Author Topic: Dilation before intercourse?  (Read 1700 times)

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Offline Aibhilín

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Dilation before intercourse?
« on: September 21, 2017, 05:35:51 pm »

Just wondering how the you other MTF women have intercourse with men? Do you dilate first or can you just go straight for it? Wondering because I seem to be extraordinarily tight at the start of dilation and I don't feel like i'd be able to have spontaneous or 'smooth' intercourse without dilating or something prior to the event, as it were.

Any thoughts/opinions and/or experience would be greatly appreciated.

Offline ClaudiaPitCar

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2017, 12:33:42 pm »
I dont get why nobody's answering, it's an interesting question I often wonder about now that im every close to try vaginal sex with my boyfriend (as soon as I feel more comfortable with n°4 dilator)! I suppose and hope that as time and healing passes by you'll become more spontaneuos about sex but I want to hear real experience

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2017, 01:10:10 pm »
I'm pre-surgery, but I imagine this is a very individual thing.
Getting yourself mentally relaxed and the muscles relaxed is key. That might involve a decent amount of foreplay/toys,  or yes you could dilate beforehand if that makes things better. Sorry if this isn't much use!

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2017, 03:32:54 pm »
I dont get why nobody's answering, it's an interesting question

It seems pretty easy for topics to get a bit lost in many of the sub forums.
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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2017, 05:11:28 pm »
I haven't had sex yet. I would think if I where with somebody impatient, I might plan a dilation first however if they are willing to take a minute or two with the initial insertion, there would be plenty of room.
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Offline Aibhilín

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2017, 05:52:02 pm »
I dont get why nobody's answering, it's an interesting question I often wonder about now that im every close to try vaginal sex with my boyfriend (as soon as I feel more comfortable with n°4 dilator)! I suppose and hope that as time and healing passes by you'll become more spontaneuos about sex but I want to hear real experience

Yeah, I thought i'd get plenty of responses as intercourse i'd imagine is on a lot of post-ops or soon-to-be post-ops minds.

I'm pre-surgery, but I imagine this is a very individual thing.
Getting yourself mentally relaxed and the muscles relaxed is key. That might involve a decent amount of foreplay/toys,  or yes you could dilate beforehand if that makes things better. Sorry if this isn't much use!

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Any reply is better than no reply. Thanks. :)


I haven't had sex yet. I would think if I where with somebody impatient, I might plan a dilation first however if they are willing to take a minute or two with the initial insertion, there would be plenty of room.

Sounds like I need to get a bigger dilator then, because if a dude came at me (pardon the pun) with a dick, slowly or not I doubt he'd be able to enter whatsoever.

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2017, 06:06:34 pm »

Sounds like I need to get a bigger dilator then

I think we all remember that quote from Jaws.
- Ellie

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/10/17 - Presented as female in therapy!
10/20/17 - Came out to my father!
11/8/17 - Initial HRT consult!
12/8/17 - HRT issues sorted out, just waiting on meds to arrive!

Christmas songs are pretty messed up. Frosty is a sentient being with the life expectancy of a horse fly, Santa Claus watches naughty children sleep, and Rudolph is a stark depiction of undisguised bigotry. At least Baby, It's Cold Outside is pure and has absolutely, positively no negative connotations whatsoever. ... Oh, wait.

(So yeah, I totally botched my punchline and said Let it Snow originally. I'm smort.)

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2017, 10:49:37 pm »
Why don't you tell him to do with his dick what you would do with the dilator? Sex might take longer but it will be more fun :P

Offline Aibhilín

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2017, 12:23:41 am »
Why don't you tell him to do with his dick what you would do with the dilator? Sex might take longer but it will be more fun :P

Ask him to shrink in girth by an inch or so, and gain a tapered tip? xD

I have to start small. :)

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2017, 04:02:42 am »
Ask him to shrink in girth by an inch or so, and gain a tapered tip? xD

I have to start small. :)

Ah ok lol! Maybe he can be the one inserting the dildo


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Online Rachel

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2017, 11:05:38 am »
I have not had sex yet so I cannot help with the question. It is a great question though and I am interested in the answer.
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Offline JenJen

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2017, 11:06:19 am »
I have limited experience but the few times I've tried post op I did require dilation leading up to intercourse, even then it was tight and painful for me. I realize now I need to relax more, so maybe with the right partner it will be better. My partner was very patient, but I think I needed an emotional connection that wasn't there. I still have much to learn about what works for me going forward.

