Author Topic: Scared.  (Read 2150 times)

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Offline SadieBlake

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #20 on: November 03, 2017, 06:27:12 pm »
@bp I kinda feel you're all over the place here. I'd certainly suggest you change your handle on this forum. Yes your husband might have been presumed to be male but the fact is people change and marriage vows are about the individual, not their gender.

Also ask yourself if the reality of his being emotionally female isn't part of what attracts you.

Some sexual exploration is part of growing into being female for many of us, I explored bisexuality around the same time I first realized i was trans however I am absolutely more attracted to women and that's not changed or likely to. Also research has been quite positive showing late onset trans women are usually attracted to women both before and after transition.

No matter what age we have to address gender, it's usually a wrenching process. Also I don't view my partner as a support system it make her in any way responsible for my emotional state. If your husband is leaning on you more than you feel is appropriate, that's a disjoint problem from the fact of his transition. I would no more expect my partner to take responsibility for my stuff than fly to the moon.

[Edit]

Ok, realizing this is your fiance puts a slightly different spin on my thoughts clearly above I thought you were married. Also. I've had some sleep after 3 really hectic days so here are some more thoughts.

Quote
I wish that a meeting with a transgender person’s SO was a requirement for all or part of their therapy and transition.  While I realize that this is a personal choice- if most have “known” since birth, but chose to suppress it and live a lie, thereby essentially destroying another person (me) then I have to say that’s pretty selfish. 

That wish, I'm sorry is kinda ridiculous. I get that you're somewhere between the anger and denial stages of grief, however projecting your situation onto trans people generally seems off the mark to me. Whether addressed medically or not, being transexual is about the individual and the choice is up to the individual alone. Compare it to pregnancy: how to handle a pregnancy (including whether to abort) is the woman's choice. Sure, usually it will be discussed with their partner however under the law and firmly under any sensible ethical principles, the choices are the woman's.

Second, no person can complain that they are destroyed by another choosing what to do with their body. I'm sorry, again I can only take that statement as hyperbole.

Let me contrast to my experience, maybe put the shoe on the other foot. I was out with my partner (of now 19 years) beginning with our first date. I was relatively new to being trans (as in 3-4 months) and I daresay I knew somewhere in my heart how important it was to me so I wore lingerie under my date clothing because I felt I wanted to never address this after the fact. Our date consisted of dinner, going back to her place where I gave her her first over the knee spanking (we're both into fairly broad definitions of sex) and wound up in bed me wearing a silk thong and matching camisole.

I had no idea then that I would eventually want to transition, however having been up front from our first sexual experience, I felt kind of blindsided when, a year later I said I was considering it and was hit by a very self-centered "I'm not a lesbian" and a really strong push back. For that and other reasons I shelved transition for 16 more years and when I found myself dealing with deep depression and realized the time had come that I needed HRT and to explore GCS I wasn't surprised that I got the same push back, she acted like a hurt puppy for a couple if weeks and complained that she didn't want to be someone's support system (one consistent trait I love and hate about my SO is her stubbornness).

I found that complaint to be fairly spurious, I had weathered my deepening discontent with my body (and remaining "male" during my time away from home) solo. I hadn't bought the problem to her once as I slid into a depression for a couple of years and then battled my way out of it for a couple more because I knew pretty well what her response would be. The fact is, I'm a highly self reliant girl, it's not easy for me to lean on others, even when I should.

All that is now water under the bridge. My GF has in fact adjusted well to sex with a woman who now has a vagina that's replaced the penis she used to love and admittedly still misses. She also came to SF to help me with recovery post-op and I also relied on a couple of friends out there. If I could have physically managed that without help I would have, however I have to say needing to rely on her for a change and accept that post op I was pretty frail and battling mind numbing pain we're doses of humility that weren't bad experiences for me.

Back to you and your partner. Let go of anger and resentment; be assertive. Deal with the loss and consider what you might have to gain. Be a physicist, recognize that a glass is only empty if you pull a vacuum inside it and even then it contains space, makes reflections, etc.

Offline Clara Kay

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #21 on: November 04, 2017, 12:00:04 am »
Broken Promises,

I posted a response, but after rereading your post, I concluded that my comment did not address your question, so I removed it. 

The question you are apparently struggling to answer is: "So do I go on being supportive or just walk away from the only man I have ever loved?"

I was under the impression that you are married, but you referred to your SO as "my fiancé", so it would seem to throw a different light on the question, at least from a legal standpoint. 

Presumably you are free to walk away from this relationship, and given the strength of your objections to your fiancé’s plans to transition, I have to wonder why you think it could ever work out.

It's clear that you harbor a lot of resentment toward her for reasons that are certainly understandable.  It's not possible to be supportive in such a state of mind. 

The fact is, "the only man you have ever loved" is not a man, and that changes everything to my way of thinking.  The person you thought you knew and loved is not that person in ways that might never be acceptable to you.

You either fall in love with the real person that has been revealed to you, or severe what ties remain as cleanly and fairly as possible. 

I would not invest any more of your life in a relationship that is likely to bring nothing but regret.  There's no reason for you to feel obligated to pursue your relationship given the circumstances that you now face.

If you honestly think it's possible to resolve this conflict given time and counseling, then by all means seek it.  Your chances of success will depend on whether each of you truly wish the best for each other.  Very often, however, that means having the courage to let the other go their own way.

Offline aaajjj55

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #22 on: November 04, 2017, 02:46:21 am »
Broken Promises,

I have battled this since my youth. It has made my life hell and I would like express my point of view.

First off, you are right to feel hurt and scared.

I chose to not follow through for the following reasons:

For one, the center of "selfish" is self. It is "I, I, I, me, me, me."

It took wedding vows before God and refuse to knowingly lie. When I gave those vows it was to a woman who thought I was a man and that man I shall be. If I changed my mind I would be self centered and one who lied to both wife and God.

Secondly, I have to place my wants second to the needs of the woman I married and the children I made. Part of being a Christian and a man is doing what is right even if it means hating my life.

I have hated my life since I was young but continue to go on day by day. My wife is my best friend and knows everything since I told her shortly after we were married. It would be self centered to put myself first and my wife and kids last, or not even care what they think.

If I ever did change my mind (which I won't) I would expect her to divorce me and find a man that will put her first as he should and she deserves.

If this hurts anyone I am sorry, but this is the truth. There is no way I can justify being self centered even if a therapist says otherwise. It makes no sense for me to put myself first after taking vows and she doesn't deserve to be lied to.

This is so beautifully put.  As someone in a similar position, I too have surpressed my urges and feelings for the sake of my family and, in fairness, my otherwise comfortable life.

I've known from an early age that things weren't right and it took two decades of marriage for me to finally come clean to my wife. 

Why did I hide it? 

Firstly shame - this is not something that normal men feel or do, particularly when it involved (as it did in the early days) sexual arousal from cross dressing. 

Secondly, I felt that I had been 'cured' - seeing my wife in skirts, dresses heels & makeup effectively took away the TG urges and feelings I had - for a while! 

Thirdly - when it was obvious that I wasn't cured, the fear of losing her.

Yes we can try to play the 'I'm still the same person underneath' but would we accept that argument if the tables were turned and our wives who attracted us by their femininity and beauty all of a sudden announced that they intended to transition?  I know I would find it very hard.

I caused unbelievable hurt to my wife and that was only my confession of cross dressing.  The thought of her crying herself to sleep still upsets me several years later and she had every right to be upset.  At the end of the day, the decision to transition is one we make for ourselves - it is very hard to see how it benefits anyone else and, for that reason, it is a selfish decision.

For all of you SOs reading this, you have every right to feel the way you do.  If you bought a silk dress and it turned out to be polyester, you'd take it back and demand a refund.  If you bought an appliance that was marketed as lasting for 10 years and it failed after 2, you'd take it back and demand a refund.

So, it's just not fair to expect you to accept your husband's revelations as if nothing had happened.  Granted, opportunities for TG people are much better now than they used to be but that doesn't excuse secrecy about the issue through courtship and, sometimes, decades of marriage.

To Broken Promises, Sylvia and any other SOs reading this, I hope you can find the strength to continue talking to your husbands about this as finding an acceptable solution is in everyone's best interests.  But, as someone on the other side of the fence, so to speak, this is not all about your husbands and you must consider your own lives as well. 

My thoughts are with you.

Offline Sylvia

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #23 on: November 04, 2017, 06:00:34 am »
AJ and Dianne, I love you both. I wish there were more like you. Thank you. I see so many, here and elsewhere, just rushing headlong into full female, with barely a thought or consideration for the others who love them.

I have to say my partner is very much taking my feelings into account, and I am trying to come to terms with a lot of things. He too would rather live with the dysphoria than lose me and his life as he knows now.

But he doesn't have it so bad, maybe if he was 'transition or die' things would be different. He is only at the stage of experimenting and expressing his female side, and I am giving him the space to do that.

I haven't yet seen him in his most female mode (he wears women's clothes, but just jeans/sweaters etc) but he plans to show me next week. All it will be is breast forms and a bit more make up I think. I'm not sure how I will react. He thinks I will laugh. I think I will cry...

We start therapy next week, hopefully that will help, as he doesn't really know yet what or who he is. He is looking for answers really, he hasn't found them yet. This both gives me hope and scares me stupid at the same time.
And before anyone objects to the pronouns, he doesn't want to be referred to as a she and doesn't have a femme name either. He did, for previous therapy, but he wasn't comfortable with it, so has dropped it.

Thanks again.

Dianne H

Re: Scared.
« Reply #24 on: November 04, 2017, 08:30:52 am »
One area where I do disagree with fellow transgender people is with shifting the self centeredness to the innocent party. I'll explain.

Before we were married the pastor asked my wife how she knew she wanted to marry me.

Her answer was that she loved me, wanted to have my babies and keep my house while raising them.

Using common sense, this means she is innocent. She thought she was marrying a man to be joined to the rest of her life.

I, on the other hand battled these thoughts and emotions from my youth. When we were married I did tell her but also told her that I would not act on them because I love her and she didn't need to be betrayed. by this confession after marriage.

So who would be self centered?

If I demanded to live as I feel, it would be I who is self centered, not caring what she wants, after entering into marriage with her innocently thinking she was marrying a man. Therefore, I will continue to live as a man for my wife, my kids, my grandkids and all others who know me as a man.

I will not try to shift the self centeredness to her and say she is selfish to expect our marriage to be the man and woman which took place so many years ago. Neither do I care what a therapist thinks.

Like most, I have contemplated suicide and thought the world would be better off without me. But; I also know that wouldn't be for the best. The last thing my wife and kids need is to find me and know that I did that because I couldn't handle being who I am and who my wife married.

That was thirty years ago. Those thoughts of suicide never come anymore. I'll be married 40 years this month and at 60, why should I ruin my marriage, my wife's, children and grandchildren's lives now?

Maybe in my life, I never achieved anything great, but if staying alive and my birth sex is all I accomplish, that's enough for me.

It is written that no greater love hath a man than to give his life for his friends, wife, kids and grandkids. It is also written he that seeks to save his life will lose it, but he that loses his life shall keep it.

As far as I am concerned denying my wants and desires to live for them is doing just that.

They entered into this innocent and I plan to keep them innocent. I can not blame others for my problems or expect them to have their life turned upside down over my thoughts, desires and/or actions.

It is not fair to them.

Others may feel differently and I do not judge nor blame them. That is between them and their SO or spouse. All I know is that when it comes to me being transgender I have to put myself last; and I do that with a clear conscious.

Offline Sylvia

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #25 on: November 04, 2017, 02:48:12 pm »
Wonderful words, Dianne. My partner is a similar age (nearly 62) but certainly didn't have dysphoria (knowingly) when we got together. Just a vague notion that 'something' was not right. We are not married, so no vows to keep, but we are 100% committed to each other.

I wish you and your wife  the very best, you sound like a wonderful, loving husband.

Sorry, Broken Promises, if we've hijacked your thread a bit. Maybe reading that there are different ways of coping with dysphoria will help you and your partner find a way.

Offline Clara Kay

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #26 on: November 04, 2017, 04:25:54 pm »
What is love?  What is marriage?  What are the things that keep married people together, or drive them apart?  Every married relationship undergoes change over time.  Things happen that have the potential to tear two people apart.  Illness, accidents, affairs, alcoholism, incarceration, death of a loved one, religious issues, and, yes, gender transition.  How do couples deal with such tragic circumstances?  Unfortunately, many relationships cannot stand the stresses of these and other disruptions.

When I came out to my SO after many years of marriage, I accepted the possibility that our marriage would end.  I didn't want it to dissolve, but I knew the odds were stacked against us.  I had no right to expect that my SO could absorb the body blow.  It had nothing to do with assigning blame.  I knew that I loved my wife more than anything, but I also realized that I would have to let her go if she was unable to handle the emotional trauma that my revelation caused.

Predictably my SO went through a period of shock, confusion, anger, fear, and questioning.  Why is this happening?  Who is this person?  What should I do? 

I was going through my own emotional hell.  My life as I knew it was ending.  Everything I'd worked for through the years was being flushed down the toilet.  But, nothing meant more to me than preserving what little self-worth I had left.  I had reached the point of desperation.   It broke my heart to have to put my SO through the pain and sorrow of losing the love of her life.  I was about to lose mine, as well.

Unselfish love is what she felt for me.  Above everything else, she wanted me to be happy, and I felt the same toward her.  It's why I refused to give in to my gender dysphoria for so very long, and yet, the moment had arrived at which I could no longer deny the truth of who I was.  You have to experience it to understand what it’s like.

We agreed that if a split was necessary, we would do so respecting the feelings and well-being of us both.  There would be no blame, no guilt, no resentment.  Either of us could say we wanted out at any time.

But after four years now, neither of us has made such a request.  We are different people in many ways while the same in many more.  We both had to decide whether we were better off together or apart, and so far we are still together.  Part of the reason is that I'm a happier person today than I've ever been in my life.  I'm simply an easier person to live with now.  I'm free to love my partner without all the complications that living an inauthentic life created for me.  In many ways I am the same person.  No one could be more like the person my partner married.  I fulfill many of the same roles I always did.  I still love my partner as much, even more than I did before.

My SO is free of the guilt she felt for years blaming herself for my unhappiness.  Knowing that my discontent was a medical condition (gender dysphoria) took a huge burden off her back.  As a consequence, she, too, is a happier person.  She found that accepting and supporting my transition was as much a benefit to her as it was for me. 

But what about our sexual relationship?  That can be an insurmountable obstacle to continuing the marriage.  How does my wife handle living with another woman to whom she is not sexually attracted?  How do I deal with the fact that I can no longer depend on her for physical closeness and sexual release?  I don't know the answer.  We are still affectionate toward each other, but sexual passion is not part of the picture anymore.  Could it be the deal breaker?   Yes, it could, but so far it hasn't been.  Sex isn’t as important to either of us as it was in our younger days.

What about the social ramifications of being seen as a same-sex couple by family, friends, and the larger community?  It's often the source of terror in the mind of the cisgender spouse whose life is going to undergo unknown and potentially humiliating changes. 

All these factors sum up to reveal whether or not a marriage can survive.  If the answer is no, it must be accepted as the reality of your unique circumstances.  There's no need to assign blame or to seek revenge.  It isn’t a question of who is being selfish.  If it can't work, it can't work.  I acknowledged that possibility the day I came out and was willing to accept the consequences.  I still am, but am hopeful that we will remain together as two people who still love each other and most likely will for the remainder of our lives.  We'll see.

Online Lady Lisandra

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #27 on: November 05, 2017, 01:44:27 am »
First of all, I completely disagree with Dianne. Personal happiness and self love should always be your top priorities. Because if you don't love yourself, you can't properly love someone else, nor make them happy. Your partner is in her right to transition and find a way to live a happy life. But so are you.

I admire you for trying to continue the relationship, but it's a two-man (or woman) job. I don't aprove lying, but you have to understand that a life of hiding and lying to oneself can make a habbit. Still, honesty is an important part of any relationship, so the lies, sneaking and hiding need to stop.

Keep in mind that she will change. She will transform into her true self, and it might be a lot different from the person you knew. The man you knew wasn't a lie. In my case, it was a construction I had to make to preserve my mental sanity. Even when I knew something was wrong. The man was real, but it's going to die so that she can take the place. It's nobody's fault if her true personality doesn't match yours.

Regarding sexuality, I've heard both stories. People's sexual preferences changes after HRT, and sexuality staying exactly the same as before, so you should mentaly prepare for both cases. Also, YOUR sexuality also matters. Nobody can blame you for not being physically attracted to the woman she's becoming. You should be sincere about that.

With all that said, I can answer your question now. Should you stay or should you go? Staying takes courage of you, and hard work of both parts. If you stay, you need to be honest about your needs and feelings. Tell her the lies have to stop, go to therapy, work the nasty aspects out. It can be done. But, that doesn't mean that it will happen. Maybe she can't find a way to open up and be sincere to you. Maybe she really is selfish and doesn't care about you. What if her new personality does't match yours? As I said before, you shouldn't put anyone before yourself. Do the best you can, but if you feel that the relationship is not working, leave. You're not selfish for doing it. The third option is breaking up but continue as friends.
- Lis -

Offline aaajjj55

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #28 on: November 05, 2017, 03:17:29 am »
Things happen that have the potential to tear two people apart.  Illness, accidents, affairs, alcoholism, incarceration, death of a loved one, religious issues, and, yes, gender transition. 

But the big issue here is that, unlike all of the other things you list, gender transition follows gender dysphoria which, in almost all cases, has existed for as long as the individual can remember.  We generally know by the time we reach adolescence (and usually a long time before) that things don't feel right, and yet we bury those feelings and commit ourselves to others via marriage and having children.

How much effort would it take to discuss our struggles to our SOs in an early stage of the relationship?  Yes it's a brave step but a lot less brave than having to do it decades into marriage and possibly lose everything as a result.  What particularly hurt my wife was the realization of deceit and, in my case, the confession was only to cross-dressing rather than intention to transition.

Personal happiness and self love should always be your top priorities. Because if you don't love yourself, you can't properly love someone else, nor make them happy.

To a point, yes but not if it breaches trust - for example is having an extramarital affair with a work colleague acceptable if it makes you happy and love yourself?  Clearly not.  At the end of the day, none of us chooses to have GD but everything we do thereafter is a choice - transition or not transition, disclose to future spouse or keep quiet - but we have to take responsibility for our actions and for their consequences and, fundamentally, consider our spouse's point of view as well as our own.

Dianne H

Re: Scared.
« Reply #29 on: November 05, 2017, 04:36:51 am »
First of all, I completely disagree with Dianne. Personal happiness and self love should always be your top priorities. Because if you don't love yourself, you can't properly love someone else, nor make them happy. Your partner is in her right to transition and find a way to live a happy life. But so are you.



 As I said before, you shouldn't put anyone before yourself. Do the best you can, but if you feel that the relationship is not working, leave. You're not selfish for doing it. The third option is breaking up but continue as friends.

If we are all honest, we can look back at our life in childhood and in the workforce and see this isn't right.

The child who loved self rather than others was the greedy kid who had to be the center of attention, have the best of everything and think they were more important than others. It's the "I, I, I, me, me, me" mindset. Those kids generally only cared about themselves. They seemed to always have to have things their way.

Even in the workforce we knew people who always placed self above everyone else. It didn't matter what happened as long as they got their way.

In circumstances in both childhood and as an adult we see that most who placed their happiness or gain before others were basically spoiled and didn't love others. They loved self.

When a person loves others they can do so while hating their life. That doesn't stop them from loving spouse, or neighbor or family. We all can see that if we choose to look at our life with an open mind and accept the truth rather than what we want.

As I said, I respectfully disagree. Events in our lives prove that if we just look back. Those who love self are all around us. They're the co worker who would stab us in the back for a better position at work, the man or woman who has an affair, those who break agreements without reason for their own gain or pleasure.

In each case the self centered attitude takes no thought  for how others feel and the individual only looks out for number 1. They'll justify it every step of the way.

"What's in it for me" is that which we see the most. I'm not trying to anger anyone but being self centered can ruin the lives of all around a person with such a mindset.

I think we all know that to love others is placing one's self second.

Offline Paige33455

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #30 on: November 05, 2017, 06:42:20 am »
Self sacrifice and admiration or self centered and selfish..... Are those really the only choices when one finally comes to terms with their internal identity struggle ........particularly when actions to resolve the conflict will impact others? 

That seems to be the theme of some of the replies to the OP on this very difficult and undoubtedly common life scenario. 

I don't usually insert my opinion in matters that don't directly involve or affect me unless asked, but...... Advice that contains opinions that are presented as absolutes in a forum like ours makes me bristle. As with the gender spectrum, I submit that the choices are not binary. 

Those who believe that "concern with one's own well being" (see  Ayn Rand) should/must be sacrificed (sublimated?) for anothers benefit are certainly entitled to take a path that supports that belief. But where is the line drawn? 

Who decides what is selfish in the negative sense?  Does it apply only in cases of multi year marriages with kids involved?  Or should one continue to deny/repress their biological need when parents and siblings are impacted?  How about when friends might have great difficulty accepting a potential transition? 

The answer is...... All the above and none of the above.  It's a very personal decision that can ONLY be made by the conflicted individual who must decide on the path that is right for them and their unique situation. Offering advice to someone that suggests the "best path" is presumptuous at best. Certainly offer a point of view but remember that's what it is....... YOUR point of view.

And for those who believe it important to resolve their gender incongruity and resulting dysphoria in a manner that enables them to live an authentic and fulfilling life despite potential negative fallout, your approach is no less valid. This path doesn't require a disregard for others feelings or trivializing potential negative impact.  How should the conflicted person balance their needs when making decisions about how to proceed? An implication that this approach is selfish or self centered may OR MAY NOT be accurate and, again, depends entirely on one's point of view.

While I have my own opinion on this issue,  I think I could present a convincing case for either side. While there is no right or wrong, it's probably a good idea to keep in mind that there are different yet valid opinions when offering advice on very personal and serious issues like this. 

To the OP: Your fiance's revelation was undoubtedly a significant emotional experience. it's not a one way street.  You have control over your own path unless you choose to give it up. Many in such circumstances find it helpful to establish their own boundaries and limitations as the framework for making life altering decisions.

Offline Gertrude

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #31 on: November 05, 2017, 08:06:15 am »
If we are all honest, we can look back at our life in childhood and in the workforce and see this isn't right.

The child who loved self rather than others was the greedy kid who had to be the center of attention, have the best of everything and think they were more important than others. It's the "I, I, I, me, me, me" mindset. Those kids generally only cared about themselves. They seemed to always have to have things their way.

Even in the workforce we knew people who always placed self above everyone else. It didn't matter what happened as long as they got their way.

In circumstances in both childhood and as an adult we see that most who placed their happiness or gain before others were basically spoiled and didn't love others. They loved self.

When a person loves others they can do so while hating their life. That doesn't stop them from loving spouse, or neighbor or family. We all can see that if we choose to look at our life with an open mind and accept the truth rather than what we want.

As I said, I respectfully disagree. Events in our lives prove that if we just look back. Those who love self are all around us. They're the co worker who would stab us in the back for a better position at work, the man or woman who has an affair, those who break agreements without reason for their own gain or pleasure.

In each case the self centered attitude takes no thought  for how others feel and the individual only looks out for number 1. They'll justify it every step of the way.

"What's in it for me" is that which we see the most. I'm not trying to anger anyone but being self centered can ruin the lives of all around a person with such a mindset.

I think we all know that to love others is placing one's self second.

There’s a difference between loving oneself and being selfish, self-Centered and narcissistic. It’s just as as bad or worse for others to demand sacrifice and even altruism. People that learn to love themselves, imperfections and all, tend to live authentically. That’s the whole point. Be who you really are.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

Dianne H

Re: Scared.
« Reply #32 on: November 05, 2017, 08:22:02 am »
Gertrude,
Really, when it's all said and done, there isn't a one size fits all answer.

People will do what they want and what worked for me may not work for them.

My decisions were based upon my convictions and the gospel. Not all look at things alike. The main thing is that they think about it from every angle before making a decision.

Unless things have changed since I last read, the operation is not reversible. Therefore, they may wish to choose after studying the issue from every angle imaginable.

Have a good day.

Offline Mariah

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #33 on: November 05, 2017, 08:34:30 am »
Mod hat on  :police:

For those responding in this thread please remember this is the SO section so please be respectful of that because us SO's do need a safe place to get help and support while being able to be able to vent about what is going on too.

Mod hat off.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
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I am also spouse of genderfluid person.

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Scared.
« Reply #34 on: November 05, 2017, 08:39:31 am »
To add to the confusion, my philosophy on this is that once married it is for life and that the singular “I” no longer exists but is replaced by the plural “I”.   My marriage vows, which I took seriously lay it out pretty plainly.

Quote
I. take thee. to my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.

I. take thee. to my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.

Both partners need to compromise to work through this and either one demanding complete surrender to their desires from the other is being self centered and selfish.  The only solution is open honesty and finding the solution that works for both.  It may be that neither partner is completely happy with that answer but it’s one they can live with.  Whatever each might lose in this they in fact gain in their love and their giving.

To the OP.  You’re not married yet so you do have freedom to do whatever you want.  If you do go through with the marriage you know what you are getting so be certain you can live up to the vow you will take.

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Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that is contingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being....  - Dan Barker

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Offline Sylvia

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #35 on: November 05, 2017, 08:45:54 am »
I agree with Trish. There are so many different ways of dealing with dysphoria. Some people do choose to 'sacrifice' themselves and do nothing. At the other extreme, others go right into transition as quickly as possible, without a thought for the others around them. And there are many many other options in between. We can't say what is the 'correct' way.

And yes, there is a difference between being 'self-centred/selfish' and thinking of your own needs. I have come across a lot of people on various sites, not necessarily on here, who are on the self-centred side.  I think it also makes a difference how strong the dysphoria is.

If my partner was someone who had struggled with it since childhood and had always known he was a girl, I may have had a different stance. As I think he would. At the moment, he doesn't yet know what or who he is and he has no desire to 'completely' transition. He wants to try low dose hormones, and that is the big stumbling block for us. It may always be. We are going to therapy. He needs answers, I need solutions and coping mechanisms.

We can't always get what we want, as the Rolling Stones once said. My 'authentic self' is a slim gorgeous 25 year old girl but that isn't going to happen....

Sometimes we just have to accept our lot in life.

And I really admire both people like AJ and Dianne, who have put those they love before themselves,  and those who have risked (and in many cases lost) everything to reach what they need. Equally.

Online JoanneB

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #36 on: November 05, 2017, 09:27:09 am »
Eight years since I dropped the T-Bomb and my wife is still feeling betrayed, and "The Lies". The ironic part is she also knew from Day 1 (some 40 years ago) I had gender issues and settled on being a CD. I often think an SO has a harder time dealing with this since they have had mere milli-Seconds in comparison to process the GD vs us having spent the better part of a lifetime to barely get a handle on it.

You saw your entire world view turned on it's head. All the hopes, wishes and dreams you had for a shared future suddenly and unilaterally redefined. Like Devlyn said the often very hard honest and open discussions are key. Oh, and compromise by both parties.

It is obvious you are still in the Shock & Awe phase barely processing all that just happened. Perhaps also there is a case of "Full Speed Ahead" your SO is taking now that they dropped the T-Bomb, the Earth did not open up and swallow them, a bolt of lightning did not vaporize them, or a direct meteor strike up the top of the head.

The relationship has to work both ways. You cannot be expected just to go along with this major change and the total unknown and scary changes ahead. Plus all the "Complications" with friends, family, work, etc. with being the partner of a trans person.

One of my wife's favorite lines is to quote the song "What's Love Got To Do With It". Yes, love is a powerful force and has helped to keep my wife and I together. But it is also not the end all, be all. We both tend to value the other's happiness over our own.

I know how much of what I have done, and am doing, hurts her. She no longer sees me as a husband, yet relies on me to exert my male privileged. (I still live and present primarily as male) Though HRT may have altered my body in ways that upsets her, it has also altered my mind and brought me peace. A benefit for her as well as me.

We were on shaky grounds before I dropped the T-Bomb. Now we love each other more then ever before I think. Even with sex no longer being there. In fighting the Trans-Beast I lost a ton of shame & guilt that ruled my life.

Today about the only guilt I harbor is rightfully mine. The guilt I feel about hurting the most important person in the world to me.
.          (Pile Driver)  
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(ROCK) ---> ME <--- (HARD PLACE)

Offline Gertrude

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #37 on: November 05, 2017, 04:37:14 pm »
Gertrude,
Really, when it's all said and done, there isn't a one size fits all answer.
People will do what they want and what worked for me may not work for them.
My decisions were based upon my convictions and the gospel. Not all look at things alike. The main thing is that they think about it from every angle before making a decision.
Unless things have changed since I last read, the operation is not reversible. Therefore, they may wish to choose after studying the issue from every angle imaginable.
Have a good day.
Not sure who you’re addressing as your answer doesn’t fit my comment.


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Offline Paige33455

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #38 on: November 05, 2017, 06:16:34 pm »
There is an exceptional source of information on gender identity issues from Ann Vitale, a Ph.D who has extensive experience with the transgender community in a therapeutic setting. I offer this in hopes it'll help SO's in particlar who seek greater knowledge and understanding of the gender identity conflict and resulting dysphoria. 

Check the site - www.avitale.com - for a collection of free essays on various topics based on almost 40  years of work with transgender individuals. She also has a book available entitled " The Transgendered Self" that I found helpful.

I sincerely hope this information provides solace to those who've found themselves trying cope with the challenges, fears and disappointment that accompany an unexpected "I think I'm transgender" revelation.

Offline Cora

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #39 on: November 06, 2017, 12:17:35 pm »
Hi BP, another SO checking in. Just wanted to say that this is hard. I feel you.

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