted badly, that reflects poorly on them as people. Haters are going to hate, with or without my help.






Offline RandyL

  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 171
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #28 on: March 21, 2017, 11:00:05 am »


But I don't regret it for a single second. If my family reacted badly, that reflects poorly on them as people. Haters are going to hate, with or without my help.

I'm so sorry for your family's lack of support. I hope your kids will come around with time, especially as you presumably become a happier, better adjusted person.
Love Randy

Offline FTMDiaries

  • I have brains in my head. I have feet in my shoes. I can steer myself any direction I choose.
  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,019
  • Reputation: +89/-0
  • Gender: Male
    • My blog: The FTM Diaries
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #29 on: March 21, 2017, 11:18:31 am »
I'm so sorry for your family's lack of support. I hope your kids will come around with time, especially as you presumably become a happier, better adjusted person.

Thanks Randy; I hope so too!






Offline Jamie87

  • **
  • Posts: 19
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #30 on: March 25, 2017, 02:02:58 am »
I really do not have a specific `moment of truth`. I had been going back and forth for a couple of years while I was in college, ultimately deciding that I should wait (big mistake, the best time for me would have been to start in college). I started my career after I graduated and I was still going back and forth on whether or not I should transition. Eventually, I realized that this was not something that was going to go away. I contacted a therapist via email and told her about my situation. She was kind and understanding, but I got cold feet and cut off communication. A year later, I got the courage to recontact her and setup an appointment. I started HRT shortly after that. There is a lot more to my situation, but I will spare the details. I am taking my transition very slowly, carefully and safely, making sure that I complete every step 100 percent before proceeding to the next.



Offline Amoré

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 541
  • Reputation: +5/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #31 on: March 25, 2017, 02:39:49 am »
I started transitioning in a very funny way I went on hrt when my ex approved it and supported me and went off when she decided she want to leave me. It was 4 months after I stopped and tried to live male again and struggling to do that my ex came to me with divorce papers I signed the papers walked to the closet and took hrt. I was like well what do I have to lose now. I promised her if she divorces me I would transition and I kept my promise ever since.

That was the turning point I won't deny that my transition was a coping mechanism for me during the period of divorce to distract me from what was going on around me.


Excuse me for living

Offline SadieBlake

  • *
  • Posts: 771
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #32 on: March 25, 2017, 06:39:00 am »
Two specific moments. 20 years ago I was in my first relationship post divorce. It was a relationship heavy on S&M and with plenty of D&S overtures and Paula told me to go buy panties and wear them for presenting a paper that had been accepted in a conference on structural analysis at MIT. For the prior entirely of my adult life I'd gone commando and to this day I remember how liberating it felt to capture the testicles and tuck them away for a flat, feminine appearance. That's what started me realizing I'm trans and I've presented exclusively femme in sexual and relationship realms ever since.

The second was realizing that being laid off from a research job that I more or less hated gave me 18 months of COBRA coverage to transition and that it was time. When I'd started that job and realized I had a clear path financially to transition 5 years earlier I'd evaluated and decided not to proceed for all sorts of practical reasons. When the forcing function arrived i decided it was time to recognize my life and recurring depression couldn't be addressed without addressing gender as who I am, not just who I was in my private life.

NotSure81

Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #33 on: March 25, 2017, 06:40:08 am »
This was actually several weeks ago. I was actually talking to a friend online about his transition, and all the thoughts over the years I had about me kept running through my mind "Maybe I'm not entirely male.. I could be trans". Sitting at the computer late at night, listening to him talk about wanting to transition to female and offering advice about other things and reading how hes feeling and whats going on, is actually similar to how I feel. "I'm not all male mentally. I want to also present as female".

I'm still going back and forth with transition "yes" and "no" with the "yes" far outweighing the "no". I had decided I am going to transition and start presenting slowly. But, I don't think I want to go full female with bottom surgery too but I'm not opposed to it. Maybe get somewhere in the middle but more on the feminine side. If it feels more right presenting more as female I'll go further.

Offline Charlie Nicki

  • Born a boy, exploring transgender feelings
  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 194
  • Reputation: +3/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #34 on: March 29, 2017, 12:25:51 pm »
As usual, I'm the weird one.

I wasn't the one who made the decision.  About 3 1/2 years ago, I read a post that made me consider that I might be trans.  I started seeing a therapist (well, I started with a different one, but he was a dud), and one day during the session, I kind of heard a voice from what I assume is my unconscious (I call it my "inner oracle") that said, "you're going to transition.  Just thought you'd like to know."  I kind of went "what?" (inside my head, of course) and when I recovered, I tried to ask the Oracle exactly how it was going to happen, but it seems oracles don't answer follow-up questions.  I had to handle the details myself.

This made me giggle, what a great story :)

Offline davina61

  • *
  • Posts: 285
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: For anyone who has made the decision to transition
« Reply #35 on: March 29, 2017, 02:34:10 pm »
Have been trawling the memory (hard work at my age!!!!) so this what emerged, when I was very young I would rather play with the Girls as I found the boys rough and aggressive. Next memory is going to a static caravan site on holiday   and remember the site manager saying that a man had stayed in one van and when he left it was as a woman,the way he put it made it sound as he went to bed male and woke up female and the thought was I wish that could happen to me. Recon I was 12 or younger. The next one is watching musical films and wanting to dance---as the lead lady. Watching a famous female dancer on the telly and wanting to wear her dress that fanned out as she span, still do to be honest. I suppose T supressed this as working in a male job , not knowing about transitioning (70s) ect got in the way but it was being in a dead marriage (not from me) but how much can a person take of constant "gripes" that I just started crossdressing at first for sexual relief but then knowing that's where I needed to go till finally I had enough and went THIS IS ME . Now the adventure starts,watch this space   
a long time coming (out)

Tags: