Author Topic: The Stephanie Chronicles  (Read 72387 times)

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Offline LizK

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1620 on: May 21, 2018, 08:49:17 pm »

Possibly much of the sadness was caused by what I’ve written about here before: the simplicity of that former life. No worries about presentation, just throw on some clothes and go. There’s also the knowledge of the underlying pain that was always there. As I progress, presentation gets slightly easier each day, and that old pain is being actively addressed. So it gets a little better

Stephanie

I can certainly relate to this...I was in the “don’t care” camp and in fact I had a really bad reputation for not caring at all. My mother in law was always telling funny ante dotes about how little care I took with my appearance   

We all seemed to get used to that underlying pain as just a normal part of our lives. Maybe because we don’t know any better. Not caring about our appearance belied a deeper more dangerous problem that for me extended to my physical health and my need for self preservation was also not strong...Like many others I didn’t really care.

Since beginning my transition I have found I genuinely do care now and also for my general well-being.  I am glad to see that you too are able to break through to a more positive you!

Take care

Liz


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Transition Begun 25 September 2015
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Voice Surgery 01 February 2019

Offline Denni

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1621 on: May 23, 2018, 08:56:20 am »
Steph, I can relate to your posting of sitting there a year ago wearing the clothing that made you feel more comfortable, jeans, and top, but wishing for more with that sun dress. That is where I am at in my life, probably about 60% of my wardrobe now consists of womens rather than male clothing. I will do everything that I can to make that possible when I dress, I am happy for you that you have been able to take that step and able to now present as the female that you are.
I am confortable with where I am at with my transition but there is always that thought in the background of, wouldn't it be nice????????? I could see that with Tia last week during our time together, the joy of her being able to be finally free of being the male that we never understood, and finally realizing and presenting as who we have always longed to be. Hugs,  Denni

Offline Faith

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1622 on: May 24, 2018, 06:34:19 am »
Steph! I had to break my lurking streak to touch base with you. That and to remind you that I continuously read your thread.

 :icon_wave:
I left the door open, only a few came through. such is my life.


Offline steph2.0

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1623 on: May 25, 2018, 10:42:37 am »
Friends,

I’ve gotten one or two concerned messages behind the scenes so I need to make a quick post. I’m sorry for yet another neurotic entry.

I’m struggling and have had some very disturbing thoughts in the last three days or so. My therapist calls it post-transition blues, though I hardly feel like I’m anywhere near finished. Though she hasn’t given an actual diagnosis, she says the symptoms lean toward situational or even clinical depression. There are other things going on that are amplifying the sadness. There are also some things here that are triggering. It’s nothing anyone is doing, and I want to be happy for all the successes that are being posted. It’s more the way my head is seeing how well everyone else is doing in comparison. Until I can work myself out of this it seems best to me, and my therapist agrees, to take a break from the group.

I love you all and wish you all the best. I hope to come back again, hopefully sooner than later. Be well.

S


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

Offline sarah1972

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1624 on: May 25, 2018, 11:47:26 am »
Oh no, Stephanie! So sorry to hear. Big Hug!!

First I do want to let you know, I think you are still storming ahead and you have made so much incredible progress. No need to hide or feel bad.

Second - I completely understand what you are going through. I did go through the same motions since March (with some added complications). I finally figured out what is going on: The adrenalin rush from the early days of transition are simply gone and I have arrived at a plateau of "normal". No more being scared and relieved telling anyone I am trans, no more being scared and then relieved to wear a dress in public or use the ladies room. It is just all normal now (almost at least). I also know my next steps are most likely years away. Add too that the emotions of a 14-year-old and I was a total mess.

I had to add some new excitement and reflect on my accomplishments to start getting over this dark phase I had. And that is maybe the best advice I can give you: Find something new and exciting (for me it was joining a gym and slowly seeing my fitness improve). And write up all you have accomplished so far. Find a before and a now picture and compare.

I also had to accept, that "normal" is actually a really good thing. To be fair, that is more than I was hoping for. Just being a normal soccer mom.


You have new steps planned out for you! You can enjoy the "normal". You can and should take time to process all the changes and look forward to your next step.

Please reach out if you want to chat more.

