Author Topic: Where are all the SOs?  (Read 1830 times)

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Offline Sylvia

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Where are all the SOs?
« on: September 17, 2017, 03:59:13 pm »
Surely I'm not the only one? Where do your SOs go for support? Or are they all just amazingly supportive and accepting? I'm floundering here and have no one to talk to! Help!

Offline Devlyn Marie

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2017, 04:04:05 pm »
You think we'd be flooded, right? I'm not sure everyone here would want their SO reading all their posts, though. Probably time to lay down the disclaimer that I'm lifetime single and my marriage and relationship advice shouldn't be taken seriously......yet I'm always the first to show up and offer advice!  :laugh:

My name is Devlyn. I'm on the entertainment committee.

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Offline Sylvia

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2017, 04:19:15 pm »
Hi Dev. I know my SO isn't on here - he's not a forum type! And yes, you've been great so far, much appreciated!

Offline Devlyn Marie

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2017, 04:28:12 pm »
Maybe I can help. But you've been warned about my services!  >:-)

What's going on?

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Online TonyaW

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2017, 04:43:55 pm »
Surely I'm not the only one? Where do your SOs go for support? Or are they all just amazingly supportive and accepting? I'm floundering here and have no one to talk to! Help!
My wife has an account and she is not amazingly supportive and accepting.  Don't think she has ever posted, but I think it would be great if she would talk to others in similar situation.  Hopefully she'll see this and take you up on it.

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Offline Gertrude

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2017, 07:53:24 pm »
They probably go to Helen Boyd’s (AKA Gail Kramer). Forum for SOs. Helen’s a trip.


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Online Dena

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2017, 08:02:40 pm »
Most SO's hang around here for a few months and then either divorce or find a way to live with their spouse. We see very few people here who are supporting a transitioning child. On the other hand, most of those who transition are here for a minimum of two years and normally more than that. In some cases people who transitioned a long time ago are here to talk about things that they can't talk about in their current life. We would love to have more SO members and we do our best to make them feel comfortable however we are unable to make them stay when they have what they are after.
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Offline bethanyz

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2017, 09:40:26 pm »
hi there .  i'm bethanyz.  a cis female with a MTF girlfriend.  i tend to read and lurk more than i post.  the truth is, i find it hard to respond to most of the posts i read because i feel guilty that i have such a normal existence with my relationship.  most of the topics that come up are ones that i'm completely clueless to contribute to.  i'm always willing to try though!

Online sarah1972

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2017, 09:49:19 pm »
My SO joined a local support group. We talked about her joining Susan's too but she hesitated. I suggested a different forum too which she did not join since she thought I am a member there (I am not since I know she needs her own space)
We also have a few friends she knows she can talk to.
She is mostly trying to deal with it on her own. Not easy and I hope we have finally found a good therapist for her...

Offline Sylvia

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2017, 10:06:20 am »
Thanks for the replies. Bethanyz, don't feel guilty, I am in awe! I'm finding it so hard, and I think I am currently in the 'denial' stage ie 'maybe he's not really TG, maybe it's other issues'. Clutching at straws probably. Gertrude, where do I find this site that you mention?

S

Offline gallinarosa

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2017, 10:47:34 am »
We are probably awkwardly wandering around trying to figure out where we fit in. We have become outcasts in the CIS world, but we are not part of the trans world. We are now neither gay, lesbian NOR straight. We don't feel normal, but at the same time we don't feel like there is anything out of the ordinary with ourselves. We haven't changed, but we need all new identities. Our spouses are at places like this because they are at the stage of their journey where they want to share and they want a community, so they are usually way more vocal. I sent yo a PM. You can write back when you get enough posts :)

Offline Sylvia

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2017, 11:26:07 am »
Hi Gallinarosa, I have tried to reply to your pm, but am not able to yet.

You've said it all in a nutshell.

S

Online Dena

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2017, 02:04:47 pm »
Hi Gallinarosa, I have tried to reply to your pm, but am not able to yet.

You've said it all in a nutshell.

S
There is one of the problems. At 15 posts, you will be able to PM. In addition, I have see members take the conversation to PM, email or face book thus the conversation ends here and moves elsewhere. In some ways we become a place for initial contact but not real discussion.
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Offline Lady Sarah

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2017, 04:44:27 pm »
My hubby rarely comes on here. He complained that most of the SOs are wives of MTFs, and he has nothing to talk about. It's difficult to get him to share with this community as long as he believes nothing he would share would be relevant to anybody.
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Offline Tammy Jade

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #14 on: September 18, 2017, 06:03:56 pm »
I know my SO is a member and reads quite a few of the posts, She doesn't tent to reply tho.. in fact I'm not sure but I don't think she has ever posted.. I know reading other people's experiences helped her in the beginning of my transition.


