Author Topic: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne  (Read 41567 times)

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Offline Jayne01

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Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« on: November 08, 2017, 06:20:33 pm »
Hello everyone.

I have decided to start this thread as a diary/blog of my progress as I figure myself out going down this bumpy road. I figured it would be better to try and keep things within the one thread rather than start a new topic every time I want to share something new.

I’m not really sure how to start this without presenting a great big wall of text, so I might keep this first post reasonably short and then just add things as they come to me.

Steph, I have read through your chronicles and you inspired me to start my own. Now onto my introduction to this topic before I create that wall of text I mentioned.

I am a 45 yo trans woman from Sydney, Australia. I am calling myself Jayne, for now. (That may change once this all becomes real and I am out in public. But I like Jayne.) I have the most incredible wife who is supporting me through this rough road.

I am sharing my experiences in this blog to hopefully help others, but also to help myself heal. I look forward to meeting you.

Jayne



Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2017, 06:25:08 pm »
Oh I was in Sydney for the past month! Would have loved to meet you.


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Offline Jayne01

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2017, 06:31:13 pm »
Hi Charlie, I hope you had a good time while visiting Sydney. Where are you from?



Offline Jayne01

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Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2017, 07:34:53 pm »
I have had several false starts on this journey of mine. I have lost count how many times I joined this forum only to end up leaving and deleting my account. Most times I have rejoined with the same username but a couple of times I tried a different name. I seem to always come back to Jayne. This time feels different. I gave myself enough time away from this forum to try and find myself. I needed to find my own way and as kind hearted and well meaning the replies to my previous posts were, I was not in a good mental place to recognise that people were trying to help me. I allowed myself to spiral down into depression and would then delete my account and rid myself of all things trans related. That was due to my emotional immaturity. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone’s feelings by the way I may have behaved in the past. But the past is the past and this is the new me, and as the title says, Life is Better as Me!

I tried starting low dose HRT back in June this year. I was taking estrogen only. That lasted for about 2 months, by the end of which I was on a very high dose of estrogen. I then stopped the hormones completely while having another one of my many meltdowns. That lasted until 6 September 2017, the day I started taking a full transition dose of HRT.

I didn’t feel much at first. But before I knew it I was starting to feel something strange in my chest. Things were starting to develop. Psychologically, I still didn’t really feel anything from the HRT. Now that it has been 2 months, I have some visible breast growth (which I am absolutely thrilled about) and during this past week have been feeling a euphoric feeling. I am happy for the first time in a very long time. Yesterday I received in the mail the results from my latest blood test. My T and E levels are now well within the female range.....yiipeee!! So I guess as far as hormone levels are concerned, I am now female. I will take that as a small win.

I still present as male. I am not out to anyone other than my wife and health care providers I am dealing with. I will soon have to find a way to tell my family. It doesn’t seem fair to show up one day sporting a brand new pair of breasts and say “Surprise!!! I’m a girl”. It will be very difficult coming out to them. My brother and sister will likely be ok, but my parents will have a hard time with it.

I’ll stop typing for now. I will probably make a few more posts to describe how I arrived to where I am now then I will mostly post about how things are going as I progress.

Take care.

Jayne



Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2017, 08:02:13 pm »
 Interesting journey Jayne! Glad that you are moving forward. And I am from Colombia :)


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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2017, 10:35:29 pm »
Go Jayne! I'm so glad to see you getting started in such a positive way. I'm popping the popcorn and intend to binge-watch this show.

Steph


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/11/2017 * GCS Consultation at Mt. Sinai 3/16/2018 * Began FFS Consultations June/July 2018 * FFS Consultation with FacialTeam 8/30/2018

Offline Jayne01

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Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #6 on: November 08, 2017, 10:48:16 pm »
I just figured out how to add a ticker thingy at the bottom of my posts showing the time since starting HRT. I usually use tapatalk to access the forum, because it is easier when using my phone. But the few times I log into the website, I can now see how long since I started HRT. Yay!

This seems like a strange thing for me to get excited about. I’m just feeling so good that even little things like adding a ticker’majig to my signature line is exciting.

Jayne

EDIT: I think I figured out how to add the ticker to tapatalk as well.



Offline Jayne01

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Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #7 on: November 08, 2017, 11:11:28 pm »
I just remembered about something I had found at work some time ago. I picked it up and I took a closer look, it stopped me dead in my tracks! This was at a time when I was sort of, kind of accepting who I am, but not really. I was desperately trying to get my wife and my therapist to just tell me who I am and what to do about it. Then I found this thing and it felt like I was hit by a lightning bolt. Was this some kind of sign? Here is a photo of the item in question:





I immediately started looking for a place to plug it in so that it can do what it claims on its label. Lol

Jayne







Offline Dena

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #8 on: November 08, 2017, 11:16:37 pm »
I have a few of those scattered around the house that I acquired long after surgery. Mine are bigger so I guess they are heavy duty  ???
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Online Steph2.0

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #9 on: November 08, 2017, 11:41:44 pm »

Wow. That reminded me of something that I'd completely forgotten about, but had to have happened at least fifteen years ago.

I was attempting to hook up an RS-232 serial interface from my Mac laptop to my old Garmin GPS so I could see moving maps through the old Street Atlas software. I had cables everywhere, and a 9 pin D-sub gender changer with a very similar label was laying on the desk. My wife saw it and said, "Hey, that looks like what you need!"

It felt like I'd just grabbed a hot spark plug wire. This was long before I was ready to admit that I was trans. She knew about my cross-dressing, but other than wearing nightgowns to bed, I'd kept everything out of sight and only dressed while she wasn't home.

If only I'd been brave enough to take that opportunity back then to go further, imagine where I'd be today. But hey, as Kendra says, that's hormones under the bridge. I'm addressing the situation now, and couldn't be happier about it.

It's no wonder she wasn't too shocked by my eventual transition. She'd been unconsciously preparing for it for years.

Steph


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/11/2017 * GCS Consultation at Mt. Sinai 3/16/2018 * Began FFS Consultations June/July 2018 * FFS Consultation with FacialTeam 8/30/2018

Offline Jayne01

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2017, 02:08:01 am »
Interesting journey Jayne! Glad that you are moving forward. And I am from Colombia :)

Thank you Charlie. I am very happy that I have finally started moving in the right direction. The closest I have been to Colombia is Argentina.....so not that close. What brought you to Sydney?



Offline Jayne01

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #11 on: November 09, 2017, 02:10:34 am »
I have a few of those scattered around the house that I acquired long after surgery. Mine are bigger so I guess they are heavy duty  ???
Do they work faster being heavy duty? Maybe I should Aquire some of my own.



Offline Jayne01

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #12 on: November 09, 2017, 02:19:52 am »
Steph, your wife’s comment must have really caught you off guard. You must feel very lucky to have such a wonderful partner, I know I do.

Kendra is right, that is in the past which cannot be changed. And during those past 15 years you kept developing as a person to be who you are today. If you had transitioned back then, your life may have taken a different path and you would be a different person today. I personally am glad things turned out this way. We have only just met and you have already inspired me to start my own blog and reignited my passion for flying. I like the person you are now.

Jayne



Offline Chloe M

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #13 on: November 09, 2017, 04:18:13 am »
Thanks for starting this thread. Like you I'm a late starter so will be watching with much interest. Great reading the other posters input as well and thanks all for sharing xx
Taking my first steps introducing Chloe to the world after much angst and soul searching xx

Offline Jayne01

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #14 on: November 09, 2017, 05:22:54 pm »
Hi Chloe, I am already feeling like creating this thread is helping me. I’m glad that you and others may also benefit as well. We are all here to try and help each other and also have a bit of fun along the way.

Jayne



Offline Jayne01

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #15 on: November 10, 2017, 06:04:27 am »
*** Be warned, this turned out to be a long post ***

Today was interesting. When I woke up this morning I was feeling the euphoric high I have been on for the last few days was wearing off. That was to be expected, I can’t stay feeling in such a high indefinitely.

Rewind a little to last night before going to bed. I dug out a sleeping shirt I had purchased about 18 months ago when I had a brief period of trying to accept who I am. My wife had helped me buy some women’s jeans and a nice top which I had worn for a week or two. I also bought this sleeping shirt from the women’s section of the shop. I’m not sure what it’s called, it’s kind of like a long t-shirt that goes almost down to my knees, has long sleeves and is nice and soft. It is pink and grey with a cartoon print. Quite girly. Anyway, I had a meltdown back then and got rid of my female clothes, except for the sleepwear. I put that away in case my wife wanted to wear it. So getting back to last night, I said to my wife that I wanted to start wearing that sleep shirt again and if it was ok with her. Of course she had no problem. So I put it on and went to bed. I soon started feeling like a guy wearing girls clothes. The old me would have let these thoughts run around my mind and kept escalating until I got myself depressed, ashamed and hate myself and eventually have a huge meltdown. This time, when I started having these thoughts, I told myself that I am not a guy in girls clothes. I am a woman that currently just happens to look like a guy, wearing my own clothes.

It didn’t instantly make me feel better, but I did eventually feel more like myself and that I was just wearing my own clothes.

When I woke up this morning, I saw what I was wearing. It felt nice wearing it, but i was a little sad that I am not yet where I need to be. I have a long way to go...... sigh! Don’t get me wrong, I am still very happy that I am moving forward and each day I am a little closer to becoming me.

During the day, I have been thinking a lot about what I have been through the past couple of years. During that time I had hit rock bottom. I lost my will to live and very nearly ended myself more than once. After hitting bottom, I would, with the tireless efforts of my therapist and support from my wife, eventually start feeling better. However, I would soon hit bottom again. This cycle repeated many times, effectively bouncing along the bottom. How I made it through that period is a mystery. I am glad I survived.

On the 6th September this year, I started taking a full transition dose of HRT. A week later my wife and I went on a holiday which turned out to be what I consider the best holiday we have ever been on. I was feeling great. The HRT started having some real effects on me physically (soft skin and breast development), but I didn’t notice any real psychological relief. That changed a couple weeks ago. I had a mini meltdown because I was worried about disappointing my wife due to me starting to grow breasts, and the guilt I was feeling almost dragged me back to the bottom again. My wife reminded me how much she loves me and that she truly believes we were meant to be together. Hearing those words was exactly what I needed. It was like a slap in the face. I told myself “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” I will not allow myself to fall back into the destructive cycle I was in before. I am transgender. And just in case I somehow didn’t like the term “transgender” somewhere deep in my subconscious, I also said that “I am a woman trapped in a man’s body”, in case that sounded better to me.

That is the day my life started to change for the better. My guilt faded away, I started smiling again and I gave myself a whole new lease on life. That is the day that I unlocked the door and gave Jayne permission to enter the world.

Jayne is shy and afraid to come out because she looks and sounds like a man. She has spent her entire life locked away in a cage, but she is gaining confidence every day.

I have never been more certain about who I am than I do now.  I am very excited to finally be on the right path for me. Life is good!

If you managed to read through all that text without losing interest, thank you.

Jayne



Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #16 on: November 10, 2017, 07:19:00 am »
 Jayne, I read all of it and it was wonderful. It gave me a little bit of relief since I’m going through a hard time myself. It makes me happy to read that you were able to bounce back from the dark hole you were in. I hope things continue going great for you.


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Offline jordn

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #17 on: November 10, 2017, 07:40:53 am »
It is great to read your blog. In a way, I can relate to it because I also write a diary even though I don't share it with anyone because I am introverted. I am definitely gonna follow this thread.

Offline Jayne01

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #18 on: November 10, 2017, 09:38:04 am »
Charlie, I am glad my posts are able to help you a little. The one thing I have learnt from my experience is that even though you may not be able to see out of the dark while you are in it, things DO get better.

Jordn, I’m glad you are enjoying my blog. It is helping me to write this stuff down. If my posts help others then that is a bonus. I also enjoy reading the comments people leave and interacting with other members.

Thank you for reading.

Jayne



Offline Jayne01

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Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #19 on: November 11, 2017, 04:22:05 am »
I just had a funny moment at work and just smiled to myself.

I was talking with one of my coworkers, who happens to be my closest friend at work (but not close enough to come out to him yet). I was asking him about buying a Christmas present for my 2.5 yo niece. He has a daughter and was offering some ideas. The funny part was when he said to me that we are guys and think differently to girls, who generally like different things to boys. I wonder what my face looked like when he said that. I was thinking if only you knew how much of a guy I actually am!!!

Jayne
« Last Edit: November 11, 2017, 09:07:46 am by Jayne01 »



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