Author Topic: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne  (Read 44875 times)

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Online Jayne01

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #880 on: May 19, 2018, 05:15:08 pm »
And yes, we can all see the cracked caterpillar shell of yours and some carefully spread wings!
Thanks Sarah. You made me smile with this statement you made. It painted a nice image in my mind.

Jayne, I think your analogy is an excellent one.  Our support group uses a butterfly as its logo for that exact reason.
Thank you Kathy! I came up with this analogy on my own, but did not expect it to be unique. I’m sure if I did a search on the forum, I would find other references to the same thing. I personally find it very fitting and and it helps me better make sense of how I feel.

Jayne



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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #881 on: May 21, 2018, 09:01:56 am »
Its a bit of a rough night at work tonight with raging dysphoria. I don’t really know what the trigger was. It kind of snuck up and on me. I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. Thankfully my shift ends in about an hour so I can go home and sleep....hopefully!

My wife and I are staying at a hotel in the city Thursday and Friday nights. I would really like to be able to let Jayne out for those days. It has felt so liberating the last few weeks when I went into the city as myself. I’m not sure my wife will be ok with being out in public with Jayne. I can’t even talk to her about it until Wednesday afternoon because our work shifts are completely opposite. She will be asleep when I get home and she leaves long before I wake up.

I wish I knew what triggered my dysphoria tonight. There has been a pattern lately where I become more restless and agitated towards the end of my work week. Being John for too long is starting to take its toll on my sanity. It is getting harder for me to see Jayne in the mirror again which makes me more dysphoric. It’s a vicious cycle.

I know this will pass and I just need to ride out the storm. It helps to come here and vent this crap out of my system.

Jayne



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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #882 on: May 21, 2018, 09:11:34 am »
Oh no Jayne! So sorry to hear dysphoria sneaking up on you. Not fully knowing what causes the dysphoria, is usually the worst.

I can fully understand you being more agitated towards the end of the week, and the looming added 2 days of having to be John may not help much either.

I remember the one and only time I had to go in male mode somewhere for my wife really took a toll on me, even tough I still wore predominantly female clothes, knowing that I have to hide was such an odd feeling.

Yes, it will pass! can you see the rainbow peaking through the clouds?

Hugs - Sarah

Its a bit of a rough night at work tonight with raging dysphoria. I don’t really know what the trigger was. It kind of snuck up and on me. I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. Thankfully my shift ends in about an hour so I can go home and sleep....hopefully!

My wife and I are staying at a hotel in the city Thursday and Friday nights. I would really like to be able to let Jayne out for those days. It has felt so liberating the last few weeks when I went into the city as myself. I’m not sure my wife will be ok with being out in public with Jayne. I can’t even talk to her about it until Wednesday afternoon because our work shifts are completely opposite. She will be asleep when I get home and she leaves long before I wake up.

I wish I knew what triggered my dysphoria tonight. There has been a pattern lately where I become more restless and agitated towards the end of my work week. Being John for too long is starting to take its toll on my sanity. It is getting harder for me to see Jayne in the mirror again which makes me more dysphoric. It’s a vicious cycle.

I know this will pass and I just need to ride out the storm. It helps to come here and vent this crap out of my system.

Jayne

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #883 on: May 21, 2018, 10:23:42 am »
Sorry to hear that the big D is still biting you.  It likely is just having to be "him" for several days in a row that does it.  Be yourself any chance you get.  (Ha, like you need to be told that!  ::) )  And come here to vent any time you need to.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #884 on: May 21, 2018, 10:31:41 am »
Sorry to hear that the big D is still biting you.  It likely is just having to be "him" for several days in a row that does it.  Be yourself any chance you get.  (Ha, like you need to be told that!  ::) )  And come here to vent any time you need to.
Thanks Kathy. Yeah being John for several days in a row takes its toll on me. It makes it harder because I don’t dislike being John, he just doesn’t fit me anymore.



Offline Karen

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #885 on: May 21, 2018, 07:29:42 pm »
Hi Jayne.   So sorry to hear about your Dysphoria levels.   

It will pass.   It probably is the length of time in male mode, and the frustration with not being able to fully be Jayne when home and with your wife.  I know you know this, keep finding ways to be Janye in big and small ways. 

Mine all gets stronger when I feel stressed, exhausted or when I feel like I have to leave Karen behind. 

Hang in there.

Hugs

Karen
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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #886 on: May 21, 2018, 08:15:56 pm »
Hi Jayne.   So sorry to hear about your Dysphoria levels.   

It will pass.   It probably is the length of time in male mode, and the frustration with not being able to fully be Jayne when home and with your wife.  I know you know this, keep finding ways to be Janye in big and small ways. 

Mine all gets stronger when I feel stressed, exhausted or when I feel like I have to leave Karen behind. 

Hang in there.

Hugs

Karen
Hi Karen, thank you for your support. You are correct, the length of time in male mode is getting harder and harder to deal with as time goes on. There are some other factors that have also contributed which I can’t talk about here in public. Nothing bad, more of an inconvenience that is occupying my mind, like when a cute little chipmunk crawls into your roof space and runs around up there making noise (or am I thinking of squirrels?).

Yeah, the thought of having to leave Jayne behind is very distressing.

Hug,
Jayne



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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #887 on: May 22, 2018, 10:36:56 pm »
The last few days have been kind of rough on me. Dysphoria was present and very loud and added to that I was experiencing a kind of grief for missing my teenage girl years. I thought I had that grief under control, but it caught me by surprise and I wasn’t prepared for the emotional effects. It doesn’t help when Jayne is securely locked away in the closet when I am at work. I progressively feel worse as my work week goes on and I am feeling rather low by the time my last night shift comes around. I cried my eyes out for most of the one hour drive home from work this morning. This cycle seems to repeat itself each week becoming more intense each time. A good friend has been helping me avoid a complete meltdown (Thank you Sarah ❤️)

Jayne does NOT like being in a closet. She wants out!!! Unfortunately, I can’t let her out permanently yet. My wife is not ready for that and I definitely do not want to lose her. I am still progressing with electrolysis and therapy and letting Jayne out when I do get an opportunity. I just want to start living my life the way it was meant to be....sigh!

I am feeling much better now after a good sleep and putting my work week behind me and starting my rostered days off work. I am looking forward to the next 4 days, resetting my brain and preparing for the next 4 days at work, repeating the cycle. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I am not giving up, Jayne WILL be free one of these days!

Jayne



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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #888 on: May 22, 2018, 11:48:49 pm »
Jayne, sorry you had to go through bad dysphoria this week, I’m glad you are feeling a little better after some sleep. It has to be exhausting going days without being Jayne, I think it’s understandable that you get upset by the end of your shifts. On the up side you have 4 days to enjoy being you, although electrolysis isn’t very enjoyable but at least it is a step closer to being Jayne.

Hope you find time to spend some you time in the city while you are off, and look forward to some more lovely waterfront shots of Jayne in the winter sun.

I guess your wife needs more time and you know I understand that from my posts, I hope your time comes soon though.

Hugs

Nicole

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #889 on: May 23, 2018, 08:34:12 am »
Thank you Nicole. My wife and I are spending s couple of nights at a hotel in the city from tomorrow. We reached a compromise where I can be Jayne one day and John the next. I think that’s fair. I will be toning down the Jayne look a little too. That should be tolerable for me (I hope). The relationship with my wife is of utmost importance. I am willing to do whatever is within my power so as not to ruin my marriage.

Jayne



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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #890 on: May 23, 2018, 11:56:09 am »
Thank you Nicole. My wife and I are spending s couple of nights at a hotel in the city from tomorrow. We reached a compromise where I can be Jayne one day and John the next. I think that’s fair. I will be toning down the Jayne look a little too. That should be tolerable for me (I hope). The relationship with my wife is of utmost importance. I am willing to do whatever is within my power so as not to ruin my marriage.

Jayne

@Jayne01
Jayne:  Compromise is a very wise and a good start to solving relationship issues...  it is very understandable that many times when one is transitioning that it can be more difficult for the spouse or life partner. ....   and YES, you are right on, the relationship with your wife is of utmost importance...

Thank you for sharing this bit of very personal information on your thread.  As always, please keep your updates coming! 

You obviously have our support here on the Forums...
... and our HUGS...
...starting with my big HUG and perhaps a 2nd bigger HUG,
Danielle
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Offline Kendra

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #891 on: May 23, 2018, 02:01:03 pm »
Jayne, more power to ya.  And as time goes on and your confidence grows, you might find what I did for myself...  finding more balanced ways to dress ('xcept when I wanna get wild) and letting the happiness I am experiencing show.  I wear a fraction of the makeup I started with after realizing it's more about mannerisms, speech habits and other cues.  I've had people I think were on the fence regarding my transition come up to me later and say they can't help but like the change.  When you are happy, don't hide it. 

