Author Topic: Life's catch 22 again  (Read 4972 times)

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Offline josie76

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #60 on: November 25, 2017, 01:06:09 pm »
Somewhere in all this I did have a couple of family social milestones.

My older brother's wedding. This was quite the event in the city. My brother and his boyfriend got married in the last of October. I went as myself openly. My mother-in-law bought me new slacks and a suit coat from the ladies department. We went together her and I to a Dillard's. My grandfather was not there so I didn't need to pretend to be all guy. Some family found reasons not to go like my uncle. It was a really beautiful ceremony at an indoor garden in the Forest Park of St. Louis. The reception was at an art gallery ball room.

Thanksgiving myself and my two daughters went to my brother's house in St Louis. We were the only members of his side that made it. Most of his husband's family was there. I had a good time visiting with the two of them and his husband's two sisters that were there, hanging out in their tiny kitchen while they finished things up. My kids played with several of their new cousins and had an awesome time. Again I was freely myself. No fancy clothes, just my hair in a ponytail of sorts, skinny jeans, a long sleeve top and a cardigan sweater. It was definately comfortable being there. We stayed overnight. His husband had to work the next morning so my big brother , myself, and my kids went to get breakfast before we returned home. It was a fun time.
04/26/2018 bi-lateral orchiectomy

A lifetime of depression and repressed emotions is nothing more than existence. I for one want to live now not just exist!




Offline Laurie

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #61 on: November 25, 2017, 02:02:42 pm »
Hi Josie,

  It does sound like you had a positive and enjoyable time with both event. How affirming it must have been to be accepted as yourself and wow that shopping trip must have had you walking on air. Good for you girl, you need these kind of happy events.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Hi, I'm Laurie

“Sit with me, and I'll not be alone. Hold my hand, and I'll not feel alone. Cry with me, and I'll no longer suffer alone.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich,

May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone




Offline Megan.

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #62 on: November 25, 2017, 03:23:49 pm »
Those sound like great positives steps forward for you and your family.

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Offline tgirlamc

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #63 on: November 25, 2017, 03:54:04 pm »
Congrats Josie! ... enjoy all the victories and sweet moments as you step  into your new life

Hugs!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment"... Ralph Waldo Emerson🌻

Hope Lives...https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,233543.0.html

Fear Not... https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

“All shall be well and All shall be well and All manner of things shall be well... For there is a force of love moving through the universe that holds us fast and will never let us go.” ... Julian of Norwich 🌻

Offline josie76

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #64 on: December 16, 2017, 06:01:21 am »
When life just goes well I forget to add any updates here.  :D

My SO and myself continue to try to work through our relationship. I think we are both just tired of fighting. We are getting along better albeit more platonically these days. The kids are happy and that matters more than anything to the both of us. The kids are both doing well in their school down here in the middle of the southern region of IL. Thank goodness for an accepting Catholic Church and school here. Otherwise we are surrounded by many evangelical Christian churches. We are also close to a University so tolerance is better than expected here. I just avoid any of the hangouts of the "old fogies" around here. My mother-in-law is buying a house in town right next to the kids school. It was a lucky find and the price was very good. There are a large number of bank forclosure homes in this town for sale. It will give us all more room than her and our apartments do now and will cost less monthly. Plus the kids have a yard to play in and we can walk them to school.

My medical situation remains stalled. It's been a month since the orthopedic surgeon requested to do surgery to remove the herniation from two of the discs in my back. There has been no answer from the work comp insurance adjuster. My other doctor, the spinal rehab one, told me if nothing happens in the next two months he will push for surgery also for me. Otherwise he can offer to order a second epidural steroid injection. The first one dint do much if anything aside from giving me another source of pain at the injection site.  :P He then told me that after nine months if my nerve pressure does not recover surgery should be done or the weakness I have in my right leg along with the pain may become permanent.  >:( Really not happy about hearing that!

Otherwise life hasn't changed much. I have been able to see my therapist a couple of weeks in a row and go to the group in St Louis. That has been nice to do again. I have noticed the symptoms of taking the massive amounts of gabapentin for my nerve pain seem to be increasing. My ability to use my vocabulary is worsening as is my short term memory. This has not been good to experience.

