Author Topic: Grrr, why is this so complicated?  (Read 28277 times)

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Offline Jenntrans

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #40 on: November 18, 2017, 12:55:25 pm »
Well finally time for an update.  I don't particularly think may of you read this thread or care much about my life, but for the few of you who do here's some stuff that's been happening.  I will apologize for the sour note of most of this post, but I am sick and also slowly falling back into a depressive spell after the last two days events.

So a few weeks ago I was incredibly upset and posted a few times very vaguely about it.  To those of you who reached out to me, even though I did not wish to talk, thank you.  The story of that is kind of <poor> and in some ways is an excellent example of how I manage to inadvertantly make life much more difficult than it should be.

I became friends with a girl from work a few months ago.  She doesn't have many friends that she is close to and neither do I.  She is substantially younger than I at 19, but we have some similar interests.  We both have a rough past.  For whatever reason we both felt very comfortable sharing details of our pasts with each other.  It was nice to find someone I could bond with so effortlessly.  She has know from day one about my being trans.  However she sees and interacts with me comolet as a woman and has been a huge help in getting me to realize how others see me.

I told her very early about having BPD.  Also, that this means I am freaking terrible at maintaining healthy boundaries with others.  After hearing some of the things that have happened to her and how she processes things I suggested that she might also have BPD.  I still feel this is quite likely and recommended she get back into therapy.  There is just way too many similarities in these aspects between us.  I have had a bunch of extra years dealing with this and am in a much less chaotic time of life so I want to be able to offer advice and guidance to her.

Unfortunately, like most every time I get close to someone, I started to develop strong feelings for her.  Not sexual feelings, though they occasionally crop up, mostly romantic feelings.  I decided it was in everyone's best interest to address this with her.  I am incapable of acting on any of those feelings.  I suspected that she may have been developing feelings towards me as well. 

This seems to be the point where things went wrong.  I brought everything up to her.  Turns out I was correct and that she did reciprocate the feelings, to a lesser degree, but they were still there.  We discussed how we don't want anything to change about the friendship.  I had a rough night because knowing that she also felt something I got caught in a mental loop of just expecting that at some point I would <screw> everything up somehow and something would happen.  Thereby ruining my marriage and my friendship.  She got to see some of this consternation.  Unfortunately, she has a history of sexual abuse and her brain ran wild with things too.  Suddenly, I am lumped in with all of her abusers.  The next day things fell completely apart.

I spent the next few days completely heartbroken and blaming myself for screwing things up.  I never intended to hurt someone, but I did.  I never intended to get too close, but I was unable to prevent it.  Deep down I am an incredibly vulnerable person and I opened myself up to being hurt again.  We both got burned to some degree.  When I did reach out for help and advice I got <poo> on entirely.  Suddenly, I am just this creepy old <screw> preying on a young girl.  Not what happened, nor what was intended.  I have about zero control over my emotions. This is one of the unfortunate side effects of that.  I tried to be an adult about things for once and put everything out in the open and got burned for it.

I finally reached out to her to attempt to set things right.  We worked through a little bit of the misunderstandings and decided we can try to be friends.  Here's the rub.  When texting each other things seem relatively normal.  However, seeing each other in person is awkward as hell.  We both have our walls way up now.  I have no idea how to move forward and every in person interaction (all brief and at work) has ended with one or both of us upset.  I really wish we could sit down and discuss all of the misinterpretation and false assumption that our brains are doing, but I have no idea if or when that would happen.  I hate the current situation and blame myself heavily still for screwing everything up (i.e. being me).

In other news my name change will be official on Wednesday. I should be excited, but honestly, I am not.  It's pleasant to know it'll happen but I'm just dreading all the legwork to contact and change it with everyone.  My ADHD makes me particularly terrible at that kind of thing.

I had my second session of electrolysis last week.  No lidocaine this time.  It's not bad or even really painful, more uncomfortable than anything else.  Even after just 2 sessions of 4 hours the improvement is amazing.  We have focused entirely on the lip and chin.  While there are still lots of little hairs there, the thickest and darkest are gone.  This has been remarkably helpful.  I have mostly blonde facial hair.  It's not that noticeable usually, though I did have a little bit of shadow in those two areas.  That is mostly gone now.

This week I received my first letter toward GCS.  It won't be long until I get my second letter.  Then I can get my insurance to pay for genital electrolysis.  I will have to get the letters updated closer to August when my consult is.  I could have just waited until closer to then to do all of this and done the electrolysis later, but I see no real reason other than inconvenience not too do it all now.

Sorry for the incredibly long post.

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Amberwaves. All of what you wrote does not define you. Only you know who you are.

Look. I am non op and don't want to be post op. We are all different. But I will say one thing and that is to not be too hasty. I am happy with being non op and I pass pretty good.

Electrolysis on the face and other areas like are fine but beauty trends change over time. So genital electrolysis? I would stick with shaving and or shaping. In ten years it may very well indeed be normal and fashionable to have a full bush and or hairy legs and underarms. Yes it is a pain in the ass shaving but a good sort of pain in the ass though. Taking a hot bath with a glass of wine and doing what needs to be done is kind of sensual. Most cis women shave. As for the Genitals and ridding yourself of hair "down there" that can be really a sensual thing for your partner to do for you. :embarrassed:

Shaving sux and is quite a bit of work but it can also be relaxing and sensual. My BF sometimes loves to shave my legs and underarms in the bath together. As for wherever else, he loves to do that too. But you have to think like this, fashions change so hairless today maybe be hairy tomorrow so don't be to hasty on the genitals. I don't think women will ever have hairy legs or underarms again but... you never know.

As for the girl from work. Sometimes women want to be but can't be lesbian. Sometimes they don't want but are. Personally I like men. Women are different, hell I am different. I have had girlfriends in the past and as "lipstick" it seemed they always expected more than I could give. It seems they were expecting the best of both worlds but all I could provide was one. :embarrassed: I can't blame them because I like the same thing in a partner as they do. >:-) LOL I have had so many that loved the oral but when it came to the copulation, they laughed or were not pleased. So you really can't blame her for that.

Look hon, there is nothing easy about this. You are just starting to realize who and what you are. That my dear is the hardest part. Personally if I met a woman that I wanted to have a relationship with I would hope she is a MTF. Other than that I stick to men. But you have to find your own way.

But don't ever get discouraged. If you are then you are regardless of electrolysis or anything else. It isn't as much about the body but the mind. It is complicated and it is a lot of work. So put the effort in.

Seriously I have a degree in Psychology and I am skeptical of those that just now discover themselves yet I will always tell them to wait at least a year or more before they go all in. I don't make a dime off this advice that I give. I don't have a practice or even practice in a clinical sense but make for sure. I used to go back and forth when I was younger and now that I am older I don't but just in case though. It was really hard trying to be a boy with boobs but...

Seriously and personally I am so envious of Bailey Jay because she is gorgeous a few others too even Bea Armitage that has no boobs but regardless of anything else it is less about your body but more about your mind and all that goes with it. So really make for sure. I have had friends that transitioned and then detransitioned but after so much HRT or even SRS it may be too late.

Most psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist will make you jump through hoops because when they sign off on the letters it all goes back on them. They just want to make for sure. I would too.

It is not jumping through hoops but if you can live a year as a woman then I would sign a letter. It is complicated, sometimes not too comfortable and you will always be a trans woman even after SRS. So you need to make for sure because if not it may come back on them for "jumping the gun" and no professional is going to put their career on the line at least until you make them feel comfortable with your own decision. There hardest thing to do is be a trans woman or trans man. HRT won't cure it and SRS won't cure it because there will always be a transition period in which you will face being a man in women's clothing or a woman in men's clothing. So no, they are not "gatekeepers" they just want to make for sure that is what you can live with.

I know what I just said will probably get a lot of negative feedback but everyone just think about it though. I know who I am. I have faced it and even choose to be non op.

I am truly sorry if my post offended anyone. :angel:

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #41 on: November 18, 2017, 01:15:26 pm »


Amberwaves. All of what you wrote does not define you. Only you know who you are.

Look. I am non op and don't want to be post op. We are all different. But I will say one thing and that is to not be too hasty. I am happy with being non op and I pass pretty good.

Electrolysis on the face and other areas like are fine but beauty trends change over time. So genital electrolysis? I would stick with shaving and or shaping. In ten years it may very well indeed be normal and fashionable to have a full bush and or hairy legs and underarms. Yes it is a pain in the ass shaving but a good sort of pain in the ass though. Taking a hot bath with a glass of wine and doing what needs to be done is kind of sensual. Most cis women shave. As for the Genitals and ridding yourself of hair "down there" that can be really a sensual thing for your partner to do for you. :embarrassed:

Shaving sux and is quite a bit of work but it can also be relaxing and sensual. My BF sometimes loves to shave my legs and underarms in the bath together. As for wherever else, he loves to do that too. But you have to think like this, fashions change so hairless today maybe be hairy tomorrow so don't be to hasty on the genitals. I don't think women will ever have hairy legs or underarms again but... you never know.