Offline SadieBlake

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #12 on: October 17, 2017, 12:30:59 pm »
I've posted a similar question but aimed at longer term -- can we ever get past the need for a tapered dilator as necessary foreplay?

I've had silicone-IV sex a few time now, the first time was at 5 months post op and while it's definitely getting better (I can now accommodate what I think of as a nice medium size toy) still I absolutely need to warm up with a tapered dilator. I'm making that part of foreplay for now but I'd really rather get to a place where it's optional.

I / we may get to a male-attached penis in the next couple of months and I absolutely expect to get with a male of some sort at a sex party in January.

My experience on the pushing side of PIV and PIA intercourse and with toys suggests to me that an intuitive lover can really use the combination of softness and stiffness of a penis to make penetration go easier than it usually does with silicone. At the very least it's very sensitive anatomy and the user can feel their way past tightness or resistance better than is possible with a toy (I've used strapons for thrusting a lot when I was still male equipped when dysphoria dictated). Also an erection can be made somewhat stiffer or less rigid at will by flexing so again, a caring lover can nearly always do a better job with a penis.

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Offline Aibhilín

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #13 on: October 25, 2017, 10:49:08 pm »
Wouldn't it be lovely to just feel open for once? Lol. Even dilating is a pain in the ass, if you'll pardon the pun. The vagina really doesn't feel remotely accommodating to even my smallest dilator at first. No way in hell could I take a human penis spontaneously, and that is quite a depressing thought.

Offline Sophia Sage

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #14 on: October 26, 2017, 07:53:22 am »
At about 2 to 3 months post-op, I started dilating with the intent of simulating intercourse, rather than as "dilation."  I was ready for spontaneous sex after a couple weeks, with a couple of caveats.

First, the actual technique.  Make sure you're well lubricated in advance.  Insert the dilator with some vigor, as far as it'll go the first time, which might only be an inch or two, then pull it out just as fast.  And just repeat, with each insertion getting a little bit deeper, until you bottom out.  Once you've bottomed out, keep "dilating" with the vigorous in/out motion for a couple of minutes, going all the way in and out.  Repeat with larger dilators until you're done.  If you can play with your clit while you're doing this, making it an erogenous activity, all the better!  After doing this for a couple weeks, everything got so much more relaxed down there -- the "hold it in place" technique of dilation really doesn't prepare you for intercourse.

Once I was relaxed, the only other thing I needed prior to sex was lubrication.  In my purse I'd keep a small bottle of special lube (a flavorless water-based lube with sea salt added to make it taste right) and a plastic insertion tube (like from a Monistat package), then go to the bathroom before sexy fun times.  The first few times it'd probably help to keep a small dilator with me, too, just for a quick opening before sexy fun times (again in the privacy of a bathroom), but once I was having sex regularly the only thing I've needed was lube. 
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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #15 on: October 26, 2017, 10:01:12 am »
  In my purse I'd keep a small bottle of special lube (a flavorless water-based lube with sea salt added to make it taste right)

That is an interesting idea, adding sea salt. I always feel awkward talking about this stuff, but the issue of taste has been on my mind. I've read several places though that scents and tastes (since down there does tend to sweat) produced by the effect of HRT do the job on this, was the salt just to give it that added, uhhh, not sure the word, "kick" or was it the entirety of the effect? Hopefully that question makes sense, I know it is phrased weird since this topic makes me nervous and anxiety clouds my brain. ;D
- Ellie

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/10/17 - Presented as female in therapy!
10/20/17 - Came out to my father!
11/8/17 - Initial HRT consult!
12/8/17 - HRT issues sorted out, just waiting on meds to arrive!

Christmas songs are pretty messed up. Frosty is a sentient being with the life expectancy of a horse fly, Santa Claus watches naughty children sleep, and Rudolph is a stark depiction of undisguised bigotry. At least Baby, It's Cold Outside is pure and has absolutely, positively no negative connotations whatsoever. ... Oh, wait.

(So yeah, I totally botched my punchline and said Let it Snow originally. I'm smort.)

Offline Aibhilín

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #16 on: October 26, 2017, 11:48:47 pm »
At about 2 to 3 months post-op, I started dilating with the intent of simulating intercourse, rather than as "dilation."  I was ready for spontaneous sex after a couple weeks, with a couple of caveats.

First, the actual technique.  Make sure you're well lubricated in advance.  Insert the dilator with some vigor, as far as it'll go the first time, which might only be an inch or two, then pull it out just as fast.  And just repeat, with each insertion getting a little bit deeper, until you bottom out.  Once you've bottomed out, keep "dilating" with the vigorous in/out motion for a couple of minutes, going all the way in and out.  Repeat with larger dilators until you're done.  If you can play with your clit while you're doing this, making it an erogenous activity, all the better!  After doing this for a couple weeks, everything got so much more relaxed down there -- the "hold it in place" technique of dilation really doesn't prepare you for intercourse.

Once I was relaxed, the only other thing I needed prior to sex was lubrication.  In my purse I'd keep a small bottle of special lube (a flavorless water-based lube with sea salt added to make it taste right) and a plastic insertion tube (like from a Monistat package), then go to the bathroom before sexy fun times.  The first few times it'd probably help to keep a small dilator with me, too, just for a quick opening before sexy fun times (again in the privacy of a bathroom), but once I was having sex regularly the only thing I've needed was lube.

That's very interesting. I do find that upon initial insertion of the smallest dilator it does only go in about 2 inches until I'm hit with a wall, and pain. Takes me a while to work it all the way in, which doesn't make sense to me, I always assumed a lubricated object small enough to fit in would just push passed everything, even if it was a bit uncomfortable. It was really nice to hear that you don't have to pry yourself open before sex though, it gave me a degree of hope, so thank you for that. As for the technique you mentioned, I'll have to give it a try.


Offline Sophia Sage

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #17 on: October 29, 2017, 07:59:36 am »
That is an interesting idea, adding sea salt. I always feel awkward talking about this stuff, but the issue of taste has been on my mind. I've read several places though that scents and tastes (since down there does tend to sweat) produced by the effect of HRT do the job on this, was the salt just to give it that added, uhhh, not sure the word, "kick" or was it the entirety of the effect? Hopefully that question makes sense, I know it is phrased weird since this topic makes me nervous and anxiety clouds my brain. ;D

The salt is strictly for flavor. 
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Offline pretty pauline

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #18 on: October 29, 2017, 10:20:44 am »
but once I was having sex regularly the only thing I've needed was lube.
That's correct, but does take time with the right partner, and somebody that's gentle and has patience. I'm now married over 7 years to my husband and seldom use a dilator, but always use lube to moisten up and make things easier when receiving him, we've also introducted lube in foreplay, without going into too much detail, hubby smears his hand and fingers with lube, then inserts and stimulates me and moistens me up at the same time, when I'm totally moist and relaxed I'm ready to received him, it's tighter than a cis vagina, a wow factor with some men, it's about 2 people tuned into each other, but lube is a girl's best friend, I wouldn't be without it.
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Offline Debra

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Re: Dilation before intercourse?
« Reply #19 on: November 02, 2017, 06:15:12 pm »
I dilate once a week and my hubs and I have sex 1-2x a week. Doesn't seem to matter when we have sex in relation to dilation, it's never too tight persay.

It does feel a little 'sore' if done the same day as dilation and if I skip a week it's definitely tight.