Hugs and more Hugs,

Sarah


Online Alaskan Danielle

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1625 on: May 25, 2018, 04:05:23 pm »
Friends,

I’ve gotten one or two concerned messages behind the scenes so I need to make a quick post. I’m sorry for yet another neurotic entry.

I’m struggling and have had some very disturbing thoughts in the last three days or so. My therapist calls it post-transition blues, though I hardly feel like I’m anywhere near finished. Though she hasn’t given an actual diagnosis, she says the symptoms lean toward situational or even clinical depression. There are other things going on that are amplifying the sadness. There are also some things here that are triggering. It’s nothing anyone is doing, and I want to be happy for all the successes that are being posted. It’s more the way my head is seeing how well everyone else is doing in comparison. Until I can work myself out of this it seems best to me, and my therapist agrees, to take a break from the group.

I love you all and wish you all the best. I hope to come back again, hopefully sooner than later. Be well.

S

Dear Stephanie ....... oh no, so sorry to hear your latest report.   
You have so many successes and happy moments in your transition that yes, you should be happy and elated with how your journey is going and has gone.    Don't worry about other transitioner's successful experiences...  yes, you should be happy for them but you are not responsible for any of them... any of us here on the Forums....  you are only responsible for reaching and enjoying your own success in your goals.     No matter how well any of us are doing, there will always be those that are NOT doing as well as you are, and there will always be others that are apparently doing better than you are.   

Hang in there and be as positive as you can possibly be...  you have so very much to be thankful for.
Please keep your updates coming so we can be "with" you in all of this.
Thank you for posting on your thread... we are all rooting for you.

Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

Offline Kendra

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1626 on: May 25, 2018, 05:53:26 pm »
Steph we are here with you, and for you - and can understand if you need a break to absorb a whirlwind year of accomplishments.  No pressure, ever. 

And there is one thing you cannot change: you have inspired many, including me.  We each have our own fears and flaws (I certainly do) and it is so helpful to be able to see others' solutions to things in our path. 
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, GCS-2 & BA 7/2018. 

Online KathyLauren

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1627 on: May 25, 2018, 06:26:26 pm »
Stephanie, I am sorry that you are encountering a rough patch.  I will miss your posts for as long as you are away, but I understand the need to take a break.

If you need to vent, or bounce ideas off us, you know where to find us.  And if you need something more personal than a post, feel free to PM me.

Come back when you feel up to it.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS

Offline Jayne01

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1628 on: May 26, 2018, 07:14:04 pm »
Hi Steph,

Sorry for the delay in my reply, I have been away for a few days. I am so sorry to hear about the rough patch you are going through. Take all the time you need to sort through your thoughts. We will be here waiting when you are ready to return.

As always, you can contact me via PM or email at anytime should you wish to chat privately.

Take care of yourself.

Hugs,
Jayne

Offline LizK

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1629 on: May 26, 2018, 07:47:40 pm »
Friends,

I’ve gotten one or two concerned messages behind the scenes so I need to make a quick post. I’m sorry for yet another neurotic entry.

I’m struggling and have had some very disturbing thoughts in the last three days or so. My therapist calls it post-transition blues, though I hardly feel like I’m anywhere near finished. Though she hasn’t given an actual diagnosis, she says the symptoms lean toward situational or even clinical depression. There are other things going on that are amplifying the sadness. There are also some things here that are triggering. It’s nothing anyone is doing, and I want to be happy for all the successes that are being posted. It’s more the way my head is seeing how well everyone else is doing in comparison. Until I can work myself out of this it seems best to me, and my therapist agrees, to take a break from the group.

I love you all and wish you all the best. I hope to come back again, hopefully sooner than later. Be well.

S

I have been following along since your first few lively, humourous and incredibly honest posts. I have enjoyed following along with your triumphs and occasional “meltdown” and loved it all.

I have just had a few months of very little to no contact in the board. It gave me time to concentrate on my other half and deal with issues surrounding my family. It is only in the last few weeks I have been able to return with any regularity. I feel recharged and able to one again share my journey. I hope your break serves you well and we can soon be back enjoying the site again.

Good luck and take care

Liz


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Transition Begun 25 September 2015
HRT since 17 May 2016,
Fulltime from 8 March 2017,
GCS 4 December 2018
Voice Surgery 01 February 2019

Offline steph2.0

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The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1630 on: June 01, 2018, 09:31:10 am »
Hi.

It's been a bit of a personal journey to work my way back here, but I am back, and I missed you all so much. It's only been a week since I last posted, but it feels much longer.

Thank you all for your wonderfully supportive replies, both here and through personal messages. Though I wasn't really able at the time to absorb the meaning of what was said, the sentiment touched me deeply.

I was so down that some of my behavior was what I now consider to be shameful and possibly irrational, scaring and worrying my loved ones and other friends unduly. I apologize to everyone for it all. I have hopefully learned a lesson well enough that I won't let such things happen again.

As I hinted at when I took my hiatus, about 30% of my depression was due to watching all the excitement surrounding everyone else here, while I felt like I was stalled and had nothing to celebrate. Every victory and milestone and beautiful new picture posted by someone else just highlighted that nothing good was happening for me. I truly wanted to be happy for everyone, but the contrast was vivid and painful.

When I was finally able to appreciate what all of you here and in my close personal circle were telling me about recognizing how far I'd come in such a short time, I decided to go back and reread my entries from a year ago. And as you all suggested, it was a real eye-opener. I'd forgotten how much I had accomplished. Though the pace has slowed down and the adrenaline rush is mostly gone, maybe I do deserve a break to enjoy the new life I've developed. I'm trying now to appreciate it, though I've backslid and have to recover lost ground - things like self-confidence have been eroded, and it takes extra effort to walk out that door into the outside world again. But I've had some positive experiences in the last few days that are making it easier to find my way.

Above all that, though, was a serious anxiety-inducing situation that's outside what I'll discuss here. Suffice to say that that situation was about 70% of what was bothering me, and it's been a roller coaster ride that seems to be working itself out in a positive way. As it was only peripherally associated with transitioning, it is a stark reminder that regardless of all the other extreme changes in our lives, ordinary situations that all people experience can still knock you down. Transcending gender, sexual preference, or anything else we deal with here daily, we are all still people with all the normal frailties that encompasses.

Thank you to my special friends who reached out to me both here and in personal messages and emails: @sarah1972, @Alaskan Danielle, @Kendra, @KathyLauren, @Jayne01, @ElizabethK, @Laurie, @Sno, @Anne Blake, @Faith, and @SassyCassie. Also thank you to anyone else who reads this thread from the shadows (there must be a few out there, considering it's been read going on 39,000 times). Though I may not have been in a state to understand what you were telling me, the fact that you cared enough to try meant so much to me.

I have much catching up to do, both in my friend's threads and here. But for now I'll just try to impart a few lessons I've learned.

First, I was reminded just how close some friendships can become through this forum. Some have been enhanced by personal visits, but many are just through electrons and pulses of light. Souls reaching out toward each other will find a way to touch using any means available. Having a place like this to find each other is more valuable than I'm capable of expressing.

Second, I can't stress enough the value of writing down your story. Whether it's here for us all to share, or a private journal or diary, having the ability to commune with your past self can be immensely therapeutic. That was primarily responsible for pulling me out of my hole.

Finally, realize that no matter where we are in transition, everyday life throws things at us that every human has to deal with. We tend to focus so tightly on our gender journey that we don't see such things barreling at us until they hit us. In my case I ran into a situation that I never would have believed possible based on my past life, and for which I had no tools to deal with. And that's where we need to lean on those closest to us who allow us - and encourage us - to do so. Be willing to admit that you're not all-powerful and can be vulnerable, and you'll be surprised at the support that's available to you.

Thank you again to those who are still here with me. Things are getting better, and I'll be around to share more.

I love you all.

Stephanie



Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

Online Alaskan Danielle

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1631 on: June 01, 2018, 09:44:43 am »
Dear Stephanie:   YES indeed, it is wonderful to have you back on your thread.   I am glad that you have worked through many of the issues that you have been dealing with.   
I also have found many friends and like minded individuals here on the Forums that are encouraging to me when I have my "moments" as well.   This is a wonderful place to be and to share with others that understand us.

By the way... your new picture is terrific, you look great with that nice big smile and your good looking outfit that you are wearing.

I will be looking forward to seeing your updates on your thread and your comments on the various threads here on the Forums.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle 


Offline sarah1972

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1632 on: June 01, 2018, 09:49:41 am »
I am so happy you are back Stephanie and glad you are feeling a bit better :) You have been missed quite a bit. I love the picture included A pretty and confident women. Blue really looks good on you.

