Author Topic: Coming to terms with my Spouse coming out as Genderfluid  (Read 803 times)

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Online Mariah

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Coming to terms with my Spouse coming out as Genderfluid
« on: October 24, 2017, 10:14:05 pm »
I knew coming into marriage that in the past they had struggled with their gender however at that point we got married it hadn't been an issue. Despite knowing about their past I was and am still shocked by the news and truly seeing their female side come out truly hit me like a ton of bricks. It rocked my world because here I am a straight woman and now Bi as a result. I'm still very uncomfortable being out and showing any affection towards my spouse in public. I know that they are still the same person, yet how I'm perceived and seen is something I'm always concerned with. Today they admitted they held this back from me to a degree before this weekend. I can understand why they did that because they didn't want to hurt or lose me over it. A huge part of what is going on now is both of us trying to learn how to cope with the changes that this brings and already has brought our lives. I know I will never leave them, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm not attracted to females and never have been yet I am attracted to my spouse regardless. I know in the long run I will be able to handle this, but in the short term it sure doesn't feel like it. Hugs
Mariah
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
mariah2014@susans.org
I am also spouse of genderfluid person.

Offline Complete

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Re: Coming to terms with my Spouse coming out as Genderfluid
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2017, 10:56:00 pm »
Ouch. So you knew about their gender struggle. We're you aware how severe things were? If you knew this was coming would you have gone ahead anyway?
This has got to be difficult. Speaking for myself,  I know I could not handle it.
Hang in there.

Online Mariah

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Re: Coming to terms with my Spouse coming out as Genderfluid
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2017, 11:25:47 pm »
I knew about it in the past, but was not aware of just how much the struggle was in the here and now. The current severity was masked by the severe anxiety that was resulting from their dysphoria. Before I married them I contemplated that knowing it was possible that something could happen did I still want to marry them. The anwser was yes I did. Difficult doesn't even begin to explain how it has been so far. Hugs
Mariah
Ouch. So you knew about their gender struggle. We're you aware how severe things were? If you knew this was coming would you have gone ahead anyway?
This has got to be difficult. Speaking for myself,  I know I could not handle it.
Hang in there.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
mariah2014@susans.org
I am also spouse of genderfluid person.

Offline Jamie_06

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Re: Coming to terms with my Spouse coming out as Genderfluid
« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2017, 11:33:04 pm »
Mariah and I actually met on this very website, and it all began with me struggling with my gender identity and her helping me through it. She was the one who encouraged me to accept myself as non binary in the first place. None of this was really a secret going in. The only surprise was just how far toward the middle of the gender spectrum I was. We had been thinking I was something like 80% male and 20% female when it was really closer to 50/50. And that surprised both of us, not just her.

Point is, I accepted her for her and she accepted me for me, however that would turn out. Openness and honesty are the keys to our relationship.

Offline Complete

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Re: Coming to terms with my Spouse coming out as Genderfluid
« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2017, 11:47:06 pm »
So this entire situation is wa-aaaay above my pay grade. Nevertheless certain principles still apply,  at least in my world. One is complete and total honesty. To me that  means addressing the very good possibility that your male side will just fade away.
Holding someone to a promise made under different circumstances,  based on some nebulous belief that things would work out, is asking alot. Possibly too much.

Online Dena

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Re: Coming to terms with my Spouse coming out as Genderfluid
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2017, 11:58:04 pm »
So this entire situation is wa-aaaay above my pay grade. Nevertheless certain principles still apply,  at least in my world. One is complete and total honesty. To me that  means addressing the very good possibility that your male side will just fade away.
Holding someone to a promise made under different circumstances,  based on some nebulous belief that things would work out, is asking alot. Possibly too much.
Something I was not aware of when I came to the site is the non binary. When we transitioned, things were black and white or male and female. The understanding of gender is far more complex and there is a sizable population where this isn't true. I have a pretty good handle on it after months of study but there isn't much documentation about the non binary. Even today, many of the therapist still don't have a clear understanding of it. Adding to it is the fact that the mix of male and female can shift making a person feeling male at time then female at other times.  Our WIKI is the best resource I have found so far explaining this.
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Offline Echo Feminist

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Re: Coming to terms with my Spouse coming out as Genderfluid
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2017, 09:37:55 am »
The term non-binary makes really good sense to me.

A large number of people in our world believe in reincarnation. If a person's spirit were one set gender, how could they be reincarnated as a male in one life and female in another. I believe the human spirit is non-binary by nature.

Offline Sylvia

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Re: Coming to terms with my Spouse coming out as Genderfluid
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2017, 10:17:07 am »
I too strongly believe that very few people are 100% one gender. My partner had a session with a new therapist today (the third!), she came up with the gender fluid label for him. She is sure he is not a transwoman. But neither is he a cis male. Neither of us are surprised by this, as he (he uses male pronouns) has said several time that he would ideally prefer to flit between male and female depending on how he is feeling that day. To be honest I'm ok with that. Of course, I'm aware that things may change in the future as he explores more, but for the moment, he's stopped looking for answers and is just accepting who he is, and liking who he is.
Syl

Offline Laurie

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Re: Coming to terms with my Spouse coming out as Genderfluid
« Reply #8 on: November 10, 2017, 04:29:39 pm »
The term non-binary makes really good sense to me.

A large number of people in our world believe in reincarnation. If a person's spirit were one set gender, how could they be reincarnated as a male in one life and female in another. I believe the human spirit is non-binary by nature.

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Online Mariah

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Re: Coming to terms with my Spouse coming out as Genderfluid
« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2017, 08:15:22 pm »
In may ways I agree with you in that regard. Hugs
Mariah
The term non-binary makes really good sense to me.

A large number of people in our world believe in reincarnation. If a person's spirit were one set gender, how could they be reincarnated as a male in one life and female in another. I believe the human spirit is non-binary by nature.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
mariah2014@susans.org
I am also spouse of genderfluid person.

Online Mariah

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Re: Coming to terms with my Spouse coming out as Genderfluid
« Reply #10 on: November 10, 2017, 08:19:37 pm »
When spouse mentioned it I was definitely shocked however at the same time it felt like the right word to describe them based on what I had been noticing in regards to them. I'm okay with that my concern is does it stop their or are things like hormones and surgery on the radar. After all I married them to be my husband and for certain reasons that my womanly needs need taken care of too. My spouse is still looking for answers and that is also taking me for a rollercoaster where it gets to be to much for me sometimes. Hugs
Mariah
I too strongly believe that very few people are 100% one gender. My partner had a session with a new therapist today (the third!), she came up with the gender fluid label for him. She is sure he is not a transwoman. But neither is he a cis male. Neither of us are surprised by this, as he (he uses male pronouns) has said several time that he would ideally prefer to flit between male and female depending on how he is feeling that day. To be honest I'm ok with that. Of course, I'm aware that things may change in the future as he explores more, but for the moment, he's stopped looking for answers and is just accepting who he is, and liking who he is.
Syl
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
mariah2014@susans.org
I am also spouse of genderfluid person.

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