As for the girl from work. Sometimes women want to be but can't be lesbian. Sometimes they don't want but are. Personally I like men. Women are different, hell I am different. I have had girlfriends in the past and as "lipstick" it seemed they always expected more than I could give. It seems they were expecting the best of both worlds but all I could provide was one. :embarrassed: I can't blame them because I like the same thing in a partner as they do. >:-) LOL I have had so many that loved the oral but when it came to the copulation, they laughed or were not pleased. So you really can't blame her for that.

Look hon, there is nothing easy about this. You are just starting to realize who and what you are. That my dear is the hardest part. Personally if I met a woman that I wanted to have a relationship with I would hope she is a MTF. Other than that I stick to men. But you have to find your own way.

But don't ever get discouraged. If you are then you are regardless of electrolysis or anything else. It isn't as much about the body but the mind. It is complicated and it is a lot of work. So put the effort in.

Seriously I have a degree in Psychology and I am skeptical of those that just now discover themselves yet I will always tell them to wait at least a year or more before they go all in. I don't make a dime off this advice that I give. I don't have a practice or even practice in a clinical sense but make for sure. I used to go back and forth when I was younger and now that I am older I don't but just in case though. It was really hard trying to be a boy with boobs but...

Seriously and personally I am so envious of Bailey Jay because she is gorgeous a few others too even Bea Armitage that has no boobs but regardless of anything else it is less about your body but more about your mind and all that goes with it. So really make for sure. I have had friends that transitioned and then detransitioned but after so much HRT or even SRS it may be too late.

Most psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist will make you jump through hoops because when they sign off on the letters it all goes back on them. They just want to make for sure. I would too.

It is not jumping through hoops but if you can live a year as a woman then I would sign a letter. It is complicated, sometimes not too comfortable and you will always be a trans woman even after SRS. So you need to make for sure because if not it may come back on them for "jumping the gun" and no professional is going to put their career on the line at least until you make them feel comfortable with your own decision. There hardest thing to do is be a trans woman or trans man. HRT won't cure it and SRS won't cure it because there will always be a transition period in which you will face being a man in women's clothing or a woman in men's clothing. So no, they are not "gatekeepers" they just want to make for sure that is what you can live with.

I know what I just said will probably get a lot of negative feedback but everyone just think about it though. I know who I am. I have faced it and even choose to be non op.

I am truly sorry if my post offended anyone. :angel:

I am vaguely confused by your post.  This really wasn't a post questioning myself, especially in regards to being transgender or being a woman.  You seemed to latch onto a few things I wrote and kind of ignore the rest.

I have been on HRT for 17 months.  I have been living as a woman for nearly as long (there were areas I waited a little bit longer to come out than others).  I started male failing at 3 months and according to most that I have asked have passed as a woman really well for a good while.  Yes I have struggled to internalize how the world sees me versus how I see me.  That's not really the issue though.  I have never once complained about "gatekeeping" and have only complained about jumping through hoops as in regards to my insurance.  Not sure why you focus so much of your response on that aspect.  I have spent the last decade discovering myself dealing with my psychological problems and the last two ish years my gender issues.  This is hardly a new process for me.

I failed to mention in the post that I am not trying to force someone to be a lesbian.  This girl happens to be bisexual and has experienced relationships (sexual and romantic) with both.  That's honestly problematic because if she were straight it would be much easier for my mind to reconcile that there is no need to fear screwing up.

I haven't questioned my decision to pursue GCS a whole lot in a few months.  I am comfortable knowing that it is what I want.  As far as genital electrolysis that is in preparation for GCS.  It does not extend to the entire genital area, just the future vaginoplasty site.  I have shaved that area before (I typically don't because of sensitive skin). You are correct that it makes sensation better and is a treat for intimacy.  However, that was not really what I was discussing. 

Like I said I am a little confused by your post because it appears you only read a little bit (certainly not enough to understand what I was trying to convey).  I'm not offended by anything you wrote.  I feel others voicing their thoughts can be quite valuable.  I just feel your response was rather off in nature to what preceded it.

Amber

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Offline Jenntrans

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #42 on: November 18, 2017, 02:26:24 pm »

I am vaguely confused by your post.  This really wasn't a post questioning myself, especially in regards to being transgender or being a woman.  You seemed to latch onto a few things I wrote and kind of ignore the rest.

