Author Topic: Dating feels impossible  (Read 1037 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Sophia Sentiment

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 28
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Dating feels impossible
« on: March 26, 2017, 10:50:52 pm »
I feel as though transitioning has guaranteed me a life of remaining single.

Being transgendered seems to mark you as "undateable". I know I do not look like a woman, it's almost pitiable and I've been out long enough to have lost any expectation that I'm ever going to look female enough to be worth anyone's attention. I would not date a woman who fell so short of passing as I do because physically I only begin to resemble female. That is no more my fault than it is anyone else's for not wanting to date a trans woman.

So what is there to be done? Is there any other choice but to resign oneself to loneliness? I would only ever want to date someone who sees me as female but because I appear so undeniably male I cannot imagine someone ever looking at me as a partner.

Trans forums and groups always seem so staggeringly lonely; it seems so many people see relationships end or condemn themselves to loneliness by transitioning. Perhaps this our lot as trans people. I'm saving everything I can to undergo every possible surgery so I can pass and have half a hope of finding love. Until then, how do you deal with the agonizing solitude?

Offline Michelle_P

  • Transgender veteran, advocate, and public speaker
  • Family
  • *****
  • *
  • Posts: 3,938
  • Reputation: +49/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Voices for Transgender Equality, GLAAD Media Alum
    • Michelle Paquette (Blog)
Re: Dating feels impossible
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2017, 11:07:12 pm »
Sophia, I think I can understand and commiserate with you.  I do have friends, as I hope you do, and I can enjoy a social life of some sort with them.

I find anything more to be, well, unlikely.  "63 Year old lesbian transwoman seeks..." aaaand flick left. Next, please! 

I willingly chose this path for my life, and I knew at the time that it had certain consequences, including this, but the alternatives were rather grim in my case.  Life, once again, requires some compromise.

[Image Removed]
Earth my body, water my blood, air my breath and fire my spirit.

Electrolysis - Hours in The Chair: 235 (8.5 were preparing for GCS, five clearings); On estradiol patch June 2016; Full-time Oct 22, 2016; GCS Oct 20, 2017; FFS Aug 28, 2018
Michelle’s personal blog and biography

Offline Sophia Sentiment

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 28
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Dating feels impossible
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2017, 11:26:04 pm »
Hi Michelle. Unfortunately I don't have many friends and none close, none whom I can confide in when times are hard. It often feels a wasted life to me, having been born this way. To have the option of finding a relationship but remaining closeted and denying myself my basic humanity? Or come out and accept I will never have love? I never have known love, never had a relationship and I doubt I ever will. I can think of few things I want as much as a partner, so to have to build my values outside of what matters most to me feels a bleak and empty way to look at the many years ahead.

Offline VeronicaLynn

  • I'm a veronicagirl!
  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 503
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Dating feels impossible
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2017, 11:50:10 pm »
Online dating perhaps is the worst choice for transgender people.

No one is really looking for one of us, and yet if one is, it is probably a fetish, and should be avoided...

I still hold out hope in meeting someone in person, whether that be at some bar, or some store or wherever...I do still meet women I have a chance with when I'm out being me, every now and then, though they are so few and far between, and in part because of that I often make mistakes and lose them before anything really happens, mainly by not being more aggressive. The fact that we are trans doesn't change the fact that cis-women are trained to not make the first moves, and unfortunately then, no one makes a move and we walk our separate ways...while I dislike the fact that I still have to be the one making the moves, this often is a problem with cis-gender lesbians as well...

Offline Michelle_P

  • Transgender veteran, advocate, and public speaker
  • Family
  • *****
  • *
  • Posts: 3,938
  • Reputation: +49/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Voices for Transgender Equality, GLAAD Media Alum
    • Michelle Paquette (Blog)
Re: Dating feels impossible
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2017, 11:53:42 pm »
Sophia, one thing I've done is make a positive effort to build a social life for myself, including trying to put myself in places where I might meet like-minded folks.

Joining clubs or social organizations, community service groups, even some churches can put us in contact with more people, including people who might even be interested in dating us.

In my case, I maintained membership in an amateur radio club that I had joined while I was still a male.  Yes, they have seen me transition, and that was a fun topic on it's own.  I'm currently president of the organization.

I joined a trans social support group in the area that hosts regular dinners and meetups, some Saturday shopping sessions, and some of us even meet up once a week at a local burger joint.