In the next week, I am hoping to be able to clean up the inside of the new house while the kids are in school. We might be able to start moving in furniture after Christmas. That will be nice.
04/26/2018 bi-lateral orchiectomy

A lifetime of depression and repressed emotions is nothing more than existence. I for one want to live now not just exist!




Offline Laurie

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #65 on: December 16, 2017, 01:41:56 pm »
  Glad to see you are hanging in there Josie. Not the best of updates but it does have some good points in it. Try to focus on them. Sometime life just doesn't want to go as we would like it to and we must just keep plodding through until better days come round. I'm sure you've weather more difficult time and you can do it this time too.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Hi, I'm Laurie

“Sit with me, and I'll not be alone. Hold my hand, and I'll not feel alone. Cry with me, and I'll no longer suffer alone.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich,

May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone




Offline josie76

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #66 on: December 27, 2017, 05:33:13 pm »
I had a decent Christmas at my grandparents. My grandpa is the only family who does not know about me so I obviously went boyish dressed. I had a large button shirt on so nothing stood out too much with my belly fat and all.  ;D I did wear my favorite boot cut jeans and kept in my earrings, all three of them. Just left my hair down. I did get one "you need a haircut" from Gramps, but otherwise it was good. My one uncle who has ignored me and said negative things about me to my grandma, did not come. My cousins are all ok with me. I'm not certain about my aunt but she did use Josie on the card to me.

Medically, my attorney finally got an answer of yes to me getting back surgery. Great but now I wait for each step to get requested and approved like another MRI.
04/26/2018 bi-lateral orchiectomy

A lifetime of depression and repressed emotions is nothing more than existence. I for one want to live now not just exist!




Offline Kendra

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #67 on: December 27, 2017, 08:57:32 pm »
Josie your updated avatar is AWESOME! 

I used to receive “I miss your short hair” comments with increasing frequency and a few unkind  comments from my father.   That all stopped when I came out as transgender. 
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, BA 7/2018. 

Offline Laurie

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #68 on: December 27, 2017, 09:07:22 pm »
HI Josie,

  I agree with Kendra that is an awesome avatar picture. I am glad you had a decent Christmas with family.

 Oh about that belly fat... I am starting to think maybe I should just start wearing maternity clothes and play the part of a perpetually pregnant woman. sigh So I doubt yours is that bad.

Hugs for you Girl.
  Laurie
Hi, I'm Laurie

“Sit with me, and I'll not be alone. Hold my hand, and I'll not feel alone. Cry with me, and I'll no longer suffer alone.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich,

May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone




Offline josie76

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #69 on: December 28, 2017, 07:04:19 am »
Thanks both of you!  ;D I was not surprised by grandpa, my younger cousin went from "Jesus hair" to a man bun so I only caught a comment while standing next to him. Lol. I had my silver hoop earrings and my one helix piercing all in. My hair has not been cut since October a year ago. I think in another six months I might be where I would like it to be and get it trimmed up.

 Belly fat, well there's a whole subject matter isn't it? I am up to just under 230lbs now with all my physical limitations. My goal a year+ ago when I had been exercising, was to get down to near 170 since when I was younger and muscular I was always in the mid 170s.
When I look in a mirror sideways I think on a regular Guy's frame, my belly wouldn't be too terrible. On me though it sticks out. Visceral fat and surface fat come together. I've always had what Appearently is called lordosis of the spine. In my case I had an insurance requested doctor diagnose me that way recently. Thing is, from what other doctors have told me my lordosis is actually normal because of my sacral angle. It would be normal for a female skeleton anyway. I guess that's the downside of having always had a feminine curve to my back, belly fat sticks right out there badly in front. It is surreal though, how when I was young, I hated the way my body was shaped in the mirror. Now I feel free to appreciate how I have always been.
04/26/2018 bi-lateral orchiectomy

A lifetime of depression and repressed emotions is nothing more than existence. I for one want to live now not just exist!




Offline Cheaney

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Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #70 on: December 28, 2017, 10:25:14 pm »
I like the new avatar as well! And good news with the surgery. Hopefully it can happen in a timely manner with everything else happening at a snails pace.

And Laurie I had a nice chuckle over the perpetual pregnant woman comment!

Cheaney

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Offline josie76

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #71 on: January 18, 2018, 07:22:12 pm »
We are moved in mostly to the new house down here. I did walk my kids to school once so far. It was enough of a walk short as it was, to cause me nerve pain in my leg the rest of the day. Except for the piles of boxes and storage bins piled with misc stuff, we are doing alright all living in one house. Five females do have some issues living together but hey, its a family. My SO and myself are doing decent. Basically coexisting alright. My kids love having a backyard even with the cold winter days and a layer of snow. My mother-in-law is settling in pretty well. All together its good.

Once in a while in drivethrough with my kids I've been called mam. That's always a great way to start a day off.  :) I've been trying to figure out what to do about medical insurance. The state should eventually decide I qualify for the expanded Medicaid program. This year I could choose from 4 different insurance companies but each has their own policy coverage caviats. In IL they cannot simply exclude trans healthcare but trying to figure out if I could possibly get coverage for SRS is on my mind.  ??? ::) :P

One big positive step is my orthopedic surgeon finally got the paper approval for all surgery steps. I have a presurgical appointment for medical clearance and a date for the procedure.  :D  :icon_dance: :eusa_dance:
I can see the end of the nerve pain in sight at last! This comes none too soon. The medication I'm on (gabapentin) works to calm the nerve signals. However the side effects are growing. Loss of short term memory, muscle ticks, inability to concentrate at times, yeh not fun. Also despite being at a huge dose daily, it has been less effective on the nerve pain itself. On the negative side my spinal rehab doctor warned me that after the insurance waiting so long, its possible that the weakness in my leg and foot could be permanent. As long as the pain goes away I'll deal with the rest.


04/26/2018 bi-lateral orchiectomy

A lifetime of depression and repressed emotions is nothing more than existence. I for one want to live now not just exist!




Offline Laurie

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #72 on: January 18, 2018, 09:11:35 pm »
  Hi Josie,

  Glad you and the family are getting settled in there. The rest of what you had to say is somewhat bittersweet isn't it? I am glad to read that the surgeon got approval and you have hope of being pain free eventually. Those never meds though don't sound like fun though with the side effects. Let's hope they are minimal and reversable once you are able to discontinue them.  Hang in there girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Hi, I'm Laurie

“Sit with me, and I'll not be alone. Hold my hand, and I'll not feel alone. Cry with me, and I'll no longer suffer alone.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich,

May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone




Offline josie76

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #73 on: February 06, 2018, 06:11:38 am »
Hello everyone. I haven't been visiting the forum very regularly lately. Time does fly even when not so much fun is had.  :D

This Thursday I am finally getting back surgery. I am hopeful to be rid of this nerve pain in my leg. It's a bit scary though thinking that the doctor is going to be cutting right inside my spinal canal. I can see the finish line somewhere in the future now though.

I have avoided saying much about my relationship with my spouse after those other posts. But my relationship is my life and my transition is part of both so. Feb 14th will mark 1 full year on HRT. The fact that the only appointment that I could get to see my endo was on Valentine's Day is not lost on me. It will forever be a stained day for our relationship. At least it seems so. She still carries anger about how I came out. While that seems kind of vague I know it means because once I opened up this train was going to move at full throttle down the transition track with or without her input. Transition was something that for me had to happen. I cannot say I had control of it. I needed it so badly that it had to happen. She cannot understand it that way so I do get why she was mad. I can see why she still feels I was "selfish". I can see her reasoning but she did not live my existence so she does not see "why" it had to be for me.
Two weeks ago I drove from the new place to our farm house for my psych appointment. I was out of my antidepressants. I left thinking things were "normal" whatever that is for us. I was going to stay until midweek so I could see my counselor and go to group in St Louis. Tuesday she began sending me texts. I was told I should stay there and I could see the kids when they were not in school. Short version, to me it was so cold. It was a breakup with the addition of telling me when and how I could see my kids. To her it was just her needing space. By evening when I was telling my youngest goodnight over the phone, I was sitting on the bathroom floor using toilet tissue to wipe my tears. When we hung up I was literally lying on the cold tile bawling my heart out. A couple of more texts and I slammed my cell against the tile floor breaking it. It took me some time to recover. After sleeping a couple of hours I headed back down to the new house. I had found a pain worse than nerve pain existed. That was telling a mom she doesn't get to see her kids but on weekends. Yes I mean myself.
I have always been part of my kids lives. Yes there were trying months when I had to work very very long hours early on but I also spent many days there and many slow work months handling much of their care. With my youngest, even when work was busy, I took the later half of the night careing for her. When she came home from the hospital it was an every two hour thing. My spouse did all early night feedings and diapers and I started at midnight, 2:00, 4:00, 6:00 every single night. I would wake up right when my daughter would. I would change her and give her a bottle then put her back to sleep. I did it right on my side of the bed with light from the bathroom. I am so incredibly attached to them both.
So I drove back to the new house. I walked in the front door and my spouse was up watching tv. We talked some. In person she was at least compassionate not cold. So her reasoning: last summer when she decided to move out and go to school, I was still working. To her, the idea was the kids would be with her at a school down here, and I could have them on the weekends. To me that was not ideal but I felt so guilty for transitioning that it seemed like what I had to do. Plus it was summer vacation for the kids. We did that for a while. I started driving my pickup for some jobs just so I could get my kids some days and some days they went with me to customer sites. My company provided service truck only had a single passenger seat so I could not get both kids with it. I would stop by some days on my way back from a job down south and we would all go to dinner or hangout. Then in July I got hurt working. Everything changed. It took months before I could just stand up straight again. Walking short distances was my limit. She let me stay at her apartment. I got a little better slowly and I helped with the kids. School started and I was the one to get the kids up and drive them across town to school most days. She had her own school to attend as well. During these months I went to physical therapy and doctor appointments during the day but was around all the time. As I got better she got a used king mattress and we slept in the same bed. A couple of times we had a fight. Once I was half packed to move out. But I thought we were making progress. I was also there with my kids every single day.
So today I sleep on the bottom bunk in my older girls room at the new house. I still have clothes in my spouses room but that is it. I am now ok with it. She goes back and forth as I have been used to about us. Reaching to be closer to me then cold and distant. That part I have learned to expect. I just cannot understand how that day, no matter how much anger she was feeling toward me for being me, that she could think it was ok to tell me not to be in my kids daily lives the way she did.
Unfortunately I am left not knowing where I stand in the relationship. I am here with my kids today. That is what matters most right now.
04/26/2018 bi-lateral orchiectomy

A lifetime of depression and repressed emotions is nothing more than existence. I for one want to live now not just exist!




Offline Kendra

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #74 on: February 06, 2018, 09:38:16 am »
Josie here's a big warm hug - carefully, since I know your back is fragile. 

Regardless of how things turn out, your kids know you so well and you have been so close to them at a precious age.  Nobody can take that knowledge or those memories.  You are persistent in keeping your kids a priority - even if there is some loss of hours the time you spend together is high quality time.

Best wishes for back surgery a couple days from now.  Is difficult to not worry about surgery but the potential to reduce or eliminate pain is goodness.
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, BA 7/2018. 