Given enough time your wife might discover she likes Jayne better than John.  And time goes fast.
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, GCS-2 & BA 7/2018. 

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #892 on: May 23, 2018, 03:59:08 pm »
Danielle, thank you so much for your reply. It’s 6:30am here now and my wife and I are just getting up and making ourselves ready for our mini city getaway. This has been a difficult journey for the both of us, and at times, I think harder for my wife than for me. When I feel down, I try reminding myself what it must be like for her. It is hard for me to imagine how much of a crushing blow my coming out as trans must have been. She once told me that when I was trying to come out to her, she had thought I was going to tell her I was gay or having an affair, and then went on to say that either of those would have been better than me being trans. The having an affair part was a little hurtful at the time, because in her mind she somehow thought that I was even capable of cheating on her, which I am not. That gave me some idea of how hard my news had hit her. I later came to realise that I was in fact bringing another woman into our relationship......Jayne!

There are moments when it feels I am in an impossible situation where one of us (my wife or me) will end up living a miserable life. I am moving as slow as I can possibly bear, looking for and trying to navigate the best path for both of us. So far, this plan is working and my wife is still trying to understand and sticking by me, and we are both still happy. I can’t ask for more than that.

I am grateful for the support I get from my friends here at Susan’s. You all help to get me through the harder times.

I am returning your big HUG and 2nd bigger HUG, and throwing in a 3rd big HUG, for good measure.

Jayne



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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #893 on: May 23, 2018, 04:08:00 pm »
Kendra, thank you for stopping by to comment. I am discovering the happier person inside me when I can be Jayne. I am trying to be very open with my wife so that she can get to know Jayne and hopefully like me better as Jayne than John. As John, I was not capable of emotions. There was a fortress around me that made it impossible for anyone to get to know me properly. My wife managed to break through that fortress many years ago and now Jayne is knocking down the remaining walls. I have high hopes that time will allow Jayne to be free and show the world who I really am.

Hugs,
Jayne



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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #894 on: May 23, 2018, 04:37:57 pm »
Kendra, thank you for stopping by to comment. I am discovering the happier person inside me when I can be Jayne. I am trying to be very open with my wife so that she can get to know Jayne and hopefully like me better as Jayne than John. As John, I was not capable of emotions. There was a fortress around me that made it impossible for anyone to get to know me properly. My wife managed to break through that fortress many years ago and now Jayne is knocking down the remaining walls. I have high hopes that time will allow Jayne to be free and show the world who I really am.

Hugs,
Jayne

Jayne, this is a really good point.   

I know Karen is a lot more relaxed and fun than the male non-me.   When I let her out and the anxiety and dysphoria is not there, she is great to be and probably even better to be with.  I think you are right in how we let our partners get to know us, so they are not paralyzed by the exterior expression and get to see the true person.   Ironically, the emotional part of me was a lot closer to Karen when my wife and I met 32 years ago.  Fun, outgoing, loving...

Hugs

Karen
Karen

* felt different like I did not fit, with strong feminine feelings and gender questions my entire life
* Sept 2016 - January 2017 real began to seriously question and research gender
* August 2017 friend explains transgender and gender vs sexual orientation, and immediately felt shock and begin to believe I maybe transgender
* March 2018 after 3 therapists, accepts I am transgender and am transitioning
* July 18, 2018 began HRT

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #895 on: May 23, 2018, 05:15:29 pm »
Jayne,

Your present situation is a lot like mine was some years ago.  My wife and I would do traveling with some girl time mixed into the boy time.  Over time, we have progressed to the present where I am almost 24/7 Stevi.  I am myself around my wife all the time.  I have a few boxes to check off (waiting to get the documents back for name change and gender marker and one particular friend to reveal in person and the gym management) before I make full disclosure to most everyone that is of any importance in my life.  I am rarely in the presence of most of them so about all that will change for most of them is my name.  I will continue to look just as I do now over the phone or via email.  My newer acquaintances know me as Stevi.

Life is good for us.  Life still has its problems but being transgender is no longer the one that eclipses all the others for either me or my wife.

I guess what I am trying to say is that a slow and steady course can get you and wife to where you and your wife would like to be.  That is- Happy, together, moving into the future.

Patience, my dear,
Stevi

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #896 on: May 26, 2018, 06:08:42 pm »
Hi everyone,

I’ve been away from the forum for a few days. My wife and I had a mini getaway, staying at a hotel in the city for 2 nights. The city centre is about 65km (40mi) from where we live. Once in a while we stay at a hotel in the heart of the city and pretend we are tourists in our own town. We had a joint therapy session on Thursday. It was a tough session, but it did bring us closer together for the remainder of our mini getaway. I got to dress as Jayne on Thursday, although I did tone it down for my wife. I only wore my girl jeans and the same top and scarf I am wearing in my profile pic. No makeup and no proper bra (I wore my sports bra to conceal my boobs as much as possible). I was ok with the compromise. Friday and Saturday was full boy mode.

We went for a long hike on Friday. After breakfast, we took a ferry to Manly (about a half hour ride). From Manly there is a trail that follows the shoreline of Sydney Harbour all the way back into the city. It was a 31km (20mi) hike from the ferry wharf at Manly back to our hotel in the city and took us a little under 7.5 hours. It was a beautiful day, with lovely scenery and the company of my wonderful wife. It really could not have been a better day.





Friday night we went out to have a look at the Vivid Sydney lights. Every year, for about 3 weeks, there is a light festival in Sydney. The Opera House is always impressive the way it is illuminated with an animated light display. Here are a couple photos I took on the night.





Saturday ended up being a little rough on me with my dysphoria feeling very intense. I had sore muscles and feeling tired from the big hike on Friday, so had very little energy to spare to manage my dysphoria. Almost every female we encountered while roaming around the city on Saturday was triggering for me. Putting Jayne in the closet while feeling tired and being in an environment where there are lots of women of all ages dressed nicely, was very hard to cope with. It also made me feel very conflicted with feeling so dysphoric and at the same time feeling happy in the company of my wife. It seemed like contradicting emotions being felt simultaneously.

Overall, it was an awesome few days spending quality time with my wife.

I am back to work today and so far seems like it’s going to be a quiet day. Hopefully it will give me a chance to catch up on other peoples threads throughout the day.

Hugs,
Jayne



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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #897 on: May 26, 2018, 07:58:17 pm »
Hi everyone,


.....Putting Jayne in the closet while feeling tired and being in an environment where there are lots of women of all ages dressed nicely, was very hard to cope with. It also made me feel very conflicted with feeling so dysphoric and at the same time feeling happy in the company of my wife. It seemed like contradicting emotions being felt simultaneously.



Hugs,
Jayne
I love visiting Sydney and going to Manly on the ferry was always a real treat.

I understand those conflicted feelings. I think being trans teaches is to cope with some awful conflicts like the one you describe but I can relate and think of a number of situations where similar has occurred.

Hope you are feeling better and getting back on top of things

Take care

Liz


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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #898 on: May 26, 2018, 09:12:18 pm »
Sydney and manly were great when I was there. Enjoyed  riding the ferries every where. Spent just over two weeks and then three weeks in Adelaide and a couple days in Melbourne.
Need to go back one day
December 2015 noticed strange feelings moving in
December 2016 started to understand what my body has been telling me all my life, started wearing a bra for comfort full time
Spiro and dutastricide 2017
Mid year 2017 Started dressing and going out shopping etc by myself
October T 14.8 / 456
Came out to my wife in December 2017
January 2018 dressing androgenes and still have face hair
Feb 2018 Dressing full time in female clothing out at work and to friends and family, clean shaven and make up
Living full time March 1 2018
March T 7.4 / 236
April 19th eligard injection, no more Testosterone
June 19th a brand new freshly trained HRT and transgender care doctor for me. Only a one day waiting list to become her patient 😍

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Re: Life is Better as Me, by Jayne
« Reply #899 on: May 26, 2018, 10:45:10 pm »
I love visiting Sydney and going to Manly on the ferry was always a real treat.

I understand those conflicted feelings. I think being trans teaches is to cope with some awful conflicts like the one you describe but I can relate and think of a number of situations where similar has occurred.

Hope you are feeling better and getting back on top of things

Take care

Liz


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Yeah, the ferry ride to Manly is very nice, especially on a beautiful autumn sunny day.

I am feeling better, thank you. I work in an all male workplace. Apart from seeing a few female flight attendants, pilots or passengers, I don’t see many women to trigger my dysphoria during my work day. It is usually the opposite, as I have previously talked about, where the immersion in a male workplace throughout my work week causes Jayne to get pushed further and further into the closet. I am pretty sure that if I worked in an office environment or some other workplace where there are lots of women, my dysphoria would have peaked years ago and I would have been addressing these trans issues long ago.

Jayne is on a mission to be set free. I cannot hold her back for much longer. She wants OUT!!!

Jayne



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