Author Topic: Scared.  (Read 3689 times)

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Offline Broken promises

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Scared.
« on: November 02, 2017, 09:09:40 pm »
Hello All!  I’m brand new to this site and I’m so glad to have a safe place to discuss this somewhat foreign commonality that most of us have been more than likely blindsided by. 

I’m not so much looking for answers, well maybe, but those answers I seek will come with time.  I guess I’m wondering how many other people share my same views and fears. 

I thought I would be okay with my fiancé’s transition but the truth is I’m not.  I hate it.  I hate his sneakiness, I hate his lying, I hate being in the dark.  I hate that I’m becoming less and less attracted to him as time goes on. 

I’m a straight woman- no doubt about it- I thought love would be enough but it’s not. My biggest fear is that one day the hormones are going to change his (her) attraction to women and he will be solely attracted to men- in fact I can almost feel it happening. 

There is so much I don’t understand and even when I ask I’m lied to.  I want to be supportive yet I’m not getting any support in return- I have even asked if he ever thought for a minute about what this would do to me, if he asked his therapist for any literature about how to put himself in my shoes and understand what this could do to me- nope- not a thing- never even cared to inquire.

So do I go on being supportive or just walk away from the only man I have ever loved?

Online Devlyn

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2017, 09:18:34 pm »
Hi BP, welcome to Susan's place! Thank you for opening up to us during this difficult time. I hope we can help you find your answers.  :)

Open communication is going to be essential, but it does hurt. Things that hurt need to be talked about, not buried. That's the only way to work it out. Are you seeking counseling?

Hugs, Devlyn

Offline Broken promises

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2017, 09:31:45 pm »
Thank you! 

I have not sought counseling, yet. I felt that going to counseling would make it more “real” as silly as that sounds.  If I could wish this all away, believe me it would have been gone by now. I think it’s inevitable that I will need counseling as I feel myself slipping further and further away from the woman I once was. 

I wish that a meeting with a transgender person’s SO was a requirement for all or part of their therapy and transition. 

While I realize that this is a personal choice- if most have “known” since birth, but chose to suppress it and live a lie, thereby essentially destroying another person (me) then I have to say that’s pretty selfish. 

I fell victim to promised he made that he knew he could never keep. I fell head over heels in love with the most gorgeous man , with the most amazing voice, I have ever laid my eyes on.  He promised me a life he was not equipped to give me but he knew it- I didn’t.  That’s simply just not fair! 

I’ve come to realize that man was just for pretend.  He never existed, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have real feelings for him.  I just want my guy back. 

I watch him do the injections and I want to bawl.  I feel physically ill as he does it.  He told me “nothing would change “.  I don’t know who’s the bigger fool- him for saying that or me for actually forcing myself to believe it even though I knew better....

I guess the fool is me

Online Devlyn

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2017, 09:40:52 pm »
The LGBT clinic I go to offers free support meetings for spouses, perhaps there's one in your area. I was asking about couples counseling in my previous reply, to help establish and maintain dialogue between the two of you.

I knew nothing about being transgender until my early forties*, sometimes it isn't a lifelong thing for us.

Hugs, Devlyn


*I'll let you know about that forties thing in about eleven years. I'm 29. Dammit, I'm 29, I say!  :)

Offline Gertrude

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2017, 09:46:06 pm »
Selfish? It’s hardly selfish to deny who one is. It’s selfish to expect someone to be who they’re not.

I think therapy would be good and hopefully you’ll gain some insight into what transgender is. I don’t condone lying, but it can become habit from having to hide it all ones life. If your spouse goes to therapy, hopefully she will learn that lying is the wrong road to take.

One of the first things I learned in therapy was that I am not responsible for how others feel and they aren’t responsible for my feelings. We all choose to feel as we do. That’s probably been the biggest help for me.

I understand your anger, but it’s like taking the poison and hoping the other guy dies. It’s more than counterproductive, it’s self destructive. I hope you get into counseling with someone that understands gender issues and also in counseling with your spouse. It’ll help.


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Online Dena

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2017, 09:47:01 pm »
Welcome to Susan's Place.

The person we are doesn't change however we may not be the person we appear to be. This is a process of discover for us. Often couple remain together however we have seen cases where couples have been driven apart by the transition.

I second therapy and possibly couples counseling. If you are not able to come to terms with each other, then as painful as it will be, you should leave the relationship as your well being is important.

You are far from a fool. Often we know for years and have put years of thought into this. You are adjusting in months and have minimal if any knowledge about this. I am sorry this is happening to you and if there is anything I can assist you with, let me know.

Things that you should read

Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use dena@susans.org if your unable to PM - Skype and FaceTime available - My Transition
If you are helped by this site, consider leaving a tip in the jar at the bottom of the page or become a subscriber

Offline Broken promises

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2017, 09:54:18 pm »
I know and I realize some people don’t realize it from birth, but I asked him and he said he always knew.  I mean no disrespect whatsoever to anyone, no matter their gender, sexual orientation, religious belief or otherwise- honestly. I’m truly speaking for myself and my situation and the damage that it has caused me personally. 

I have read so many stories and at first I solely read positive stories about how the two people found a common ground and worked through it to transition together to their new normal.  I didn’t want to know the negative.  I didn’t want to feel everyone else’s hurt (I tend to take on everyone’s pain) I wanted only the happy (unrealistic I know) but I tried to make sure I kept an open mind and a positive attitude for him and for us as a whole. 

As time wore on though, I realized how much I was being left out of and fear overtook my quest for only allowing the positive. 

I wanted so much to be the perfect SO and do everything right because I love him so- but the lies- the lies have changed it all- now I’m angry and I’m not an angry person by nature. 

I’m 40 years old (I mean 29 ;) ) I’m in the prime of my life and I have just realized that I cannot be someone’s crutch when they don’t consider me at all- does that make sense or did I ramble? 

And thank you for ending each of your replies with hugs ❤️ I appreciate that!

Offline Mariah

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2017, 10:05:21 pm »
Some part of me fears the same thing with my spouse Broken promises if mine ever does go on hormones.

My spouse is already bi and well seems to love to flirt with guys. So your not alone in thinking that all.

Your being supportive no matter what is a good thing because in the end they likely will stay with you, however you need to be open and honest with how you feel and your concerns. You also need to let them know what your expectations are so you don't get disappointed and hurt more than you already are.

It's why I have tried my best to express my concerns and my expectations to my spouse because I would never want to lose them for someone else. As it is it will be awhile before I get used to the fact that just being married to them now makes me bi even though I'm straight too.

Hello All!  I’m brand new to this site and I’m so glad to have a safe place to discuss this somewhat foreign commonality that most of us have been more than likely blindsided by.  I’m not so much looking for answers, well maybe, but those answers I seek will come with time.  I guess I’m wondering how many other people share my same views and fears.  I thought I would be okay with my fiancé’s transition but the truth is I’m not.  I hate it.  I hate his sneakiness, I hate his lying, I hate being in the dark.  I hate that I’m becoming less and less attracted to him as time goes on.  I’m a straight woman- no doubt about it- I thought love would be enough but it’s not. My biggest fear is that one day the hormoare going to change his (her) attraction to women and he will be solely attracted to men- in fact I can almost feel it happening.  There is so much I don’t understand and even when I ask I’m lied to.  I want to be supportive yet I’m not getting any support in return- I have even asked if he ever thought for a minute about what this would do to me, if he asked his therapist for any literature about how to put himself in my shoes and understand what this could do to me- nope- not a thing- never even cared to inquire.  So do I go on being supportive or just walk away from the only man I have ever loved?
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
mariah2014@susans.org
I am also spouse of genderfluid person.

Offline Broken promises

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2017, 10:49:30 pm »
Thanks, Mariah.  I appreciate your advice very much!  I’m just so scared.  I know there’s not another in this world like him, for me anyway, he was my perfect.

I’ve tried to explain to him that it’s kind of like a period of mourning- it’s like he died and I don’t want to be told I can’t feel a certain way about not having him anymore.  And to be told “I’m still here, I’m the same person, nothing will change”... well... we all know that’s not the truth.  Everything changed. Everything.

I think the most significant change is intimacy.  Things don’t work like they used to.  It’s frustrating.

I know my role as a heterosexual female.  I don’t know my role as a lesbian.  It’s not something I ever considered doing (he knows that about me, I’ve never hidden the fact that I am a very straight female) it’s not something I have ever desired, again, this is not something I kept hidden. 

I don’t care what other people do- to each their own, but for me, I know what I am attracted to and I never ever EVER lied about it.  Now he talks about 1x, just 1x, having a sexual encounter with another MTF person because the idea of a woman with a penis turns him on.  That’s what he’s always desired- ummmm - that’s not fair. If that’s what you have always desired then why be with a clearly heterosexual woman to begin with?

I know that 1x is just so he can get his feet wet in that community but hang on to me just in case it’s not what he really expected or in case he’s not accepted like he wishes to be.  I know this. 

There’s no doubt about it, so why do I continue to hold on?  How in the hell do you just stop loving someone and walk away, just like that, like it never happened?

Ugh!  I’m so scared and confused! 

I don't want to be chastised for my honest feelings- they’re valid- I can’t help them- they are what they are- I just need a place to talk about them and it can’t be at work or with my young daughter.  I just need to be able to vent and get these things off my chest before I lose my mind.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you make it out alive and sane?

Offline Complete

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2017, 11:24:33 pm »
Dear scared.

I am a 70 year old woman with a medical history which happens to include a surgical reconstruction of my primary sexual characteristics. In other words l had what used to be called a sex change in 1972.

Yes, l was one of the early ones. As a consequence, l have lived my entire adult life as a woman. I have been married 4 times, my current marriage going on 17 years.

I have tried to imagine a scenario where any of my husband's came to me with something like what you have described. The truth is I could not handle it. I like men: most everything about them. So my advice would be RUN!  Don't walk, run.

Talk to a counselor if you want, but understand that your fiance will not  change. His needs will not change. Are you willing. to subordinate your needs to his?

My question to you is this. Do you have enough self confidence to move on by yourself and hopefully find someone more suitable to your needs?

Offline Broken promises

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2017, 12:23:31 am »
Your honesty and willingness to see my point of view, even being transgender yourself, is beyond admirable.

You’re right.  I should run.  I shouldn’t have stayed this long.  I guess I will have to throw caution to the wind and do what I (and you) know is inevitably coming.  I guess the name of the game is courage from here on out. 

Thank you for your honest straight forward advice- it really is appreciated.

Offline Sylvia

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #11 on: November 03, 2017, 06:07:45 am »
Hi BP, as a SO, I can understand your feelings. I have sent you a PM.

It is a scary time, and your partner really does have to consider your feelings in this too. I hope you find a way to communicate through this.

I too think that couple therapy should be compulsory in this situation. In spite of what some people on here may say, he IS responsible for your feelings, and if he doesn't consider that he IS being selfish. Not a very female trait, in my opinion.

It will be a transition for you as well as for him, more traumatic for you, as you have no choices in it.
Hope you can find some sort of a way through.

Syl xxx

Offline Faith

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #12 on: November 03, 2017, 07:28:04 am »
this thread tied my stomach up. As one just starting to express my feminine side my wife (very straight) is definitely feeling it. Up to a point I hid what I felt, no so much lie unless it is a lie by omission.

Once I decided that I had to do something I told her. I tell her what I feel, I don't try to explain .. how do you explain? I can't, telling what I feel is all I have. Asking WHY will likely give an unsatisfactory response. I know it would in my case. I encourage her to ask me anything and I answer the best that I can.

honesty and openness, a willingness to share, it's a single most important thing in any relationship.



I am who I am :icon_chick:

Offline MeTony

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #13 on: November 03, 2017, 07:32:18 am »
I came out to my husband some weeks ago. We’ve been a couple for 19 years. Trying to be the perfect wife and mother made me depressed and suicidal. I have always known I am a guy, but denial is a powerful feeling.

I feel like I can’t deny myself anymore if I want to continue my life among the living.

My husband goes through the different stages of crisis. He loves me very much and atm he sends me nice pics of our kids and other funny or nice pictures, he wants me to remember the moments. He makes breakfast and dinner. It is his reaction to this.

I love him too, I love getting breakfast in the morning. BUT it does not change the fact that I am a guy in a woman’s body. My love for him or my kids won’t change. But he is straight. He says he can handle me getting rid of my chest. But nothing more. He can’t imagine being romantic with Tony. Because he is not gay. He fell in love with a tomboy.

He has said if I go all the way, we will still be best friends. But he can’t be romantic with me. He might want a divorce. Move to his own place.

You need openess in your relationship. Nothing is tabu. No secrets. No lies. It’s the only way you can get apart as friends. If you have kids in the picture this is important.




Tony

Offline Mariah

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #14 on: November 03, 2017, 08:51:46 am »
A lie of omission is still a lie and we still feel those when our spouses omit something that is important for us to know so we can keep sane and adjust as a result of your transitions. Honesty and opens is good when your willing to share everything and not omit. Just because you can't explain doesn't mean you can't try.

this thread tied my stomach up. As one just starting to express my feminine side my wife (very straight) is definitely feeling it. Up to a point I hid what I felt, no so much lie unless it is a lie by omission.

Once I decided that I had to do something I told her. I tell her what I feel, I don't try to explain .. how do you explain? I can't, telling what I feel is all I have. Asking WHY will likely give an unsatisfactory response. I know it would in my case. I encourage her to ask me anything and I answer the best that I can.

honesty and openness, a willingness to share, it's a single most important thing in any relationship.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
mariah2014@susans.org
I am also spouse of genderfluid person.

Offline Faith

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #15 on: November 03, 2017, 08:59:32 am »
A lie of omission is still a lie and we still feel those when our spouses omit something that is important for us to know so we can keep sane and adjust as a result of your transitions. Honesty and opens is good when your willing to share everything and not omit. Just because you can't explain doesn't mean you can't try.

I probably chose my words incorrectly. the 'lie by omission' was inclusive in that I was lying to myself at the time. I wasn't trying to lie to her, I was trying not to admit anything to myself. And yes, she knew I was keeping something back.

And I do try to explain, the words just don't seem to come out right. It's still all new to both of us, we're still feeling our way.



I am who I am :icon_chick:

Offline Broken promises

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #16 on: November 03, 2017, 10:06:59 am »
OMG- I cried reading this.  You’re a wonderful himan being- bottom line.  Your morals and values are exemplary! 

I hate to think of you hating your life though... is there a common ground so that you can express yourself too?  I mean there’s nothing wrong with dressing or whatever you like to do...

I hope there is some compromise that is to your benefit.  It can’t all be one sided.  That’s not fair.

Offline Broken promises

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #17 on: November 03, 2017, 10:14:37 am »
Syl!  Thank you!  Thank you so so much! I read your message... I could figure out how to reply to you, perhaps because I’m on mobile, but at any rate, I wanted to thank you and I have taken your advice... talk to you soon! Xoxo

Offline Mariah

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #18 on: November 03, 2017, 10:27:48 am »
Actually Broken Promises the fact you don't have posts is why you can't reply yet. Once you reach 15 that feature will e unlocked.

Mariah

Syl!  Thank you!  Thank you so so much! I read your message... I could figure out how to reply to you, perhaps because I’m on mobile, but at any rate, I wanted to thank you and I have taken your advice... talk to you soon! Xoxo
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
mariah2014@susans.org
I am also spouse of genderfluid person.

Offline gallinarosa

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Re: Scared.
« Reply #19 on: November 03, 2017, 11:21:57 am »
Welcome BP,

This is a hard place to be in. For your relationship to survive, it will take compromises from both sides and lots of open, honest communication. And both side have to be committed to doing that. And being successful in the end may not mean you both get what you want 100%. Right now, what each of you wants is at odds. It could evolve over time and come closer in alignment, or you can both decide to give a little for the sake of your marriage.

On your side, you need to know that your spouse had no choice about being transgender and was likely in denial to some degree which is different than lying to you. Also likely, a lifetime of shame about feelings that don't fit society's norm has led to hiding and lying. This can be worked through in therapy but it might help you to know why. It does not help to harbor blame. Acknowledge your anger about the situation and deal with it without blaming the situation on your spouse.

On your spouse's side, the lying and hiding will need to stop. A good therapist, preferably one who specializes in gender issues, is invaluable. You can go individually and as a couple. It can really help both you communicate better. Your spouse also needs to acknowledge you in this, which doesn't mean to not transition and do whatever you say, just as your spouse shouldn't expect you to go along with whatever they want. It means work together and take care of each other. That's how marriage works. If your spouse lived all those years as a man and presented that way to you, it is not your fault. But now you are where you are and how you deal with it is up to both of you.

Before you run, I would definitely go to counseling together and make sure your spouse understands that the lying and hiding and lack of support you feel are going to drive you away so that at least there is a chance to make amends if that's what your spouse wants. It may or may not work in the end but at least you will feel like you gave it a fair shot.

Best of luck and take care.

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