Author Topic: The Stephanie Chronicles  (Read 65650 times)

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Online Steph2.0

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1600 on: May 17, 2018, 10:29:19 pm »
Slap her @Jayne... slap her good

I loooove yoooou tooo, Laurie Jeanette Wickwire!


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

Offline Jayne01

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1601 on: May 18, 2018, 02:04:09 am »
Slap her @Jayne... slap her good
I can’t do that, I wouldn’t want to steal away your fun. We all know how much you enjoy giving out slaps. Besides, a little birdie told me she prefers hugs to slaps, go figure!!! What can I say, she’s an odd one, but we love her.

Jayne



Laurie

Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1602 on: May 18, 2018, 02:12:40 am »
Oh all right  I'll let her get away with it this time. But if I do it too often I'll lose my MeanRotten certification.
She is kind of cute and lovable....

Online Steph2.0

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The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1603 on: May 18, 2018, 09:37:06 am »
Oh girl! You are hard to please!

You look good Stephanie!

Stephanie, you look great!

Your appearance is very feminine!

You are rocking the female aircraft mechanic look!


Is that better?

I joke around, Jayne, but it is nice to hear. You know from our back-channel communication that I have a hard time believing such things - so many people will bend the truth to make you feel good. But that doesn't mean I want you to stop. Real or not, it never hurts to be told you're doing ok.

So here I am, wishing you a great day.



I just got back from the DMV to get tags and title for Christine, the trailer from Hell, and was correctly gendered by everyone. Yays!

Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

Offline Jayne01

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1604 on: May 18, 2018, 03:32:52 pm »
I joke around, Jayne, but it is nice to hear. You know from our back-channel communication that I have a hard time believing such things - so many people will bend the truth to make you feel good. But that doesn't mean I want you to stop. Real or not, it never hurts to be told you're doing ok.

So here I am, wishing you a great day.



I just got back from the DMV to get tags and title for Christine, the trailer from Hell, and was correctly gendered by everyone. Yays!

Stephanie
Nice photo Steph. I know you joke around sweetie. We all like to have some fun. Our journeys should be enjoyed. You should also know that I won’t lie to you for the sake of a compliment. If I have something to say to you which I feel you may not like, I will tell you privately in a PM so as not to make you feel bad in public. But I will always be truthful, I take great pride in being honest with people.

Does Christine like being referred to as the trailer from hell? Maybe you should paint a little logo on her, consisting of some horns.

Take care sis,
Jayne



Online davina61

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1605 on: May 18, 2018, 03:35:25 pm »
that comes as no surprise to me BTW does the trailer mend itself over night?
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1606 on: May 18, 2018, 05:47:41 pm »
Ups and downs...

...but mostly ups this week.

On Tuesday I told the lady with the hot needle to torture just my mustache and goatee area for an hour. I estimated about 500 hairs gone, but I’m still a bit swollen.

Afterward I met up with Cassie for a Thai lunch, then headed off for the weekly trivia contest. When I walked in the table full of cis-folks welcomed me with “Hey Steph, welcome back!” (I had to miss last week to run the flying club meeting.) It felt good to be just a part of the group - even though we lost miserably.

I mentioned in a different post about my B-17 flight jacket being one of the few things I couldn’t part with. A while back I’d moved all of my old wardrobe out of my closet, but it only went as far as the closet in the guest room. I finally decided it was time that somebody else made use of those old clothes, so I sorted them out and prepared them for donation. I got pretty emotional. I should have been happy, but it felt like someone died. I was saying goodbye, and I cried as I sorted them out.

22 cargo shorts. 17 shirts. 8 pants. 3 jackets. 2 swim trunks. 2 belts. The exterior definition of a life. I could still wear almost all of it. But I won’t. It’s time to move on.

Then some good news. I passed the pencil test! My 36A’s are pretty full now!

Getting past the old clothes issue, I now need something new to wear while working in the hangar in Florida heat. Here’s one thing I came up with:



Which reminds me, time to get back to work before the boss yells at me.


 - Stephanie

Hi Steph

Let me reiterate and I am not just saying this to be nice...you look great girl!!!

The whole process of throwing the old male clothes out felt really cleansing for me. It seemed to mark a point of progress forward as well as a point of no return. All in all I have not regretted one second of doing it. I am sure you are feeling pretty good  knowing that this part of your life is over...onwards and upwards.


Well done


Did I tell you that you not only look great but so happy... :D


Take care


Liz
HRT since 17 May 2016, Fulltime from 8 March 2017, Transition Begun 25 September 2015 
GCS 4 December 2018,

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be – Lao Tzu

 0H 0M BWCA

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1607 on: May 19, 2018, 08:46:27 am »
OMG, USMC aviation means helicopters, transport, or my absolute favorite modern warbird, the A-10 Warthog. Knowing I could fly an A-10 would be the only thing that would possibly motivate me through Marines boot camp. I doubt even that would have let me survive it...

Aluminum Overcast! When EAA first got it flying I met up with it in Kalamazoo, MI, closed my eyes and handed them my credit card. Back then they’d take six people up and each would get 10 minutes in the left seat with a CFI riding shotgun. I was flying ultralights then, so I didn’t have a formal logbook, but if I had I would have had multi-engine Boeing time logged. It wasn’t too long after that that FAA said, hey, you’re not actually training, this is a joyride, no more tourists in the left seat. Now you can ride, but not fly.

Roll with that big old yoke was easy (tipping up that huge wing with those radials on it was awesome!), pitch was easy, but I had to stand all of my 145 lbs (back then) on the rudder pedals to make it yaw. I thought back to those 20-somethings who flew them in the war, and how exhausting that must have been on 10, 12, 14 hour flights in the freezing cold on oxygen at 25,000 feet - with people shooting at them!

Part of the deal was a flight jacket with the plane embroidered on the back. They were cut on the original patterns. I’m 5’5” and 150 lbs. My jacket is just a little big on me, and it’s originally an XXL. People were smaller back then.

That jacket is one of the few things from my previous wardrobe I refuse to get rid of. It’s not very feminine, but some day when I get to the point of male-fail, I’ll get a new name tag for it and start wearing it again.


 - Stephanie

Stephanie, you were correct, spent two and one half years at MCAF in Santa Ana, Ca. We had the CH-46 Chinook mediums and the H-53 Stallion, (Jolly Green's) there. That facility has since been closed along with the base at El Toro three miles away. El Toro had the fixed wings, my ultimate adrenaline buzz wish, remains to this day, to be back seat in a F-4 Phantom with a twin burner take off. Watched them many times from the end of the run way, what a rush.

My jacket from the flight remains with me today along with the picture they took of me flying from the left seat, I am envious though, you had an additional five minutes, hah. My time was cut short when we came upon a flock of pelicans over Lake Winnebago, for some reason they wanted an experienced pilot flying her then, imagine that, lol, oh well, one of the highlights I will never forget. Like you the thoughts that I had sitting there and realizing what those men went through during those bomb runs, it took an incredible amount of courage. For the men who made it to their 25th mission I cannot imagine the thoughts they had of just one more run to get through. Sorry to hear that they can no longer give the experience to others of actually flying her, though the flight alone is something to experience.

Just had the pleasure of spending two days together with a friend of yours, Tia Ann and her wife Deb. They are two of the most wonderful individuals I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Tia started HRT three months before I did, mine was 9/1/16, (new birthday), we share the same birth year and month, so yes we are the senior citizen's of Susan's. After a epic melt down yesterday I guess I am now part of the crazy old ladies club also. Hugs

Online Steph2.0

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The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1608 on: May 19, 2018, 09:12:47 am »
Nice photo Steph. I know you joke around sweetie. We all like to have some fun. Our journeys should be enjoyed. You should also know that I won’t lie to you for the sake of a compliment. If I have something to say to you which I feel you may not like, I will tell you privately in a PM so as not to make you feel bad in public. But I will always be truthful, I take great pride in being honest with people.

Thank you, Jayne. I’m trying to discipline myself to take criticism as it’s intended and not let it hurt. I’m learning to appreciate loving candor. In my old world, people would would say things that sounded mean with no empathy behind them. I’ve made so many friends now who really care, and things are so much better.

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Does Christine like being referred to as the trailer from hell? Maybe you should paint a little logo on her, consisting of some horns.





 - Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1609 on: May 19, 2018, 09:30:44 am »
that comes as no surprise to me BTW does the trailer mend itself over night?

Awww, thank you, Davina. With all the nice feedback I’m starting to feel like I’m doing ok for a 59 year old lady.

I can only wish Christine would fix herself. So far she’s cost me $600 above the buying price, and the electrical system still blows GFIs when I plug it in. But it’ll be awesome when I get it all working. Almost there.

Added bonus: it makes a nice guest house for visitors...


 - Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

Online Steph2.0

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The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1610 on: May 19, 2018, 09:54:42 am »
...my ultimate adrenaline buzz wish, remains to this day, to be back seat in a F-4 Phantom with a twin burner take off...

My jacket from the flight remains with me today along with the picture they took of me flying from the left seat, I am envious though, you had an additional five minutes, hah. My time was cut short when we came upon a flock of pelicans over Lake Winnebago, for some reason they wanted an experienced pilot flying her then, imagine that, lol, oh well, one of the highlights I will never forget...

Just had the pleasure of spending two days together with a friend of yours, Tia Ann and her wife Deb. They are two of the most wonderful individuals I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Tia started HRT three months before I did, mine was 9/1/16, (new birthday), we share the same birth year and month, so yes we are the senior citizen's of Susan's. After a epic melt down yesterday I guess I am now part of the crazy old ladies club also. Hugs

Are they really still flying the Wild Weasels? They’ve been around a long time. I imagine the only thing more awesome would be a cat shot off the deck, but that’s for the nasal radiators.

Sorry to hear your B-17 flight was cut short. Wouldn’t want to see you pull a Sully in Lake Winnebago! Birds have no respect for flight plans.

After we landed we learned that one of the passengers had been a tail gunner in the war. His family had bought him the ride and were all there. The crew let him crawl back to his old position. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

Very cool you got to hang out with Tia and Deb. I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting Deb yet, but I hope to rectify that before too long. We spent happy hours with Tia in Phoenix when we visited Kendra, and I learned so much from her about human interaction and empathy. I still call it “Channeling Tia” when I make the effort to strike up conversations with strangers. It’s not an easy thing for me, but the benefits are well worth the effort.

Sorry to hear about your meltdown. I had mine last week, and a dear friend was struggling earlier this week. It’s a too-common occurrence among those of us dealing with these issues.

Oh, while the year may be different (though not by much), we do share the same month. 9/3 for me.


 - Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1611 on: May 19, 2018, 10:42:13 am »
Let me reiterate and I am not just saying this to be nice...you look great girl!!!

Wow, thanks Liz. I really don’t know what else to say. Sometimes I’m happy with the mirror, but more often my self-esteem issues keep me from feeling good about it. All this positive feedback is heartening. Learning to love myself after half a century of the opposite is going to take a while. But I get by with a little help from my friends. (Sounds familiar somehow...)

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The whole process of throwing the old male clothes out felt really cleansing for me. It seemed to mark a point of progress forward as well as a point of no return. All in all I have not regretted one second of doing it. I am sure you are feeling pretty good  knowing that this part of your life is over...onwards and upwards.

Well done

Getting them out of my main closet was very liberating, but like a security blanket, it was comforting to know they were close by. Getting them out of my life entirely is much harder, but ultimately good for me. Some time this week I’ll never see them again.

Quote
Did I tell you that you not only look great but so happy... :D

Why yes, I do believe I’ve heard that first part before, though it never seems to get old. You may continue.

As for the second part... yes, I’m beginning to think you’re right. It’s strange the way things have progressed. I was so joyful to start HRT, find all the acceptance when I came out, get my name changed... but then the excitement slowed down and I kind of fell into a valley. Not of despair exactly, but a feeling of something lacking, of doubts, likely due to the old self-confidence issues I’ve lived with forever that had been masked by the mad rush to move forward early in the process. Now I’m slowly realizing that maybe things will be all right, and though the exuberance may be gone, what seems to be growing in its place is a kind of peace... or contentment, and maybe even a little pride.

I have so many people to thank for that. Despite struggling with their own occasional challenges, they find it in their hearts to help me, and that drives me to try to help them, too. That kind of friendship and love is just priceless.



 - Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

Offline Alaskan Danielle

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1612 on: May 19, 2018, 11:05:01 am »
snipped: 
Ups and downs...

...but mostly ups this week.
........
I mentioned in a different post about my B-17 flight jacket being one of the few things I couldn’t part with. A while back I’d moved all of my old wardrobe out of my closet, but it only went as far as the closet in the guest room. I finally decided it was time that somebody else made use of those old clothes, so I sorted them out and prepared them for donation. I got pretty emotional. I should have been happy, but it felt like someone died. I was saying goodbye, and I cried as I sorted them out.



22 cargo shorts. 17 shirts. 8 pants. 3 jackets. 2 swim trunks. 2 belts. The exterior definition of a life. I could still wear almost all of it. But I won’t. It’s time to move on.

Then some good news. I passed the pencil test! My 36A’s are pretty full now!

