Author Topic: My Boyfriend Wants To Become A Women, I Need Advice  (Read 3820 times)

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Offline SadieBlake

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Re: My Boyfriend Wants To Become A Women, I Need Advice
« Reply #20 on: September 28, 2017, 07:57:19 am »
OP,  trans people have as much right to be kinky as everyone else and it's been my experience that many of us have more reasons to be so than your average Jane. My first experiences of dressing femme in front of others were in the context of my first bdsm relationship which also happened to be my first healthy and happy relationship. Only my domme was more surprised than I that it was soon clear there was no forcing needed and in fact if she'd told me not to explore dressing femme at that point I'd have refused.

Among the trans women I know personally, more are kinky than not of course that makes sense given I came out into the local queer bdsm scene.

Give your boyfriend time and maybe space as needed. My SO was also far less happy about transition than about kinky femme role play. In her case it had more to do with labels and internalized homophobia - my read is she actively didn't want to be identified as lesbian. That's changed, though she remains closeted about this with her family we are absolutely a lesbian couple with each partner also leaning bisexual.
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Offline bethanyz

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Re: My Boyfriend Wants To Become A Women, I Need Advice
« Reply #21 on: September 29, 2017, 08:23:42 pm »
Hi LynnSam,

i'm a cis woman with a MTF girlfriend.  and i'm here because i want to be part of the SO club.  i want to be supportive of my partner(s). i guess i have an advantage as i knew my girlfriend was trans before we started dating.  there were no shocks or surprises.  we have a good relationship, but there are things that she keeps to herself.  i respect her privacy as much as i can.  the choices that she makes about her gender are her's and her's alone.  i can't/won't attempt to make those decisions for her.  all i can do is discuss my concerns as they come up and leave the emotions to the side. 

i'm also kinky.  openly so in my everyday life.  i get approached often by men who consider themselves to be submissive that want forced feminization.  some want it because they don't have the courage to cross-dress without being forced.  others genuinely need it as a means of humiliation. i'm sure it's different for everyone. 

i agree that therapy for both of you might really be helpful.  it's so hard to sort all of this stuff out by yourself.  i wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck.

warm regards,


Offline JoanneB

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Re: My Boyfriend Wants To Become A Women, I Need Advice
« Reply #22 on: September 30, 2017, 06:53:39 am »
HappyMoni has stated some great insights.

As a (former) very closed and secretive person , there is a lot of pressure in the "Guy World" on you from birth. You learn very early on that even wondering what it might me like to be a girl is So Wrong. You try to hide those feelings, stuff them away in the deepest darkest corners of your mind. You know, absolutely, your "Guy World" will come tumbling down around you if anyone, especially a guy, even gets a whiff of you being "different". BTW, being different just for average things is adequate reason in the schoolyard for a tease or beat-down.

As others have admitted to, I also had forced feminization fantasies. "IT Wasn't Me... They MADE Me Do it"  Less Shame and Guilt. Both of them the rulers of your life. TBH - I suspect there are fair share of "on the spectrum" or otherwise males just into the kink of it. Guys brains are weird for sure when it comes to getting off. Some of the stories my wife has heard from several high end escort friends of hers in NYC are.... amazing.

Telling an SO your deepest darkest secret takes an amazing amount of strength. You know the absolute risks involved, starting with: The Earth is going to open and swallow me up. I'll be struck dead by a bolt of lightning. A meteor will land on my head.... Oh, and the SO will run off screaming into the night never to be seen again. Or, it just might take a few years as it did with me once.

My wife knew of my gender issues from about day 1. Many decades later I dropped the T-Bomb on her. It wasn't easy for her for sure. She is an avowed sexist. Has "reminded" me many many times how she likes guys. Likes what they have, How they smell. How they make her feel. Rubber doesn't do it for her. She didn't marry a woman.... Yet, her we are 8 years later, me still living and present primarily as male. And neither of us having a clue what may happen in the future.

Your needs and your wants, as hard as it is to think, are Number 1. They follow the needs and the wants of your b/f and those of "The Us". It is not like you two have an long established relationship like my wife and I of some 40 years now. Our basic personalities tend to place the others happiness as just as important, if not more so then our own. For us, "The Us" is worth preserving through the compromises we can both live with. That is working so far. But I know, if/when by bad days come too often and my want to live and present as female full-time becomes a need to... that is likely too much for her. We'll sort it out when that day comes.

What kept us together so far has been the oft times difficult totally open and honest discussions. Listening to the message, and not to the sometimes un-filtered words spoken. You are allowed not to like what is happening. This deeply affects you on so many levels.
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Offline Claire Grey

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Re: My Boyfriend Wants To Become A Women, I Need Advice
« Reply #23 on: December 27, 2017, 07:03:15 pm »
Lynn Sam --

This thread is a bit old but I just wanted to affirm as others have
that sometimes MTF trans people are into forced feminization
because it makes it easier for them to accept what they want.
As someone that is kinky, was into forced femme fantasies,
and is MTF I can say that it may be important to
distinguish fantasy and reality. If your partner wants to be forced
into being feminine it may be useful to work on distinguishing how
they prefer feeling as a fantasy that's hot vs. the kind of woman
they might want to be in the world, if that makes sense. I'm a rather assertive
MTF chick -- nothing like who I am in BDSM.