I have been on HRT for 17 months.  I have been living as a woman for nearly as long (there were areas I waited a little bit longer to come out than others).  I started male failing at 3 months and according to most that I have asked have passed as a woman really well for a good while.  Yes I have struggled to internalize how the world sees me versus how I see me.  That's not really the issue though.  I have never once complained about "gatekeeping" and have only complained about jumping through hoops as in regards to my insurance.  Not sure why you focus so much of your response on that aspect.  I have spent the last decade discovering myself dealing with my psychological problems and the last two ish years my gender issues.  This is hardly a new process for me.

I failed to mention in the post that I am not trying to force someone to be a lesbian.  This girl happens to be bisexual and has experienced relationships (sexual and romantic) with both.  That's honestly problematic because if she were straight it would be much easier for my mind to reconcile that there is no need to fear screwing up.

I haven't questioned my decision to pursue GCS a whole lot in a few months.  I am comfortable knowing that it is what I want.  As far as genital electrolysis that is in preparation for GCS.  It does not extend to the entire genital area, just the future vaginoplasty site.  I have shaved that area before (I typically don't because of sensitive skin). You are correct that it makes sensation better and is a treat for intimacy.  However, that was not really what I was discussing. 

Like I said I am a little confused by your post because it appears you only read a little bit (certainly not enough to understand what I was trying to convey).  I'm not offended by anything you wrote.  I feel others voicing their thoughts can be quite valuable.  I just feel your response was rather off in nature to what preceded it.

Amber

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Ok so I am wrong. I can admit that. ;)

As for pubes I shave them. I did the total Brazilian on time but it was not the same sensation. Sometimes I let it grow and then shape it for my boyfriend.

The part I highlighted. There is a difference between all sexual orientations. They are just as varied as we are trans. My best friend from way back is gay. He don't like women but he likes something else but only if he is top. My boyfriend is straight. He likes women and femininity yet he does the oral thing on me. ??? I really can't explain either one of them but they like what they like and attracted to whoever and whatever they are attracted to. I think we are all like that and attracted to certain... elements of people whether it be physical or emotional. I am so attracted to my boyfriend and he claims to be so attracted to me too but, there are other men that drive me wild also but I would never tell him this just like there are other women that he is attracted to also. I am not jealous because he always comes home to me and vice versa. He likes Bailey Jay but to him it is the bangs and the dark hair and the femininity. I am not much different except for hair color and I do straighten my bangs for him when we go out. But one thing is that he does not want a "big one". In that case he likes Amy Daley. Hey I let him watch porn. All men will watch it. They will see it and so on. Women too.

So yeah. I guess I missed a lot of what you were trying to say and I am sorry. But hon, if that is you in your pic then you are trans and can pass from what I have seen.

Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #43 on: November 18, 2017, 02:52:08 pm »
Amber,
   Thank you for explaining why you were upset. I am interested and think your thread does have depth and feeling to it. It is certainly worth doing. I am sorry this relationship took such a turn. It is safer to put up walls and not let people in, but that is not a happy way  to live, I think. I hope given a little time, things will come around with her. Admitting vulnerability is hard. Letting guard down definitely lets us open to hurt, but I think we make a mistake if we think it is inevitable. Given the things you have experienced in your life, maybe it is easy to feel this way. I just fear that self fulfilling prophecy thing, where you think it will happen so you make it so. My gender surgery was a personal experiment with this for me. It was not characteristic for me to open myself up to a journey and not expect or try to prepare for the worst. I went with the experience without my mental baggage (getting to the surgery had enough of that). I went in with as much positivity as I could. Can't say it will always work, but I liked it when it did. Am hoping you are feeling better. Oh yeah, kill the vagina hair early and often, definitely.
Moni
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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #44 on: November 18, 2017, 03:08:31 pm »
Hey Amber, I'm happy that you are moving along nicely on GCS "prep"! It's always good news when those sorts of things fall into place. :)

And try not to let the relationship with the girl bring you down too much. I know it's hard, believe me I suck at relationships and agonize over every little detail, but unfortunately there is little you can do but hope she learns to see you for what you are (as in not just another of her abusers). Particularly being as young as she is, the odds are she has not had time to deal with her past abuse in a manner that allows her healthy relationships based on trust, romantic or friendships. I think that you did the right thing opening up to someone, no matter the outcome. It's so easy to stay closed off to the world, I know I tend to try to, but it's also unrewarding at best. Only by opening up and being vulnerable can you find those true relationships that are meant to be. Most importantly, you didn't screw anything up, and don't think you did. You can't control your emotions and who you have feelings for, just as she can't control her past sexual abuse which shaped her reactions to everything. And who knows, maybe the awkwardness isn't forever. Maybe you will be able to find the same connection again when things have time to process. (And frankly, I think you probably have a number of us beat on willingness to make those personal connections. ;D)

Remember: In my time here, you have shown yourself to be a sweet, caring person. And going through all of this, you have proven your strength as well. These sorts of things may honest to god, well and truly just suck at a fundamental level... but, you're trying(to build those deeper connections). That counts for a lot, a whole lot, in this world, and that is more than can be said for many, myself included.
~ Ellie
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(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!
9/08/18 - I'M IN LOVE!!!!
2/27/19 - Name Change!


Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #45 on: November 18, 2017, 05:12:58 pm »


Hey Amber, I'm happy that you are moving along nicely on GCS "prep"! It's always good news when those sorts of things fall into place. :)

And try not to let the relationship with the girl bring you down too much. I know it's hard, believe me I suck at relationships and agonize over every little detail, but unfortunately there is little you can do but hope she learns to see you for what you are (as in not just another of her abusers). Particularly being as young as she is, the odds are she has not had time to deal with her past abuse in a manner that allows her healthy relationships based on trust, romantic or friendships. I think that you did the right thing opening up to someone, no matter the outcome. It's so easy to stay closed off to the world, I know I tend to try to, but it's also unrewarding at best. Only by opening up and being vulnerable can you find those true relationships that are meant to be. Most importantly, you didn't screw anything up, and don't think you did. You can't control your emotions and who you have feelings for, just as she can't control her past sexual abuse which shaped her reactions to everything. And who knows, maybe the awkwardness isn't forever. Maybe you will be able to find the same connection again when things have time to process. (And frankly, I think you probably have a number of us beat on willingness to make those personal connections. ;D)

Remember: In my time here, you have shown yourself to be a sweet, caring person. And going through all of this, you have proven your strength as well. These sorts of things may honest to god, well and truly just suck at a fundamental level... but, you're trying(to build those deeper connections). That counts for a lot, a whole lot, in this world, and that is more than can be said for many, myself included.

Your a sweetheart Ellie.  Unfortunately, as the day has worn on I have spiraled into one of my lovely self-loathing moods. Yes things are chugging along as far transition goes. Which is nice, but I honestly feel like I should be more enthused about things.  The last few months I have been very scattered and unfocused in my life and I just need to find that spark again.

I believe you when you admit that your aren't terribly good with friendships irl either.  I do a lot of the same things and I have it.  I just called things off about trying to remain friends. It is causing both of us some serious unneeded drama.  I don't know how many times I can keep opening myself up to hurt, which is inevitable, in this case.  I have, yet again, proven myself incapable of acting like a well adjusted adult and respecting people spaces and boundaries.  Therefore it's time to throw in the towel and sulk for a bit.

I have been trying hard over the last few years to progress and become someone better than who I was.  Unfortunately, right now, I'm just tired and need to draw inward.  I can be sweet and caring, but I can also be a manipulative <poo> and a petulant child.  I sternly warn any and all about giving a damn about me because I inevitably disappoint and hurt those I get close to. The inconsistency is killing me.  I have some traits that are great and that people seem drawn to.  Unfortunately I also possess some of the worst traits too.  It's a bit of a <poo> shoot which set will be in charge at any moment. 

Medications have historically been ineffective.  I am currently in prozac, but have yet to see any results.  U should have been more form at my last visit about trying a mood stabilizer, but most of them interact with either my estrogen or my Adderall.  I am freaking rifle to providers because there is no pattern to anything and unless they get to see me in one of my moods they will have no clue how it is. I can describe things up and down, but there is no substitute for experience.

I am stuck at work tonight and all my coworkers are very confused because I am a total bitch tonight and it had nothing to do with them.  I told them that I am mad about something not related to here but it doesn't make me pleasant to deal with. It's annoying as <poo> too, because I don't care for my co-workers that are on with me tonight.  I am spending all of my spare cpu cycles dwelling on how much I hate being me. How the <poo> can you describe that to anyone?  It's very hard to not self harm.  I will succeed in that endeavor as long as things don't devolve further, but it takes most of my energy to fight back. It's just a fun time to be me. Fml.

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Offline Roll

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #46 on: November 18, 2017, 08:21:51 pm »
I understand the need to draw inward for sure, sometimes it's necessary. It's hard for many people to understand that there comes a point when all you can do is focus on recovery from something they just take for granted. (For my part I wouldn't even get to the personal relationships and would withdraw after just a few hours out in the world doing routine things. There were points when I was at my worst I'd not leave my bed and sleep for days, not wanting to deal with anything. Which honestly was still better than the times I would just eat ungodly amounts until I was sick, since that had the lasting effect.)

I truly hope you do find your spark again! I know that spark has been a driving force for me over the past few months, and I'm not sure what I would do without it. (Probably fall into more of the same that I did for the years before.  :-X)
~ Ellie
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(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!
9/08/18 - I'M IN LOVE!!!!
2/27/19 - Name Change!


Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #47 on: November 19, 2017, 05:21:56 pm »
Depression has been a lifelong companion to me.  I have definitely spent my days in bed avoiding the world.  I don't get as bad or as often these days.  Luckily, the self-loathing has muted to a dull background noise.  I was successful in not harming yesterday, though it was tenuous for a while.

Honestly, I'm just kind of sick of trying at the moment.  I don't want to be pleasant or nice.  I have lowered my expectations of having meaningful friendships with others.  I cannot control myself and respect boundaries.  For the benefit of others I am withdrawing for a while (duration unknown).

I find that I truly have a difficult time finding others who have any ability to understand me and my experiences.  The only people who seem to understand are those who have a similar <poor> life experience and are broken themselves.  This just never works well and ends in pain.  That has been one of the nicer aspects of being transgender.  Through this forum I found some who have had similar experiences as mine (at least with regard to gender).  It's comforting sometimes to know you are not an outlier.  For the most part my experiences in life have been quite isolating.  It's incredibly hard to connect with people when you are so deviant from average.

The process of transition has opened me up to emotions beyond anger and depression.  I am still not sure if this has been the brightest idea.  I locked everything away because I couldn't cope and handle it.  Now I lack the skills to be well adjusted and it's terrible to be in your mid-thirties with the emotional tolerance of an adolescent.  I have seemingly always experienced emotions more intensely than others.  Unfortunately, with my ADHD I misplaced the remote and can't turn the volume down.  Such is life sometimes.  I'll survive, doesn't mean I have to be happy about things right now.

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Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #48 on: November 21, 2017, 08:19:44 am »
Hi Ladies,

I took the time to reread what everyone wrote and what I wrote lately.  I would like to thank you girls for chiming in and being awesome.  I have a terrible habit of discounting anything positive when I am upset.  You are all lovely and supportive people and I really do appreciate the kindness.  I have been much more myself the last two days.  I am still sad about recent events but that is the nature of these things sometimes. 

I had therapy yesterday and we discussed all of this and the negative thought patterns associated with it.  I still have a lot of work to do.  I am pretty terrible about doing the legwork for it (thought records and such).  I am attempting to refocus myself on being better.  My lack of impulse control really inhibits me when strong feelings are involved.  Right now neither my friend nor I need the added drama, so I am sticking by my decision to just bow out.  If she some day wishes to work through things we will have to figure things out.  For now it's just too much.

The holiday fast approaches and I have begun preparation for the feast.  Like every year my poor planning and work schedule will make this a mad dash to the finish line.  Rest assured that I will once again pull it all together at risk of life and limb.  I can't wait until my children get older and I can make them do some of the prep work.

Moni I will admit that I do fall into the trap of self fulfilling prophecies.  I do try not to, but sometimes it happens.  I really have never been an optimist.  I am significantly less of a pessimist these days though.  I'm still working and growing.  Someday I might even be considered, gasp, normal.  Sorry for being a bit of a downer lately.  The struggles are just as worthy of being shared as the successes.  Someday maybe I'll actually believe that sentiment.  Be good ladies and enjoy turkey day.

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Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #49 on: November 24, 2017, 08:14:27 am »
Thanksgiving is over, finally.  I am not a happy freaking camper.  I've calmed down a bit since last night.  I started to type an update then, got about half way through, and realized I should wait until morning.

The last two days have been a mad dash.  From Wednesday morning until 4:30am Thursday I was cleaning or cooking.  I had 90% of the cooking prep done by that point.  I had to work at 7am.  I managed to sleep for about 30 minutes.  Got up, took a shower, put on some light eye make-up, and off to work.  I got out of there at 4 and rushed home.  My wife had to put the turkey in while I was at work.  I get home and things are not going well.  She is exhausted (having been awake and cleaning as much as me) and the house still isn't up to spec or set up for guests.  Through Herculean effort I get everything warmed, finished, and set up by 6:45 (15 minutes late).

