Author Topic: I have no idea what to do.  (Read 844 times)

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Offline Incoherency

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I have no idea what to do.
« on: April 25, 2017, 09:43:24 pm »
alright, so ... i'm new to joining this forum but i've known of this website for a long time. i only just recently decided to join because things are getting more serious. this post will be a long one with lots of info, just a warning. there's also mentions (not descriptive) of an eating disorder, so if you're very triggered by that i wouldn't recommend reading.

for starters, i'm AFAB, 17 years old, and i guess i identify as non-binary. although, what my identity is happens to be a part of my struggle right now. for a bit of history, as a young kid i don't think i recall thinking too much about my gender. as most kids probably don't. because at that point, you have a neutral body, i had nothing to be dysphoric about and my mom dressed me in female clothes because i was a girl. i didn't really care, i liked stereotypical female things but i also liked some stereotypical boy things...i don't think that's very unusual or even that important to mention, but i need to be thorough because i'm struggling and hoping for as much help as possible.

when i was 8 is when i started to feel like a male, more so. so, third grade. in middle school, i developed an eating disorder because puberty was distributing fat to feminine places, and i don't think i was comfortable with that and i wanted to retain my androgynous figure i'd had throughout childhood (obviously, i didn't realize this at the time).

i didn't even know there was a such thing as 'transgender' at that time. but when i did first find out about it, i remember a moment where something clicked. i started researching and in 5th grade i remember already telling my best friend i wanted to 'have a sex change' when i was old enough. i didn't really talk to my parents about this because i had no idea what their stance on lgbt things were.

i've always gotten a lot of severe dysphoria. the thing is, it's not constant. sometimes i'm actually okay with being female. other times, i hate it and all i want is to transition as fast as possible and present as male, completely. these times can last for days, weeks, months, or even years. i never know how severe or how long the bouts of dysphoria will last. i'd say i mostly present as masculine, i'm more comfortable with male pronouns than female ones, and i bind frequently or wear sports bras. trying on regular bras gives me so much immediate dysphoria that i usually end up feeling an overwhelming sense of panic or despair and react very negatively. but i also really, really like wearing makeup and sometimes i want to wear a dress and be very feminine. just...maybe not as frequently as i feel masculine? i honestly don't really know.

often times, i've started feeling extremely hopeless. i really don't want to be non-binary, and would much rather be FtM if it were something i could choose. only because i feel like i'll never be able to get to a physical place that matches how i feel with how weirdly my dysphoria fluctuates if i'm non-binary. i'm terrified of regretting going on T, but at the same time, i'm already uncomfortable generally living as a female. not much would really change, would it?? i'd just be unhappy but on the other end of the spectrum. but i don't feel there's any way to transition to how i truly feel, and i barely even know how i feel or what i identify as. i don't know if i'm just scared, because medically transitioning is a big thing. but i have some FtM trans friends who seem so confident about it. even though, online i've been told that worrying about regret is normal. so, i'm at a huge loss, here. i don't know how common it is to be this scared and unsure about hrt, but also kind of eager to start it asap????

i'm also afraid of aging as a male, too. i also can't tell if...it's because the things i hate on myself, i find attractive on others? i think females are extremely attractive and i'm more comfortable dealing with female anatomy more than i am with male anatomy. i don't know if that could have a factor of me being scared of...getting rid of certain parts of myself, parts that i usually find attractive on other people? as far as surgeries go, i'd only want top surgery, i think. i think i'd get that no matter what, but my main concern right now is hrt.

i know i have time to decide. but i want to get to a place before college where i can feel more comfortable with myself, so to some degree i have made a deadline for myself, and it's obviously been something i've been thinking about for a very, very long time. i have a ton of mental health issues and i do think a big part of them are related to the dysphoria, since i get so distraught whenever it comes up. namely, severe anxiety.

i'm just really scared. i feel like if i truly wanted to go on T, i wouldn't be second-guessing myself this much. it doesn't help that my mom second-guesses me a lot, too, and other than this new gender therapist i just saw for the first time today, she's the only one who FINALLY somewhat supports me on it (after many years). i'm also scared of the side effects of T, mostly the acne and if i do regret it, the permanent changes that would be hard to get rid of. i have PCOS and i already have an imbalance in hormones because of that and just generally as a female, i'm currently on birth control which also seems to effect my dysphoria in some ways too?

