Author Topic: Grrr, why is this so complicated?  (Read 28092 times)

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Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #120 on: January 22, 2018, 09:10:49 pm »
This right here.  This is the reason I go silent and bottle things up. This is the reason I don't vent and share.  This is the inevitable outcome.  Other people care, but I am a s#'÷ and there is zero way to help me.  So all I do I make others upset because they care but can't help.  Which makes me feel like <poo> because I know that's a really <poor> and unfair thing to do to someone.  This is a part of the torture I've put my wife through for years.  Thank you for caring, but I'm going to shut up for a while.  I really dislike being me sometimes.  This just happens to be one of those times.

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Amber,
   I respect your need to back away. You don't make me upset in any way. Come back when you are ready.
Moni
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)
"Moni" is pronounced like "Bonnie"

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS, great repair.

]

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #121 on: January 23, 2018, 09:54:20 am »
Sorry I need to just learn to keep things to myself.  I'll probably be posting again in a few days.  Even if I'm not posting, I'm popping in and reading about all the goings on of everyone.

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Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #122 on: January 23, 2018, 11:50:33 am »
I would be sad if you felt you couldn't share. At your pace Girl, at your pace!
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)
"Moni" is pronounced like "Bonnie"

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS, great repair.

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Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #123 on: January 23, 2018, 12:43:33 pm »
I would be sad if you felt you couldn't share. At your pace Girl, at your pace!


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Offline Roll

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #124 on: January 23, 2018, 01:57:06 pm »


Your homework is to smile like that in real life too.
~ Ellie
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I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!
9/08/18 - I'M IN LOVE!!!!
2/27/19 - Name Change!


Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #125 on: January 24, 2018, 04:50:02 am »
Your homework is to smile like that in real life too.
Aww teach, I hate homework.

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Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #126 on: January 24, 2018, 09:26:30 pm »
My transgender dog ate my homework.
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)
"Moni" is pronounced like "Bonnie"

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS, great repair.

]

Offline Cassi

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #127 on: January 24, 2018, 09:56:38 pm »
My transgender dog ate my homework.

You talking about the one who's a cat inside?
HRT since 1/04/2018

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #128 on: January 25, 2018, 08:09:04 pm »
Okay, so I guess I completed my homework today.  I had a therapy session today and I got to talking about my children and she pointed out that I was smiling as I talked about them.  It's such a fun thing to go from extremely depressed to normal and back again all the time, sometimes even multiple times in the same day.  Those foul moods never last more than a couple days contiguously.  Unfortunately, my emotions can be like out of This is Spinal Tap.  "Yeah, but ours go to eleven!"

All in all today was a decent day, despite some annoyances.  I had to drive down for more electrolysis this morning.  Three hours of boredom left with my own thoughts.  I did manage to observe something interesting because of the isolation though.  I started off around 5:30 and stopped around 6 for breakfast, coffee, and gas. At that time I popped my Adderall and started off on the highway.  From the beginning of my drive at the butt crack of dawn I had been plagued by the lull of unwanted negative thoughts.  So as I drove I was mulling things over and over.  Around 7ish I noticed that the frequency/intensity of the randomly negative thoughts was diminished to a dull background noise in my head.  This coincides nicely with the onset time of the medication.

I had been wondering and somewhat upset that it hadn't done much to reduce the clutter in my brain, or so I thought.  Turns out that it does have an effect, but it's subtle and typically there is too much else going on for me to notice.  It also varies in how effectively it dulls the thoughts so it indicates that I may not be at the correct dosage yet.  Luckily my 3 month follow up is tomorrow morning so I have some new data to bring up.

Getting zapped wasn't bad.  The time passes very quickly because we talk the entire session.  The subject matter weaves all over the place as good conversation tends to do.  I got a nice compliment on my eye makeup.  I love the pallette I bought my wife for Christmas.  The colors are so vibrant.  Apparently, a tired, uncaffienated me can still do a good job.  I joked that it's a little amusing that my wife is the one who will be going to cosmetology school, but I am better with makeup than her.

All these feminine/womanly things I just took to like a fish.  I picked up makeup quickly and easily.  Having long nails and still being able to do things came naturally.  Walking in heels took pretty much no adjustment.  It really does feel like a cruel prank was played on me for my first 35 years.

While I was there I saw a few other transwomen.  I didn't really have the time or inclination to interact with any of them beyond a few short exchanges.  There is a dearth of transgender individuals in the area I live, so my interactions with them have been very limited.  Actually, being around a few for once was a very interesting experience.  Except for all the scruff on my face, due to not shaving for a few days, i finally starting to realize how lucky I have been with my results in transition.  I am always so self-conscious of my flaws.  I really have no need to be. 

I don't think it ever really sunk in how passable I am.  Even at my very first session of electrolysis the technician commented that she was very surprised that I was her patient because she thought I was a cis-woman.  Now that I am slimming down substantially I also see that I more attractive than a lot of the women I encounter daily.  <I don't understand>, mind=blown!  For whatever reason my brain decided that it wants to ignore all the homely ladies and transwomen that struggle to pass and try to compare myself to the insanely lucky ones who could be models.  Bad brain!  Stop making me feel bad!

I have seen plenty of the photos of many of you ladies here and on <another forum> and a few other places.  I never stopped to think about how the camera loves some people and the quality of the photos are much higher.  In my case the camera has never seemed to like me much and does not do me justice compared to reality.  So like everything else, it seems, my perception of reality is incredibly skewed.  Sorry if this all seems kind of bragging.  I am not trying to, but it's so peculiar to me to reconcile all this that I am just throwing it out there as my experience.

I would like to thank all of you fine people who have been so supportive.  I know that I am extremely difficult sometimes and nothing anyone can say send to help.  I am trying to get better.  It's just so frickin hard to change when these negative patterns have intertwined themselves into the very fabric of your being.  I'll get there eventually, probably kicking and screaming the whole way.  I do appreciate all the support, even if I don't seem like it at the time.

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Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #129 on: January 25, 2018, 09:05:36 pm »
Good to hear you sounding so positive. I don't think anyone is giving up on you.  :)
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)
"Moni" is pronounced like "Bonnie"

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS, great repair.

]

Offline Roll

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #130 on: January 25, 2018, 09:09:49 pm »
This is going to be great for the next fan club/cult newsletter!

Also, I know what you mean about cameras. I look in the mirror and am fine when I'm dressed. I try to take a selfie, it just... ugh. Occasionally I'll get one I like okay like my profile pic, but most just aren't what I look like at all, and it's frustrating.
~ Ellie
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■
I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!
9/08/18 - I'M IN LOVE!!!!
2/27/19 - Name Change!


Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #131 on: January 25, 2018, 10:52:00 pm »


I don't think anyone is giving up on you.  :)

They better not be, if anyone is going to give up on me it's gonna be me gosh darn it!  I am way to competitive to let someone else win

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Offline Cassi

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #132 on: January 25, 2018, 11:04:46 pm »
 :icon_archery: :icon_archery: :icon_archery: :icon_archery: :icon_archery: :icon_birthday: :icon_bumdance-nerd: :icon_bumdance-nerd: :icon_bumdance-nerd: :icon_bumdance-nerd: :icon_joy: :icon_joy: :icon_joy: :icon_joy:
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Laurie

Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #133 on: January 25, 2018, 11:34:41 pm »
Hi Amber,

  I was glad to read your update. Like your morning it started off a bit rocky but got better as it went along. The part of your looks comes as no surprise to me. I was impressed by then when I met you it was not apparent to me then that you are trans. I can only assume you look better now.
  I cannot read all the posts I want to in a day especially when I have appointments so I miss some of your posts but I do read them when I do get to your thread. I am not being chased away by your moods so you might as well quit trying. I'm not going anywhere.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #134 on: January 26, 2018, 09:42:04 am »


The part of your looks comes as no surprise to me. I was impressed by then when I met you it was not apparent to me then that you are trans. I can only assume you look better now.

Thank you Laurie.  It's nice to have someone back me up on a statement like that.  I dunno it just seems so arrogant and like braggadocio.  My brain just doesn't want to accept it most of the time.  In part it's because I started at 35 and the only ones who get that level of results it seems are the ones who start in their teens/early 20's.  I don't really put any effort into presentation or mannerisms, but seem to be just fine.  I don't even wear makeup most days and no one bats an eye.  It just seems very unfair for others who struggle.  My dysphoria was super mega bad because it's always been overshadowed by my other mental problems, but I see women who struggle so much with it despite possibly never passing.  I dunno, my brain just doesn't seem to accept good things happening for me I guess.

I do look significantly better since you visited all those months ago.  Dropped about 40 pounds to reveal a nice curvy figure.  Added another cup size or so.  Continued subtle changes to the face and some work towards hair removal.  Some new clothes and just more at ease about myself in general.

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Laurie

Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #135 on: January 26, 2018, 10:33:38 am »

 my brain just doesn't seem to accept good things _______ me.

I do look significantly better since you visited all those months ago.  Dropped about 40 pounds to reveal a nice curvy figure.  Added another cup size or so.  Continued subtle changes to the face and some work towards hair removal.  Some new clothes and just more at ease about myself in general.


  Hi again,
 
  I shortened up the first line above to make it a bit more encompassing for me. You can fill in the blank with a lot of words, such as  about, within, because of, happening to, well you get the idea. The first two are my personal favorites I have to contend with. And the third one is really difficult too. So I do understand what you are saying, Amber. But, you know something, others that we interact with can easily see things we cannot. Sometimes we just have to take their word for it and continue on. In time maybe, we can come to believe what they see ourselves.
  I don't doubt you look better now Amber. 40 lbs is a significant amount to shed. Curves are nice and ctothes definitely help especially when going outside. I wish I could say that about myself but I have figured out wishing won't make it happen especially since I have this love affair going on with food. You aren't the only one with changes though. I doubt I'll ever be  blessed with bazooms the size I'd like to see, but I have added enough to be happy enough with them.

 Perhaps we'll meet again and we can compare the changes in person.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Offline Roll

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #136 on: January 26, 2018, 12:53:10 pm »

Thank you Laurie.  It's nice to have someone back me up on a statement like that.  I dunno it just seems so arrogant and like braggadocio.  My brain just doesn't want to accept it most of the time.  In part it's because I started at 35 and the only ones who get that level of results it seems are the ones who start in their teens/early 20's.  I don't really put any effort into presentation or mannerisms, but seem to be just fine.  I don't even wear makeup most days and no one bats an eye.  It just seems very unfair for others who struggle.  My dysphoria was super mega bad because it's always been overshadowed by my other mental problems, but I see women who struggle so much with it despite possibly never passing.  I dunno, my brain just doesn't seem to accept good things happening for me I guess.

I do look significantly better since you visited all those months ago.  Dropped about 40 pounds to reveal a nice curvy figure.  Added another cup size or so.  Continued subtle changes to the face and some work towards hair removal.  Some new clothes and just more at ease about myself in general.

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Also starting at 35, you definitely gave me hope!

When I started posting here I paid extra attention to the people around mid 30s transitioning since it is seemingly an underrepresented demographic everywhere. You really have made a difference to me!
~ Ellie
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■
I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!
9/08/18 - I'M IN LOVE!!!!
2/27/19 - Name Change!


Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #137 on: January 26, 2018, 02:14:50 pm »


Also starting at 35, you definitely gave me hope!

When I started posting here I paid extra attention to the people around mid 30s transitioning since it is seemingly an underrepresented demographic everywhere. You really have made a difference to me!

It does seem a little under represented these days.  When I first joined the forum about 2 years ago there were a few of us in that mid 30s range.  I am friends with a few of them on Facebook or keep in touch via email.  Haven't seen any of them post here for a few months now.  I think a big problem for this age group is we typically have so much life going on.  Prime demographic for lots of work/career, family raising, and still a possible social life for the child-free ones.  Plus we don't seem as a group to be nearly as attached to our phones.

There is way too much of that omg 30's its too late mentality around.  True we don't as a group seem to get as good results as the early transitioned, but we seem to on average do better than the 50's and up crowd.  I will readily admit the one girl I'm friends with who is my age and started hrt like 2 months before me is way prettier than I and easily passable since she got a trach shave.  A part of it too is just all the life risk involved in transition at this stage for so many.

I'm glad I can be an inspiration to you!  I never got to be a role model before.  Judging from your photos you'll be fine.  I really should mock up something for the before and after thread.  I just don't like photos.  If you search my post history you can find a photo of me presenting femme pre hrt by a few months and a couple photos at various intervals.  I believe the last photo I have done was back in October.  I haven't changed much since that one other than about 10 pounds and a bit bigger boobs, but I had a slightly padded bra on in the October photo so it's not like you would notice that anyway.  I started hormones 9 days after my 35th birthday so it's pretty easy to remember how long I've been on them .

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Offline Cassi

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #138 on: January 26, 2018, 06:49:51 pm »

It does seem a little under represented these days.  When I first joined the forum about 2 years ago there were a few of us in that mid 30s range.  I am friends with a few of them on Facebook or keep in touch via email.  Haven't seen any of them post here for a few months now.  I think a big problem for this age group is we typically have so much life going on.  Prime demographic for lots of work/career, family raising, and still a possible social life for the child-free ones.  Plus we don't seem as a group to be nearly as attached to our phones.

There is way too much of that omg 30's its too late mentality around.  True we don't as a group seem to get as good results as the early transitioned, but we seem to on average do better than the 50's and up crowd.  I will readily admit the one girl I'm friends with who is my age and started hrt like 2 months before me is way prettier than I and easily passable since she got a trach shave.  A part of it too is just all the life risk involved in transition at this stage for so many.

I'm glad I can be an inspiration to you!  I never got to be a role model before.  Judging from your photos you'll be fine.  I really should mock up something for the before and after thread.  I just don't like photos.  If you search my post history you can find a photo of me presenting femme pre hrt by a few months and a couple photos at various intervals.  I believe the last photo I have done was back in October.  I haven't changed much since that one other than about 10 pounds and a bit bigger boobs, but I had a slightly padded bra on in the October photo so it's not like you would notice that anyway.  I started hormones 9 days after my 35th birthday so it's pretty easy to remember how long I've been on them .

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Okay, all us over the hill lavender mob girls are lighting torches as I type Amber!. 
HRT since 1/04/2018

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #139 on: January 26, 2018, 07:10:30 pm »
Okay, all us over the hill lavender mob girls are lighting torches as I type Amber!.
I don't believe that terribly inflammatory.  I never said that older ladies don't get results from hormones or that they don't look feminine or that they couldn't pass or anything terribly negative.  Merely an observation of the averages.  There will always be statistical outliers too.

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