Author Topic: Grrr, why is this so complicated?  (Read 29253 times)

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Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #300 on: April 27, 2018, 07:40:02 am »
So life is weird sometimes.  I am not really sure when, but somewhere over the past two years I stopped being an introvert.  I'm still not the life of the party, but I am remarkably more social and chatty than I ever was before.    Just to check I took a MBTI test.  I always got INTP well now the needle has shifted to just barely being ENTP.  What the heck?  It's a good change, but completely unexpected.  I've even started texting people beyond just a few close friends recently.  My wife got a chuckle because I had 4 different conversations going at once for a bit yesterday.  I share photos and talk with people and enjoy it...dear God, what has become of me?  Lol.  It's funny how different you can be when you are not miserable.  There always was a glimmer of an underlying charismatic person, but that only came out in rare instances.  Oh well, guess I'll have to resign myself to being awesome

Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #301 on: April 28, 2018, 03:21:34 pm »
So life is weird sometimes.  I am not really sure when, but somewhere over the past two years I stopped being an introvert.  I'm still not the life of the party, but I am remarkably more social and chatty than I ever was before.    Just to check I took a MBTI test.  I always got INTP well now the needle has shifted to just barely being ENTP.  What the heck?  It's a good change, but completely unexpected.  I've even started texting people beyond just a few close friends recently.  My wife got a chuckle because I had 4 different conversations going at once for a bit yesterday.  I share photos and talk with people and enjoy it...dear God, what has become of me?  Lol.  It's funny how different you can be when you are not miserable.  There always was a glimmer of an underlying charismatic person, but that only came out in rare instances.  Oh well, guess I'll have to resign myself to being awesome
What, this is news? I always knew you were awesome.
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
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Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #302 on: April 29, 2018, 11:59:58 am »
Well I didn't know and I never believe people when they tell me, either.  Tbf I still have a ways to go to be full-time awesome.  I just had 4 days off in a row from work.  I was productive on day 1 and then it went downhill from there.  True to form by day 4 I was just a miserable <not allowed>.  I hav no idea how I'll manage during the recovery period from surgery.  That is honestly the scariest part for me, I think.

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #303 on: May 03, 2018, 05:05:23 pm »
Lots of stuff happening.  Mostly good, some bad.  Full update later. New pictures on the fabulous thread.

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #304 on: May 04, 2018, 08:47:05 am »
Okay so time for another big ol update.  Things have been going well.  It astounds me how sociable I have become lately.  My phone is constantly buzzing at me as I keep four or five conversations going simultaneously.  I enjoy chatting with people and have even made plans to hang out with a few.  Looking back on my life I don't think it's so much that I was antisocial, so much as awkward and too busy being miserable.  It's kind of sad to think that I could have been like this my whole life, but no use dwelling on that fact.

I feel very confident that my friendship with Lia is in the clear and we are going to be able to be good friends for a long time.  All hints of awkwardness are gone and everything is as it was when we first became close friends, as if the last few months never happened.  It's funny I was on Skype with a friend and I got a text message.  I checked the message and she asked me if it was Lia that had sent the message.  Apparently my face must light up.  I told her that her and her crush totally need to go on a double date with my wife and I.  I am so glad these past few months of killing myself over things turning sour are over.

As many of you know I am not the most pleased with my job.  Things have improved over the past few weeks.  I'm still not happy with the pay, but it still serves it's purpose in paying the bills (mostly).  Earlier this week I had my evaluation, which was quite good, obviously.  The manager informed me that they are going to make me a full-time employee since I am valuable to the department and have been pretty much working full-time hours for months now.  If I wanted to, which long term planning-wise I don't, I could easily move up in the company.  For the moment I am content to sit where I am at.  I have too much life happening over the next few months to risk it.  My pay won't change with the bump to full-time, but I won't have to worry about not getting my hours in.  Plus I'll earn paid time off at over twice the rate of before.  Maybe I'll actually get to take a vacation someday .