You are not alone in these situations, we all have such moments (remember my post delete spree a few weeks ago?).

We are always here for our friends!

Hugs!

Sarah


Online KathyLauren

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1633 on: June 01, 2018, 09:51:23 am »
Stephanie!!!  I am so glad to see you back! :icon_biggrin:

Life is a constant stream of challenges, some major and some mundane.  We get so used to our big challenges being transition-related that it is easy to forget about the rest of the world.  I am sad that life knocked you down, but I am delighted that you are on the rebound.

You have indeed come a long way in a very short time.  You are quite an amazing woman.  You can't keep up that kind of pace forever, but the reason we do this is so that we can enjoy the everyday boring stuff that other people face, as our true selves.

I love the new pic!
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS

Offline Laurie

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1634 on: June 01, 2018, 01:18:25 pm »
 Well it is about time shorty. I was about to come out there again and put you back up on the refrigerator. (w/o wine and chocolates). I was asked by several friends if I knew what was going on with you. The only way I could answer was no I didn't but I had an idea. I did not like the idea I have and it isn't any of my business. But Hun, I was very concerned. I am glad you have seized control of your trials and are feeling a bit better. I am always here for you if you want to talk. You know how to reach me.
  Like everyone else I love the picture of you and especially like that skirt. Glad you are back.

Hugs,
  Laurie
« Last Edit: June 01, 2018, 10:06:35 pm by Laurie »
Hi, I'm Laurie

“Sit with me, and I'll not be alone. Hold my hand, and I'll not feel alone. Cry with me, and I'll no longer suffer alone.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich,

May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone




Offline Kendra

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1635 on: June 01, 2018, 01:46:15 pm »
I am soooo glad to see your post.  In my opinion, no apology needed at all.  We all have our moments - myself included - and the changes we are all going through are so complex. 

Before reading your post here I had recently re-read some of my earlier posts as well, and can attest to the value of being able to go back and see ourselves at a point in time in ways no photograph can ever show.  Important moments and details we would have lost to memory if not written down.  What caused me to re-read early posts was the profound impact of a recent surgery - not a bad thing, but to gain a better understanding of the emotional changes.

Your latest photo is really really nice but yaw got the wrong angle.  To show Stephanie's back you need to turn 180.
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, GCS-2 & BA 7/2018. 

Offline Jessica

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1636 on: June 01, 2018, 02:14:15 pm »
I’m happy you found your way to posting again.  We all have our moments, irrational ideas need to be calmed down, but can sometimes snowball.  After the avalanche we climb back up, because we’ve hit as low as you can go and there is no other way but up.
I am one of the ones that reads and doesn’t always comment.  Sometimes for lack of words, sometimes due to a busy life.  I will endeavor to do better.

Hugs and smiles, Jess


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Offline Jayne01

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1637 on: June 01, 2018, 02:59:49 pm »
Hi Steph,

Welcome back. I missed you girl. Great photo and nice new profile pic!

Thinking irrationally when depressed is kind of a package deal. I am so sorry you were knocked around so hard by life. I always knew you would find your way eventually and all your friends would be here waiting for you when you returned.

I am seeing your recent struggle as a positive event in your life. You have transitioned far enough that your gender issues have moved back a little from the forefront of your mind, making space for normal life issues. That to me sounds like you’ve made it! You have become the woman you always knew yourself to be. What remains on your transition journey are a few “minor” procedures, the hard part is behind you - transitioning your mind to a healthy place. The confidence you have lost will come back to you and when it does, it will be sitting on top of a stronger foundation and won’t be so easy erode next time.

I’m proud of you and all that you have accomplished. So happy to have you back!

(((((BIG HUG)))))

Jayne

Offline davina61

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1638 on: June 01, 2018, 04:56:08 pm »
LURKER here , glad your working stuff out . looking good love .
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Offline Stevi

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1639 on: June 01, 2018, 06:33:07 pm »
Steph,

I missed you, too.  I had thought it might be just a case of a busy life with nothing particularly important to post.  Sorry to hear it was more than that.  Glad, though, that you have gotten a grip and returned to the fold.

Welcome home,
Hugs,
Stevi

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