Author Topic: Grrr, why is this so complicated?  (Read 27982 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Aspiringperson

Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #160 on: February 09, 2018, 10:33:09 am »
snipped: 
I love debate!  Thats why I coached high school debate for 8 years and competed in college.  It's always nice when the discussion is civil.

Amberwaves:   Ah ha, no wonder I like talking to you. 8)  Likewise I was in the Debate Club in high school and in college I also competed on one of the Debate Teams.    Yes, civil, respectful, and not demeaning is the key to debate that allows differing views to be voiced without criticism, and berating.  :)

Offline Cassi

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 4,335
  • Reputation: +9/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #161 on: February 09, 2018, 10:34:04 am »
Darn!

I was so looking forward to pitchforks and torches!!!!
HRT since 1/04/2018

Aspiringperson

Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #162 on: February 09, 2018, 10:38:10 am »
@ Amberwaves:   As an additional thought to my previous reply...
I would have loved to have been on the Debate Team as a woman...    It would have been most interesting I think.

Offline amberwaves

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 727
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #163 on: February 09, 2018, 10:39:22 am »
Darn!

I was so looking forward to pitchforks and torches!!!!
Don't worry.  That time will come.  Then all the normies will know their place!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk


Offline Cassi

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 4,335
  • Reputation: +9/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #164 on: February 09, 2018, 10:40:59 am »
Don't worry.  That time will come.  Then all the normies will know their place!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk

 :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap:
HRT since 1/04/2018

Offline amberwaves

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 727
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #165 on: February 09, 2018, 10:42:35 am »
@ Amberwaves:   As an additional thought to my previous reply...
I would have loved to have been on the Debate Team as a woman...    It would have been most interesting I think.
It would have been interesting.  We had more female debaters than males most years four our  high school debater program.

To be fair, I was successful regardless.  In 2014, my partner and I won the PFA state tournament in parliamentary debate.  First time anyone from Bloomsburg won.  The next year our high school public forum debate team placed 8th in the nation at NFL nationals (I know NFL changed their name, but I forget what it is now).

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk


Offline HappyMoni

  • *
  • Posts: 3,856
  • Reputation: +71/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Smiles for the house, it's on me!
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #166 on: February 09, 2018, 04:01:06 pm »
I hate debate! Okay, you have 5 minutes for rebuttal! >:-)
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)
"Moni" is pronounced like "Bonnie"

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS, great repair.

]

Offline Cassi

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 4,335
  • Reputation: +9/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #167 on: February 09, 2018, 04:23:21 pm »
I hate debate! Okay, you have 5 minutes for rebuttal! >:-)

Funny, you should say that, a lot of people who don't like fishing hate de bait too :)
HRT since 1/04/2018

Offline amberwaves

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 727
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #168 on: February 12, 2018, 11:17:43 am »
It's that time again... Updates!  All good things must come to an end it seems.  After 2 pleasant weeks of really good mood, today it crashes down.  It's not super bad and hopefully doesn't last.  Today is weird because my mood is just really unstable.  Things are able to definitely trigger me today, but after a bit of distraction (work) I notice that I'm not too upset until I start thinking about things again.  Is this how "normal"people operate?  It's definitely not the norm for me.  I'm wondering if the abilify is working in the background to minimize the severity of the down swings.  It's been about two weeks so perhaps.  However, back to back days off getting boned hard at work have not made me a very happy camper.

The grand experiment to see if E was sufficient to suppress my T has been a failure.  Got my land back the other day and nope T was up to 300.  This explains why my chest hair was growing back so fast and why I felt I was starting to stink after a few hours every day.  Kind of sucks because I really didn't miss waking up to pee multiple times in the night. I see my endo next week so we will go over the results.  I am going to ask again about injections.  He doesn't care for them because it's hard to get stable levels, but even at a high dose of E it was only at 128pg/mL on pills.

I typically am very resistant to medications and it seems hormones are no different.  That being said I have seen really good feminization on hrt so my receptors must be pretty good.  I posted a few photos recently and holy <poo>, I LIKE how I look these days.  It's still am incredible mind fudge to feel good about how I look after so many years of having my appearance.  I never really knew why either.  Since I've been feeling good about my looks been wearing more flattering clothing that shows off a tiny bit.  It's such an odd experience to look down and see cleavage (this is partly because I bought bread that fit correctly).  My brain goes, "holy <poo> when did that happen?". 

I have been really sociable lately.  I went ahead and reconnected with a few people on Facebook that I haven't talked to in a while.  Apparently I look a lot happier these days, but given how I used to be, that's not surprising.  Unfortunately, every body is really busy and my brain does still like to fall into the trap of thinking people must not want to talk to me. 

One person, who I really only loosely know, kind of unsettled me a bit.  I was busy with work so I couldn't respond much or often and I said as much and I'll talk to you later.  They responded with something along the lines of, "why would you bother caring about another person's life, unless you are interested in them.". That kind of stings.  I know that's just their depression speaking, but still.  I made an effort to reach out, which is unusual in and of itself for me, why snap at me?  It's been making me question if I am a selfish person and only talk to others when I have some ulterior motive. I know that rationally that's not the case, but I am prone to that kind of negative self doubt and it hit me on a day where I was already unsettled.

I talked to my brother in law yesterday.  Haven't spoken to him in a while.  Turns out they (well at least him anyway) are not upset with me.  I was starting to wonder if I pissed them off.

Things are still weird with that friends I've been having so many issues with lately.  She has been incredibly disinterested with me.  I have only seen her a few times over the last few weeks.  I wave hi and she wanted back, but I see the smile face before she even turns her head away.  Last week I some with her briefly about something relatively unimportant.  She tried, but failed, to hide this look of disgust.  One of those "oh great, now I have to deal with her" looks.  I truly have no idea what's going on. I've decided I'm not going to bother finding out either.  It hurts, but for my own sanity I just have to let go.  It's a shame because I really did value our friendship.  Still it makes me feel <poor> because i want able to be a good friend. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk


Offline Cassi

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 4,335
  • Reputation: +9/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #169 on: February 12, 2018, 11:20:01 am »
Amber,

I've been waiting to tell you this and now is the time as I know what you're going thru is not your fault.  You see, I recognized you from when we were kidnapped and put on that UFO by the Greys. 

They just love messing with our biological systems!!!!
HRT since 1/04/2018

Offline amberwaves

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 727
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #170 on: February 12, 2018, 11:28:28 am »
Amber,

I've been waiting to tell you this and now is the time as I know what you're going thru is not your fault.  You see, I recognized you from when we were kidnapped and put on that UFO by the Greys. 

They just love messing with our biological systems!!!!
I freaking knew it!  Makes so much more sense now.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk


Offline Cassi

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 4,335
  • Reputation: +9/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #171 on: February 12, 2018, 11:42:46 am »
I freaking knew it!  Makes so much more sense now.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk

I am soooo happy!!!!!
Now enjoy life and be hoppy, I mean Happy!
HRT since 1/04/2018

Aspiringperson

Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #172 on: February 12, 2018, 12:30:13 pm »
snipped: 
It's that time again... Updates!  All good things must come to an end it seems.
 - - - -
The grand experiment to see if E was sufficient to suppress my T has been a failure.  Got my land back the other day and nope T was up to 300.  This explains why my chest hair was growing back so fast and why I felt I was starting to stink after a few hours every day.  Kind of sucks because I really didn't miss waking up to pee multiple times in the night. I see my endo next week so we will go over the results.  I am going to ask again about injections.  He doesn't care for them because it's hard to get stable levels, but even at a high dose of E it was only at 128pg/mL on pills.

I typically am very resistant to medications and it seems hormones are no different.  That being said I have seen really good feminization on hrt so my receptors must be pretty good.  I posted a few photos recently and holy <poo>, I LIKE how I look these days.  It's still am incredible mind fudge to feel good about how I look after so many years of having my appearance.  I never really knew why either.  Since I've been feeling good about my looks been wearing more flattering clothing that shows off a tiny bit.  It's such an odd experience to look down and see cleavage (this is partly because I bought bread that fit correctly).  My brain goes, "holy <poo> when did that happen?". 

I have been really sociable lately.  I went ahead and reconnected with a few people on Facebook that I haven't talked to in a while.  Apparently I look a lot happier these days, but given how I used to be, that's not surprising.  Unfortunately, every body is really busy and my brain does still like to fall into the trap of thinking people must not want to talk to me. 
   - - - - - - - 
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk

amberwaves:  I read your update and you must certainly know that you are not alone in this difficult trek of transition.  I think that your body transition so far looks great as shown by your recent Feb 8th photos that you posted. I like the first outfit best... but both do look very nice on you.

Personally for my HRT situation in the past the E alone did not keep the T down.  My doc has kept me on a T-Blocker for 3 years and I am still on them so the E can really do it's job in my body....and I am so very glad that it is working.  I like what you stated..." It's such an odd experience to look down and see cleavage."  That too was an important right of passage for me and opened up so many more clothing choices... YAY !!!!

So your body not compatible with most T-Blocker pills??  Does your doctor want to try putting you back on a T-Blocker pill since he is not happy with injections or will he do the injections if there is not a good choice with the T-Blocker pills?   Most certainly growing more hair and stinking sucks but because of a T-Blocker, waking up in the night to go pee all the time is a very minor inconvenience in the scope of things especially when the E will work better and hopefully accelerate your transition.

As far as you being able to successfully deal with your personal relationships, friends and family, I wish you well with that endeavor.  I am glad that you are staying as sociable as possible, that is good, better than crawling into a black hole, isolated and pushing away from others.
Transition not only tests our physical body but also our mental and psychological well-being.  An old saying that I heard some years ago hits the nail on the head... "If life doesn't deal you enough problems you can always count on your family."   So very true!!

Wishing you well, looking forward to your future updates.  (and more photos?)  Stay positive!!!
aspiringperson

Offline amberwaves

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 727
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #173 on: February 12, 2018, 01:23:26 pm »


snipped: 
amberwaves:  I read your update and you must certainly know that you are not alone in this difficult trek of transition.  I think that your body transition so far looks great as shown by your recent Feb 8th photos that you posted. I like the first outfit best... but both do look very nice on you.

So your body not compatible with most T-Blocker pills?

First off, thank you very much for the compliment.

It's funny but for me transition really hasn't been a difficult trek at all.  It has been mostly pretty easy and pain free.  I am sort of an outlier in that regard.  Considering that the rest of my life has been playing on hard mode.  I already was estranged from most of my family due to severe family dysfunction.  Even though I pretty much lost my relationship with my father it wasn't that big of a loss because it had been souring for a few years anyway.  I have an awesome wife who likes me much better this way and great kids who are young enough to accept everything.  I didn't really have a career to lose either, having spent years doing menial work.  I lost a long time friend, but I gained others.  Honestly, I stand by my statement made a long time ago that life played a very cruel trick on me for the first 35 years.  I don't brag about my fairly easy transition.  Many have struggled so long and hard and have given up so much.  My heart goes out to all who have sacrificed to be who they truly are.

I have only tried spironolactone as an AA.  My potassium has a habit of running at the upper end of the range as a baseline so we never went beyond the initial dosage.  I inquired about other anti-androgens such as bicalutamide and others but he was less than receptive.  All said and done I'm getting to where I want to be.  I already started back on spiro when I saw my results.

I say I thought I stunk, but in reality I didn't.  I was never that odorous.  It's just definitely how I smelled as a guy and my smell is much better these days.  I told my wife and she hadn't noticed, not had anyone complained.

So far so good not getting sucked back into despair.  Honestly, for better perspective on me it's worth reading this thread from near the beginning.  I don't post terribly often, but you can see how my moods fluxuate by what I choose to say and how I phrase things.  Also, that will give you more clarity about my personal struggles.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk


Offline amberwaves

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 727
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #174 on: February 21, 2018, 10:04:35 am »
So it seems like the Abilify is helping.  I have noticed that my mood has been much more stable.  Even things that get me down don't seem to last more than a little bit before fading back to baseline.  Also, baseline mood seems to be back up around where it was in August/September.  This is nice because there's possibly more <poo> going on now than then.  So it's either the Abilify or my T being back down.  It's hard to say because I restarted Spiro right around the time I started Abilify.  Either way the current cocktail seems to be doing it's job.

Had my visit with my Endo yesterday.  We discussed my levels and the reason it seemed they were so off.  We upped E yet again.  Really capping out on that option, but this should be the last time it's necessary.  My E level in August was 128.8 pg/mL and T was 23.7.  The recent results are an aberration based on this little experiment so I base my thoughts on the August numbers.  Not terribly happy to be on Spiro and almost peeing myself multiple times a day at work and driving.  With all this dancing you think I would be getting good at it .

On the bright side when I weighed in for my visit I was down 2 pounds, even with clothes on (albeit light clothes because the weather was really nice).  I typically weigh myself in the morning in panties post evacuation for consistency.  So I am nuking the T back down and suddenly the weight loss train starts running again.  I don't really get it fully but I just run better on female hormones.  This just affirms my theory, that I was just meant to be a woman, even more.  What a nasty cruel prank life played on me.  I could have been happy and slim and enjoyable to be around my whole life.  Oh well, it's a shame for the years lost but I'm not gonna dwell on it.

So my visit was not without issues, though they weren't directly related to the visit itself.  When I pulled into the parking lot my wife called me.  She was heading to the ER with mouth pain as soon as her mom could get there to sit with the kids (I was an hour away at this point).  We suspected very strongly she had an infection because this weekend she had some bad mouth pain.  But since it was the weekend we opted to not do the ER and try to get her in to the Dr when the week started up.  Guess that was the wrong choice.  So I was already on edge.  She does indeed have a bad infection and got some antibiotics, a lidocaine shot, and a referral for dentistry.

On the drive home I got about 1 mile from my exit I got a flat tire.  I had been planning on getting new tires with our tax return anyway.  They are 7 years old (rated for 10) and the tread is wearing low.  So it's dusk and I get to change a tire along a busy highway.  I get the lug nuts off and go to pull the tire and the bastard is stuck.  Apparently it had fused itself a bit due to corrosion.  I eventually got it off by replacing the lug nuts at finger tight and driving back and forth a few feet.  This let it wobble enough to break off most of the corrosion.  I put it back up and still had to yank hard enough I wasn't sure the jack would hold to get it off.  Wouldn't you believe it, but here there I was, a damsel in distress, and not one shining knight stopped to help.  I kid, I totally didn't need help.  Unfortunately, the bra I was wearing was not made for this kind of work and left some impressive marks in my sides. Then I got stuck at a train and had to pick up my new Rx and a refill.  I had to apologize profusely to my mother-in-law for how late I was getting back.

I had another electrolysis session on Monday.  That went really well except for me being 10 minutes late (thanks 20 minute window time at McDonald's, seriously, it was a burrito and a coffee, <I don't understand>).  You can really see a difference on the upper lip now.  We don't spend nearly as long there and we have been getting a lot more time on the chin.  I enjoy the conversation too.  She asked me about how I figured out my style.  I told her I don't even know if I have a "style" yet.  I buy what I think might be cute and most things are still just an experiment.  It must work well because I am just not used to getting so many compliments.  To be fair I saw my reflection the other day and realized that, holy <poo>, I look like a woman that I would flirt with.  I can just imagine how it's going to be once I drop under 200.

We have been having issues with the county assistance office lately.  I'm starting to think that if we are going to get screwed on our assistance (insurance) I might as well get a big girl job.  The only reason I haven't is because of the looking expensive surgery that I know for a fact is covered.  Guess it's time to update the name on the resume and start looking again.  If that happens at least we could probably have my wife drop her job and go to school full time.  Just kinda stinks because the current plan works, even if not ideal.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk


Aspiringperson

Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #175 on: February 21, 2018, 10:24:13 am »
                 (snipped)

@amberwaves:  Wow whee.... quite a time you had with everything you mentioned in your post.   For me, writing about life events like you just did really helps me deal with all of it emotionally.   
Oh yeah, just like you, if I keep the T at lowest levels it "seems" that I can keep my weight under control... I don't know if this is a universal fact but it "seems" that way for me.  I have seen other posts where this is not the case and they were saying that higher E causes weight gain....   As everyone says, your mileage may vary and every body responds differently to these things.
I enjoyed reading your treatise...  especially the flat tire episode... I have had the same thing happen with trying to remove a stuck wheel, I liked your solution.   .... and perhaps if you were wearing a mini-skirt, crop top, and high heels you would have enticed a knight in shining armor to come to your rescue.  LOL
Keep your updates coming and more pictures too!
Best Wishes,
aspiringperson

Offline amberwaves

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 727
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #176 on: February 21, 2018, 10:52:31 am »


For me, writing about life events like you just did really helps me deal with all of it emotionally.   

Oh yeah, just like you, if I keep the T at lowest levels it "seems" that I can keep my weight under control... I don't know if this is a universal fact but it "seems" that way for me.  I have seen other posts where this is not the case and they were saying that higher E causes weight gain....   

Perhaps if you were wearing a mini-skirt, crop top, and high heels you would have enticed a knight in shining armor to come to your rescue.  LOL

I surprisingly don't need to share to deal with things emotionally.  I share because it's a nice way to chronicle things for prosperity and sometimes it's just amusing.  Also, I think I may like the attention.  Here I thought that I was an introvert.  Seems like these days the emphasis should be on WAS.

I'm glad I'm not the only one to react this way with the weight thing.  It was my understanding that most people have a hard time keeping weight off on E.  For me it's just been melting away.  It's such a pleasant change.  That and the easy passing makes me feel like I put in a cheat code or something.

I didn't realize I was wearing the wrong outfit.  Flats, jeggings, a nice blouse, and a scowl does not a damsel make?  Nevermind the punk music blasting from the stereo.  Seems like a modern fairytale to me .

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk


Offline amberwaves

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 727
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #177 on: February 22, 2018, 04:56:12 pm »
Okay I took a quick work selfie.  Mostly because it's the first time in my life wearing pig tails and also having my hair braided.  It's not particularly great because I did it in haste on my lunch break, but I still think it's kind of cute.



Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk


Aspiringperson

Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #178 on: February 22, 2018, 05:14:11 pm »
Okay I took a quick work selfie.  Mostly because it's the first time in my life wearing pig tails and also having my hair braided.  It's not particularly great because I did it in haste on my lunch break, but I still think it's kind of cute.



Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk

@amberwaves:  I have not worn pigtails but I have fixed my hair in a ponytail often... particularly when I go jogging or running...or to the gym... and/or don't want to take the time to fix up my hair just running errands.   
Pigtails look good on you and I especially liked your previous photo on another thread with the side ponytail.... 
... and I have to say it again, I love your red hair!!!!!
Aspiringperson.

Offline amberwaves

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 727
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #179 on: February 22, 2018, 05:35:28 pm »


@amberwaves:  I have not worn pigtails but I have fixed my hair in a ponytail often... particularly when I go jogging or running...or to the gym... and/or don't want to take the time to fix up my hair just running errands.   
Pigtails look good on you and I especially liked your previous photo on another thread with the side ponytail.... 
... and I have to say it again, I love your red hair!!!!!
Aspiringperson.

Thank you, I love the red hair too.  I wear a pony tail a lot of the time to keep it out of my face and for work.  I need to practice braiding.  I would love to do wind braids, but I am not sure I could do them myself and my wife looked at me like I was crazy when I mentioned it once before.  This stuff is where I truly miss not having been socialized female.  I could have learned and tried out so much of this stuff.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk


Tags: