Author Topic: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?  (Read 6212 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Julie Marie

  • Retired Moderator
  • *
  • Posts: 3,798
  • Reputation: +75/-0
  • Gender: Female
Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« on: November 18, 2007, 12:23:46 pm »
For those of you who have ventured onto the dating scene as your true self, have you been openly trans or have you chosen to be stealth? 

In the limited exposure I've had (not dating, just socializing) I see too often men who view transwomen in a pornographic way.  If you enter the dating scene openly admitting you are trans the creeps come out of the closet in droves.  That's what I've seen so far.  What's been your experience?

Julie
When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself.

Steph

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2007, 01:02:37 pm »
For those of you who have ventured onto the dating scene as your true self, have you been openly trans or have you chosen to be stealth? 

In the limited exposure I've had (not dating, just socializing) I see too often men who view transwomen in a pornographic way.  If you enter the dating scene openly admitting you are trans the creeps come out of the closet in droves.  That's what I've seen so far.  What's been your experience?

Julie


For myself when I meet a man I wait and see where the relationship goes, if one develops at all.  If one doesn't then I stay stealth and no one is the wiser.  However, if a relationship develops then I will tell them about my past.  I've met quite a few men in the clubs and in other casual settings and from those encounters two of them turned into relationships where I came out to them, and both times the relationships flourished.  The reason they didn't last was due to lets just say - personality differences.

Now in my particular case I'm quite well know around town due to my community activities, and of course all those who work with me know about me so for me I just think it would be a little deceitful not telling then having the person find out from someone else.

Just my experience.  I'm sure that others have different experiences.

Steph

BCL

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2007, 11:02:22 pm »
I have dated quite a few guys now and like Steph has said, my opening line, is never ... "Pleased to meet you, I am a Transsexual".

I have not told anyone that I dated yet, the longest relationship being 6 months. Two reasons, I have never felt strongly enough (or trusted any of the guys) to be open & honest with them.

Secondly, why out yourself and face problems (if the relationship is going nowhere)

But yes, I will eventually tell someone of my past life, If I love them deeply enough.

Rebecca

buttercup

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #3 on: November 18, 2007, 11:22:27 pm »
For those of you who have ventured onto the dating scene as your true self, have you been openly trans or have you chosen to be stealth? 

In the limited exposure I've had (not dating, just socializing) I see too often men who view transwomen in a pornographic way.  If you enter the dating scene openly admitting you are trans the creeps come out of the closet in droves.  That's what I've seen so far.  What's been your experience?

Julie


I haven't been dating Julie as yet, but just socializing has brought the creeps out for me too.  It is quite frightening really and confronting especially while you are trying to talk to them and they won't wipe the smile off their face.  It has made me very sad at times.  Young guys usually try to play it cool and easier to get rid of, but the old guys just make me want to wretch!!  :o
I have met many nice guys and they can be quite protective, but unfortunately not relationship material.  But you can never have too many friends.  I might end up alone or find a woman to spend my life with.  Who knows.  :)

Berliegh

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2007, 07:47:01 am »
I've been to the pub a couple of times and guys have bought me drinks and one guy asked me out. But I haven't followed it up and just said I already had a partner. I would think it was quite difficult for someone not to read me over a longer period of time and I think most of us would be read eventually anyway. 

melissa90299

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2007, 08:52:19 am »
For those of you who have ventured onto the dating scene as your true self, have you been openly trans or have you chosen to be stealth? 

In the limited exposure I've had (not dating, just socializing) I see too often men who view transwomen in a pornographic way.  If you enter the dating scene openly admitting you are trans the creeps come out of the closet in droves.  That's what I've seen so far.  What's been your experience?

Julie



Mostly creeps, but if you are pre-op, what choice do you have? Post-op, I am stealth. I would disclose if the relationship became serious. After a man has been intimate with me, it is going to be very hard to believe that I was anything but a cisgendered woman but I guess different men would take the disclosure differently.

Yvonne

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #6 on: November 19, 2007, 05:26:30 pm »
I am not open to anyone. I cannot give myself that luxury but whatever works for you should be quite alright.

Berliegh

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #7 on: November 19, 2007, 06:06:11 pm »
I am not open to anyone. I cannot give myself that luxury but whatever works for you should be quite alright.

Not all of us have that luxury of not being read after a few dates.....you are very lucky in that respect..

melissa90299

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #8 on: November 19, 2007, 06:30:45 pm »
[/size]
I am not open to anyone. I cannot give myself that luxury but whatever works for you should be quite alright.

I am not exactly sure what you are saying, would you not disclose before marriage?

And you are pretty open here, posting your image where anyone in the world could see it.