 - Stephanie

Stephanie, that is a big step forward for you to finally discard your old male clothes and shoes.  When I came out full-time in December 2016 and immediately quit my old male-job I got rid of everything that I had that was male specific, clothing, shoes, jewelry, etc... and then relocated to my present small town with only female attire and as a woman to start my own business.

There is a lesson here from history:

When the Spanish explorer Cortez landed in the New World with his armada of ships and men, he burnt his ships, thus giving his men a very clear message that there was no going back.

Thank you for providing all of us with you thread and your successful and  continuing story of your journey....   
I love your latest pictures too... you look absolutely beautiful and wonderfully female.
Hugs,
Danielle

Check out my Personal Threads that have more details about myself (click Links):
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Online Steph2.0

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The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1613 on: May 19, 2018, 12:17:14 pm »
“All the Girls in the Family”

My mom is a “Florida Snowbird.” For those who don’t know what that means, she spends the winter here in Florida, and summer back up north where I grew up. She’ll be leaving again soon (yes, for those of you living upside-down, our summer is just beginning). My sister also lives up north, but happened to be attending a conference in Orlando this week. We arranged to meet for dinner last night. It’s the first time we’ve ever gotten all the girls in the family together.

There was Mom, my sister, my wife, new family member @SassyCassie, me... and Mom’s hubby, of course. He may have felt a little awkward...

I wanted to make a nice impression. I wasn’t sure what the appropriate dress code was, so I texted my sister about it. She wrote back she was wearing a sundress and sandals. That was it. I wrote back, “Me too!”, and got out the sunflower dress I’d worn on Easter Sunday. I’d never worn anything quite like it in public before, and I was concerned about my shoulders, considering it’s sleeveless.

Any time I started getting nervous on the 45 minute drive, I’d give myself a little pep talk, straighten up, and take ownership of my femininity. I recited my name to myself, and remembered the kind things I’d been told recently by all my dear friends.

We met at Mom’s place (“You mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park!”), where I was misgendered by Mom only once - quickly self-corrected - then arranged transportation to the restaurant in The Villages, a humongous retirement community I’ve written about before. (It’s where I also participate on the Trivia team on Tuesdays.) I drove myself because Cassie and I have a habit of visiting Starshmucks after dinner, and nobody else was interested.

The town squares in the Villages have a lot of shops, many with dark backgrounds behind the windows, which make them excellent mirrors. And on the walk to the restaurant I marveled at the woman I saw in the flowery sundress with her hair moving in the breeze, striding confidently down the sidewalk and smiling at everyone. Her shoulders didn’t look that bad, and she sure looked happy.

I took the whole crowd to a Japanese teppanyaki steakhouse. Everything went perfectly at dinner, with good conversation, a fun show, excellent food, and correct gendering all around. Many smiles ensued.

At one point the chef made a pile of onion rings to make a little flaming volcano. Before he lit it, he asked us to make a wish. Remember my story about the shooting star? I was at a loss, and it was a joyful realization.

We wanted to get pictures, but we stepped outside into a rainstorm. We did the best we could on the little bench under the awning outside, but regretfully we never had a chance to get everyone in the same picture. I was bummed out about that later, but there will be other opportunities.


My sister, me, Mom, and Cassie. Unfortunately, Sue took the pictures and never made it into any.


I was caught with a strange look on my face, and those shoulders could use some sun, but I like this one anyhow.

After hugs and kisses, the rest of the entourage went back to the trailer park. Cassie and I were pulled - against our will, I assure you - into a Peterbrooke Chocolatier store where we ladies were give the tour and were forced to shell out hard-earned cash for things that we fought but ultimately lost against.

We then marched with our ill-gotten gains to Starshmucks to drink caffeine and enjoy, despite our best efforts, what was in that heavenly-scented bag. Conversation and sharing pictures from old photo albums on phones, and then it was time to brave the rain again and head to our respective homes.

As we huddled under the single umbrella on the way to the parking lot, I shared with Cassie the story I’ve told here before and I’ll make you sit through again: it was some time last year when Sue and I were sitting in a restaurant in this exact place. I was dressed in women’s jeans and a women’s white button-down top. Still presenting male, but trying to make myself feel better with the wardrobe. It was a warm evening, and a band was playing in the square. I watched a woman wearing a pretty sundress swaying to the music as she moved down the sidewalk, and I knew - I knew, with absolutely no doubt, that I would never be her. I held it together until we got home, then had a terrible meltdown.

Yet here I was, less than a year later. And I was her. It was too rainy for music in the square, but I was the girl in the sundress. It was a moment to pause and wonder at.

When we got to my car, an old guy pulled up in his truck. He rolled down his window and asked if we ladies had been with the group of women who had helped him and his wife with some problem they’d had earlier. If so he wanted to thank us. We had to tell him no, but we did so joyfully. He waved and was on his way. As we were shortly after.

When I got home text messages flew around reporting successful arrivals after dealing with heavy rains and traffic. And I received a big heart emoji after texting this to my sister:

I wish it hadn’t taken 50 years to understand how wonderful it is to have a sister... and to be one. Thank you.

Starting the morning with the perfectly-gendered visit to the DMV where I’d gotten my new drivers license a few months ago, and ending with a wonderful dinner followed by some quiet time with my dear friend, made it a perfect day. Even the rain couldn’t dampen my spirits.

Stephanie
« Last Edit: May 20, 2018, 07:32:19 am by Steph2.0 »


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1614 on: May 19, 2018, 02:17:17 pm »
aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1615 on: May 19, 2018, 02:19:05 pm »
Through a lot of soul searching, decisions, hard work and determination and patience... you earned today.  Every bit of it. 
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, GCS-2 & BA 7/2018. 

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1616 on: May 20, 2018, 08:57:49 pm »
Steph, while we were sitting there, enjoying our coffees and confections and sharing our old photos, I noticed something. I mentioned it to you that night, but I'd like to point this out in reference to your newfound comfort level with...you.

The old pictures from the "before" times used to make you sad. They used to make me sad too but they haven't in quite some time. I noticed it was not having that effect on you anymore and it made me smile.

I'm so thankful for you and the rest of your family who so readily adopted me back when I feared I would have none of my own, going forward. I can't even begin to say how happy that makes me, after at one point having expected to face all of the challenges ahead on my own. All of you are a huge part of my "new normal" and I love you all!

Online Steph2.0

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1617 on: May 21, 2018, 03:04:25 pm »
The old pictures from the "before" times used to make you sad. They used to make me sad too but they haven't in quite some time. I noticed it was not having that effect on you anymore and it made me smile.

I surprised myself as well sitting there. The power of the memories that those pictures dredged up seem to be fading. Maybe they’re being overwhelmed by the new memories being created every day. There are few days that go by without some sort of memorable event so there are a lot of them lately.

Possibly much of the sadness was caused by what I’ve written about here before: the simplicity of that former life. No worries about presentation, just throw on some clothes and go. There’s also the knowledge of the underlying pain that was always there. As I progress, presentation gets slightly easier each day, and that old pain is being actively addressed. So it gets a little better each day.

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I'm so thankful for you and the rest of your family who so readily adopted me back when I feared I would have none of my own, going forward. I can't even begin to say how happy that makes me, after at one point having expected to face all of the challenges ahead on my own. All of you are a huge part of my "new normal" and I love you all!

And you’re loved right back! I can’t imagine how terrible it must have felt thinking all this would have to be faced alone. I’m glad we have each other to lean on.

Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

Offline KathyLauren

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  • Casting off dull certainty
Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1618 on: May 21, 2018, 03:28:48 pm »
Possibly much of the sadness was caused by what I’ve written about here before: the simplicity of that former life. No worries about presentation, just throw on some clothes and go. There’s also the knowledge of the underlying pain that was always there. As I progress, presentation gets slightly easier each day, and that old pain is being actively addressed. So it gets a little better each day.
I think the supposed simplicity of that life may be an illusion.  You touch on that when you mention the pain that lurked in the background. 

Part of the simplicity, for me, was in fact apathy.  It was easy to just throw on some clothes when I just didn't give a damn how I looked.  And the reason I didn't give a damn was because I knew that nothing I did would make me look right.  Anything that made me look pretty was strictly prohibited.  Caring how I looked was pointless, so why bother making an effort? 

The simplicity of that life was an illusion that concealed the complex net of rules and requirements, both external and internal, that governed my life and held me trapped.  I don't feel at all nostalgic for that.  Not a bit.  Good riddance to it all. 

Yes, it takes me a minute or two before I go out to choose an outfit, and a few minutes to apply my face and hair.  But this is so much better.  I am glad it's getting better for you, too.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

Offline Anne Blake

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Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
« Reply #1619 on: May 21, 2018, 06:09:55 pm »
Kathy, as usual, you described it beautifully. The small amount of extra time putting myself together is an added bonus to not having him in the house and our lives anymore.

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