Author Topic: Defer Going Full Time?  (Read 589 times)

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Online Steph2.0

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Defer Going Full Time?
« on: October 17, 2017, 11:13:53 pm »
Hi All,

I was ready to post my question to the "How unusual is it to start living as a woman early in transition?" thread, but the forum engine suggested starting a new one, since the old one had gone dormant. So...

Some of you may have seen my personal thread (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228563.0.html) and know about where I am in transition, but to summarize, I'm about 4 months on HRT, have grown amazingly in confidence in that time, and as of Friday the 13th of October, am out to the world. Now it's time to consider going full-time. I was thinking seriously about clicking over to my new life sometime in the middle of November, but an incident today gave me pause.

I finally went out to get my ears pierced, and me, my wife, and our dear neighbor were all greeted warmly with, "What can I do for you ladies?" So far so good. Then she asked for ID to fill out the paperwork. Ack. Of course my driver's license didn't match the way I was presenting. Name, gender, and picture all clashed. And from that point on, I was "he, him, his." Now, as recently as two weeks ago I would have turned and run, but today it was, eh, here ya go. Deal with it.

But it did make me think. Not only did I have to deal with that, but we used my wife's credit card the rest of the day to avoid any conflict with the name on mine. So I'm wondering now whether I should defer going full-time until I have at least my driver's license and one credit card in my new name and gender. I have an appointment with a lawyer's office next Wednesday for a free clinic about name changes, followed by an appointment with my therapist, since I suspect I'm going to need a letter from her and/or my endocrinologist to get things moving. I just don't know how long the process takes, and I'm kind of impatient to get the road under the show.

For those who've been there and done that, do you have any advice? Is it worth waiting?

Thanks muchly,

Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/11/2017 * GCS Consultation at Mt. Sinai 3/16/2018

Offline Laurie

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2017, 11:26:43 pm »
 Hi Steph(anie)

  As you know I am full time since the end of June. I have not changed any documents nor do I have any Idea as to when I might decide to do so. So far it has not been a problem. But I think I don't care if I am asked for ID or not. At this point if they were to question it I think I could pull my wig off and tell them "See it's really me in here, deal with it" That or tell them to go ummmmm play with themselves.
  That probably wouldn't work for some.

« Last Edit: October 18, 2017, 11:44:08 am by Laurie »
Hi, I'm Laurie

“Sit with me, and I'll not be alone. Hold my hand, and I'll not feel alone. Cry with me, and I'll no longer suffer alone.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich,

May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone




Offline Dena

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2017, 12:10:48 am »
I did it but I didn't have a credit card, ATM machines didn't exist so I didn't have a debit card and I only used checks to pay bills by mail. I am not sure how but everybody in the bank knew me  ;D so I was able to get cash for everything I spend out of pocket. I would carry about $200 however today it might be closer to $600. The down side was my nearly 20 year old car was stolen and I couldn't rent a car without a credit card. Fortunately my car was recovered a couple of days latter.
« Last Edit: October 18, 2017, 01:48:11 am by Dena »
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Offline Megan.

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2017, 01:00:03 am »
I wouldn't let small matters like that dictate your timeline. The switchover can be a little messy,  when some IDs and other things either proceed or follow the specific date. Unless there is a legal or safety reason, carry on,  just prepare for a few awkward times while things catch up to the new you.
I've been full-time for over 5 months,  I'm still going into stores and clubs to update my name on memberships,  I try not to stress,  just updating my details, simple . X

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Offline echo7

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #4 on: October 18, 2017, 01:17:28 am »
While you can't change the name on your driver's license before you legally change your name, you can change the name on your credit card.  For example, if your legal name is 'John Michael Smith' you can change the name on your credit card to show 'J M Smith' instead.  Your account name would still be in your legal name, but nobody sees your credit card statements, so whatever. 

All you have to do is call your credit card company and ask them to change it (simply say that you don't want your first name spelled out on the card for privacy reasons). You'll get your new card in a week with no hassle. It'll help avoid awkward situations where you're presenting as female but handing someone a credit card with a clearly male name imprinted on the card.

Offline ElizabethK

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2017, 02:17:26 am »
Hi Steph

I waited until I had at least 2 pieces of legal identification. It was partly about safety for me, I needed to know that if the police stopped me there was not going to be any issue with who I am. I changed my Licence, Medicare(Aust and NZ) and my card and account access names. The rest has been done as needed. I can now produce enough ID in my new name to do anything I want. It gives me a sense of confidence that if challenged (never have been) then I can prove who I am. But as soon as I had those two pieces of ID, I went fulltime....there was no other reason not too
"You have the right to live an authentic life!"Alex Jolly

Transition Begun 25 September 2015
HRT since 17 May 2016
Fulltime from 8 March 2017
GCS Scheduled November 28 2018

Offline Kendra

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2017, 02:34:45 am »
I ordered a credit card with my new name a half year before changing any ID.  When I called American Express and explained I am transgender and need an additional card with my new name they were very polite, new card arrived in 3 days.  It’s handy to have as I’m booking flights with it to match the new passport which is currently being processed, but can still use the old card if I want to.  5 minute phone call, done.
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, BA 7/2018. 

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2017, 06:49:55 am »
I went full-time at three months on HRT, and didn't get my legal name change until another three months after that.  I am still working on getting all my accounts changed.

I am surprised that you had a problem presenting ID.  No one ever asked for my ID.  I pay for stuff with my bank card, which I insert into the machine myself.  No one else even sees the card. 

I did have one amusing incident at the bank before my legal name change.  For whatever reason, I had to talk to a real, live, human teller.  I was full-time and presenting as a well-dressed middle-aged woman.  I gave her my card, complete with male name, and she swiped it and started reading my record on the computer screen.  She stopped, with a puzzled look on her face, and said, "This card you gave me, it isn't yours!"  Oh, crap, I thought, here we go.  I told her that it was indeed my card and that I just hadn't had a chance to do my legal name change yet.  She said, "No, it's not that.  There's no way you are 62!"  With a big smile on my face, because she had just made my day, I thanked her and admitted that I was indeed 62.  No issues with the name, and she even offered to record a preferred name on my record.

I did get my name change document, and I have updated my driver's license (and bank card).  It shows me as Kathleen Lauren Xxxx, Sex: M.  Argh!  Darned British birth certificate!  So, if I get stopped by the cops, I might have some 'spaining to do.  But the Mounties are very polite, and there's a good chance that the combination of my feminine presentation and the obviously female name Kathleen will clue them in to use feminine forms of address.

I won't tell you what you should do.  But I would recommend that you not delay going full-time just because the paperwork is slow.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

Online Steph2.0

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2017, 07:53:43 am »
As you know I am full time since the end of June. I have not changed any documents nor do I have any Idea as to when I might decide to do so. So far it has not been a problem. But I think I don't care if I am asked for ID or not. At this point if they were to question it I think I could pull my wig off and tell them "See it's really me in here, deal with it" That or the them to go ummmmm play with themselves.

Great attitude, Laurie. I'm almost there...

Steph


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/11/2017 * GCS Consultation at Mt. Sinai 3/16/2018

Online Steph2.0

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2017, 07:59:05 am »
I ordered a credit card with my new name a half year before changing any ID.  When I called American Express and explained I am transgender and need an additional card with my new name they were very polite, new card arrived in 3 days.  It’s handy to have as I’m booking flights with it to match the new passport which is currently being processed, but can still use the old card if I want to.  5 minute phone call, done.

Thanks Echo7 and Kendra. It's that easy? Time to make some phone calls!

Steph


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/11/2017 * GCS Consultation at Mt. Sinai 3/16/2018

Online Steph2.0

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #10 on: October 18, 2017, 08:13:48 am »
I waited until I had at least 2 pieces of legal identification. It was partly about safety for me, I needed to know that if the police stopped me there was not going to be any issue with who I am. I changed my Licence, Medicare(Aust and NZ) and my card and account access names. The rest has been done as needed. I can now produce enough ID in my new name to do anything I want. It gives me a sense of confidence that if challenged (never have been) then I can prove who I am. But as soon as I had those two pieces of ID, I went fulltime....there was no other reason not too

Thanks Elizabeth,

That was sort of my thinking, too. Right now if I get pulled over I'm depending completely on the professionalism of the officer when I explain the situation. I think the vast majority will be fine, but I've met several who were on macho power trips, and could be a real problem. Happily two of the three were prison guards and had very little contact with the public in their official roles, but that didn't stop them from bringing their attitudes home and practicing them in their private lives.

I'm wondering about the wisdom of asking for a letter from my therapist on her letterhead that explains I'm under treatment for a medical condition while the paperwork is being processed. Maybe the same letter she'll give me for the paperwork itself would work.

Honestly, I'm not too terribly worried about it. I'm much more law-adiding lately. It sure has calmed down my driving style. That ain't easy with a supercharged Mini Cooper.

Steph


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/11/2017 * GCS Consultation at Mt. Sinai 3/16/2018

Online Steph2.0

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #11 on: October 18, 2017, 08:31:09 am »
I am surprised that you had a problem presenting ID.  No one ever asked for my ID.  I pay for stuff with my bank card, which I insert into the machine myself.  No one else even sees the card.

Hi Kathy,

The ID wasn't needed for payment. It had something to do with medical liability, since they were punching holes in my head. There was a multi-part form with lots of those word thingies on it that nobody ever looks at. They filled in the legal name and made me sign it.

Hold on, be right back...

That was a guy coming to pick up my car that I apparently signed over to someone yesterday. Nice man.

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She said, "No, it's not that.  There's no way you are 62!"  With a big smile on my face, because she had just made my day, I thanked her and admitted that I was indeed 62.  No issues with the name, and she even offered to record a preferred name on my record.

Cool story, Kathy. My wife is a teller and verified that there is such a thing as a preferred name field in the customer records. Not that I ever go into banks anymore.

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I did get my name change document, and I have updated my driver's license (and bank card).  It shows me as Kathleen Lauren Xxxx, Sex: M.  Argh!  Darned British birth certificate!  So, if I get stopped by the cops, I might have some 'spaining to do.  But the Mounties are very polite, and there's a good chance that the combination of my feminine presentation and the obviously female name Kathleen will clue them in to use feminine forms of address.

Those in the red uniforms have a reputation for professionalism, so yeah, you're probably fine. And how they gonna catch ya? Your car is a lot faster than their horses. Besides, they're too busy saving Nell from the railroad tracks.

(Trivia question: What was the name of Dudley DoRight's horse?)

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I won't tell you what you should do.  But I would recommend that you not delay going full-time just because the paperwork is slow.

I'm going to defer any decisions until I see the lawyers next week, but the feedback really helps. Maybe I won't delay after all.

Thanks all,

Steph


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/11/2017 * GCS Consultation at Mt. Sinai 3/16/2018

Online Steph2.0

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2017, 08:38:19 am »
I did it but I didn't have a credit card, ATM machines didn't exist so I didn't have a debit card and I only used checks to pay bills by mail. I am not sure how but everybody in the bank knew me  ;D so I was able to get cash for everything I spend out of pocket. I would carry about $200 however today it might be closer to $600. The down side was my nearly 20 year old car was stolen and I couldn't rent a car without a credit card. Fortunately my car was recovered a couple of days latter.

Yeah, things have changed a bit. I paid for some of the clothes I bought yesterday with my watch.  ;)

Steph the Geek


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/11/2017 * GCS Consultation at Mt. Sinai 3/16/2018

Online Steph2.0

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Re: Defer Going Full Time?
« Reply #13 on: October 18, 2017, 08:46:18 am »
I wouldn't let small matters like that dictate your timeline. The switchover can be a little messy,  when some IDs and other things either proceed or follow the specific date. Unless there is a legal or safety reason, carry on,  just prepare for a few awkward times while things catch up to the new you.

Thanks Megan. I'm starting to understand that now. I'll get an idea of the timeline next week, and may or may not wait for the driver's license. Thanks to the feedback here I've realized that I hardly ever have to give my credit card to anyone any more, so it really doesn't matter what it says on it. And my signature is so messy that it could say Willard Snicklefritz and nobody would know. (No offense, Willard.)

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I've been full-time for over 5 months,  I'm still going into stores and clubs to update my name on memberships,  I try not to stress,  just updating my details, simple . X

I'm very close to that attitude. Here are the facts, let's git 'er dun.

Steph


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/11/2017 * GCS Consultation at Mt. Sinai 3/16/2018

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