It's pretty funny though because this happened the same day that I scheduled an interview for a part time job with another place.  I figure we could use the income to catch up and pad the bank account.  I have a friend who does massage at a float spa.  She told me how short handed they are.  So I sent my resume off and set up an interview.  Even with the change to full-time at my current place I would like to pick this up.  I have been working 40 a week anyway so there really is no change to my availability.  I'm excited to have a job where I don't have to dress in khakis and a polo.  The primary business there is floating.  Supposedly, it's very relaxing, but the maintenance and cleaning are significant for the staff.  As part of the interview I apparently am going to float for an hour first and then we will have the interview.  Not a bad deal since it costs about $80 to do so.  I guess employees get to float for free too.  I could use some relaxation in my life.  I hope it pans out.

I had to get my car inspected.  This is the last year it will pass without extensive and really expensive work.  I am pretty sure the only reason it passed this year was because my mechanic was being really really nice.  So sometime over the next year we have to decide whether to fix it or get a different vehicle.  Neither are great options.  Personally, I lean towards getting a tiny rice burner that is super cheap to run.  I do way too much driving these days.

I got my lab results back for my upcoming endocrinologist visit.  I am not pleased.  I am not pissed either, just frustrated.  On the positive everything looks good with my liver. I had a lipid panel done too (for a different Dr) and that looks absolutely amazing.  So I'm healthy at least.  My testosterone is still at 100.5.  we can't go any higher on the spironolactone due to potassium concerns.  I am still on the dosage we started at there.  My estradiol was 123.1.  this is slightly lower than it was 9 months ago.  This is despite raising the dosage.  I am quite literally at the highest dosage we will go.  I mean yes it's in the female ranges but we would like to see that number up over 150.

My theory is that my body is converting too much estradiol to estrone.  I don't have numbers to back that up, but I literally can't think of any other reason.  I will have to revisit some arguemebts I had previously with my Dr.  I don't see the need to try something different as far as antiandrogens are concerned.  I broached that subject back when the potassium problem first showed up and he didn't seem amenable.  The factories are going to be removed sometime in the next year anyway and I can live with it where it's at.  I will however discuss switching to injections.  I tried patches and didn't have very good absorption.  However, my Dr really doesn't like injections and says that it is really hard to get stable levels.  I understand his logic, but seeing as we've exhausted oral and can't seem to keep levels that stable anyway I feel his concern is unfounded in this case.  All said and done I've been feeling pretty good and have had good feminization over the past 20 months.  It really just irks me to not even be allowed to try something that might work better.  Anecdotal accounts of people on injections seem really positive.  I may have to consider switching Doctors too.

I dyed my hair two days ago and it got dark. I thought I had grabbed the same dye, but I guess I had accidentally grabbed the next darker shade.  Since my hair was already still fairly red it really took it.  This shade has an almost purplish/eggplant tone to it.  It looks good and I've been getting some good compliments, but it will take some adjustments.  I'm not unhappy with it, but it wasn't what I was going for.  Apparently I can rock every color, but my natural one.

I finally got a hair cut yesterday.  The stylist was so nice.  I am usually very awkward in the chair, but she was so nice and sociable we chatted the whole time.  This is the first time I've ever felt like "one of the girls" there.  It still surprised me sometimes that other people have no clue I'm trans.  We got to talking about her husband and "men".  When a phrase like, "I just don't understand what men are thinking sometimes" pops up it is really hard not to chime in with first hand experience.  I have finally shifted from short straight bangs to a longer sideswept bang.  It looks nice, but it does make me a little self conscious about my widow's peak and forehead.

I ran into a friend I haven't seen in a few months yesterday.  She asked me if I had lost weight.  I have actually only lost 5 pounds over the last 3 months or so.  I told her I still have 20 to lose and she balked.  I told her it's to get under the BMI requirement to have surgery (she knows I'm trans).  She was confused and asked how much I weigh.  The look of disbelief on her face when I told her I weigh 215 was very amusing.  I have always carried weight really well, plus now days it has been migrating to the right areas.  We made plans to get together this evening.  Should be good times.  She gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek.  It was so sweet, but I am still so awkward about such things.

Since I'm on the subject of physical appearance, I have noticed that I am turning into an hourglass shape.  I be want fully sure what to expect when I started, but I didn't really expect the "ideal" shape.  My sister's are both pears and my mom is closer to an apple.  Apparently though when my mom was younger she was an hourglass shape as well.  I was walking downtown the other day and caught a glimpse of my reflection in some glass.  I really don't see any hint of the guy I used to be left at all.  I really am looking pretty good these days and it's only going to get better as I shed these last pounds.

I was taking with Sara last night recounting my lunch break at work taking with some of my coworkers.  The one is relatively new and this is the first I've interacted.  I was joking about how I hang out with the pretty girls now days and how that's a change from the sky awkward me from before who wouldn't even approach a pretty girl.  Then I sort of gasped as it dawned on me and said, oh my God am I one of the pretty girls now too?  What happened to me? Lol. I then noticed that almost all my friends are young pretty girls.  Holy <poo> the real me is so much different than the old me.  All these things that I never would have expected when I started.

I went to the gym the other day and decided to try tanning to mitigate my ghostly visage.  Being a complete newb and too proud to ask advice I may have over done it a little.  By may, I mean I totally did.  By that evening I totally had some very uncomfortable sunburn on my upper thighs, stomach, back, groin (luckily I was smart enough to cover genitals), and butt cheeks.  It is really uncomfortable to try to sleep with a sunburnt butt.  Also my bra line got hit pretty good so that has made work so pleasant.  It's going away now but it's at that itchy stage.  I feel so crass constantly scratching my butt and under my boobs. Just beware Danielle, I'm getting ready for the bikini weather photo shoot .

Here's the photos I snapped and put up on the fabulous thread for those that don't follow it.



Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #305 on: May 04, 2018, 12:19:42 pm »
snipped to save space: 
Okay so time for another big ol update. Things have been going well.  It astounds me how sociable I have become lately.
    Wow, that is great news, sociable is good. 
    An old saying I use as my mantra is "If you want friends, be friendly"

Quote
I feel very confident that my friendship with Lia is in the clear and we are going to be able to be good friends for a long time.  All hints of awkwardness are gone...
    That is such good news, I know that per your previous posts that you were very disturbed over this.

Quote
As many of you know I am not the most pleased with my job.  Things have improved over the past few weeks.   
The manager informed me that they are going to make me a full-time employee since I am valuable to the department...
Maybe I'll actually get to take a vacation someday .
    That is terrific good news indeed.  At least you are doing better with this job and can be more picky and take your time looking for a better new job.  A job candidate is always more attractive to an employer if they are still working and have a job.

Quote
It's pretty funny though because this happened the same day that I scheduled an interview for a part time job with another place...     ... I hope it pans out.

Quote
I had to get my car inspected.  This is the last year it will pass without extensive and really expensive work.
    Been there and done that....  with things like that it might be best to upgrade to a newer car... I know that when I was in the same situation it was nice to get a newer car that I didn't have to immediately dump money into for brakes, tires, suspension, engine work etc... plus the upgrade in the interior and exterior is nice too.

Quote
I got my lab results back for my upcoming endocrinologist visit.  I am not pleased.  I am not pissed either, just frustrated.  On the positive everything looks good with my liver. I had a lipid panel done too (for a different Dr) and that looks absolutely amazing.  So I'm healthy at least.  My testosterone is still at 100.5.  we can't go any higher on the spironolactone due to potassium concerns.  I am still on the dosage we started at there.  My estradiol was 123.1.  this is slightly lower than it was 9 months ago.  This is despite raising the dosage.  I am quite literally at the highest dosage we will go.  I mean yes it's in the female ranges but we would like to see that number up over 150.
    Patience Amber, .... as you have read in many of my postings, every body reacts differently and at it's own speed to HRT.   Your Endo has to manage the delicate balance between your health (liver) with the progress wanted for your transition journey.   Patience is a virtue, and definitely required to your journey.  Hang in there, girl.

Quote
...  All said and done I've been feeling pretty good and have had good feminization over the past 20 months. 
    Well, what is wrong with that?  You indeed look very feminine in your pictures.  You should not have a lot to complain about there.

Quote
I dyed my hair two days ago and it got dark. I thought I had grabbed the same dye, but I guess I had accidentally grabbed the next darker shade.  Since my hair was already still fairly red it really took it.
    Oh, I knew you were going to talk about your Red Hair... you know that I have been smitten with it since I got onto Susan's.   I may try to be a Redhead sometime, that would be interesting for sure.

Quote
I finally got a hair cut yesterday.  The stylist was so nice.  I am usually very awkward in the chair, but she was so nice and sociable we chatted the whole time.  This is the first time I've ever felt like "one of the girls" there.  It still surprised me sometimes that other people have no clue I'm trans. ...
    I love going to the beauty shop for hair, nails, and stuff like that...  it is such an confidence building experience for me and is very affirming to my female transformation.   I am not surprised that people that you come across have no idea that you are a trans... you look absolutely passable.  I knew that I was ready to go Full Time when I had the same experiences with new acquaintances not knowing that I was a trans.

Quote
I ran into a friend I haven't seen in a few months yesterday.  She asked me if I had lost weight. ...  She gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek.  It was so sweet, but I am still so awkward about such things.
    That was a nice encounter with your friend, your awkwardness about such things will soon be a distant memory.

Quote
Since I'm on the subject of physical appearance, I have noticed that I am turning into an hourglass shape.  I be want fully sure what to expect when I started, but I didn't really expect the "ideal" shape. ... I was walking downtown the other day and caught a glimpse of my reflection in some glass.  I really don't see any hint of the guy I used to be left at all.  I really am looking pretty good these days and it's only going to get better as I shed these last pounds.
   Well, yes indeed you look very pretty....  and you don't have to be a skinny-minnie to have a nice shape and look like a beautiful woman.   Usually mirrors and cameras are not our friends when looking at our bodies!!! 

Quote
I was taking with Sara last night recounting my lunch break at work taking with some of my coworkers.  The one is relatively new and this is the first I've interacted.  I was joking about how I hang out with the pretty girls now days and how that's a change from the sky awkward me from before who wouldn't even approach a pretty girl.  Then I sort of gasped as it dawned on me and said, oh my God am I one of the pretty girls now too?  What happened to me? Lol. I then noticed that almost all my friends are young pretty girls.  Holy <poo> the real me is so much different than the old me.  All these things that I never would have expected when I started.
    Yes, for sure, the change we see with our new friends and fitting in with pretty females is one of the most amazing experiences as you have mentioned.   I am still amazed with how I fit in with my beautiful female friends.

Quote
I went to the gym the other day and decided to try tanning to mitigate my ghostly visage.  Being a complete newb and too proud to ask advice I may have over done it a little.  By may, I mean I totally did.  By that evening I totally had some very uncomfortable sunburn on my upper thighs, stomach, back, groin (luckily I was smart enough to cover genitals), and butt cheeks.  It is really uncomfortable to try to sleep with a sunburnt butt.  Also my bra line got hit pretty good so that has made work so pleasant.  It's going away now but it's at that itchy stage.  I feel so crass constantly scratching my butt and under my boobs. Just beware Danielle, I'm getting ready for the bikini weather photo shoot .
   Be very careful with the tanning beds and tanning booths... you were smart to cover up your most sensitive areas.
Hmmm, that bikini photo shoot sounds like a challenge to me. ::) >:-)

Quote
Here's the photos I snapped and put up on the fabulous thread for those that don't follow it.




    Oh YES, Amber, I did indeed see your photos on the "Fabulous" thread and was going to make a comment about them there, but I got sidetracked when I saw that you posted a long awaited UPDATE on your thread with the photos, so I dicided that I will make my comment here about them....  You Look Fabulous Darling.  Your 1st picture of you at work... you look beautiful and absolutely feminine with your hair and makeup.  Also I especially love your 2nd picture with your windblown look and what is that you are wearing? Sunglasses?  Ha, it must be warming up where you are.  Here we had snow yesterday and the temps at night are below freezing and daytime temps can never get above the low to mid 40's.  During the day it is coats, sweaters, hats, etc and when I get home at night I turn on my propane stove to get a boost to the heat in my home and I put on my sweats and after eating dinner I sit in my comfy chair front of the warm stove (fireplace insert) and read or surf on my laptop.
By the way, your new darker hair looks very lovely.   Hmmm, I am curious, just what is your hair's natural color anyway??
    I so much enjoyed reading your LOOONG update.  It is nice to hear and to see that things are generally going well for you.
Hugs and well wishes.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #306 on: May 07, 2018, 06:32:13 am »
snipped to save space:      Wow, that is great news, sociable is good. 
    An old saying I use as my mantra is "If you want friends, be friendly"
    That is such good news, I know that per your previous posts that you were very disturbed over this.
    That is terrific good news indeed.  At least you are doing better with this job and can be more picky and take your time looking for a better new job.  A job candidate is always more attractive to an employer if they are still working and have a job.
    Been there and done that....  with things like that it might be best to upgrade to a newer car... I know that when I was in the same situation it was nice to get a newer car that I didn't have to immediately dump money into for brakes, tires, suspension, engine work etc... plus the upgrade in the interior and exterior is nice too.
    Patience Amber, .... as you have read in many of my postings, every body reacts differently and at it's own speed to HRT.   Your Endo has to manage the delicate balance between your health (liver) with the progress wanted for your transition journey.   Patience is a virtue, and definitely required to your journey.  Hang in there, girl.
    Well, what is wrong with that?  You indeed look very feminine in your pictures.  You should not have a lot to complain about there.
    Oh, I knew you were going to talk about your Red Hair... you know that I have been smitten with it since I got onto Susan's.   I may try to be a Redhead sometime, that would be interesting for sure.
    I love going to the beauty shop for hair, nails, and stuff like that...  it is such an confidence building experience for me and is very affirming to my female transformation.   I am not surprised that people that you come across have no idea that you are a trans... you look absolutely passable.  I knew that I was ready to go Full Time when I had the same experiences with new acquaintances not knowing that I was a trans.
    That was a nice encounter with your friend, your awkwardness about such things will soon be a distant memory.
   Well, yes indeed you look very pretty....  and you don't have to be a skinny-minnie to have a nice shape and look like a beautiful woman.   Usually mirrors and cameras are not our friends when looking at our bodies!!! 
    Yes, for sure, the change we see with our new friends and fitting in with pretty females is one of the most amazing experiences as you have mentioned.   I am still amazed with how I fit in with my beautiful female friends.
   Be very careful with the tanning beds and tanning booths... you were smart to cover up your most sensitive areas.
Hmmm, that bikini photo shoot sounds like a challenge to me. ::) >:-)

    Oh YES, Amber, I did indeed see your photos on the "Fabulous" thread and was going to make a comment about them there, but I got sidetracked when I saw that you posted a long awaited UPDATE on your thread with the photos, so I dicided that I will make my comment here about them....  You Look Fabulous Darling.  Your 1st picture of you at work... you look beautiful and absolutely feminine with your hair and makeup.  Also I especially love your 2nd picture with your windblown look and what is that you are wearing? Sunglasses?  Ha, it must be warming up where you are.  Here we had snow yesterday and the temps at night are below freezing and daytime temps can never get above the low to mid 40's.  During the day it is coats, sweaters, hats, etc and when I get home at night I turn on my propane stove to get a boost to the heat in my home and I put on my sweats and after eating dinner I sit in my comfy chair front of the warm stove (fireplace insert) and read or surf on my laptop.
By the way, your new darker hair looks very lovely.   Hmmm, I am curious, just what is your hair's natural color anyway??
    I so much enjoyed reading your LOOONG update.  It is nice to hear and to see that things are generally going well for you.
Hugs and well wishes.
Danielle
Pretty sure the challenge was on from the swimsuit thread.  It's a competition I'm willing to lose.  When you do get that 1 day off nice weather up there

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #307 on: May 07, 2018, 07:27:20 pm »
Well today can go screw itself.  Had an interview for a part time job.  That was unlike any interview I've ever had.  Let's just say that I suspect no answer is right.  Now I feel like <poo> after fighting off the self loathing for 4 hours.  Yay for binge eating and self injurious behavior.  Fml.  Not sure why I bother sometimes.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #308 on: May 07, 2018, 08:02:15 pm »
Well today can go screw itself.  Had an interview for a part time job.  That was unlike any interview I've ever had.  Let's just say that I suspect no answer is right.  Now I feel like <poo> after fighting off the self loathing for 4 hours.  Yay for binge eating and self injurious behavior.  Fml.  Not sure why I bother sometimes.

Amber:  So sorry to hear about your <poor> day and the possible part time job situation.
Life if full of disappoints, frustrations and rejections.....  it is not always your fault, not is it to be blamed on bad karma.
Bad things happen to good people.  What is important is that we stay positive and believe in ourselves.   
Regarding jobs and any other endeavor, one needs to stay positive and don't get down on yourself and be depressed over these kinds of things.   
Persistence, determination and self confidence is the best avenue to take.  Keep putting applications out there, keep going to job interviews and keep your options open.... and certainly don't quit any job that you have without having another one lined up...   Job candidates are much more attractive to a future employer if they still have a job.
Pull yourself up and get back on the horse!!!

Oh, binge eating...   is chocolate involved???

Best wishes to you... and HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #309 on: May 08, 2018, 03:38:26 am »


Amber:  So sorry to hear about your <poor> day and the possible part time job situation.
Life if full of disappoints, frustrations and rejections.....  it is not always your fault, not is it to be blamed on bad karma.
Bad things happen to good people.  What is important is that we stay positive and believe in ourselves.   
Regarding jobs and any other endeavor, one needs to stay positive and don't get down on yourself and be depressed over these kinds of things.   
Persistence, determination and self confidence is the best avenue to take.  Keep putting applications out there, keep going to job interviews and keep your options open.... and certainly don't quit any job that you have without having another one lined up...   Job candidates are much more attractive to a future employer if they still have a job.
Pull yourself up and get back on the horse!!!

Oh, binge eating...   is chocolate involved???

Best wishes to you... and HUGS,
Danielle

Staying positive is not one of my traits.

It has nothing to do with whether I get this particular job or not, so much as how I feel about the interview itself.  It was incredibly personal.  We barely discussed the job at all.  It was legitimately all about me.  (Trust me, I would rather discuss my work history and ethic rather than myself).  It felt like no answer was satisfactory.  I hate that feeling.  It feels so overwhelmingly strongly that I, as a person, am not good enough.  It's not rational, but look up the diagnostic criteria of borderline personality disorder once and see how that can be devastating.  Even now when I think about yesterday, and trust me it's been on repeat in my brain, I feel the overwhelming urge to hit.

No binge eating does not include chocolate for me.  It was more like 6000 calories worth of Taco Bell.

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #310 on: May 08, 2018, 06:15:42 am »
Well when it rains it pours I guess.  I've managed to screw our finances up, again.  No we are pretty much boned for the next 2 months minimum.  I'm so sick of stumbling from one catastrophe to the next.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #311 on: May 08, 2018, 09:09:31 am »
Well when it rains it pours I guess.  I've managed to screw our finances up, again.  No we are pretty much boned for the next 2 months minimum.  I'm so sick of stumbling from one catastrophe to the next.

Amber
... don't think that you are all alone with stumbling in and out of catastrophes...  we all can get into tight spots at times.  When that happens we need to keep forging ahead and try to address each problem as it arises.  It's like writing a long report...  one page at a time instead of looking at the entire big task that looks overwhelming but breaking it up into smaller and more quickly resolved tasks can help with conquering  some of , the issues you are experiencing.

I am sorry to hear about your job interview that went sideways....  that is behind you now, so go out there to more job interviews.... be persistent, hold your head high, smile, and be seen as a confident and self assured future employee!

I wish I had a magic wand to help you with all of this...  but it got broken when I came out to my family.
Best wishes to you... as always.
Hugs,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #312 on: May 08, 2018, 09:13:57 am »



I wish I had a magic wand to help you with all of this...  but it got broken when I came out to my family.
Best wishes to you... as always.
Hugs,
Danielle

I don't think you need a magic wand.  You carry the magic around inside you.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #313 on: May 08, 2018, 09:28:32 am »

I don't think you need a magic wand.  You carry the magic around inside you.

Amber.... thank you for your sweet comment....   
I think you know what my follow up remark will be... so here it is...

We all have "magic" inside of us... we just have to recognize it and release it.   A positive and glass half-full attitude does wonders for finding solutions to problems.
If one thinks that they are going to fail at something, they will probably find a way to do just that.

Hang in there Amber.  I am rooting for you and I always look forward to your posts.
Hugs,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #314 on: May 13, 2018, 10:04:00 pm »
A mix of the good bad and ugly the last few days. 

The good is I've been able to hang out with friends on occasion.  One of my friends has really opened up to me and that's pretty awesome.  Another had been incredibly supportive and there for me lately and that is pretty cool too. I don't have to switch my therapist, yet.  That's really good news.  Also, she told me that I am her number one client for outfit envy.  I apparently wear the cutest outfits.


The bad is that I got chewed out at work the other day.  It's not really my fault, but more the department in general.  However, since I have zero ability to stand up for myself I just take it.
The ugly is that chewing it has cut me to the core.  It set of a deep bout of self loathing that ended up with me sleeping for 21 hours and being a miserable c word for the rest of the last 2 days.  It's coupled with something my one friend said to me that I'd rather not share, but she's right and I know it and the implications have me feeling terrible. I've already cried twice today and I just hate having pity parties for myself.

I don't get it.  People seem to see this awesome person, but I just don't.  I have my moments, but a lot of the time I am kind of a whiny, insecure <not allowed>.  They all see how smart and talented I am, but all I see is failure to do anything with those gifts.  They see someone beautiful and I just see ok. 

I guess I'm just feeling rather lost and clueless at the moment.  Hopefully, something good happens soon.  I hate feeling like this.  If this post seems like a downer then you should have seen what I was like earlier

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #315 on: May 13, 2018, 11:32:36 pm »
A mix of the good bad and ugly the last few days. 

The good is I've been able to hang out with friends on occasion.  One of my friends has really opened up to me and that's pretty awesome.  Another had been incredibly supportive and there for me lately and that is pretty cool too. I don't have to switch my therapist, yet.  That's really good news.  Also, she told me that I am her number one client for outfit envy.  I apparently wear the cutest outfits.


The bad is that I got chewed out at work the other day.  It's not really my fault, but more the department in general.  However, since I have zero ability to stand up for myself I just take it.
The ugly is that chewing it has cut me to the core.  It set of a deep bout of self loathing that ended up with me sleeping for 21 hours and being a miserable c word for the rest of the last 2 days.  It's coupled with something my one friend said to me that I'd rather not share, but she's right and I know it and the implications have me feeling terrible. I've already cried twice today and I just hate having pity parties for myself.

I don't get it.  People seem to see this awesome person, but I just don't.  I have my moments, but a lot of the time I am kind of a whiny, insecure <not allowed>.  They all see how smart and talented I am, but all I see is failure to do anything with those gifts.  They see someone beautiful and I just see ok. 

I guess I'm just feeling rather lost and clueless at the moment.  Hopefully, something good happens soon.  I hate feeling like this.  If this post seems like a downer then you should have seen what I was like earlier

Amber... you are much better and much more that you described... you are indeed an awesome person,  you are smart and talented, and YES, you are beautiful.  ... and your are my favorite redhead.
Hugs,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #316 on: May 14, 2018, 07:43:55 am »
I feel like this thread has become pointless.  It seems to be a series of I post complaining about being me, Danielle says something nice, a week passes, lather, rinse, repeat.  Maybe I should let this go defunct...

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #317 on: May 14, 2018, 08:05:14 am »
I feel like this thread has become pointless.  It seems to be a series of I post complaining about being me, Danielle says something nice, a week passes, lather, rinse, repeat. Maybe I should let this go defunct...

Dear Amber  ....   I don't think that is a very good idea.   Keeping your thread going can be good therapy...  plus, it can be edifying to others to read that are going through similar issues in their transition journey and their life.

I know that when I have emotional, relationship, and life difficulties that I make a point of sitting down and writing about it.
Obviously we don't want to necessarily share our deepest and darkest personal moments and worst times here on our semi-public threads on Susan's but we can vent our feelings and frustrations with others here that have similar frustrations, goals and aspirations about being transgender.

I personally keep a pen and paper personal journal to help me to keep track of myself and to work out my most mentally upsetting life events and ALSO to celebrate my most joyous, enjoyable and happiest life events.   
Complete with scratched out lines, small added text, scribbles and even doodling little pictures... my personal hand written journal is a great place to escape to when life throws me a big curve ball.   

And yes, Amber
, I see that you do have your moments of complaining about yourself.... hey girl, we all do, some of us just hide it better than others.   Please continue to utilize your thread for yourself and for us.... and perhaps try the hand written journal idea as well....
but for sure, DO NOT HOLD ALL OF YOUR FRUSTRATIONS INSIDE YOU....
.... for your own well-being and sanity you must give those frustrations a place to vent.

Hugs and well wishes to my pretty Red-headed friend,
Danielle
               *Note:  end of Danielle saying something nice for now




***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline steph2.0

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #318 on: May 14, 2018, 08:11:40 am »
Hi Amber,

Please don’t stop. I’m out here cheering silently for you, as I suspect many others are. I regret never having said so before, but it may have something to do with the fact that you’re kind of intimidatingly beautiful. That, along with having to deal with my own issues, many of which are similar to yours, has kept me in my own world, when I should be more like Danielle.

What we’re going through makes it so easy to be badly bruised by the slightest little bump. You really are doing amazingly well, and there are plenty of people out here, myself included, who are envious of your many successes. Please try to really believe that, because it’s true.

Be Well...


 - Stephanie
Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * Facelift and Lipo Body Sculpting at Ocean Clinic 6/13-14/2019 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/11/2019 * Name and Gender Change on Birth Certificate 11/21/2019 * Accepted Internally That Transition is Completed 11/28/2019

Offline amberwaves

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Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
« Reply #319 on: May 14, 2018, 08:39:09 am »


Hi Amber,

Please don’t stop. I’m out here cheering silently for you, as I suspect many others are. I regret never having said so before, but it may have something to do with the fact that you’re kind of intimidatingly beautiful. That, along with having to deal with my own issues, many of which are similar to yours, has kept me in my own world, when I should be more like Danielle.

What we’re going through makes it so easy to be badly bruised by the slightest little bump. You really are doing amazingly well, and there are plenty of people out here, myself included, who are envious of your many successes. Please try to really believe that, because it’s true.

Be Well...


 - Stephanie

If this were pokemon I would say that a wild lurker has appeared.  It's been speculated that people are silently reading along, but it does surprise me.  I must say this is the first time I've ever been called intimidatingly beautiful 🤯.  There are so many prettier girls on this site.  I'm mostly a nice person, and this goes out to all the other lurkers, please speak up.  The honest truth is I feel amazingly insecure about the fact that no one, sans Danielle and occasionally Ellie and Laurie, say anything.  It's yet another one of those things I am working on. 

I find it particularly confusing that if many of our issues are similar, that you wouldn't reach out for some sense of solidarity.  I don't think my successes are particularly noteworthy.  I have been incredibly lucky and blessed in my transition, but I still deal with many of the same issues everyone else does.  I typically speak more about my life and emotional issues than anything else because they are typically the pressing issues at the time.  I have managed to clear most of the transition hurdles and an just kind of in a holding pattern until surgery.

It's going to take a good long while to process that I am intimidating for reasons I never suspected.  Thank you for chiming in and giving me something to think about.

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