Author Topic: Feeling down and hating myself  (Read 593 times)

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Offline WolfNightV4X1

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Feeling down and hating myself
« on: September 11, 2017, 10:38:36 am »
Yeah, yesterday was a bad night, it's been a culmination of a lot of things.

I guess what triggered (part of) it was watching some videos on YouTube of young transgender kids. Being a masochist I somehow chose to read the comment section, and of course it made me feel awful, what did I expect? Maybe to respond to a few of those and tell them how wrong they are

Thing is, I hear and see the same arguments against us over and over, most of which are stupid and I could respond back to with actual scientific information

"Those parents are doing it for the attention!"
"Those kids are too young to know what they're doing"
"That's a tomboy not a trans"
"Well, can I be a bird if I feel like a bird?"

And even then I find the same mean, misguided comments over and over again about trans people in general
"You were created to be what you are born as"
"Men have dicks, women have vaginas, period!
"You will never find love if you don't start acting like 'X'"
"Transgender is a mental illness!"
"They're all freaks" - I've seen this word used twice, once in an interview with Jazz, and one with my mom

I know all of this is inaccurate. I've been in biology classes and medical science since middle school, it fascinates me. I know exactly why males and females are the way they are, and  I know if transgender people do exist there's a reason. I can't help but think there's an obvious explanation people are missing out of ignorance. I know there's a reason because *I* feel different. At the same time though there's such a huge rally against it, and I'm sick of hearing about "mental illness" this and proper men and women that. Even the people in my own family will not change their minds in that.

Sometimes I HATE myself, like now. I don't know what everyone else thinks, but I know I am biologically female, that doesn't change, and I don't believe it ever will. Because of that though I feel a lot of counter to what I am. I can't help but to look into the mirror and find a dyke,a freak, a monster. Everything about the way I live is somehow counter to what I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be normal, not this. I didn't ask for this, either I should have been born with the right mindset, right body, or dead. Maybe I'm just twisted and I need to alter my thinking, but I can't bring myself to feel like what I was born as.

It's hard to feel confident even though I did a lot of research, when I know everyone is against me, I hear all those arguments in my head saying I am wrong. If I am not this, then I am nothing. Neither.

...Anyways, thanks for reading? It was a null rant but I feel so bad and  haven't been productive lately

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: Feeling down and hating myself
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2017, 01:54:51 pm »
I can't really say much to make you feel better except that you're not the only one feeling this way (though maybe that can make you feel a tiny bit better). We were born with this thing in our minds that makes us different and makes our lives harder, but if we can make it through transition I truly believe nothing will be able to stop us. Maybe that's the positive side of this.

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Offline DawnOday

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Re: Feeling down and hating myself
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2017, 02:10:32 pm »
Don't hate, love yourself.  And seek others in the same situation, as sharing stories is encouraging and reduces the angst. I keep talking about Gender Odyssey but it was so instructive, I met transmen that If I didn't know where I was, I would never suspect them as being trans. I was even envying their beards as I have never been able to grow one. All the best.
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Offline Kylo

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Re: Feeling down and hating myself
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2017, 08:50:02 pm »
I practically live in the Youtube comment sections, I spend so much time there, lol. Not on trans videos but the topic comes up fairly often regardless where I tend to hang out and discuss. About three years ago I would have said the same as you, because I rarely read the comments and considered the YT comments section the cesspool of the internet. Now I read them so often I am immune to them. These people have no idea, or else that's just their opinion, and they can't do a damn thing to me. Sometimes I drop by and ask them what in their heads. Sometimes I get an interesting conversation out of it.

The more exposure to it you get, the less you care, trust me.
"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."

Offline CosmicJoke

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Re: Feeling down and hating myself
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2017, 11:46:00 pm »
I understand what you mean about reading the comments section on Youtube when it comes to transgender people. I pretty much know better by now than to even look at the comments when it is a video with a transgender person in it.
It seems like we are just in this weird time in society where gender is such an important thing. Most people are very resistant in many respects to their own gender, which I think is alot of the reason why places like YouTube are filled with hateful comments towards transgender people.
As transgender people, we show what it means to be authentic. We show that the body you are born in does not define you.
There are plenty of people out there who are afraid of us and then there are some who are just ignorant due to the fact that they simply just don't know a transgender person in their ordinary life.
When you know a transgender person in your ordinary life as a relative or as a friend, it is easily seen that we did not choose this.

Offline LizK

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Re: Feeling down and hating myself
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2017, 04:08:25 am »
People are really brave sitting in their bedroom, with their anonymity...they can say what they like and their are no consequences...none can support their opinions with facts because they are only opinions and as my father has been heard to say....opinions are like bums everyone's got one and in most peoples cases they produce the same stuff.
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Re: Feeling down and hating myself
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2017, 05:01:49 pm »
If you read enough of the comments, you can't help absorb some of the hate, even if you know in your head that it ain't so.  That is a good enough reason not to read them.  But even avoiding the comments does not make you immune.  So you need to develop some self-talk that does improve your immunity.

So, for example, I do not believe that I was born male.  I was born trans, with male-typical genitalia.  The doctor didn't know any better when he said I was a boy, and my parents believed him, and I in turn believed them.  But they were all wrong: I was never a boy.  I am not biologically male; I am biologically trans.

2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

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Re: Feeling down and hating myself
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2017, 05:10:26 am »
If it helps, the YouTube comment section isn´t exactly the most intelligent of niches around the web.
You should see some of the comments on completely unrelated topics. People gather there to say nasty things and get out. It´s easy, it´s impersonal, and there is no need for the person commenting to actually think two seconds or experience any emotion.

Don´t pin your self-esteem on the random opinions of YouTube trolls. That´s not a good place to start ;) Instead, look at your friends and what they value about you. Look for the opinions of people who don´t waste their lives trolling a comment section.