Offline Laurie

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #75 on: February 06, 2018, 11:16:28 am »
Hi Josie,

  You must have known I'd been thinking of you lately wondering where and how you've been. I am pleased to read about your upcoming surgery and I'll agree with your apprehension about it but the rewards make the risk worth it. That's pretty much how I looked at my 2 cancer surgeries and the 3rd rounds  with cancer where the chance of it helping at all was only 1 in 4 and the treatment itself had the very real potential to kill me. But when faced with a certainty of dearth you grasp at anything that will give you a chance no matter how small. In my case it has helped, I am over 3 years w/o cancer and still going. The alternative would have me dead almost 3 years ago. That is why I say I live on borrowed time. Because for me it is true and I don't know what tomorrow may bring.
  So Hun, like me you pays your money and takes your chances at winning the possible rewards.
  I also understand the anguish you feel over the family problems. Losing any part of that life is devastating.You are doing your best to keep it together and yet the pain of possibly losing it is overwhelming. I know this Hun, I know it intimately. I still hurt from losing mine completely. I drove past where my daughter and grand kids live on the way to visit Kendra/Beth/Saha and on the return. I was hard to just drive by on the freeway. I want so much to drive by their home and maybe get a glimpse of at least the tow younger ones. But if I had and they saw me it would open their own pain of losing Papa and I could not have stopped to hug them again. Their father promised to poison their memory of me by telling them I just chose to walk of of their lives to live as a woman. Not anything to explain why I had to do this. OMG how the thought of that hurts, it has me in tears again now. Josie I hope it never comes to that with your girls. Don't ever let that happen to you.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Hi, I'm Laurie

“Sit with me, and I'll not be alone. Hold my hand, and I'll not feel alone. Cry with me, and I'll no longer suffer alone.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich,

May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone




Offline josie76

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #76 on: February 06, 2018, 05:03:04 pm »
Maybe as we work on trying to be friends, we will sort out what we are to each other. Sometimes I feel more lost and unsettled than others. That part is my issue I know. I have always stayed close to my family, my mom and grandparents. Feeling like all my old safeties are slipping away is tough. I was so used to my role as provider before. Now I have a hard time imagining how I ever did work so much. IDK I think I'm rambling here.

A young girl from group may have tried to OD last weekend. All I know is she was in an ICU and has come out of it. Knowing someone who has acted on those dark feelings makes those past times when I felt so desperate myself, seem so much scarier now.

Thanks for thinking of me. And Laurie, it's aweful that your daughters husband would do such a thing. Just the idea of someone causing that much pain to their own kids makes me so angry.
04/26/2018 bi-lateral orchiectomy

A lifetime of depression and repressed emotions is nothing more than existence. I for one want to live now not just exist!




Offline josie76

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #77 on: February 08, 2018, 04:56:33 pm »
Had back surgery today. I have pain but it will get better. Still need my spinal cord to swell. hopefully this is my saving grace and my leg will return to normal.

My SO was there for me all day. I don't remember much post op until I was really awake. She did say all the nurses and even my surgeon talked about me as she/her! They were all great people.
04/26/2018 bi-lateral orchiectomy

A lifetime of depression and repressed emotions is nothing more than existence. I for one want to live now not just exist!




Offline Kendra

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #78 on: February 08, 2018, 06:04:33 pm »
Josie, fingers crossed for a fast recovery and for this to finally solve or at least minimize your back pain.  And that is a nice sign your SO was there the entire time.
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, BA 7/2018. 

Offline Laurie

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Re: Life's catch 22 again
« Reply #79 on: February 08, 2018, 09:59:34 pm »
Josie,

  I am glad the surgery is done and hope it does take care of the propblems you have be having to endure. It sure didn't sound like fun at all.
  Yes, what my son in law promised he would do is a source of pain that feeds my own issues that have had me down for so many months now. It was difficult to drive through where they live only a few miles away on my way up and back from visiting Kendra/Saha/Bethany. It was so tempting to drive by there place to see if I could catch a glimpse of the two younger kids out playing. But I wouldn't put it past him and my daughter getting a restraining order if I was recognized doing it. That would only make things worse and harder for the kids and for myself. Oh hell there I go off about my problems again. Sorry.

  It was good that your SO was there to be with you for your surgery. I hope thng  get better for you Hun as you have not had life easy either. There are far too many of us with life/living issues here on Susan's but that is one of the reasons we have this place is to get and give support to/from others. Through sharing we help each other.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Hi, I'm Laurie

“Sit with me, and I'll not be alone. Hold my hand, and I'll not feel alone. Cry with me, and I'll no longer suffer alone.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich,

May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone




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