Kimberly

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2007, 11:16:24 pm »
I find I do not hide anything about me that might affect "my partner", which includes but is not limited to this TS mess. *shrug* I would far rather the person who falls in love with me know exactly what I am. For whatever my preferences are worth ;)

celibi87

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #10 on: November 20, 2007, 12:00:19 am »
I honestly haven't tried dating as my true self yet. To be honest I haven't dated dated with anyone in almost a year and a half. If I had the choice I would be open and let them know before they try to take me home.

gothique11

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #11 on: November 22, 2007, 02:00:20 am »
I'm stealth if I'm dating someone, until more comes up.

My last experience, it was a month and then I had to tell him (ur, we were in bed together -- he had no idea -- and it was a very awkward conversation, then we slept together, and now we don't talk to each other).

If I was post-op, part of me would not want to say anything until even further along. But then if I'm post-op, I don't know how much the trans history would be important. Since I'm pre-op, well, erm, it's hard to hide the parts once you're naked.

Right now I'm not really dating anyone. I'm not closing the door, but I'm not opening it right away, either.

Yvonne

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #12 on: November 22, 2007, 02:12:56 am »
[/size]
I am not open to anyone. I cannot give myself that luxury but whatever works for you should be quite alright.

I am not exactly sure what you are saying, would you not disclose before marriage?

Exactly what I said.  That I cannot give myself the luxury to divulge my personal issues with peeps.  I wouldnt disclose anything even before marriage.  I hope I made myself clear. 


And you are pretty open here, posting your image where anyone in the world could see it.

Because I know that nobody I know would come here, to a trans, American site looking for me.  Women like myself that are stealth are stealth because we can be stealth though I know that the reality for other peeps is quite different.

Offline Julie Marie

  • Retired Moderator
  • *
  • Posts: 3,798
  • Reputation: +75/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #13 on: November 22, 2007, 09:45:34 am »
I've two feelings about this.  One is that if they don't know, even after being intimate, then why bring the issue up?  If you do you risk changing the entire relationship and probably ending it.  I didn't choose to be trans, God made me this way.  Society has attached such a negative stigma to us it's sometimes impossible to get people to open their eyes.  Why tell someone something that they about which they are likely to have a totally twisted opinion?  I am a very honest and open person but I also want to be treated like a normal woman.  Once I disclose my male past the odds of that happening are slim to none.  But if they find out I'll ask them, "With they way society views us, how else would you expect me to handle this?"

If I disclose upfront or early into a relationship that I am trans the <not allowed> <not allowed> will likely be the only ones remaining and then I become nothing other than a sex toy.  I don't want that life.  I know there are very open minded people out there but they're not that easy to find.  Once I make the disclosure, I will be seen as a man who became a woman.  People won't be able to separate my male past from my present one.

Lately I've thought about fabricating a white lie, of sorts, where I can disclose my past but weave into the story of my transitioning factors that eliminate most of the "choice" people think we have.  Since so many people are ignorant about transsexualism, I believe you could tell them your story with a twist and they'd believe it.

What I know for sure is I want to be treated like a normal woman.  If I can be stealth I will be.  And I won't disclose any of my past to anyone I meet until that time comes when a relationship gets serious enough to warrant it.  Then I will give it serious consideration before I open my mouth.  GRS is only seven months away.  I know it will bring major changes, maybe even in attitude.  I want to be as prepared as I can for my new life.  I want to live it completely as a woman, not as a freak.

Julie
When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself.

melissa90299

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #14 on: November 22, 2007, 10:01:07 am »
Julie, I am not sure that non-disclosure pre-op is wise. Not worth the trouble, unless it is a very casual date. Have you tried dating "stealth" yet?

Enigma

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #15 on: November 22, 2007, 10:06:06 am »
I would call it delusion. That someone could live with someone, potentially for the rest of her life, without ever finding out? Have you really thought this out? As well as the wisdom of posting your image and declaring to the whole world that you are trans?

Yeah...how do you explain not being able to get pregnant?  Not having a period?  Not having any pictures of you under a certain age?

For that matter, are you sure the people that "knew you before" won't ever possibly slip up and out you (however accidental it may be)?

katia

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #16 on: November 22, 2007, 10:09:18 am »
to each, their own ;)  there are certain things that you can't just conceal forever, yet if you can manage to do it, why not?  tricky situation, dont cha think?

melissa90299

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #17 on: November 22, 2007, 10:15:36 am »
to each, their own ;)  there are certain things that you can't just conceal forever, yet if you can manage to do it, why not? 

Because it is not reality unless you have joined the witness protection program. :)

Valentina

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #18 on: November 22, 2007, 04:17:55 pm »
I'm still pre-op.  I dont date.  I hate sex in a body like this.  I dont want to end up dead on the street somewhere.  Men are very transphobic here.  Maybe after GRS when I'm complete, it'll be another story.  Or else it's OK too.

Jeannette

Re: Dating: Be Open or Stealth?
« Reply #19 on: November 23, 2007, 07:08:21 am »
I am stealth but when it comes to dating, I would rather be as honest as possible about my past as theres the chance that the relationship can develop into something serious and long term. A relationship based on lies is not a good thing for anyone.

Tags: