Author Topic: Wandering down gender road  (Read 4190 times)

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Offline pamelatransuk

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #40 on: October 25, 2018, 06:28:11 am »
Hello again Nikki

I have been following your story since inception (I was just reading until I joined as a Member in January).

Many of us myself included obsess about gender; it is after all one of the customary aspects of being trans - we constantly think of the misalignment of body to mind.

So sorry you had the months delay due to the necessity of statins.

However congratulations on starting HRT - its a wonderful feeling as you apply the first patch and take the first tablet, isn't it? You'll remember both events forever!

I wish you every happiness on your journey

Hugs

Pamela






Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #41 on: October 25, 2018, 06:38:02 am »
Nikki, congratulations on starting HRT!  That is fantastic!  Be sure to let us know how it goes.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS!; 2020-09-30 New birth certificate; 2021-03-10 consultation for ongoing pain




Offline Another Nikki

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #42 on: November 02, 2018, 11:34:05 pm »
Today I noticed I wasn’t thinking about gender much.  Since April of 2016, gender has occupied my thoughts unless some pressing problem or important task needed my attention.  It was really nice to have my brain back.  If it continues, I might be able to read books again.  I used to be a voracious reader.

“What you know, you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life—that there is something wrong. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.”

Offline Sarah77

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Re: My Major Hurdle
« Reply #43 on: November 03, 2018, 06:13:56 am »
Sorry that salesperson gave you grief . I had a very similar experience. It wasn't disapproval in my case; the person just pointed out that I had selected womens frames, I simply agreed that yes they were. And then picking them up the next day,  another staff member commented on the 'bold'  colour choice haha.

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I find either sales staff silently dissaprove or say something really positive to make you feel at ease. Usually the younger, the nicer

Offline Another Nikki

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #44 on: November 20, 2018, 12:50:17 am »
So, 4 weeks in on hrt and no physical effects other than dryer skin.

I did notice around day ten I was wandering around walmart shopping, and i wasn’t thinking about gender, or transition or envying some of the women in the store.  that was nice.  so i would say that generally speaking hrt has taken the edge off the dysphoria, which has been very welcome.  The angst and urgency regarding transition is reduced.
“What you know, you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life—that there is something wrong. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.”

Offline Another Nikki

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #45 on: January 02, 2019, 12:08:13 pm »
9 weeks in on hrt.  Around week 5 or 6 my boobs starting aching and became sensitive to inadvertent impacts.  i carried a ream of paper inside and bumped into the doorframe, which forced the corner of the paper into a boob.  Yikes!!!

I had a few episodes of anxiety...thinking “really?  are you really doing this?  you’re really going to stay on this meds for the rest of your life,  increase your risk of heart disease, dvt and whatever else?  you’re going to ruin a pretty decent 47 year old body for this?  if you get to the point where you can’t hide it, are you going to live openly as a transgender person?”

unfortunately my therapist had to cancel our december appointment so i just had to work my way through it.  i recalled the stories on here from other transwomen (thanks kathy lauren!) about having the doubts early on, staying the course and having the doubts largely resolve.  that’s happened.  i look in the mirror, see my body changing, and that makes me happy.

The emotional changes are happening.  I cry and laugh easier and more frequently, and i also rebound from crying faster...it doesn’t linger.  Libido is way down and similar to some people’s experiences, i don’t really miss it.  Getting mad is a different experience.  I don’t have intensity of anger that i did previously.

i’m also starting to believe the way i think is changing.  it’s difficult to describe...but it feels like the way my brain works is a little different.  I’m also starting to believe or accept that my gender was never really male...i performed that role pretty well, but as i peel back the onion i’m starting to see my past more clearly.  i suppressed quite a bit.
“What you know, you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life—that there is something wrong. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.”

Offline Another Nikki

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #46 on: January 02, 2019, 12:20:28 pm »
I was having some GI issues that i was able to isolate to spiro.  i stopped taking it for a few days and the issues resolved.  i had been lackadaisical about taking it with food.  I also think my body is pretty sensitive to it, and my GI system is sensitive in general.  My T went to almost zero on a on initial dose.  My doc and i discussed halving my dose previously to get my T up a bit since I’m not planning on socially transitioning for a while.

So I did, and was diligent about taking them with a meal, and so far i seem to tolerate it.  today i took the full dose again to see what happens.

“What you know, you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life—that there is something wrong. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.”

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #47 on: January 02, 2019, 12:31:45 pm »
@Another Nikki
Dear Nikki:
This is certainly an exciting report at your beginning stages of HRT...  it is completely normal what you are feeling and seeing in your nipples and breasts...  in my own experience in just 3 or 4 weeks I had much soreness, lumps (breast buds) forming under the nipples and in my case my nipples were very erect and sensitive most of the time....  then at 2 or 3 months into HRT most transitioners will start seeing things happening more significantly and at a quicker rate including possibly changes in body hair growth, your own body and urine smell, changes in erections becoming less intense, libido, etc.

All of this is completely determined by your own unique body.   What you read about other transitioning members experiences with HRT most likely will not be identical to your own experiences.

The adage that you have probably already heard regarding HRT and how it may work for various individuals  is "YMMV"  meaning that Your Mileage May Vary.
Some will experience more significant changes more quickly and then some will experience less significant changes more slowly....   it is all up to your genes and how your body reacts to the HRT. 
 
You will probably not see dramatic changes on a daily or weekly basis.  I found that by taking my photo once a month that when compared with previous monthly photos, the changes were noticeable and very motivating to me.

Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.
Wishing you well, and I will be eagerly following your transition progress as you feel free to post and to share.
Hugs, and well wishes.
Danielle
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Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Another Nikki

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #48 on: January 02, 2019, 12:42:18 pm »
In November my labs came back with E and T in normal, pre-menopause, mid-cycle female range, on typical initial dosing of E and Spiro.  I was a little angsty about it because i had convinced myself i would get less physical effects on the low dose, get confirmation ala Anne Vitale’s theory of trans confirmation via hrt, and get relief from GD.

The GD was greatly reduced.  I feel good on estrogen and reduced T.  I never want to stop.  So i guess if her hypothesis is true, tag, i’m it.

I actually got a little angsty when i stopped the spiro.  I don’t know if it was the idea of having my t go back up, or if it actually did spike and that drove it. 

In a related aside, I have weirdly conflicting feelings about my body.  I’m short, but have a muscular build.  Wide shoulders, bigger arms and chest.  I lifted weights off and on for years and trained BJJ intermittently as well.   Big muscular legs.  On the one hand I really want to strip away the upper body mass.  Looking in the mirror shirtless drives GD about my build.  I have a classic V upper body.  I could also lose 15 lbs of fat around my stomach.

But I don’t want to give up the strength.  I know, male priviledge.  So, I’m trying to optimize.  I’m going to let my T stay on the low end with the spiro, but I switched gyms to a crossfit gym. I like the mix of intense cardio, functional strength training and olympic lifting.  There are strong women in my classes that are inspirational.  I’ll also up my running and cycling as well.
“What you know, you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life—that there is something wrong. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.”

Offline Another Nikki

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #49 on: January 02, 2019, 12:50:24 pm »
Thanks Danielle.  The buds have been there for a few weeks now.  I had moobs my entire life, so those plus the buds + muscular pecs have given some semblance of actual boobs.  If my chest wasn’t so wide, i would guess a solid A cup.

What I really need to do is figure out a way to just live in the moment.  I get way too wrapped up in worrying about the what if’s, or fantasizing about living full time in a few years, or sad
that i didn’t deal with being trans when i was 20 and the wasted years that weren’t really wasted at all.  Today is really a great day, and I need to be present in it and just flow.
“What you know, you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life—that there is something wrong. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.”

Offline pamelatransuk

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #50 on: January 03, 2019, 04:57:11 am »
Hello again Nikki

It is wonderful to read your story after 9 weeks HRT.

Clearly you are experiencing positive mental changes in terms of your thinking, your resolved doubts, your less anger and being more able to laugh and to cry. These things happened to me also fortunately.

It is nice to see you are feeling breast buds and that you already have some semblance of boobs.

We are permitted to post our E&T Blood Test Results and I assume you will have a BT after 3 months meaning late January. Please feel free to post your readings on this thread but only if you wish of course.

It is uplifting to witness such wonderful news so early on your HRT journey.

Hugs

Pamela

Offline Another Nikki

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #51 on: October 05, 2019, 11:08:13 am »
So it’s almost been a year since starting hrt.  It’s probably easier to create a bullet list:

1.  I had some issues with spiro.  my fitness endurance went to <poo>, more than one would expect from a reduction of T.  It was very effective for me though.  A starter dose dropped my T from over 700 to 13.  It also gave me GI issues, and some brain fog.  So I quit it.  Blood work in a few weeks to see where my T is at with just E.  My doc said based on the lab results, we may try another anti androgen.  I’d like my T to be 50-80.  I am taking finisteride for prevention of hair loss.

2.  Almost no dysphoria.  That’s been the best part.

3.  Few months of getting used to the emotional changes.  Love not being ruled by dude anger.

4.  Some breast development.  I’m good with the slow train to boobieville.

5.  Some fat is being added to my thighs.

6.  Out to my entire family now.  This was huge- I’ve had a ton of anxiety over it for my entire life.

7.  FFS eval complete.  Looking at October 2020.

Basically all that’s left is coming out at work and to some neighbors.  Then i’m free.  My plan at this point is to live as a non binary trans feminine person, presenting male at work and in some situations with family. 
“What you know, you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life—that there is something wrong. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.”

Offline pamelatransuk

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #52 on: October 06, 2019, 06:53:38 am »
Nice to hear from you again Nikki.

I am delighted to read of the physical and emotional benefits you have gained and I wish you every success for the future. Good luck with your next BT results for E&T.

Hugs

Pamela  xx

Offline Another Nikki

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #53 on: January 30, 2021, 10:58:44 am »
2.3 years since starting hrt.  in december i went back on spiro and upped my e dose cause things had plateaued with not much breast growth.  seems to have restarted now.  I got a call for ffs at the end of March but decided to delay until june, because this spring is crazy busy for me.  dysphoria is still there, but much improved.
“What you know, you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life—that there is something wrong. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.”

Offline Pammie

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #54 on: January 30, 2021, 11:57:58 am »
2.3 years since starting hrt.  in december i went back on spiro and upped my e dose cause things had plateaued with not much breast growth.  seems to have restarted now.  I got a call for ffs at the end of March but decided to delay until june, because this spring is crazy busy for me.  dysphoria is still there, but much improved.
Are you working with your endo when you talk about upping E doses? At least getting bloods checked?


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Offline pamelatransuk

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #55 on: January 30, 2021, 12:19:10 pm »
Hello again Nikki

Always nice to hear from you and wishing you further success in the future. I am planning GRS in UK in Spring.

Hugs

Pamela xx

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #56 on: June 08, 2021, 12:13:06 pm »
@Another Nikki
Dear Nikki:

As you may have noticed, your Blog/thread has been moved to the Member Blogs sub-forum.

I will be eagerly following your journey as you feel comfortable sharing and posting.


HUGS and warm wishes... and success and happiness!!!
Danielle

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***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Another Nikki

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Re: Wandering down gender road
« Reply #57 on: June 08, 2021, 01:45:07 pm »
Thanks Danielle!

Update:

Thanks to Laura1951 and tgirlamg.  Last week I had ffs with Kaiser and both reached out with encouragement (and a hotel recommendation  ;D )

The experience with Kaiser has been great so far, from consult, to preop, surgery and recovery.  I’m still somewhat swollen but it looks like they nailed exactly what i was looking for- moderate changes but preserving the essence of me.  I had a big nose for a dude and the initial plan would have left me with a disproportionately large nose for a female.  so we modified the plan and they did some additional work to my nose.  I have a feeling this is going to be pretty life changing. I consider myself NB femme, with a gender neutral day to day presentation, but also like to femme it up and get fancy when situationally appropriate, like a nice dinner date with my wife or other special event.  I think this is gonna allow me to exist in that space really well.

I’m very ready to move on from the constant thoughts of being trans and transition stuff, and just move on with life, where being trans just happens to be one the many things that makes me, me!
“What you know, you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life—that there is something wrong. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.”

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