The big one was joining a Unitarian Universalist church.  This partricular group is really interesting, as I am an atheist, and that is just fine with them.  (UU is a very unusual religion, no creed, a set of basic beliefs about the nature of humanity and the world, and very accepting.). The church sponsors a number of activities intended to help build community and network members together.  I help out with coffee klatches on Sundays, have dinner there with a smallish group on Thursdays, help out on the LGBTQQ Committee and Kitchen Committee, and have been known to show up at protests, picket lines, and marches from time to time.

I've made some good friends there, folks I've gone out to dinners with, movies, various special events. (A Two-Spirit Native American Powwow, for example, with one friend who is an avid drummer.  She grew up next to a reservation and was very interested in seeing how this particular event would look.)

It beats sitting alone nights, and who knows, someday I might meet someone who is interested in a Blue Jean Lipstick Lesbian of a certain age with an unusual background.
Earth my body, water my blood, air my breath and fire my spirit.

Electrolysis - Hours in The Chair: 235 (8.5 were preparing for GCS, five clearings); On estradiol patch June 2016; Full-time Oct 22, 2016; GCS Oct 20, 2017; FFS Aug 28, 2018
Michelle’s personal blog and biography

Offline Alanna1990

  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 170
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Happiest Transgender
Re: Dating feels impossible
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2017, 01:25:44 am »
I feel as though transitioning has guaranteed me a life of remaining single.

Being transgendered seems to mark you as "undateable". I know I do not look like a woman, it's almost pitiable and I've been out long enough to have lost any expectation that I'm ever going to look female enough to be worth anyone's attention. I would not date a woman who fell so short of passing as I do because physically I only begin to resemble female. That is no more my fault than it is anyone else's for not wanting to date a trans woman.

So what is there to be done? Is there any other choice but to resign oneself to loneliness? I would only ever want to date someone who sees me as female but because I appear so undeniably male I cannot imagine someone ever looking at me as a partner.

Trans forums and groups always seem so staggeringly lonely; it seems so many people see relationships end or condemn themselves to loneliness by transitioning. Perhaps this our lot as trans people. I'm saving everything I can to undergo every possible surgery so I can pass and have half a hope of finding love. Until then, how do you deal with the agonizing solitude?

Have you tried tinder? I don't know what kind of person you're looking for, but I like girls, and tinder's got a lot of people, but... on the other side there's a lot of freaks on the internet and it's dangerous, we have to be careful.

Regarding that feeling... yes, most of us I guess feel alone and misunderstood, I for once just want somebody who will like me for who I am, not for what I have between my legs, but people are like that, we just have to look for that rare (extremely rare) flower in the fields.

Offline Sophia Sentiment

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 28
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Dating feels impossible
« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2017, 01:46:08 am »
Alanna, I do try to use Tinder but I find it terrifying. I never know what to say or how to hold a conversation. I also get very few matches. I've tried asking people out before and most often I get ignored. Other times I've been unmatched. Once a girl said she'd meet and then stood me up, messaging later to say she wanted to stay home. I've never had a girl start a conversation with me on Tinder and never get far. I don't know if I need to be doing something different.

Michelle, I think that's a good idea. I'm very quiet and being depressed has taken a toll on my outward appearance. I think being so melancholy makes it difficult for people to warm to me but I genuinely try my hardest to make friends. I don't have a lot of spare time outside of work but I'd like to do classes or something. I think part of the problem is also trying to figure out why the friends I do have never seem to invite me to things or value my company. I'm not sure what I can do beyond continuing to be the caring and genuine person I feel I am but I'll always persevere.

Offline Dena

  • (S) Global Moderator
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 15,445
  • Reputation: +112/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Dating feels impossible
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2017, 02:02:23 am »
I have heard discussions on this site that OKcupid works pretty good for some of our members. They post an honest profile as the site accepts matches other than binary matches. 
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use dena@susans.org if your unable to PM - Skype and FaceTime available - My Transition
If you are helped by this site, consider leaving a tip in the jar at the bottom of the page or become a subscriber

Offline Thessa

  • *
  • Posts: 240
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Dating feels impossible
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2017, 03:36:47 am »
i can confirm that Okcupid is the most promising online dating platform for us.

I had dates and I have very nice conversation with open-minded women.