Author Topic: How to introduce yourself pre-hormones?  (Read 452 times)

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Offline PurpleWolf

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How to introduce yourself pre-hormones?
« on: November 17, 2017, 03:20:52 am »

Whenever you meet a new person (or did, pre-everything), how do you go about it? I.e., when you don't pass and people read you as your assigned gender?

To me, passing has a lot to do with confidence... When I used to pass (sort of), I had no trouble walking in the men's room for example. As of now, I don't currently pass (at all) so I guess people assume I'm a woman. Though I obviously present as male and have a low voice and everything. To me, not being properly able to bind my chest tight currently makes me VERY self-conscious about going into the men's bathroom... I avoid public bathrooms like the plague - I feel mortified going into the women's and too embarrassed/out of place to dare to use the men's... and so on.

To be honest, I live in almost complete social isolation because I don't feel like meeting new people when they can't see me as true me :/. I literally feel like I can't take it. Don't get me wrong, I'm social by character and don't have any social anxiety per se about getting normal things like shopping done. And I can chat with people (like clerks) just fine. Only I find it difficult to form any deeper relationships because I really hate to be perceived as a woman.

I'm not in the closet either - I try to be as genuine as possible and "real me" and I'm not pretending to be a woman or anything. But without hormones you can only get so far...

This means that when I have to interact with someone (like in a store) I don't really care what they think of me and me having a low voice etc. And since I don't plan to see them ever again, I don't state that "btw I'm a man/transgender/whatnot". I don't feel necessary to "explain" myself and my looks and everything in any way. I'd rather think they perceive me as man or at least non-binary or something "weirdo" in-between, ;). But undoubtedly they just think I'm a woman... which I'd rather not think about!

But... so when do you introduce yourself as transgender or man/woman? I think this is a bit different than "coming out as transgender" to someone when you have been on hormones for a while... and so people already perceive you as your desired gender. I think then it's about "need-to-know-basis" and you can figure out when or whom to tell. You obviously have no need to tell that store clerk - but you might want to tell a new friend at some point.

But what about when you are NOT on hormones, and in order for anyone to see you as true you, you like MUST come out every time you meet somebody?

Sometimes I feel like I'd like to walk around with a plate stating "and I'm male, thanks for asking" and blurt that out to everyone I have to interact with and show my ID to - and yet I never say anything... Like I said, I don't see a point to bring this up with every stranger I interact with... And I still have female ID. But it still makes me feel shitty having to use that ID.

Man, this is a long rant... Hope you guys did get something about it :).

But I'd like to hear stories from everyone (men, women, non-binary etc.) on how you go about this? Do you state everywhere that you are transgender (if no one can see that)? Or will you just let it be and make people guess (like I'm doing)? And what about when you wanna make friends - it must be the first thing to get out, to even start on the right track, right?

I used to have it so much easier before when I could pass at least sometimes... So, if someone asked "are you a boy or a girl" I felt confident enough to say I'm a guy. But now it almost feels like a joke to say to someone that I'm a man - when in their eyes, I'm clearly not :/! And I doubt/fear people would be able to see me as a man anyway, when I look like this :/. And I can't really blame them! And I don't wanna meet new people if they can't see me as male, so...

What a dilemma! [Btw I'm planning on losing weight & getting a proper binder to pass again. But until... And even after that the same issue remains as long as I'm pre-hormones.]

Hopefully many people can have something to say! Would really appreciate it!

Do you really have to introduce yourself like this: "Hi, I'm [name]. And I'm transgender." to even be seen? [Btw, I don't even identify as "transgender" or "trans man", just a guy, so I don't know what to say! And stating I'm a man/guy sounds like a lie/joke... And then, many people are not even familiar with any of this... I wouldn't like to give a lecture each time I meet someone new!]

Please, guys, give me examples & stories how you do it/did it, :)! 
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Offline Toni

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Re: How to introduce yourself pre-hormones?
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2017, 09:24:01 am »
May not be the help you're looking for, as I never worried about it pre hormones, and being anatomically male at the time was perceived as such.  The issue came up for me after I had started hormones and had previously been slipping in non hormonal things like letting my hair grow, shaving facial hair, changing my body shape with diet/exercise.  People noticed but just thought I was doing different things and I didn't want to necessarily say "I'm a girl!" (sure do now) so I just let the male go on.  Everything changed when I got boobs though and they got to the point I couldn't hide so I had to explain to people I knew and never felt compelled to tell anyone else anything.  Now if I go out, I just let people think what they will, sometimes I will look more male because of what I'm doing and the associated way I dress, but I still have long hair, painted nails and hoops in my ears.  I can see their trying to figure this out, but it only shows for a second and we get on with business because I show absolutely no apprehension about it at all, it's really kind of fun  >:-).  Other times when I'm clearly very female, but my voice may make them wonder a bit I just show no fear and no one has had the guts to even question.
     It wasn't always like this.  It took awhile to get the self confidence and maybe even a bit arrogant so I'm just really OK with me  and think "deal with it" regarding other peoples perceptions.  I've found that people seem to reflect you.  If you're just being pleasant and are comfortable with whomever you are, they will be as well.  Toni

Offline Paul Muad-Dib

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Re: How to introduce yourself pre-hormones?
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2017, 09:44:50 am »
I do not volunteer information about my transgender status when out in public with strangers, for the most part. Just one of my own rules. I'm happier having control of this information to reveal when and where I want to, and not for it to be volunteered immediately and potentially abused by people I don't know.

So before hormones I introduced myself by my name and let the other party perceive whatever they wished. I have always figured that unless I was in some sort of queer-friendly situation, it was a waste of time worrying about how I was going to be perceived and demanding to be perceived a certain way by people I would likely never see again. It doesn't bother me all that much how people I don't know are going to see me for a few seconds in a day. The idea of giving them a lecture doesn't appeal either.

If it's a situation I'm going to have to return to, or someone I'm going to see again, I might be inclined to mention the status... if there's a reason to. That happens at the moment most of the time with medical professionals who thankfully tend to be professional about it. Usually it's them asking me how I'm comfortable being addressed which is new and something I'm having to adjust to. Or else they don't mention it at all and infer from my records and my name what's going on.

All my friends and acquaintances do know at this point, and it's surprisingly easy to disclose. Usually it doesn't come up much as a topic unless they want some sort of insight about trans issues in general. A name can have a lot of power that way, if you pick a masculine one and start using it, just how it kind of infers in conversation naturally the obvious pronouns to use, even when it comes to people who are forgetful. I do now have a particularly masculine name and it does tend to "do the job" on its own to an extent.

I wasn't very comfortable using a new name or volunteering anything until I was set on transition and had started it, though. I felt I had to have committed to expect others to also commit to referring to me in a new way. Just my own principles on the matter.

"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."

Offline Jailyn

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Re: How to introduce yourself pre-hormones?
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2017, 10:04:03 am »
I am in agreeance with the others. I don't just tell anyone I am transgender. Now my co-workers know only because I am transitioning in my job, so it was important for me to let them know so that things wouldn't get weird. If I am helping a customer or to another person, I don't tell them my history. Obviously medical professionals need to know and if I romantic with someone I will tell them when the time is right. Otherwise you shouldn't have the need to do so.

To touch another point you mentioned not feeling like you pass because of hormones. You can transition without hormones. Just start by looking like your desired gender and introduce yourself by the name you want to go by. There is nothing wrong with using an alias. I use my name right now even though it is not my legal name. As you stated passing is all about your confidence in yourself not so much how you look. For instance I am using the opposite bathroom and at first I would go in all timid and this outed me quickly and I got yelled at. Now I go in like there is no problem and with confidence.

As for your id you don't have to explain to that person that you are interacting with. They will make their own assumptions about it. I was told that my id was not mine and couldn't possibly be mine. This is when I had to explain it, other than that I don't offer people an explanation for my id. You shouldn't feel a need to out yourself.