Topic: Grrr, why is this so complicated?

[HappyMoni]

Wow Amber, hard to believe that before picture Hon! What a difference! Glad to hear you are giving the friend another go. Haven't posted here for a while, sorry. You definitely seem to have come to a different place. By different, I mean better. So good to see.
Moni

[amberwaves]

Wow Amber, hard to believe that before picture Hon! What a difference! Glad to hear you are giving the friend another go. Haven't posted here for a while, sorry. You definitely seem to have come to a different place. By different, I mean better. So good to see.
Moni

I have noticed you have been really quiet lately.  I figured you must be busy living life.  Thanks for popping in

I do get a giggle it of people's reaction to before pictures.  It doesn't help folks that I had a very brief in between phase and I haven't posted many photos except recently so yes it does seem rather dramatic.

I'm not sure if it wise to rekindle the friendship.  So far so good I suppose. We haven't intereacted much and I suspect there will be a good bit of awkwardness for a little while.  As for coming from a different place, I guess the last few months haven't been entirely in vain.  Like always I am progressing slowly towards becoming a better person, as I suspect most of us are.

[Northern Star Girl]

I have noticed you have been really quiet lately.  I figured you must be busy living life.  Thanks for popping in

I do get a giggle it of people's reaction to before pictures.  It doesn't help folks that I had a very brief in between phase and I haven't posted many photos except recently so yes it does seem rather dramatic.

I'm not sure if it wise to rekindle the friendship.  So far so good I suppose. We haven't intereacted much and I suspect there will be a good bit of awkwardness for a little while.  As for coming from a different place, I guess the last few months haven't been entirely in vain. Like always I am progressing slowly towards becoming a better person, as I suspect most of us are.

Yes indeed, Amber, very dramatic body changes... definitely a big change for the better.... you have become a beautiful and pretty woman for sure.

Regarding the friendship you mention... if you do rekindle the friendship, I suggest "slow and careful"

YES, as you correctly stated, I would also hope that all of us are continually progressing to become a better person... we have a chance to basically start over in a new body (at least in appearance) so perhaps we can more easily mold and shape what we want to become...  because the past is the past.

Please continue with your updates ...and pictures are good whenever you feel that you want to post them.
Hugs,
Danielle

[amberwaves]

Yes indeed, Amber, very dramatic body changes... definitely a big change for the better.... you have become a beautiful and pretty woman for sure.

Regarding the friendship you mention... if you do rekindle the friendship, I suggest "slow and careful"

YES, as you correctly stated, I would also hope that all of us are continually progressing to become a better person... we have a chance to basically start over in a new body (at least in appearance) so perhaps we can more easily mold and shape what we want to become...  because the past is the past.

Please continue with your updates ...and pictures are good whenever you feel that you want to post them.
Hugs,
Danielle

Thank you.  I'm still working on my beauty but it's getting better all the time.

I definitely got the chance to start over as a new me physically.  Unfortunately, I brought a lot of baggage from my old self emotionally.  I will likely spend the rest of my life working on these things, but that is the way things go sometimes.  At least I'm willing to address these flaws.  So many fail to even recognize problems let alone put the work in to overcome them.

About my friend, I have been discussing the matter heavily today and last week.  We are meeting to catch up on Friday afternoon.  I'm excited to get the chance to talk outside of work.  Things may fall apart, or they may not.  In either case it won't be Friday.  For now, I'mm just glad to have another shot.  It was miserable to leave things the way they were.

Your picture with is granted in the fabulous thread, though it's not a great picture, the outfit is cute though.

Tomorrow I have my first session of zapping on my nethers.  That should be...interesting.  I have a high pain tolerance and dealt with electrolysis on my face like nothing.  This has me slightly concerned.  I'll survive, but darn if that area isn't much more sensitive.

[Northern Star Girl]

Thank you.  I'm still working on my beauty but it's getting better all the time.

I definitely got the chance to start over as a new me physically.  Unfortunately, I brought a lot of baggage from my old self emotionally.  I will likely spend the rest of my life working on these things, but that is the way things go sometimes.  At least I'm willing to address these flaws.  So many fail to even recognize problems let alone put the work in to overcome them.

About my friend, I have been discussing the matter heavily today and last week.  We are meeting to catch up on Friday afternoon.  I'm excited to get the chance to talk outside of work.  Things may fall apart, or they may not.  In either case it won't be Friday.  For now, I'mm just glad to have another shot.  It was miserable to leave things the way they were.

Your picture with is granted in the fabulous thread, though it's not a great picture, the outfit is cute though.

Tomorrow I have my first session of zapping on my nethers.  That should be...interesting.  I have a high pain tolerance and dealt with electrolysis on my face like nothing.  This has me slightly concerned.  I'll survive, but darn if that area isn't much more sensitive.

Amber....  ouchi..... yes indeed, zapping the nethers is going to be a test of your pain tolerance... or at least it was for me.... but I am a baby when it comes to pain.
Hopefully all goes well with that for you.
Hugs,
Danielle

[amberwaves]

So I survived my first session of genital electrolysis.  The lidocaine injections definitely stung.  Near the end she zapped a spot where there lidocaine had work off...that definitely stung a good bit.  I have a good pain tolerance, but I certainly don't think I could have gone through a 4 hour session without the numbing.  It was nice to get the chance to talk without having to hold my mouth still this time.  I definitely ended up with some scrotal bruising from the injection needle and it's really fun to ice your balls while driving a 3 hour drive home.  Overall the irritation to the site seems less than I expected.

I honestly wish I could see myself as others see me.  When talking with others sometimes they just seem very fascinated with me.  I admit that I am very atypical in most respects, but I don't see myself as anything particularly fancy.  I related my account of going down to the keystone conference.  Also, how I noticed that my success with transition and overall appearance seemed to make more than a few people jealous.  She told me that I probably make a decent number of cis women jealous too.  While I do think I look pretty now I just can't seem to believe that I am that pretty.

Another amusing thing that came up was talking about my fashion choices and style.  She used the word flirty to describe it.  While I wouldn't have come up with that myself I can see what she means.  I feel good about my body (even with the extra pounds) and I do enjoy showing it a little.  Not because I am trying to be a tease or anything, I just find these outfits cute and flattering to my form.  Never in a million years would I ever have imagined having the confidence to wear some of the stuff I wear nowadays.  So I suppose it is a little flirty and attention grabbing, but I don't think it's over the top or crossing the line.

I will admit the shirt I had on today was quite revealing.  That had more to do with me wanting to wear something that provided lots of air flow.  I like coffee which makes my skin flush and feel warm (leading to sweating) and I'm on Adderall which once it kicks in boosts the metabolism and makes me warm and sweat.  On top of that pain makes me sweat.  So yeah I wanted something light.  It was cold and rainy today, but outside I wear a coat so the top is a non issue (nevermind that most of it was in the car anyway)

This is the revealing top (I bought it on clearance last fall and this is the first I've gotten to wear it)

[HappyMoni]

Hi Amber,
   Yes, it is pretty hard to see how we look to the world. Being trans and seeing ourselves is like looking in a mirror with the distortions of our past presentation making it hard to see what we really look like now. I have come to a good compromise. I get the clothes that I like and then just get feedback from my partner that it isn't way off the track. If she says it isn't and I like it, I don't worry about others. I get a lot of compliments on my style. Of course my response is, "Oh, I have a style?" A few weeks ago, I wore my first bathing suit out in public, a one piece. With that, I was like, "I don't care, I am just gonna do this and whatever happens, happens." I will save the bikini for home when my kids aren't home. Fears of damaging people's retina, I guess. Being your age at least you don't worry about dressing too young to a large extent. I push that envelope just a bit. Not ready to dress other people's idea of my age.
   I think this thread is doing you good. I see more ease in you being okay with sharing and that is great to see. I'm sorry I missed you at Keystone.
   Genital electrolysis is awesome especially the part where your leg involuntarily kicks like a frog's leg hooked up to a battery. Four hours is a bit much though.
   Hugs ya cuttie,
Moni

[amberwaves]

Hi Amber,
   Yes, it is pretty hard to see how we look to the world. Being trans and seeing ourselves is like looking in a mirror with the distortions of our past presentation making it hard to see what we really look like now. I have come to a good compromise. I get the clothes that I like and then just get feedback from my partner that it isn't way off the track. If she says it isn't and I like it, I don't worry about others. I get a lot of compliments on my style. Of course my response is, "Oh, I have a style?" A few weeks ago, I wore my first bathing suit out in public, a one piece. With that, I was like, "I don't care, I am just gonna do this and whatever happens." I will save the bikini for home when my kids aren't home. Fears of damaging people's retina, I guess. Being your age at least you don't worry about dressing too young to a large extent. I push that envelope just a bit. Not ready to dress other people's idea of my age.
   I think this thread is doing you good. I see more ease in you being okay with sharing and that is great to see. I'm sorry I missed you at Keystone.
   Genital electrolysis is awesome especially the part where your leg involuntarily kicks like a frog's leg hooked up to a battery. Four hours is a bit much though.
   Hugs ya cuttie,
Moni

Moni,

Thank you for commenting.  I've missed hearing from you.  I'm sorry we didn't get to see you at keystone as well.  It's okay though.  The wife and I went down to Baltimore a few weeks ago to visit good friends and I totally blanked on seeing if you were available.  Sometimes I can be a bit flighty.

I am not sure if it's being trans that prevents me from seeing myself as others do, so much as having my personality distorted, my soul shattered, and my perceptions gaslighted my entire childhood and adolescence.  Being trans certainly doesn't help, I will admit. I project my own insecurities into my perceived reaction of others.  I am surprisingly good at realizing what people are seeing physically, though sometimes I forget that people see a woman these days.

I didn't experience the frog leg effect.  4 hours is a long session, but since the prices is so time consuming it helps make progress.  Since I drive 3 hours to get there I prefer to book long sessions anyway because it is pretty much my whole day regardless.  Gives me plenty of time to talk to Ramona too.  Which is nice because I am a bit if a chatterbox.  I will say though that getting that much work done at once does make the area look terrible for a little while.

I really don't worry to much about dressing too young.  Originally, I did, but I had so much insecurity about presenting anyway.  I know I look a good bit younger than I am so I'm going to ride this train.  I bought a two piece sit at the end of last summer but I haven't had the chance to wear it yet.  I feel like I will be self conscious for a little and then adapt as I always do.  Certainly not an eye bleach situation anymore.

I guess I do seen more at ease these days.  Generally I am happier and in a better place the last 2 months or so.  I still have a lot of my moments an I work through them as I need too.  I will say that miserable voice in the back of my head telling me all kinds of nasty things has been mostly gone except for when my bpd is triggered.  If nothing else posting about things has worked as an incredible log of just how much I've grown.

I have a major update to write out later.  I'll try to do it on my lunch break.  As it is it's taken me an hour to get this typed up.

[Northern Star Girl]

snipped:

Moni,
- - - - - - - - -
I didn't experience the frog leg effect.  4 hours is a long session, but since the prices is so time consuming it helps make progress. 
- - - - - - - - -
I really don't worry to much about dressing too young.  Originally, I did, but I had so much insecurity about presenting anyway.  I know I look a good bit younger than I am so I'm going to ride this train.  I bought a two piece sit at the end of last summer but I haven't had the chance to wear it yet.  I feel like I will be self conscious for a little and then adapt as I always do. 
- - - - - - - - -
I guess I do seen more at ease these days.  Generally I am happier and in a better place the last 2 months or so.  I still have a lot of my moments an I work through them as I need too.  I will say that miserable voice in the back of my head telling me all kinds of nasty things has been mostly gone except for when my bpd is triggered.  If nothing else posting about things has worked as an incredible log of just how much I've grown.
- - - - - - - - - -
I have a major update to write out later.  I'll try to do it on my lunch break.  As it is it's taken me an hour to get this typed up.

Amber:
I am glad that you made it OK through the hair removal.... I did not experience the Frog Leg thing that Moni talked about either..... but it hurt like the dickens.

You do look young for your age, so you should own it and dress as you feel....  you always look so beautiful in your pictures.

Yes, as I have replied many times.... writing about your journey and keeping a log is good therapy.

Ahhhh, you have a major update coming?? !!!   I will be eagerly awaiting, as always.

Hugs, Danielle

[amberwaves]

Okay so I have a bit of time to type now.  First thing is I bought a smart watch off my friend for$50.  This thing is super meet and I've wanted one for a good long while.  It's a Samsung gear fit 2.  It's in really good condition and I picked it up for less than half price.  So exciting, I've been playing with it a ton.

Tonight Sara and I are going to a masquerade themed adult prom.  We are going to see some friends that we haven't seen in quite a while (pretransition).  They know as we are friends in Facebook and are totally cool, but with everyone having kids schedules just never work out.  We bought and decorated masks last night.  Going to get all dolled up and have a good time.  There will be pictures later.  It is my understanding that everyone is going to karaoke afterwards.  I likely won't sing even though I always do.  I'm a really good singer, but my singing voice is very much male and it would just be so awkward.  The last thing I need is some drunk redneck getting uppity and there are likely to be a few of them around given the venue.

I met with my friend that I mentioned in a previous post for about 2 hours yesterday after I got off work.  It was so absolutely wonderful.  It wasn't awkward or weird or anything bad.  We both had a lot to catch up on.  We did talk a little about how complicated things got before and we both admitted fault.  Turns out it wasn't just me be weird.  Also, I wasn't the only one to really miss our friendship. She has a psuedo boyfriend thing going on right now.  I am so excited for her.  I was so giddy to hear that and get all the details.  We talked a good bit about a lot of subjects.  At the end we hugged (we have only ever hugged once and it wasn't cool because things were starting to get complicated between us right at that time).  There was no pulling away or discomfort or awkwardness.  I actually started to mist up at that point because I have missed her so much and things are cool between us now.  I maintained my composure, but wow.  That might be the first time since the birth of my eldest child that I've been compelled to cry happy tears.  I am still not the crying sort.  The whole drive home I had a shi eating grin on my face. As per my therapists request I wrote down how or encounter went and all my dbt stuff.  I've been on cloud freaking nine.  I know it seems a little silly, but I have beat myself up so much over ruining out friendship and thought about her nearly every day since wondering if she was okay and if life has been treating her well, etc.  Guess I wasn't the only one.  We are incredibly similar and that was part of the problem.

Okay I've rambled long enough I suppose.  Lots to do today.

[sarah1972]

I am do happy for you Amber! What a great way to make up with an old friend.
I also had a few years in my eyes reading your happy report.

One thing I noticed is that since starting HRT and being fully out, my relationship with especially female friends has changed and there is a lot of added trust and deeper conversations than ever. Guess that is part of the girls club.

Maybe your transition has helped with your friend too! Hope you two can enjoy a renewed friendship.

Hugs!

[amberwaves]

I am do happy for you Amber! What a great way to make up with an old friend.
I also had a few years in my eyes reading your happy report.

One thing I noticed is that since starting HRT and being fully out, my relationship with especially female friends has changed and there is a lot of added trust and deeper conversations than ever. Guess that is part of the girls club.

Maybe your transition has helped with your friend too! Hope you two can enjoy a renewed friendship.

Hugs!

Thank you Sarah.  It really isn't the case of transition helping out since I met her after already transitioning for a bit.

I have found having female friends so much less awkward than before

[Northern Star Girl]

  Dear Amber:  That is such great news about how things turned out regarding the relationship between you and your friend. 
I know that you were struggling with this with all kinds of emotions.
I am so very glad that all is better in your “world” now!!!
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

[Allison S]

What an interesting friendship. I'm a bit of a lurker here and I do remember how much it hurt you to not be on talking terms anymore at that point. I've lost close friends by my own doing that I think about here and there. I don't regret things, I learned from my mistakes, but I miss their companionship and wish them the best. I always remember our friendships happily.

By the way, I don't know if I missed the part you talk about your past. Not that you're obligated to or anything I'm just curious.

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[amberwaves]

What an interesting friendship. I'm a bit of a lurker here and I do remember how much it hurt you to not be on talking terms anymore at that point. I've lost close friends by my own doing that I think about here and there. I don't regret things, I learned from my mistakes, but I miss their companionship and wish them the best. I always remember our friendships happily.

By the way, I don't know if I missed the part you talk about your past. Not that you're obligated to or anything I'm just curious.

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Hi Allison.  I did not know you were a little on my thread.  You should have spoken up sooner.  I don't bite ... much.

It is a horrible complicated friendship.  Hopefully it has become a lot less so.  Because of our condition (she is undiagnosed bpd, but definitely way too many symptoms) we just ate terrible at not making interpersonal relationships weird.  You are correct I was devastated when things fell apart before.  I blamed myself for so much that I didn't have control of in the first place.  It seems like she did that a bunch too, but at least looked like she managed it better.  It's hard to explain but the two of us instantly bonded and felt totally comfortable sharing things with each other (very atypical for both of us). 

I have said a lot about my past though it may be scattered across many posts and threads.  My intro post had a good bit of backstory.  I don't particularly want to retype everything, but if you have any particular questions I don't mind answering them.  Feel free to ask .

The prom was wonderful last night.  I'll pay a full update on my lunch break.  For now a few photos.

[Northern Star Girl]

Hi Allison.  I did not know you were a little on my thread.  You should have spoken up sooner.  I don't bite ... much.

It is a horrible complicated friendship.  Hopefully it has become a lot less so.  Because of our condition (she is undiagnosed bpd, but definitely way too many symptoms) we just ate terrible at not making interpersonal relationships weird.  You are correct I was devastated when things fell apart before.  I blamed myself for so much that I didn't have control of in the first place.  It seems like she did that a bunch too, but at least looked like she managed it better.  It's hard to explain but the two of us instantly bonded and felt totally comfortable sharing things with each other (very atypical for both of us).

I have said a lot about my past though it may be scattered across many posts and threads.  My intro post had a good bit of backstory.  I don't particularly want to retype everything, but if you have any particular questions I don't mind answering them.  Feel free to ask .

The prom was wonderful last night.  I'll pay a full update on my lunch break.  For now a few photos.

Dear Amber:  Wow-whee....... It sounds like you had a lot of fun at your Adult Prom party.  You looked very pretty in your nice dress... I liked the dress style, particularly the peek-a-boo back.  The pictures you posted are terrific.  I really liked the last one with you and your wife... that is very neat for sure.

Oh yeah, I am so glad that I found your personal stories on this, your "complicated" thread....
......and I can testify to everyone that you do not bite, @Allison S please take note.
A lot about my personal story and past is also scattered across many posts on various threads but as you are aware lately I have been trying to keep a lot of it on my "hunted prey" thread.

I am so happy for you and your friend that you have been writing about...  I am very glad that you both salvaged the joint friendship...

As always, I look forward to reading your updates, and viewing your photos.
Thanks for keeping your thread current.
Hugs,
Danielle

[amberwaves]

So the other night the wife and I went to an adult prom.  It was a lot of fun.  We got to see friends that we haven't seen in years.  It was so awesome because these are people who definitely knew the old me and they acted and treated me as if I had always been a woman.  It was amusing because the one last and I have a history.  She asked me at one point, "we spent a lot of time together in high school, how did I not know?" I just told her that's it's because I didn't know either.

My wife is significantly shorter than I am.  Her head only comes up to my boobs.  After one of the dance she got her eating stuck in the lace of my dress. So her head was sick to my boobs, essentially.  After some struggle I finally manage to extricate her.  Or friends sitting at the table definitely notices and were laughing as we walked back over.  Sara just looks at them and says, "it was a booby trap". I lost it.  Jokes like that are why I keep her around.

My friend can't believe how much like my sister I look.  I actually look a bit of a mix between both my sister's, but they don't know the other one.  My friend Beth did comment that I make a hot lady.  When telling them my sister's comment when I came out to her (well you were never that masculine to begin with) they all just kind of shrugged like yeah that's true.  I wasn't effeminate, but I certainly want stereotypically masculine.

This is apparently an annual event.  We are planning to go next year.  Next time I'll have plenty of time to buy a dress.

In other news I got to spend my lunch break with my friend yesterday.  We definitely are on good terms now.  It's just amusing how similarly we deal with issues.  Turns out I want the only one blaming themselves hardcore for missing things up.  She asked me, "so does this mean we can hang out again now?" Absolutely!  Not sure when because of busy schedules, but we are going to have to figure something out.

I want to thank everyone for the compliments on my dress.  I think that one is so pretty.  I still have some weight to lose, but I'm getting there.  I can just imagine what I'll look like by the end.  I loved how my makeup turned out.  The bright red lipstick just pops.  I started to curl my hair, but realized it was taking forever and I didn't have enough time.  I have a ton of hair.  You can't necessarily tell but the individual strands are fairly fine, but there are just a ton of them.  I need a hair cut again, but I constantly find reasons to put it off.

[Northern Star Girl]

Amber.... that was a very nice, good news, happy and feel-good UPDATE that you just posted.   It appears that things are looking up for you and you relationships. 
I had to laugh out loud when I read the "booby trap" comment that your wife made. 
Oh, and I know how hard it is to have your hair cut.  I worked so hard for it seems like an eternity to finally have long hair that could be styled in various ways...  and to cut it just pains me ....  I keep putting it off also.
Hugs,
Danielle

[amberwaves]

Amber.... that was a very nice, good news, happy and feel-good UPDATE that you just posted.   It appears that things are looking up for you and you relationships. 
I had to laugh out loud when I read the "booby trap" comment that your wife made. 
Oh, and I know how hard it is to have your hair cut.  I worked so hard for it seems like an eternity to finally have long hair that could be styled in various ways...  and to cut it just pains me ....  I keep putting it off also.
Hugs,
Danielle

I mostly hate haircuts because I'm award and never know what to talk about in the chair.  Also I am really good about procrastinating.  I'm not getting much taken off, just clean it up and get some layers.  Also my bangs are haywire and need adjusted.  I need to re dye my hair soon too.  The roots are showing really badly and the color has faded a lot too.  My hair had never been good at holding color.  My friend questioned me about why I went red.  Then she admitted redheads really have the most fun and I see no reason to disagree with her.

My wife has a sense of humor very much like own.  It is the glue that holds is together.  It may not seem like it to others on here, but I'm real life I am a goof who is always making jokes.

[Allison S]

I mostly hate haircuts because I'm award and never know what to talk about in the chair.  Also I am really good about procrastinating.  I'm not getting much taken off, just clean it up and get some layers.  Also my bangs are haywire and need adjusted.  I need to re dye my hair soon too.  The roots are showing really badly and the color has faded a lot too.  My hair had never been good at holding color.  My friend questioned me about why I went red.  Then she admitted redheads really have the most fun and I see no reason to disagree with her.

My wife has a sense of humor very much like own.  It is the glue that holds is together.  It may not seem like it to others on here, but I'm real life I am a goof who is always making jokes.

Oh for suree you have me cackling in laughter earlier I'm a total goof too
It's so fun to play around with hair and change it. I think I'd sit there in silence watching every little thing they do to my hair lol they'd hate me as a client

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