We had less people than expected.  Two people decided not to show, or answer their phone, which is <poor> because they were supposed to bring the rolls.  Why would you insist on bringing something if you're going to skip.  I should have just made rolls too.  Big surprise, but my father did not come over.  Heaven for I'd he be forced to walk 15 feet.  That's valuable time he could be playing video games.  He said he might not come over for the meal but would make an appearance to say hi to the grandchildren.  What a crock of <poo>.  Legitimately, I hate that man and will shed no tears when he passes.

I am extremely displeased with my wife's family.  I have been out for a good long while now.  I am sick and tired of being misgendered.  I look like a woman, I'm wearing makeup and women's clothing, I have breasts, I have a girl's name, and your daughter says wife and she.  <I don't understand> a-holes with all of the he and him <poo>.  My mother's boyfriend's 9 year old daughter is more respectful.  Sara's one grandmother insisted on bringing something, so we told her should could bring an apple pie.  She ended up bringing an apple pie, a cherry pie, and a raspberry cake.  All of which she bought at the store.  There is no shortage of desert at my table. Poached quince, apple cobbler, pumpkin apple and cherry pies, mixed berry parfait.  My children helped make the apple pie/cobbler.  She is getting all passive aggressiveness about bringing stuff and nobody eating the store bought <poo>.  Legitimately, EVERY SINGLE ITEM at my table is cooked from scratch and you try to defend the the <poo> you paid for as if it's the same kind of effort and should be appreciated the same? 

I got to sit there in my own house feeling like an outsider.  I understand that nobody in her family likes me.  They didn't really even pretransition.  I will <awful> if I am going to go through hell to prepare what is easily the best meal on the block in about 24 hours with no sleep and having to work, just to have nobody appreciate it.  I honestly don't think I'm doing it next year.  We've done this for 7 years now.  I enjoy doing despite the effort.  This year was the first year I've been pissed afterwards.  I was calm and collected until after the meal and clean up.  Then I got the chance to talk with Sara about why I seemed upset.  By the end of that I was pretty much screaming on the porch about how upsetting the whole affair is. Then I put the kids to bed and fell asleep in their room without even removing my makeup.

So here I sit this morning.  Runny and ruined eye makeup, unkempt hair, still exhausted and binge eating leftovers.  Screw Thanksgiving!  It used to be my favorite holiday.

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Offline Megan.

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #50 on: November 24, 2017, 08:24:20 am »
So sorry hun,  that sounds like a lot of grief and pain .
Sending you a big hug. These family events can be tortuous. Regroup and recover, maybe people will appreciate it more if they don't get one next year. X

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Offline Roll

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #51 on: November 24, 2017, 10:32:00 am »
Aren't family gatherings the best? (Said in the most sarcastic tone, ever.  :-X) Even in the best of circumstances dealing with holiday hosting is a nightmare.

The store bought dessert routine is just infuriating. I mean... I get it, some people can't cook and they want to contribute. But why do they always get so insulted when no one eats them? My step-mother does it, though fortunately not to me yet (she's happy to pass the food responsibility off to me when coordinating here, but when she takes stuff to other gatherings that's what happens).

For a few years now, I and my step brother were sort of abandoned while everyone else went to California for Thanksgiving. If that weren't bad enough, I get a text from my dad saying, "Sitting down to a great meal, wish you were here!", all I could think was "well, then you should have invited us...". Now to go eat more brownies, because, you know, screw it.
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Offline Jenntrans

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #52 on: November 24, 2017, 01:39:51 pm »
Aren't family gatherings the best? (Said in the most sarcastic tone, ever.  :-X) Even in the best of circumstances dealing with holiday hosting is a nightmare.

The store bought dessert routine is just infuriating. I mean... I get it, some people can't cook and they want to contribute. But why do they always get so insulted when no one eats them? My step-mother does it, though fortunately not to me yet (she's happy to pass the food responsibility off to me when coordinating here, but when she takes stuff to other gatherings that's what happens).

For a few years now, I and my step brother were sort of abandoned while everyone else went to California for Thanksgiving. If that weren't bad enough, I get a text from my dad saying, "Sitting down to a great meal, wish you were here!", all I could think was "well, then you should have invited us...". Now to go eat more brownies, because, you know, screw it.

First off Roll I really can't complain about the store bought anything. Actually sometimes it is better than someone cooking. :laugh:

As for holidays, I have missed so many with family that it has become quite familiar and normal. I use the times for quiet reflection. For me it's the same with Christmas too. Usually I am surrounded by non genetic family though. But I had a good Thanksgiving but not with birth family. ??? Sometimes we do get to choose our family through ours and their choices and that makes for way more comfortable and good times than sometimes with our birth families. It will be the same for me during Christmas. I spent yesterday drinking wine and cooking with other SOs while our SOs came in and out to eat. We spent the whole day together.

Family is not restricted to genetics but rather those that accept you and love you no matter what unconditionally. I have a couple of bothers and sisters but was an only child. They come visit me regularly way more than my own family members and vice versa. For example I have a cousin that I grew up with and she and her husband and friends came to NOLA and just called me from I10 less than 20 miles away on their way to a cruise. Coming back I never heard anything from them and I let them live rent free on my land and trailer in Arkansas. My "brother" has visited me three times and has never asked for anything. So sometimes family that you are born into sux but you still have family that accept you and respect you. Susan's is a testament to this. If you would have been close to NOLA you would not have needed an invitation, just bring your butt and maybe a bottle of wine and the cheaper and the bigger the bottle the better. But I am from the south so everyone has a standing invitation. I need not to invite because if you smell something cooking then just show up with a dish to eat or something to drink. ;D

I really do love my family but aside from my mom and dad I share no genes with them but we are family nonetheless. It does suck though because a lot of genetic family will always ask, "What can you do for me?" or has been my experience anyway but real family will ask you, "What can I do to help?"

I really don't know what I am trying to say other than be yourself and be open to friendships because those friendships you forge together may be stronger than a family bond through genes.

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #53 on: November 24, 2017, 02:15:36 pm »
Screw today.  Radio silence.  Peace.

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Offline Jenntrans

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #54 on: November 24, 2017, 02:18:17 pm »
Screw today.  Radio silence.  Peace.

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Are you OK?

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #55 on: November 24, 2017, 04:45:20 pm »
Are you OK?
Short answer: no.

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Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #56 on: November 24, 2017, 07:11:25 pm »
Amber,
   Dealing with emotions and mood is very difficult for some/many people. I have had my times of withdrawal and sometimes that is what is needed. I believe it is necessary sometimes. I have tried to run the middle path many times. I try my best to limit the hi highs and the lo lows. It is just a survival skill I use. You put yourself out there for this event and the idiots trampled you in very hurtful ways. I think it makes sense to back away from that vulnerability. Next time, you might do it on your terms or not at all. My partner and I have withdrawn from so many of the 'should do's' we learned growing up. We settled on doing things our way and are a lot better off for it. Screw other people's traditions. On the emotional side, I am sorry you are hurting.
Moni
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Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #57 on: November 25, 2017, 10:28:06 pm »
Well after a day of doing literally nothing I have calmed down somewhat.  I am still incredibly angry about the holiday.  Next year I will not be making the same mistakes.  It will be a much smaller affair and only include my wife, kids, and probably my mother and her fiance and child.  I don't need those other aholes in my life.

In true bpd fashion I am completely splitting on this people.  I don't particularly care if my extreme negative reaction is justified or healthy.  My brain has now classified them all as bad people.  Fwiw they aren't particularly a big part of my life to begin with, so it's not like this is a huge deal.

Christmas is the next big holiday.  We do not host on that day and typically go to 3 different places including my wife's parents and her grandmother's.  I told her today that I will likely not be attending this year.  It's a <poor> and selfish decision that leads to nobody being happy.  I am just sick of being forced to be unhappy myself just to assuage others.

If they want to be jerks and be upset about my existence then screw them.  I did not choose to be transgender.  I merely chose to be happy by transitioning.  If they can't or won't understand that then I have no place in my reality for them.  I was telling my coworker (she knows I am trans) about how <poor> Thanksgiving was and about the he and him stuff and she just looked at me and said, but you're a she.  If my co-workers get it and treat me with more respect and basic decency than supposed family then there is a problem.

I have just been chock full of negativity and drama lately.  This is a bit of a lie.  I have always been like this.  The only difference is that I have been sharing all of the <poo> with others.  If you look back through all of my posting you find very few negative posts and updates on the non trans related aspects.  You also would find very limited posting from me.  I am a very insular person with my thoughts.  I have been sharing more of them lately.  I'm not sure if this has been a positive or negative thing.  Sorry, I don't really have a point to all of this, mostly just rambling.

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Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #58 on: November 26, 2017, 05:04:30 pm »
I really dislike feeling melancholy.  Hopefully soon I start to feel like myself again.  No particular trigger for this feeling seems to pop out at me.  I just feel off and vaguely sad.

I've decided that I am not engaging with that side of the family on Christmas.  My wife sounds like she is about ready to go on the war path.  She is such a sweetheart and cares so much for me. I really wish I was better about consistently expressing how much her support means to me.

Laurie

Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #59 on: November 26, 2017, 05:17:26 pm »
((((HUG))))

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