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Offline bethanyz

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #15 on: September 18, 2017, 07:19:02 pm »
@ sylvia, relationships are complicated.  good relationships take work, things like unconditional love, compatibility, and communication are very often taken for granted or discounted.  i work hard in my relationships.  sometimes too hard.  it's challenging to find the balance.  i have a tendency to be clingy.  it's definitely work to keep myself in check sometimes.  but it's drama free for the most part. 

my girlfriend is a very independent, smart and beautiful woman.  the bones of the relationship are easy because we respect each others boundaries, wants, needs and we try to be thoughtful with each other.  it's so easy to be supportive when you love and want the best for your partner(s).   

i don't think you are still in the "denial" stage.  honestly, i think you're past that now and in the "what the hell do i do now?" stage.  everything is changing, your partner is changing.  and you're questioning whether or not you can be in a relationship that doesn't fit in societies definitions.  no one can answer that but you.  but know that you aren't alone. 


Offline Debi

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #16 on: September 18, 2017, 08:59:45 pm »
Hi Sylvia, I too am a SO and there is wisdom in the posts that are tracking on this thread but it sounds like you are at that stage where your question is "who am I and how do I fit in this relationship I find myself in?" Only you can answer that question. What each of us have in common with our spouses is that we all have different motives on why we are in a relationship and how we see who we are. For me, I had the luxury of walking hand in hand with my spouse as she transitioned from the first moment she figured out that she was transgender to this moment where we are sitting in a motel room and she is healing from gender surgery. As she worked through her gender identity issues so did I. Both her issues and my own. Most of the promises we made to each other along the way we have both did 180 degree changes of heart on. I think what has kept us together is communication and sometimes that communication was hard because we did not always know what we thought about what we actually believed. Being truthful with your spouse is essential to making any relationship work. If you feel like your spouse is way ahead of you in the transitioning process (and believe me when I say that you need to "transition" also) please try to get into a good conversation about you needing to work through who you are in the relationship. Early on we both identified what we felt was critical to make our relationship work and as we have changed in our attitudes we continue to readdress that. It's a starting point. Hopefully you can work with this. If I have misread where your at and what you are looking for is answers to questions like: Does this make me a lesbian? or What do I do when someone outs my spouse? or the question everyone asks me, How are YOU doing? (as if I couldn't possibly be happy with the situation) then just post your questions and I'm sure that someone out here has an answer.
When you get to 15 posts (and me too) you can send me  a personal message, but if you are up to it, it might be good to keep it live so more folks can chime in and we all can grow together.

Debi anther SO

Offline Cora

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #17 on: October 16, 2017, 10:47:28 am »
Hi Sylvia!

My spouse told me he is trans a few months ago. When I googled support groups, another forum came up for me and I've been posting there. This website only came to my radar from other SOs at the forum I visit. I haven't really tried out more forums--I posted a little on reddit, but I don't visit that site frequently.

Mostly I feel comfortable speaking with other SO without trans spouses present because what we are going through isn't pretty. I would hate for my negative feelings to negatively impact a trans person.

But that said, if it is helpful, I will try to swing by here more! We are a small club! *hugs*

Offline Echo Feminist

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #18 on: November 09, 2017, 09:29:08 am »
While their spouses are all here trying to work through their feelings during this difficult transition, many of their spouses are on < site reference not allowed TOS 1 >. I doubt their spouses would recognize own there. There are virtually no actual trans folks there to give their conversation prospective. I worry about the way couples are splitting their support options and the fact that the split seems not to be conducive to supporting the trans spouse.

 <Edited by Moderator>
« Last Edit: November 10, 2017, 04:19:13 pm by Laurie »

Offline Sylvia

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Re: Where are all the SOs?
« Reply #19 on: November 09, 2017, 10:07:57 am »
Well I recognise the way you can't spell perspective so I think I know who you are 'over there'! I think the whole point of that forum, and to a certain extent, this sub forum is that it's a place for partners.  A place to vent, share, compare, advise and comfort. Somewhere where we can feel free to express our feelings (some of which may not be pretty) without anyone jumping down our throats with the 'if you really loved your spouse you would be supportive' argument, which I've heard so many times.
I hope the point of your post isn't specifically to try and get trans folk from here to go over there? If so, that isn't really fair.

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