the thing is, i'm eligible to go on hrt. i could go down to the clinic right now, get a blood test, have my mom sign the form and get it started sooner than i thought. i wasn't expecting that, and when i discovered this information, i was absolutely ecstatic. this was just earlier today, by the way. but now here i am, after a small argument with my mom, doubting myself and feeling a shit show of different emotions all at once. i don't really know what i'm looking for in responses, and i know seeing this gender therapist might help me, but everything feels like it's just...not going fast enough. like i'm not figuring things out and starting things fast enough. getting where i need to be. any advice or feedback to any of this, or even personal experiences, would be very much appreciated.

if this fits in the transitioning section more, i apologize for putting it here. i've seen similar threads of NB folks being unsure about hrt, so i thought it might be appropriate to put here. since, i mostly do identify as NB, i just don't know the specifics.

Online Dena

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Re: I have no idea what to do.
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2017, 10:39:34 pm »
I don't know how familiar your are with the non binary but if you haven't looked at gender fluid/bi gender you should see if the terms apply to you. If the terms do apply, it will be a very difficult decision about starting T. You will have to decide which gender you are more comfortable with. An example would be if you feel mostly male, T might be a good decision however if you are mostly female, T may not be the solution to your problem. You might start by looking at our WIKI . There are a couple of other threads you might be interested in and I am providing the links below.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,202966.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,201219.0.html
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Online Laurie

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Re: I have no idea what to do.
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2017, 10:57:01 pm »
 Hi Incoherency,

  I'm Jeanette, 64, mtf and on hrt. Reading what you wrote make me agree with the title of you post. You do not know which wat to go. That much is obvious. You are pulled this way and that, One moment you want to be female and enjoy the makeup and other female things too I am sure. In another moment you want to be male. Sometimes you would be happy somewhere in between. That sounds non-binary to me but I'm not good ate these new categories. I'm old and still stuck in a binary state of mind, the only problem is I feel I am female and my body is male. But like you I had my doubts about starting HRT also.
  It is a terrible thing to live with uncertainty and doubts and fears. I eventually made my decision and I think it was the right one for me. The longer I take my HRT and see the changes I have wanted to happen, happening the more certain I become. The more I do to further my progress the better about it I feel. I too have a gender therapist I talk to to help me come to terms with my fears and uncertainties. And of course finding this community here at Susan's has help me a lot. I have found friends and mentors here to encourage me and give me advice and generally help me along when I need it.
     Incoherency, no one can make your decision for you, you will have to decide what you want to do for yourself. Talking about everything you have bothering you with you gender issues with your therapist is probably the be thing you can do for yourself at this time. You are young yet and have time to talk about it and to think things through then when you can , make your decision. There's no hurry to make that decision either. I felt that sense of urgency because I am older, and I have been told I am going to die soon twice but I'm not listening to them I expect to be around several more years yet. But I did have a sense of urgency to do this and so I made my decision and am getting my transition going. 
   But again you are not older, nor have you serious medical conditions. You have time so don't be in a hurry to make that decision, Go get help, think things over , allay the fears and then make up your own mind.
  Go make use of that therapist and let him/her help you settle your thought and calm your mind over what you want to do. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette
“Sit with me, and I'll not be alone. Hold my hand, and I'll not feel alone. Cry with me, and I'll no longer suffer alone.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich,

Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol




Offline Incoherency

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Re: I have no idea what to do.
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2017, 11:22:26 pm »
thank you for the messages, i appreciate any feedback i can get.

i'm also pretty familiar with all the different NB labels and terms, i just don't know which one i actually truly feel i can fit into, which is another part of my problem. it's something i definitely will try to work more on with my therapist. i'm in a hurry and truly eager to start transitioning, and want to soon, but i'm not sure what i'm attempting to change about myself entirely. i know some NB people do go on hrt but it all depends, and i just don't know how to make that call. if it'll help me look more like how i feel or not. but i don't know how i feel entirely, either. especially because it changes. so sometimes hearing other's experiences is helpful or gives me a sense of hope, so again, thank you.

Offline theqnoumenon

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Re: I have no idea what to do.
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2017, 04:02:15 pm »
Hi, Incoherency!
I'm Q (AMAB,  ~20 yo.), and reading your posts I can relate to some of the things you wrote. I've also felt like a roller-coaster and feel like that sometimes, I don't even know what I exactly am, but if it helps, I can try to tell you how I try to manage it.

First of all, unless they really help you, don't get stuck with labels. There are so many opinions about this issue, but sometimes finding a label can be more difficult than just worrying to be yourself. Have in mind that maybe no label can define you, everyone is unique and may not fit in any label at all, and if this is your case, it's perfectly normal, these names have been defined with average experiences and not everyone feels right in a category.

I'm also so scared right now with the idea of starting HRT or anything that can change my body in a drastic way (I know how I feel, I definitely know that I'm not a man, but I still have this feeling, rephrasing yours: i feel like if i truly wanted to go on E, i wouldn't be second-guessing myself this much). That's why (I wrote about this in another post in this section) I'll be doing things smoothly, I'll try to experiment with myself first and do, when I'm reading, some kind of non-medical transition (trying to adapt the voice practising, makeup, clothing, hair...) to see if it really fits me or not and forget all those second-guesses :)

I hope this can help you a bit.
Welcome to the forum and hugs,
Q.

Offline Royal Blue

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Re: I have no idea what to do.
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2017, 05:04:10 am »
I'm 22, AFAB and probably nonbinary too, and your situation sounds similar to mine. I also have dysphoria that goes on and off, plus considering HRT but unsure. Plus the anxiety. That being said, I don't know if what works for me will work for you, but I'll offer it in case it helps.

The one thing that makes me feel calm and secure amidst all the questioning and confusion is remembering that I don't have to have a clear answer yet. It might feel like the end of the world if you don't have yourself figured out before college, but I just graduated and I still have no idea, yet I think I'm doing pretty well, all things considered. :) Everyone finds answers at their own pace, and you have plenty of time to explore your identity and what makes you feel comfortable. I find that not worrying about what to label myself also decreases the stress and pressure I feel. (Easier said than done, though...)

I would also suggest exploring some options for easing dysphoria that are non-permanent. I see that you already bind, but maybe think about other sources of your dysphoria and how you could ease them short term? If you feel like you have options other than HRT for dealing with it, that might also help making the plunge seem less now-or-never, and still give you room to explore feminine presentation when it feels right.

Good luck!

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: I have no idea what to do.
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2017, 05:04:41 pm »
Hi, Incoherency!
I'm Q (AMAB,  ~20 yo.), and reading your posts I can relate to some of the things you wrote. I've also felt like a roller-coaster and feel like that sometimes, I don't even know what I exactly am, but if it helps, I can try to tell you how I try to manage it.

First of all, unless they really help you, don't get stuck with labels. There are so many opinions about this issue, but sometimes finding a label can be more difficult than just worrying to be yourself. Have in mind that maybe no label can define you, everyone is unique and may not fit in any label at all, and if this is your case, it's perfectly normal, these names have been defined with average experiences and not everyone feels right in a category.

I'm also so scared right now with the idea of starting HRT or anything that can change my body in a drastic way (I know how I feel, I definitely know that I'm not a man, but I still have this feeling, rephrasing yours: i feel like if i truly wanted to go on E, i wouldn't be second-guessing myself this much). That's why (I wrote about this in another post in this section) I'll be doing things smoothly, I'll try to experiment with myself first and do, when I'm reading, some kind of non-medical transition (trying to adapt the voice practising, makeup, clothing, hair...) to see if it really fits me or not and forget all those second-guesses :)

I hope this can help you a bit.
Welcome to the forum and hugs,
Q.

Hi Q, it's been a while since you posted this. I would like to know if anything changed. My process has been kind of the opposite, I was convinced I wanted to transition and started hormones, and now after 2 months I'm doubting myself, thinking that maybe I'm queer/gender fluid and not transsexual.

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