Author Topic: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness  (Read 12148 times)

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Offline Myranda

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #140 on: October 18, 2021, 11:46:01 am »
Back in August I promised I'd write more, and last night I told @Danielle that I would write more this morning.  So here I am.  I apologize it is comes across as word vomit.

This past year has just sucked, plain and simple.  Between dealing with my ex-wife over her demand to change our custody schedule, after she and her boyfriend assaulted me, to the frustrations of treating those injuries, to being stuck at home, feeling stuck and unmotivated in my job, financially stressed, compounded by my ex-wife "accidently" claiming our daughter on her taxes for 2020, preventing me from doing so, the legal bills, and medical bills, it has all jsut been a lot. 

The first orthopedist said he would refer me to a neurosurgeon and never did, even after several follow ups asking  the status of that referral. The orthopedist was more helpful, and was more methodical in his approach to treatment, as he tried to determine if my neck or shoulder was the real culprit in causing me the pain, discomfort and weakness in my arm.  After 2 injections in my neck and 2 in my shoulder, he referred me to his colleague for another consult.  The 2nd doctor thought it was more my neck, and his colleague thought it was more my shoulder.    Honestly most days I cannot tell which it is.  I'm leaning towards my shoulder being the bigger culprit, but my neck still does bother me from time to time.

And since I have been stuck at home since 2/15/2020 (over 87 weeks), a part of me feels like the walls are closing in.  I just feel so down, beat down and worn out.  As Bilbo described himself, like to little butter spread over too much bread (or something to that effect).  My concentration and focus is at an all time low, and my "Gives a ----" reserves are just about at ZERO.  And no that doesn't mean I am thinking about doing anything harmful or otherwise drastic at all, far from it.

Friday night I fell asleep on the couch with my daughter for about an hour before she putting her to bed, and then fell asleep again for another 3 and half hours or so before getting up to actually go to bed.  At which point, I lay awake in bed for a good 4 hours or so, looking at things on my phone, and became a bit manic thinking my my ex- (the Pilot Girlfriend) and how that relationship went so horribly wrong.  Truth be told my mind was at least partially there all day, after getting an email from my attorney with ex-wife's reply to a contempt complaint we filed about the aforementioned tax issue above.  Something about how my ex-wife and her attorney respond to things focused me in on my ex-pilot girlfriend.  That will be a fun conversation or two or three... with my new therapist starting Thursday.

And even as I type this my shoulder is starting to ache, and I feel the return of the cyst/knot deep in my shoulder and behind my shoulder blade that I felt when I first got hurt.

Ugh!

And while I know  money doesn't solve anything, I could really use  a small lottery win to help alleviate some of this damn stress, pay some bills and either remodel my home to a small extent, or completely change the scenery of this "prison" of the mind and/or body that are the walls of my home where I've been stuck working from for the past 87 weeks.

Ok, I'm done vomiting some semblance of words and proper grammar here.



Pammie

Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #141 on: October 18, 2021, 02:15:27 pm »
Back in August I promised I'd write more, and last night I told @Danielle that I would write more this morning.  So here I am.  I apologize it is comes across as word vomit.

This past year has just sucked, plain and simple.  Between dealing with my ex-wife over her demand to change our custody schedule, after she and her boyfriend assaulted me, to the frustrations of treating those injuries, to being stuck at home, feeling stuck and unmotivated in my job, financially stressed, compounded by my ex-wife "accidently" claiming our daughter on her taxes for 2020, preventing me from doing so, the legal bills, and medical bills, it has all jsut been a lot. 

The first orthopedist said he would refer me to a neurosurgeon and never did, even after several follow ups asking  the status of that referral. The orthopedist was more helpful, and was more methodical in his approach to treatment, as he tried to determine if my neck or shoulder was the real culprit in causing me the pain, discomfort and weakness in my arm.  After 2 injections in my neck and 2 in my shoulder, he referred me to his colleague for another consult.  The 2nd doctor thought it was more my neck, and his colleague thought it was more my shoulder.    Honestly most days I cannot tell which it is.  I'm leaning towards my shoulder being the bigger culprit, but my neck still does bother me from time to time.

And since I have been stuck at home since 2/15/2020 (over 87 weeks), a part of me feels like the walls are closing in.  I just feel so down, beat down and worn out.  As Bilbo described himself, like to little butter spread over too much bread (or something to that effect).  My concentration and focus is at an all time low, and my "Gives a ----" reserves are just about at ZERO.  And no that doesn't mean I am thinking about doing anything harmful or otherwise drastic at all, far from it.

Friday night I fell asleep on the couch with my daughter for about an hour before she putting her to bed, and then fell asleep again for another 3 and half hours or so before getting up to actually go to bed.  At which point, I lay awake in bed for a good 4 hours or so, looking at things on my phone, and became a bit manic thinking my my ex- (the Pilot Girlfriend) and how that relationship went so horribly wrong.  Truth be told my mind was at least partially there all day, after getting an email from my attorney with ex-wife's reply to a contempt complaint we filed about the aforementioned tax issue above.  Something about how my ex-wife and her attorney respond to things focused me in on my ex-pilot girlfriend.  That will be a fun conversation or two or three... with my new therapist starting Thursday.

And even as I type this my shoulder is starting to ache, and I feel the return of the cyst/knot deep in my shoulder and behind my shoulder blade that I felt when I first got hurt.

Ugh!

And while I know  money doesn't solve anything, I could really use  a small lottery win to help alleviate some of this damn stress, pay some bills and either remodel my home to a small extent, or completely change the scenery of this "prison" of the mind and/or body that are the walls of my home where I've been stuck working from for the past 87 weeks.

Ok, I'm done vomiting some semblance of words and proper grammar here.
If you don’t mind me asking what is preventing you from going out?


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Offline Myranda

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #142 on: October 18, 2021, 02:36:45 pm »
If you don’t mind me asking what is preventing you from going out?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
nothing is preventing me from going out, and I do leave the house.  But really seeing the same things day in and day out, and the lack of real social interaction with a variety of people, like we all used to pre-covid is starting to become extra noticeable.



Offline Myranda

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #143 on: October 22, 2021, 06:57:54 am »
I had a great appointment yesterday with my new "Fill-in" (?) therapist.  After I had met with them initially I sent them a fairly lengthy and pretty comprehensive chronology of the very significant events in my life that have brought me to where I am today.  They pointed out two things based upon reading it, and our conversation about it:

1) That I tend to dance around or only allude to what actually happens in regards to the really traumatic events in my life.  Meaning, I will leave out the one or two really important details that put it all into context and place in order to fully complete the picture.

2) That I have a history of "throwing grenades" into my relationship and self-sabotaging them.

When you mentioned these things we discussed how in regards to:

1) that I either did it, because I trying to protect myself from reliving parts of those traumatic events in most cases.  And in a few case, and likely the relatively minor ones, I did it because I was either tired of putting it all down on 'paper' or that I just forgot.

2) We both agreed that it could very likely be that I'm self-sabotaging to try and protect myself from being hurt or that the act of self-sabotage is coming from a place of very negative self-image/worth.

On some other important notes, while my breast development seems to be very equal, my right nipple and areola are noticeably larger, and tend to get puffier when stimulated.  Additionally, when I bring my arm across my chest, I'm definitely teasing my nipple and breast as my arm lightly brushes against it.  And finally, I am regularly noticing a definite change in my order, especially in my pubic region, it now really reminds me of a feminine scent.



Offline Myranda

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #144 on: November 12, 2021, 06:36:39 pm »
Met with another Orthopedic Surgeon this week to discuss my shoulder.  I was very impressed by the whole practice, from the Staff at the front desk, to the nurse, the Physician's Assistant and especially the Doctor/Surgeon.  The team were all very attentive and efficient.  The took my imaging and written reports and copied them into their system.  The PA and Surgeon also displayed high levels of active listening.  They actually payed attention and let me answer their questions before trying to ask their next several questions.  When I skipped steps in my nearly 2 year long history, they asked me to back up and fill in the blanks for them.  I was very impressed, and they put me at ease and showed me just how good the hands my shoulder would be in were.  I made the decision to move ahead with having it surgically repaired.  Spoke with the surgical scheduler this afternoon, and am now trying to work some family logistics so that I can get it done before the end of the year and minimize my expenses for it due to my insurance plan's maximum out of pocket expense limit for each calendar year. 

My girlfriend, (the Baker), came with me, and was a godsend, she asked the questions that I either forgot to ask or hadn't even thought to ask.

It's a bit nerve wracking though, I live alone for half the week, then I have custody of my daughter.  So taking care of my self when I am a lone is going to be a real challenge when I cannot use my arm and shoulder for the first loooong while.  Rehab could take a minimum of 3 or 4 months and up to a year of hard work and pain and tears if I want to get close to back to 100%.

In other news I have officially started to see my new fill in therapist on a regularish basis starting this week.  Of course the US Thanksgiving holiday will be getting in the way, as will my looming shoulder surgery, but it feels really good to be talking to someone about everything again.  If I continue to like working with them, and I highly suspect I will, then there is a pretty good chance I will continue to work with them after my regular therapist comes back to work.



Offline Myranda

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #145 on: November 16, 2021, 08:47:59 am »
Just a quick follow-up, my shoulder surgery is being scheduled for December 17th.



Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #146 on: November 16, 2021, 02:32:11 pm »
@Myranda
Dear Myranda:
I am so glad to see that you are keeping your blog thread updated frequently.
I am also glad to read that you are seeing your (new, fill-in) Therapist more regularly now.

Seeing your Therapist and having discussions with them, plus having your own personal Blog thread
here on the Forums is a great way to explore your feelings and to hopefully find positive ways
to continue in your journey.   Venting is good!!!!

Wow... a week before Christmas, shoulder surgery scheduled for December 17.  I am certain that
you have been informed to plan on a fairy lengthy recovery and many Physical Therapy sessions
that will help you to get back to good mobility and movement range in your shoulder.
Yes the PT can be painful, but that is the norm for recovery from your type of surgery.  If you
don't regularly do the prescribed PT exercises you may not get the final results that you are wanting.
No pain, no gain... as the old saying goes.

I was happy to read that your girlfriend (the Baker) went with you to see your  Orthopedic Surgeon ...
...and hopefully she will be assisting you before, during and after your procedure and your PT.
Depending on what your doctor says, and the medications that you take, you might not be able to
drive your vehicle for a while.

Yes, it's going to be a real challenge when you cannot use my arm and shoulder, especially taking
care of your daughter, and with all the normal activities that occur around the winter Holiday times.

Thank you for updating and sharing with me and the rest of your avid followers.
HUGS and best wishes to you!!!! 
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Myranda

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #147 on: November 18, 2021, 02:11:21 pm »
@Danielle

Yes, the doctors have mentioned a good 3-4 months, but I've been told to realistically expect much longer.

Yes my girlfriend will be staying with me for a couple of weeks, hopefully longer, if her boss plays fair with her request for an accommodation to help me out so she can work from home.

Yeah, I'm not expecting to be able to drive for a good while afterwards.  Sadly, while the week before Christmas is not ideal in terms of the holiday, it is the least bad day that they gave me.  I just hope I can get everything done that I need to before hand.  I'm a bit nervous when it comes to this winter's weather and my soon to be less than capable condition.  My luck it will be a terrible winter here.  Hopefully the few horrible storms we have had since the end of the summer have knocked all the trees down that are going to come down, and that New England's notorious Nor'Easters won't cause to much havoc, and that they only bring rain.  My luck though, suggests otherwise.

And yes, I'm really liking working with my new therapist and am having a much easier time talking to them at this stage, than I did with my other therapists.  I have a lot of work to do and am eager to start it with them.

In other news the ex-wife is being completely unreasonable, as per her normal evil self, especially at this time of year, and is prioritizing her own plans in December over our daughter and won't swap a couple of weekends with me so that I can focus on my daughter before my surgery, and on getting through the worst first few days after my surgery before I have my daughter for Christmas.  So I'm looking for a couple of plan B's and C's for those few days.



Offline Myranda

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #148 on: November 19, 2021, 01:04:30 pm »
A bit more on topic, but in keeping with updates about my recent issues, a big frustration I have right now if that I asked the surgeon about a possible need to stop my IM Estradiol Valerate and Progesterone, and they told me to talk to my prescribing physician.  So I reached out to my doctor via their patient portal and told them about my surgery and that the Orthropedic surgeon told me to check with them.  My doctor said that they wanted to  discuss with me after Thanksgiving.

Playing it safe, I have stopped both this week, skipping my injection yesterday.  So far I feel pretty normal and haven't noticed anything different. 



Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #149 on: November 19, 2021, 02:35:05 pm »
@Myranda
Dear Myranda:
In my own experience with temporarily skipping HRT meds, it seemed to me that
it took more than a day, or two, or three, or more of missed doses to start physically
feeling any different, however, my mind might have played tricks on me.  ;)

I do wish that you were able to discuss this specifically with your prescribing physician.

I trust that all goes well with your surgery procedure for your shoulder.
I hope that the stormy winter season goes easy on you while you are trying to recover.

I will continue to eagerly follow your postings and updates as you feel comfortable sharing.

HUGS and more HUGS   
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Myranda

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #150 on: November 30, 2021, 08:19:42 pm »
Spoke with my prescribing doctor yesterday about the possible need to stop my estrogen and progesterone before my shoulder surgery.  They said after talking to the director of Trans-health and doing some research, that while the data is limited, it seems to support the consensus that there is no need to stop either for this type of surgery.  They loosely likened it to the lack of a need to ask a Cis-woman to stop taking birth control.  After that discussion we discussed option, continuing with my IM injections; switching to patches, which they said is the safest since it completely bypasses the liver, or switching back to sublingual tablet.  Given my surgery, continuing with injections after wards will be a problem for at least the short term, so that is out.  My belly skin has a history of adverse reactions to prolonged exposure to adhesives on most bandages.  They mentioned that is a common problem, and that they would recommend trying to spray Flounaise on the area where the patch would go, as the steroid in it would help protect the skin from any adverse reactions, but it may not eliminate it entirely.  So after talking with them about the option, we landed on at lest temporarily switching back to my original sublingual tablet dosage and schedule.



Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #151 on: November 30, 2021, 10:32:56 pm »
@Myranda
Dear Myranda:
I am so very glad that you scheduled a visit with your prescibing doctor...
....WOW, it sounds like that you had an excellent meeting and you received some
very good news regarding your HRT regimen as it relates to your upcoming
shoulder surgery.

Thank you for sharing and posting your update.
HUGS and best wishes, stay safe and stay healthy.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Myranda

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #152 on: December 02, 2021, 07:05:15 am »
@Myranda
Dear Myranda:
I am so very glad that you scheduled a visit with your prescibing doctor...
....WOW, it sounds like that you had an excellent meeting and you received some
very good news regarding your HRT regimen as it relates to your upcoming
shoulder surgery.

Thank you for sharing and posting your update.
HUGS and best wishes, stay safe and stay healthy.
Danielle


@Danielle
Yeah it was a really great meeting with them.  At first I was a bit annoyed that they couldn't just answer he question via an email, but they clearly took time to check with their boss, and do their own research to verify the veracity of their advice.  Talking through the various options was also a huge help.


I have to say that I am a bit overwhelmed by everything I need to get done around the house and for the holidays before my surgery. I've already got a lot done, but their always seems to be something else that has to get done and the list does not seem to be getting any shorter, meanwhile the countdown is quickly approaching single digit days.



Offline Myranda

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Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #153 on: December 02, 2021, 02:29:03 pm »
Oh I forgot to mention, that while my prescribing doctor prescribed sublingual tablets, they left the decision as to whether or not to continue taking them PRIOR to my surgery up me.  I skipped my last two (including yesterday's) IM injections waiting to here back form my doctor.

I feel pretty much the same, maybe a bit more easily emotionally triggered this week, but that could also be stress as well.  I almost took my IN injection yesterday, but held off, as a part of me is saying just wait until after your surgery to be safe.  But a part of me misses it as well.  And yet another part of me, even after nearly 4 1/2 years is still scared by this whole thing.



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