Author Topic: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)  (Read 29975 times)

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Offline Roll

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #940 on: May 20, 2018, 08:30:24 pm »
I knew I should have double checked. I am easily confused these days. Sometimers y'know? Sorry.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I had mentioned my aunt as well as she had cancer some years back, so made perfect sense to me why would get mixed up. I've covered a lot of ground lately. ;D


Ellie, I am sorry about your Mom and Step Mother. I hope your Step Mother responds well to treatment.

I really love reading your thread. You are making so much progress, it is wonderful.

Thank you for the kind words!! :)
~ Ellie
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I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!


Offline PurpleWolf

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #941 on: May 20, 2018, 11:35:19 pm »

AWESOME AMAZING NEWS  :D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ellie, I told you, didn't I, ;)? That it's so worth it!!!

Just curious... did you come out to him as trans? Or not yet...? (Probably not since you didn't mention that but just wondering.)
!!!REBIRTH=legal name change on Feb 16th 2018!!!
This is where life begins for me. It's a miracle I finally got it done.


My body is the home of my soul; not the other way around.

I'm more than anything an individual; I'm too complex to be put in any box.

- A social butterfly not living in social isolation anymore  ;D -
(Highly approachable but difficult to grasp)


The past is overrated - why stick with it when you are able to recreate yourself every day

Offline Roll

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #942 on: May 21, 2018, 08:55:49 am »
AWESOME AMAZING NEWS  :D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ellie, I told you, didn't I, ;)? That it's so worth it!!!

Just curious... did you come out to him as trans? Or not yet...? (Probably not since you didn't mention that but just wondering.)

I did actually, when I first texting him last Monday. I was even there dressed more female than I have ever been publicly (though still neutral clothes for the most part, that is just who I am :D).
~ Ellie
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■
I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!


Offline Roll

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #943 on: May 21, 2018, 08:04:45 pm »
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

So. I mentioned this elsewhere but now it's time for the whole chimichanga (I like them better than enchiladas).

I made decision earlier today around noon. I was going out in some form or another dressed fully female. My sister surprised me and got home early (last week of school, had her last finals today and so got home early, with only graduation practice the next few days). Sooooooooo, we had super sister bonding time! She did my makeup for me, and it turned out amazing!! (Story continues below.)





So we planned to take the dog for a walk for my first true excursion out. This was a risky choice because of the weather, but more on that in a moment. First we got distracted, and she taught me to play the piano a bit. ;D I've never been able to really get the hang of it before, but she got me pointed in the right direction and we actually got out a decent sounding heart and soul duet, even if it is the cliche of all cliches. Just more fun sister bonding time. :D

Realizing it was starting to actually get late, we head out. Immediately I realize the horrible flaw with the plan: The humidity was absurd and I was wearing full makeup. Not even the good light stuff (my sister was scared of wasting it), so I might as well have been wearing a hockey mask. On top of that, I chose a great outfit that... wasn't exactly heat friendly. Plus, you know, wigs are wigs. But I persevered. At the far end of the walk, we grabbed a picture, and I grabbed another quick selfie a few minutes later. You can see the effects of the humidity on the makeup profoundly in the first picture, and the pure exhaustion and discomfort creeping in on the second.




The makeup was not holding up to the heat and humidity at all and beard shadow was even starting to come through a bit. Certainly a far cry from the first pictures. ;D Though holy crap, the second to last picture shows my boobs are getting big.

But yeah. I survived! We passed by quite a few people, none seem to give me a second glance. Even an older woman who was feet from me on the "I'm about to collapse" leg of the walk didn't look twice. Really wish my time line was shifted six months either way so this was in the winter. :P
~ Ellie
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■
I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!


Online TonyaW

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #944 on: May 21, 2018, 08:16:06 pm »
I think I heard that SQUEEE all the way up here in Wisconsin.  Sounds like it's was a great day for you.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Offline Maddie86

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #945 on: May 21, 2018, 08:46:55 pm »
aw that sounds like a great day! I fight with humidity a lot too, I'm still trying to find a solution to it, but I'm finding now that I'm "out" i'm starting to care less about it lol.

PS, you look great!! I love the new profile pic!
January 8th, 2017- Got sober
February 9th, 2017- Came out to my first friend
March 18th, 2017- First session with therapist
July 8th, 2017- First time in public as Maddie
July 17th, 2017- Started HRT!
April 29th, 2018- Came out to parents!
May 1st, 2018- Came out on social media
May 4th, 2018- Gender marker changed to F

Offline davina61

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #946 on: May 22, 2018, 02:59:08 pm »
Ellie love such wonderful photos, nice to see the real you coming forward. Me thinks its time to join the full time club
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Offline Sarah_P

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #947 on: May 22, 2018, 05:11:02 pm »
Congratulations Ellie!! You look amazing!
--Sarah P

There's a world out there, just waiting
If you only let go what's inside
Live every moment, give it your all, enjoy the ride
- Stan Bush, The Journey




Offline Roll

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #948 on: May 22, 2018, 08:27:41 pm »
<3 you all!

A few random thoughts, none of them related...

1) CVS brand Bacon Ranch Popcorn is strange. It's pretty disgusting but also really addicting.
2) Amazon DynamoDB is the worst. Just... the worst. (Lost twelve hours of my life today on severely outdated documentation and non-intuitive design.)
3) Leaving the house today in guy mode actually triggered more anxiety than leaving the house yesterday in girl mode (I was really confident about it somehow). But, alas, the weather is just too much for makeup and wigs. :( I'm going to be the (still very slightly) bearded woman in the Augusta Pride Parade which is in mid June.
~ Ellie
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■
I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!


Offline Bari Jo

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #949 on: May 22, 2018, 10:47:41 pm »
Ellie, I'm so happy you have gone out as you.  I totally get the anxiety the next day when you aren't you going out.  I dress very femme these days and when I don't I feel just weird about it. I love the pictures too.  You will be passable way before me.  I'm very envious!

Bari Jo
you know how far the universe extends outward? i think i go inside just as deep.

11/6/17 - came out to sister, best day of my life
9/5/17 - formal diagnosis and stopping DIY in favor if prescribed HRT
6/18/17 - decided to stop fighting the trans beast, back on DIY.
Too many ups and downs, DIY, purges of self inbetween dates.
Age 10 - suppression and denial began
Age 8 - knew I was different

Offline Laurie

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #950 on: May 22, 2018, 11:08:24 pm »
 Hey girl humidity happens. Do other girls let it stop them? Gosh darn it, no they don't. You can't let it stop you either. If I can walk over 8 miles with Michelle in 85 degree weather you can wear a darned wig out. Now quit complaining girl and get out a be that girl. Shorts and crop top are cooler.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Offline MaryT

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #951 on: May 23, 2018, 07:21:10 am »
You really do look great, Ellie.  Especially in the indoor photos, I would presume that you were AFAB if I didn't know otherwise.

Offline Shambles

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #952 on: May 25, 2018, 05:06:31 am »
Elle looking at your progress and attutude is truely inspiring, please never stop! The pics are amazing and even though your on the other side of the world i think alot of us can take things away into our own lives.

Keep it going sis x
- Jo / Joanna

16th Nov 17 - Came out to myself
7th Jan 18 - Came out to wife
31st Jan 18 - Referred to GIC / might be seen in 2020

Offline Alaskan Danielle

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #953 on: May 25, 2018, 09:52:09 am »
<3 you all!

A few random thoughts, none of them related...

1) CVS brand Bacon Ranch Popcorn is strange. It's pretty disgusting but also really addicting.
2) Amazon DynamoDB is the worst. Just... the worst. (Lost twelve hours of my life today on severely outdated documentation and non-intuitive design.)
3) Leaving the house today in guy mode actually triggered more anxiety than leaving the house yesterday in girl mode (I was really confident about it somehow). But, alas, the weather is just too much for makeup and wigs. :( I'm going to be the (still very slightly) bearded woman in the Augusta Pride Parade which is in mid June.


@Roll   
Dear Ellie,  thank you for sharing your "random and unrelated thoughts" this morning... 
...oh yeah, as I told @amberwaves  on her thread this morning, we have so much more going on in our lives than "just" our personal roller coasters of HRT, transitioning, and living as a female.
You have not inspired me to perhaps post a similar thing on my thread about my random and unrelated thoughts too.
I appreciate seeing your stream of life updates keeping us all aware of your life journey's ups and downs.
You may not think so, but your sharing does indeed help all of us with what we are dealing with.
I am always looking for your thread and updates ... and pictures too, as you feel comfortable posting them.
Hugs for you,
Danielle
Check out my Personal Threads that have more details about myself (click Links):
   "I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles"
               "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"
                           "Susans Writers and Book Readers"

Started HRT March 2015 3+ years ago, it's been an exciting journey
>>> I've been Full Time since December 2016 :icon_chick:
I am 38 years old, Single, and Self Employed in a small town up in the COLD North.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Offline PurpleWolf

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #954 on: May 25, 2018, 07:27:54 pm »

Poor Ellie.... :D! That was so fun to read though!!! It's great you are able to post even not-so-great pictures here and have a laugh when things go a bit awry! Admire your cheerful character!

And can definitely see the boobs, ;)!
!!!REBIRTH=legal name change on Feb 16th 2018!!!
This is where life begins for me. It's a miracle I finally got it done.


My body is the home of my soul; not the other way around.

I'm more than anything an individual; I'm too complex to be put in any box.

- A social butterfly not living in social isolation anymore  ;D -
(Highly approachable but difficult to grasp)


The past is overrated - why stick with it when you are able to recreate yourself every day

Offline Roll

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #955 on: May 26, 2018, 01:03:33 am »
It was my sister's high school graduation tonight! Unfortunately my phone is dead or I'd post some quick shots I got with her! She wanted me to have event photos I could look back on without hating the way I looked in them! This will now be the first of many to come! (My sister's grand parents by way of my step mother were in town and they are ... uhhh. A little out of it? No one wanted to deal with them with the trans issue. Plus I wasn't ready to go sit in a crowded football stadium with a wig and layered clothes (my best outfits all layers) for 3 hours plus heavy makeup.)
~ Ellie
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■
I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!


Offline Roll

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #956 on: June 04, 2018, 09:26:28 pm »
Oh, before I say what I'm about to, re: the pictures I mentioned last post, they did not turn out too well unfortunately. At least I don't think they did. So yeah, not posting those.  :-X

Anyway. Bit of a downer post tonight. Long story short, I feel like I'm being pushed out of the house by everyone before I think I'll be ready, both emotionally and for logistics. I pushed my sister to be straight forward about her feelings with everything, and she said she wanted to have her final weeks before going off just her and her mom basically. Which... it's not that I don't understand that, and she wasn't trying to be hurtful, but it did hurt nonetheless. Her mom was already pushing it a bit, and I don't know if that comes from her or my sister now. My dad is being spineless about it as per usual and just agrees with whoever he is talking to at any given time.

It sort of stirred up a lot of fears I have, the big one of which is... Jesus, I'm just so incredibly lonely. I feel so isolated most of the time. I do everything in my power to try to help and not get in the way, but yet time and again stuff comes up that makes me feel like I'm just not wanted. And with my step mom's surgery and all that (after her surgery last Tuesday, the results are clear on everything BTW), I don't want to be too ... I dunno, it's definitely not a good time to stir any emotional pots.

I keep my mouth shut to avoid drama, I don't need any more in my life and i also don't want to alienate anyone who is in theory planning to pay my rent for while I finish school (time will tell how reliable that is, I'm thinking not very). The truth I just want to scream. Every time I hear someone say "spend time with _____ before ______" (be it moving, college, surgery, vacation, whatever...) I just want to remind them of what they took from me and my brother when we were kids (divorce). Remind everyone that sure, it sounds all neat and symmetric that my sister is the "last one out", but so what? What about what the hell I needed at even younger ages? What about what the hell my brother needed even younger than that? Remind them of all the times I was ignored and treated like garbage. The endless "we're coming to visit this weekend" from my dad. Which then became "next weekend". And then "next weekend". And every time I would do what I could to crawl out of my anxiety and agoraphobia just for a quick dinner, only to find out last minute "next weekend". All culminating in the greatest blow of all, as they would then show up without warning, stop by to see my other brother who lived near me and my mom, and never even tell me they were there. I'd find out later of course, with some lame excuse about being a hurry. I want to scream about the years of pain and agony as I struggled with my issues without any support from anyone but my mom basically since I was 15. About how I never once, in my entire goddamn life, was the first blank in the "spend time with _____" scenario.

I don't think any of this is even a secret. I think they just don't care. They do what they want to do. They literally sneak out behind my back on things. "Family" dinners out to eat that apparently don't mean all family. I have literally heard my dad and step mother say "we're going to run errands" only for them to come back an hour later after meeting up with my sister (after school/work/etc usually) for dinner. No errands. No roundabout trips. They just plain didn't want to invite me. Aside from a single dinner for my sister's graduation celebration, I literally don't think I've shared a meal with anyone else here aside from my step brother (whole different can of worms there) that wasn't freaking me cooking up a meal in an attempt to try to not be a burden because I'm apparently in such desperate need of validation I don't take the freaking hint when I'm kicked in the gut repeatedly.

And when I truly need people, I feel abandoned. I KNEW this would happen, I KNEW it. But yet I'm still somehow surprised. So my hair transplants are next Friday. I have to be there first thing in the morning (like 7 AM) and its a few hours away, so I have to stay a hotel right near there the night before. The problem is I can't drive myself back because of the nitrous and other medicines. (Plus I don't know what the situation will be just in general in terms of pain or discomfort, and I'm an inexperienced enough driver even minor irritations might be too much on the interstate.) For a while now it's been "Oh, we can all go spend the evening up there and have a mini vacation then bring you back in the morning!". I even planned to hopefully spend the day fully female because it may be my last chance for a bit until the transplants heal a little. Nope. Now it's basically someone, still unclear who, dropping me off so I can sit in a hotel room alone all evening, and maybe then me paying another night for a hotel room just to hang out in it for a few hours past check out while someone picks me up. Odds are they are pawning me off on my step brother (the only person worse off here than me, but he does a lot of that to himself so I won't even go into that).

God, the more I've typed, which I really didn't even begin to intend to go into all of that, the more I want to just move now if it was logistically possible.

I just don't understand it all. I haven't since the day I came down here after my mom died. This is not how I was raised. This is not how my mom was at all. My mom welcomed everyone for everything, did everything in her power to help out everyone who needed it at all times. I didn't understand how wonderful that truly was, and I took it for granted. I regret turning her down on every meal out, on every little thing, even if it was born of severe anxiety/agoraphobia(rooted in the suppressed gender expression).

I'm just... god, I'm just fundamentally lonely.
~ Ellie
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■
I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!


Offline Megan.

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #957 on: June 05, 2018, 12:20:06 am »
Big hug girl. That old saying you can pick your friends but not your family comes to mind.

My friends ARE my family, they are in my life alot more, and they frankly mean more to me alot of the time.

We may not be with you in person, but there are a heck of alot of people here who care about you, unconditionally.

Hang in there, and look out for new friends who you can make YOUR family.

X

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Offline Stevi

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #958 on: June 05, 2018, 07:17:17 am »
Ellie,

I care, too.

Hugs,
Stevi

Offline Susan Baum

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Re: The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)
« Reply #959 on: June 05, 2018, 08:46:08 am »
Ellie,

Oh, that deafening sound of loneliness, the roar of the quietness, the din of your own breathing.
Is anyone here but I? In a room full of people, why am I still alone? Why can't they see me?
Does anyone realize there's a difference between solitude and solitary?

I've followed but never written in your thread before - but I know only too well how deeply the death of one's confidantes, biggest supporters and best friends hurts and for all the platitudes, there are still no comforting words - yet...

Sweet lady, I care as well. You are loved.

Susan
Aging is inevitable - growing up is optional.

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