Author Topic: Coming Out as Nonbinary  (Read 243 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Dani Rae

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 19
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Genderqueer Riot Grrl
Coming Out as Nonbinary
« on: August 12, 2017, 03:19:34 pm »
I know there is coming out forum, but since this is specifically about nonbinary identities, I thought it fit here. So coming out is already hard enough, but I think coming out as nonbinary is trickier. Most of my experiences have involved trying to explain the concept of gender and even being asked to justify my nonbinary identity. To be honest, most of the time when I come out I tell people that I am trans and let them make whatever assumptions they want. I know  I'm not telling my truth but it is just so much easier. So how do other people handle coming out as nonbinary? Any suggestions about doing so?

-Dani Rae
-Dani Rae

White, middle class, well-educated, physically able, genderqueer riot grrl in long term recovery from addiction just trying to live my truth.

Offline Lady Lisandra

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 48
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
Re: Coming Out as Nonbinary
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2017, 04:12:01 pm »
I first came out as trans girl. Now I'm considering that I might fit somewhere under the non binary. I dress rather androgynous, and altough I love my female identity, I don't mind people identifying me as a man, or asking wheather I'm a boy or a girl.

I never talked to anyone about this. I just act the way I feel, and people accept me. Nobody ever asked me why I use male cothes if I identify myself as a woman.

I think saying you are trans is fine. I think non binaries also fall under the trans umbrella, as it's not a polar gender, it's somewhere between, it's a transition gender. So you wouldn't be lying.
- Lis -

Offline Dani Rae

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 19
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Genderqueer Riot Grrl
Re: Coming Out as Nonbinary
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2017, 05:10:05 pm »
I didn't really mean I was lying. Not telling my whole truth is more accurate. It is generally accepted that nonbinary identities fall undet the trans umbrella and I do identity as trans as well. I just feel conflicted. Sometimes I want to share my whole truth and sometimes I just want to do what's easier.   

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I257 using Tapatalk

-Dani Rae

White, middle class, well-educated, physically able, genderqueer riot grrl in long term recovery from addiction just trying to live my truth.

Offline widdershins

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 36
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Queer
Re: Coming Out as Nonbinary
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2017, 05:25:42 pm »
There are times I just say I'm trans or FTM for the sake of convenience. I'm on HRT, so I don't consider this to be inaccurate by any stretch.

That said, I came out as non-binary at work and was actually pretty shocked by how accepting people were. The people my age and younger didn't bat an eye. I even had a couple people ask what pronouns I used. And even the older folks generally seem to grasp the idea that I'm "in between." (Though it helps that I'm in a fairly liberal workplace.)

 

Offline Dani Rae

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 19
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Genderqueer Riot Grrl
Re: Coming Out as Nonbinary
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2017, 07:58:23 pm »
I think it has as much to do with internal stuff as people's reactions. The comment about work made me think. I'm out at work. Some people kinda understand nb but everyone is accepting of me as a person. I still sometimes doubt the validity of my experience and compare myself to binary trans people. I even think of them as "normal transgender people." So its more that i have trouble consistently accepting myself. Thanks for sparking that.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I257 using Tapatalk

-Dani Rae

White, middle class, well-educated, physically able, genderqueer riot grrl in long term recovery from addiction just trying to live my truth.

Offline Aisla

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 56
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Androgyne
Re: Coming Out as Nonbinary
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2017, 12:59:05 am »
I first came out as trans girl. Now I'm considering that I might fit somewhere under the non binary. I dress rather androgynous, and altough I love my female identity, I don't mind people identifying me as a man, or asking wheather I'm a boy or a girl.

I think non binaries also fall under the trans umbrella, as it's not a polar gender, it's somewhere between, it's a transition gender. So you wouldn't be lying.

While I agree that non binary may be a transition gender for some, for many it is our destination and our truth.  Like you I really don't mind how how I am gendered as hrt has given me peace and relief from dysphoria.  Presenting as Andro has done the rest.

If folk ask, I say that I am trans and explain that I am dysphoriic and do not see myself as fitting with either the common definition of male or of  female and that I am andro with some fluidity.  That I am seeking authenticity.  That I don't see myself as limited by the binary and that my truth or my identity is that I am Aisla, nothing more and nothing less.

Safe travels

Aisla
« Last Edit: August 13, 2017, 06:37:41 pm by Aisla »

Offline markie

  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 533
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Androgyne
  • Easy does it
Re: Coming Out as Nonbinary
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2017, 07:57:51 am »
I didn't really mean I was lying. Not telling my whole truth is more accurate. It is generally accepted that nonbinary identities fall undet the trans umbrella and I do identity as trans as well. I just feel conflicted. Sometimes I want to share my whole truth and sometimes I just want to do what's easier.   

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I257 using Tapatalk
[/quote

I think I understand  what you mean I'm only starting to head towards  where you are now... It is a quandary!
For myself I think androgynous  is what I want and bow I would like people to understand  me as  I (not want to be misunderstood but at the same time it could be a considerable  effort to educate others  ...however that is important  if we ever want to visible and understood  I guess  it would  be easier to just fit the mold but it's better to break it  😉]
Lets get this party started

Offline Dani Rae

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 19
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Genderqueer Riot Grrl
Re: Coming Out as Nonbinary
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2017, 07:09:10 pm »
Markie, thanks you for mentioning visibilty. It almost seems like when I fail to come out as nonbinary I am failing the community. I feel a responsibility to try to increase visibility. So I feel guilty when I take the easier way.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I257 using Tapatalk

-Dani Rae

White, middle class, well-educated, physically able, genderqueer riot grrl in long term recovery from addiction just trying to live my truth.

Online Dena

  • (S) Global Moderator
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 11,700
  • Reputation: +94/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Coming Out as Nonbinary
« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2017, 07:44:21 pm »
Be visible only if you want to be visible. Many who fully transition go stealth and vanish into the wood work. Nothing requires you to be public and in some ways it can be healthier to blend into the population instead of stand out.
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - If you are helped by this site, consider leaving a tip in the jar at the bottom of the page or become a subscriber.
Use dena@susans.org only if you are unable to PM

Offline widdershins

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 36
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Queer
Re: Coming Out as Nonbinary
« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2017, 07:58:17 pm »
Be visible only if you want to be visible. Many who fully transition go stealth and vanish into the wood work. Nothing requires you to be public and in some ways it can be healthier to blend into the population instead of stand out.

Agreed. I'll admit that even a lot of my visibility is for selfish reasons: I do it because it's the only way people won't assume I'm a binary gender, and it's less stressful to be out than constantly misgendered.

It's noble to fight for your rights, but at the same time, it's not really something everyone is able to deal with. It's something the majority of people will never even have to deal with. For the sake of your own health and safety, you sometimes need to focus on what's best for you in the moment.

Offline Dani Rae

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 19
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Genderqueer Riot Grrl
Re: Coming Out as Nonbinary
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2017, 08:50:51 pm »
Be visible only if you want to be visible. Many who fully transition go stealth and vanish into the wood work. Nothing requires you to be public and in some ways it can be healthier to blend into the population instead of stand out.

To be perfectly honest I have some issues, both personal and philosophical, with that statement. Personally, I do not want to fit myself into another restrictive gender box. Trying to be a woman when I'm not isn't that much difference from trying to be the man I'm not. I can compromise on some areas. For example, I'm okay with she/her pronouns and I would rather be seen as a woman because it's closer to the truth. But it is not the truth. To "go stealth" and try to pass would be erase my identity, so that is not desirable. Philosophically, I think that the desire to pass is rooted in our cis-heteronormative society. If it was accepted and it was safe to be out, would there still be the desire to go stealth? I also think going stealth does nothing to change the rigid gender system that negatively affects all of us. While I respect an individual's freedom to do this, it isn't for me. I don't want to fit into the binary gender system. I want out of it.

Agreed. I'll admit that even a lot of my visibility is for selfish reasons: I do it because it's the only way people won't assume I'm a binary gender, and it's less stressful to be out than constantly misgendered.
I do not think that is a selfish reason. I see nothing selfish about wanting to have your truth seen and acknowledged. 

For the sake of your own health and safety, you sometimes need to focus on what's best for you in the moment.
Thank you for the reminder. I do tend to be bad at acknowledging my own needs. I shouldn't feel guilty for not having the time or emotional energy to educate people.
-Dani Rae

White, middle class, well-educated, physically able, genderqueer riot grrl in long term recovery from addiction just trying to live my truth.

Offline markie

  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 533
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Androgyne
  • Easy does it
Re: Coming Out as Nonbinary
« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2017, 09:16:12 am »
Well spoken,  there is the safety  of blending  in... myself theres no chance  of that so I'll..just deal with it on the fly
but I do  understand  the need to be acknowledged  as the being one is....
Lets get this party started

Tags: