Author Topic: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf  (Read 2382 times)

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yellow submarine

Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« on: October 02, 2017, 04:39:38 am »
He told me on Friday night, my emotions have been all over the place. One minute I'm ok with it, the next I'm grieving for the future loss of my male partner.  I want to support him, but I'm so scared for the future. We have a 1 year old son together, we were (are?) going to be married. There doesn't seem to be much support out there for the partners of trans people.  :-\

I guess I just need someone to talk to sometimes.

Offline LizK

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2017, 05:33:24 am »
He told me on Friday night, my emotions have been all over the place. One minute I'm ok with it, the next I'm grieving for the future loss of my male partner.  I want to support him, but I'm so scared for the future. We have a 1 year old son together, we were (are?) going to be married. There doesn't seem to be much support out there for the partners of trans people.  :-\

I guess I just need someone to talk to sometimes.

Dear Yellow Submarine

Welcome to Susan's

Glad you found us. There are a number of partners here of trans people. I am sure they will be along to welcome you as well. IMHO it is important for you to ensure that you are happy not just your partner. My wife and I have stayed together and she knew I had gender issues before marrying me. That is not to say that you should be the same. Each of us are different and if your partner is wanting to transition then you need to be doing whats best for you as well as your partner. Staying together can be hard work with some great rewards.


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Offline elkie-t

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2017, 06:11:16 am »
He told me on Friday night, my emotions have been all over the place. One minute I'm ok with it, the next I'm grieving for the future loss of my male partner.  I want to support him, but I'm so scared for the future. We have a 1 year old son together, we were (are?) going to be married. There doesn't seem to be much support out there for the partners of trans people.  :-\

I guess I just need someone to talk to sometimes.
Dear YS, thanks for trying to support your fiancé. I know you did not sign up for this, but neither is your partner.
Try to rationalize your fears. This society is kind of accepting non-conforming partners and while you might lose some friends - you will meet other people along the road. And speaking of a child - children learn what is acceptable or not from their parents. And I am most certain that some qualities you love in your husband might be linked to his feminine side... Try to suppress it and you might find those good qualities lost.

Good luck, I hope you decide to give it a ride and explore that new road with your partner. Don't overthink too much about the future - we make plans and god laughs at them (and throws a monkey wrench).

Offline bethanyz

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2017, 09:24:46 am »
Hello Yellow Submarine,

i'm a cis woman with a MTF girlfriend.  hugs you.  you aren't alone.  your emotions will be tested here, but remember that you're allowed your feelings.  get professional help if you can.  it really makes a huge difference.  i look at it like an amazing adventure with my amazing partner.  it's my job as her partner to support her in her needs, she does the same for me.  it'll all work out the way it's supposed to.

warm regards,

bethanyz

Offline LaRell

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2017, 11:52:10 am »
Welcome!  I myself recently rocked my poor wife's world when I just could not live the lie anymore.  I have seen her go through what you are likely going through right now.   She had dreams of her and her manly husband living happily ever after, and growing old together.  Then I go and shatter all of that by telling her I never was the man she thought I was.  She naturally grieves the loss of her man, but over time, she has been very good about being very supportive and selfless and wanting what is best for me, rather than herself.  And it's amazing.

  I think if you spend some time rather than strictly focusing on trying to find support, instead spending a lot of time trying to understand how we transgender people think and the struggles we go through, and I bet you will find yourself feeling a little more at ease.  I hope you don't have any feelings of taking it personal in any way.  I have seen that happen, where I spouse, fiance, boy friend, girl friend feels like maybe it's because they are not good enough or something.  Your mind can play some very cruel tricks on you like that.  Your fiance most likely has been dealing with these feelings for their entire life, and it is only when it finally got too painful to hold in any longer, that it finally came out.  It can be an extremely difficult thing to break to someone.  Especially someone who is going to be so drastically affected by it like a fiance or spouse. 

  Most marriages end once this kind of news comes out.  Because for many women, it is a deal breaker for their husband to become their wife.  Or for men, for their wife to become their husband.  I love and adore my wifes feminine girly self much like she loved my masculine manly self.  So putting myself in her shoes, if she were to come to me and tell me she wants to have a penis and be my man, that would really freak me out, and I'm not sure how I would handle that.  Because I am not at all attracted to men.  So I don't know how in the world she is handling it.  But she is dealing quite well with it amazingly, and just loving me and supporting me, and taking me shopping for cute clothes and things and it is amazing!  It is so amazing to have that love and support despite such a life altering revelation.  I wish all transgender people could have that kind of love and support and acceptance in their lives.

  The percentage of transgender people who commit suicide is quite high.  And that is not necesarilly because of the transgenderism itself.  It's not like it's a mental condition that makes you more susceptible to suicide.  The main reasons for suicide, are a lack of love and support and acceptance and belonging.  Knowing that you cannot be accepted for who you are because so many people think it is so weird.  Watching your family members and spouse or fiance pull away from you at a time of your greatest need.  It can all be very psychologically harmful to someone dealing with this.  Knowing you can't change, yet knowing that being the way you are, and dressing the way you want and need to to feel right about yourself, brings so much judgement and odd stares and things.  It can be too much after a while.   So I don't know what the future holds in store for you and your fiance.  But just know, that they are going through a lot, and so are you, and you both need love and support.  When a person transitions, it is not only them transitioning.  Everyone around them also has to go through a transition of sorts themselves.  And a lot of us trans people recognize that, and we try to be careful not to do too much too fast, because we do love and care about our partners and want them to be happy too.   You may actually find that as you show your fiance love and support, they will likely become much happier and as a result may even treat you better and more loving, and you might find that you love their "out self" way more even though certain aspects of the relationship are going out the window.

  Just some thoughts from a transwoman who is married to a straight, cis woman. :-)

Offline SadieBlake

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2017, 01:41:49 pm »
My gf knew me as transfeminine for all of our relationship, however wasn't a fan of the concept of transition. So far I guess we're the exception, we've lived as lesbians for many years, the only difference now is the "insert tab A into slot B" part of sex needs toys.
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yellow submarine

Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #6 on: October 02, 2017, 03:42:25 pm »
I love him support him 100% with whatever he decides. I understand how hard it is for him, and we have been talking through our feelings. At this stage I'm willing to work with him and stick by him, but I'm so scared. We're both going to get a therapist. I just wanted somewhere I can go to get support, and to talk to people who have been through similar things.

Offline SadieBlake

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #7 on: October 02, 2017, 04:51:35 pm »
Yep, this is a decent place for that, I might be able to get my gf to talk to you.
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Offline bethanyz

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #8 on: October 03, 2017, 07:31:39 pm »
I love him support him 100% with whatever he decides. I understand how hard it is for him, and we have been talking through our feelings. At this stage I'm willing to work with him and stick by him, but I'm so scared. We're both going to get a therapist. I just wanted somewhere I can go to get support, and to talk to people who have been through similar things.

hugs you yellow submarine.  you're both so brave.  it's brave to even consider transition.  it's brave to look past the boxes that society has set.  it really is ok to have all of the feels.  being scared is normal, it passes.  it's super important to talk about and consider each other's feels, communicate and share the love.  ask for help, it can come from unexpected places. 

i've also found reading older threads here is super helpful.  it's amazing to read people's stories, get different perspectives.  it's beautiful to watch people evolve, in real life and through a computer screen.  i'm so incredibly honored that my MTF girlfriend has included me in her transition.  it's incredibly beautiful to watch her appreciate taste, sound, sight so differently now that she's on HRT.  it's amazing to watch her body slowly change.  and it's incredibly gratifying to see her as happy as i ever have. 

warm regards,

bethanyz

rmaddy

Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #9 on: October 03, 2017, 09:59:06 pm »
Yellow,

Welcome.  I'm so sorry for your shock.  Feel what you feel.

Transmarriages can and do survive, if that's what you both end up wanting.  Right now there's just a lot of hurt, and we're here for your support.

I wish you the very best.

Renae

Offline JoanneW

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #10 on: October 04, 2017, 03:39:14 am »
Just got to say, yellow submarine, you sound like an amazing woman.

Offline JoanneB

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2017, 06:13:05 pm »
I love him support him 100% with whatever he decides. I understand how hard it is for him, and we have been talking through our feelings. At this stage I'm willing to work with him and stick by him, but I'm so scared. We're both going to get a therapist. I just wanted somewhere I can go to get support, and to talk to people who have been through similar things.
Yes, there in NOTHING in the world that can close to being in a room filled with people who are, or had, gone through a lot of what presently are. From what I've seen many Gender Therapist also say LGBT Couples counseling, so joint sessions are a possibility.

You should definitely look for a spouse/SO support group nearby. This way you can have a No-Holds-Bared, bearing of your soul, and unfiltered emotions, with other SO's... ONLY. Let's face it, you want to be supportive, and you want to vent. A joint session with a therapist is for "The Us". You also need to take of "The You".

It took my wife.... nah, she still hasn't, gotten over me dropping the T-Bomb some 8 years ago. We are still feeling our way through the darkness. Her feelings are legitimate. I did totally and unilaterally redefined the relationship. Her need to allow me access to joy and happiness, helped to balance the feelings of betrayal, and the endless "If I ONLY Knew...." feelings.
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yellow submarine

Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #12 on: October 07, 2017, 02:34:59 am »
Thanks for your replies. Still feeling a rollercoaster of emotions, but I got myself a mental health plan so I can go ahead with therapy. My partner hasn't been so lucky, as the gp he saw just dismissed his issues and told him to keep going with the antidepressants. He's been questioning himself and wondering if he really is trans or not one day, then talking about transitioning the next. Not sure where to go from here.

Offline amandam

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #13 on: October 07, 2017, 02:48:30 am »
I've finally accepted myself as trans. That doesn't mean I'll transition or take hormones. I might, but I don't know yet. You just have to follow the road to see where you end up. My feelings go back and forth like your boyfriend's. Some days I want to be a girl so much it hurts. I see pretty girls and feel depressed and cursed. Other days, I'm kinda okay being like I am. It'll take time.

Offline elkie-t

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #14 on: October 07, 2017, 07:59:53 am »
Thanks for your replies. Still feeling a rollercoaster of emotions, but I got myself a mental health plan so I can go ahead with therapy. My partner hasn't been so lucky, as the gp he saw just dismissed his issues and told him to keep going with the antidepressants. He's been questioning himself and wondering if he really is trans or not one day, then talking about transitioning the next. Not sure where to go from here.
You can give your partner (they/them) some girly underwear to wear to bed - some nice panties, and a nightie... I bet they would wear it every night... You can offer them to help buying some girly daytime underwear that you'll be ok if they wear - and I can bet that would be the last time they would be wearing their male undies....

That is innocent and safe enough... Might cure of all need for anti-depressants. And should give you a good idea if they are somewhere on transgender spectrum, or not. (They are, and it doesn't come one day and goes another - but we might have stronger need to hide it some days and deny it's existence - especially if our perception is that our partners are hurt and not supporting).

Offline Dena

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #15 on: October 07, 2017, 10:52:54 am »
Your partner needs to see a therapist. If this means bypassing or replacing your GP, that's what you will have to do. If possible, you may have to contact a gender treatment program directly instead of being referred. The main goal would be to put your SO in contact with a gender therapist where true discovery could take place.
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rmaddy

Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #16 on: October 07, 2017, 11:35:24 am »
You can give your partner (they/them) some girly underwear to wear to bed - some nice panties, and a nightie... I bet they would wear it every night... You can offer them to help buying some girly daytime underwear that you'll be ok if they wear - and I can bet that would be the last time they would be wearing their male undies....

That is innocent and safe enough... Might cure of all need for anti-depressants. And should give you a good idea if they are somewhere on transgender spectrum, or not. (They are, and it doesn't come one day and goes another - but we might have stronger need to hide it some days and deny it's existence - especially if our perception is that our partners are hurt and not supporting).

Asking the shocked partner to take over crossdressing play when she hasn't even fully processed what is going on and the trans partner isn't getting therapy seems a bit harsh, doesn't it?

Talk.  Talk.  Talk some more.

To the trans partner, include the disruption of your partner's expectations high in the list of things you need to process.  To the non-trans partner, learn as much as you can about trans issues and get to know other partners of trans people if all all feasible.  Consider attending PFLAG if there is a chapter in your area, especially if you have no real connection to the LGBT community.


Offline bethanyz

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #17 on: October 07, 2017, 12:01:39 pm »
Thanks for your replies. Still feeling a rollercoaster of emotions, but I got myself a mental health plan so I can go ahead with therapy. My partner hasn't been so lucky, as the gp he saw just dismissed his issues and told him to keep going with the antidepressants. He's been questioning himself and wondering if he really is trans or not one day, then talking about transitioning the next. Not sure where to go from here.

Oh yellow submarine,

such a difficult situation.  good for you to go out and line up help for yourself.  i feel genuinely bad for your partner.  I would strongly suggest finding a different GP, and a good therapist if possible.  keep feeling the feels and talk about them.  communication is really key!!

things change all the time, minds change all the time.  my girlfriend changes how she feels about the things that matter to her as they come up.  now that she's on hormones, the choices change a little faster and so does her decisions about certain things.  in her case, she just wants to "be there" already!  i get it.  it's important to me to be supportive of what she needs.  i tend to just roll with whatever the day brings. 

hugs you, hang in there!  and keep posting.  i think you're incredibly brave.

Offline elkie-t

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #18 on: October 07, 2017, 02:34:18 pm »
Asking the shocked partner to take over crossdressing play when she hasn't even fully processed what is going on and the trans partner isn't getting therapy seems a bit harsh, doesn't it?
Just throwing an idea... my understanding was that it might help them both (the op & her fiancé), but the op knows herself better, and could just ignore my post if she doesn't think it's a good idea, or if she doesn't want to go that route.

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Fiance recently came out as trans, mtf
« Reply #19 on: October 08, 2017, 05:53:58 pm »
My partner hasn't been so lucky, as the gp he saw just dismissed his issues and told him to keep going with the antidepressants.
Absolutely do not allow a GP to dismiss gender issues as depression.  If your partner is depressed because of gender issues, antidepressants will not make them go away.  They need proper qualified gender therapy to work out what exactly they want and how to achieve it.  It is time to see another doctor, or self-refer to a gender therapist.
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