Author Topic: I started finding little clues here and there but never crossed my mind....  (Read 883 times)

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Offline Mindfukd1

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    I've been in a relationship for over 3 years.  Even tho I'm older than my boyfriend, he was the one who open my eyes to a new world when it came to sex. I thought I was "porn star" until I met him lol. We are in a heterosexual relationship but since I like to spice things up I keep offering a 3some (another girl) and he keeps rejecting it lol. 
    A few months into the relationship, I started finding weird searches on his browser then found some text messages of him talking to another guy in a very sexual way.  I truly believe that if you love someone you accept the person just the way they are, if not why waste time? I'm not close minded, I know that when it comes to love there is no gender.  I talked to him and instead of going off and judging I suggested to go shopping for a new toy.  I thought everything was going to be better... I noticed his attitude changed and he started snapping at me for the smallest things, sometimes even for no reason.  My first thought was that he was probably cheating on me, tonight I started looking for answers but I found more than I ever bargain for.   I found many searches on youtube that included "SRS, Vee-String, Prothstetic vagina, Femskin, GinaClip"   I'm not going to lie, I had no clue what most of that was until I started watching the videos.   Pardon my french but I'm honestly <word deleted by moderator>, at first I felt very impressed (everything is so realistic), then i felt very confused and finally it hit me like a train!!!! . .. This is the browser history of the love of my life! I don't know what to do or how to even begin the conversation.   I want to be supportive but also I want to know where I fit in or if I will even have a place in his life.   I'm so lost and scared of the outcome.
 
Any advice will be truly appreciated.

Thanks in advanced.
« Last Edit: December 03, 2017, 10:47:05 am by Kendra »

Offline PurpleWolf

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Trying to help here!

Others might have better advice to give but I'll try.


I found more than I ever bargain for.   I found many searches on youtube that included "SRS, Vee-String, Prothstetic vagina, Femskin, GinaClip"


First - take a breather! Don't know the whole picture but just searching for something might NOT mean your bf is actually transgender. He could be. BUT I've been searching for VARIOUS subjects - anything that comes to my mind or something I come across somewhere... that I have absolutely nothing personally in common with.


then i felt very confused and finally it hit me like a train!!!! . .. This is the browser history of the love of my life! I don't know what to do or how to even begin the conversation.   I want to be supportive but also I want to know where I fit in or if I will even have a place in his life.   I'm so lost and scared of the outcome.


Take another breather!!! Don't jump into any conclusions just yet, before having talked to him. You are in a panic mode if you are thinking things such as 'if I have a place in his life anymore'. Don't jump into the future what ifs just yet. Concentrate on the present moment and what you know:
That you noticed some weird internet searches by him. That's all. That might mean absolutely nothing. Or it could mean something.

As for talking to him: At first wait until you are in a more calmer state of mind. Find a relaxing time & place for this conversation. Don't make it an interrogation. Try to keep calm. If there's something behind all that he's not gonna tell you anything if you lose your temper, blame him, freak out, scream etc.

Just calmly casually bring up that you noticed some interesting internet searches the other day. You can mention you noticed he's been searching about SRS. In a calm everyday voice bring that up and ask 'I wonder about what made you interested in that' or something like that. You can state things like 'you can tell me anything' but don't come into conclusions about his sexual orientation/gender identity.

If you expect him cheating or being sexual with another person, that's a different story. Use 'I statements' and tell what YOU have been feeling: "I feel uncomfortable when I saw those texts. Who is this person? I wish you respect me enough to not have sexual conversations with other people. I don't feel comfortable with this." etc. You can calmly discuss about bounderies. State to him what you are okay and not okay with when it comes to your relationship.

Again as for his gender identity:
You can ask direct open questions, such as:
Have you felt confused about your gender lately?
Is there something you'd like me to know about?
Would you like to tell me what's been going through your mind?
I'm only bringing this up because I was very surprised to find what you've been searching for.

And you can state how YOU feel about everything (very powerful!):
I feel confused. I was scared when I came across those. I'm afraid you might not want to be with me anymore. I'd like to support you with this so I'd like you to open up to me a bit about this. Maybe we could search things together?

You already put it well in this forum:

 I want to be supportive but also I want to know where I fit in or if I will even have a place in his life.   I'm so lost and scared of the outcome.

That's exactly how you should state these things to your SO!

The more you use 'I statements' the less the conversation will escalate into an argument.
If that happens, though, just go to another room or outside. And bring this up again at a different point.
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Offline Kendra

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Hello, welcome to Susan’s.

I am MtF and I can see how you would find that very unsettling... discovering basic desires and details in a long term relationship that were previously unknown to you.  I don’t understand all the nuances of their reaction you are describing - others here will probably have more advice and experience than I do with this particular scenario.  I think your initial response helped keep important doors open.

I believe in some cases an individual who hasn’t had the time or access to resources to internally process their own information might hide an important part of themselves - and that is different than someone simply being dishonest.  Self-denial can cause an additional impediment to sharing important information with a partner.

Susan’s Place is unique.  To help with initial navigation and to save you time, I’ll add information which contains guidelines and pointers.

Things that you should read


I am glad you joined, and wish you the best!

Kendra
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, GCS-2 & BA 7/2018. 

Offline HappyMoni

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Wow, I can imagine this is blowing your mind.  If your partner is typical, he is terrified of telling you for fear he will be rejected. It is a horrible secret to keep. People many times fool themselves into thinking it will go away. This might be the case. If he is trans, the feelings don't magically disappear. The thing is you deserve honesty and respect. It sounds like this has to be talked out maybe with the help of a therapist. You will have to have a conversation to see if you are indeed right for each other. Being trans does not necessarily mean anything about a person's sexual orientation. If you are having thoughts of being supportive that is great but you need support, honesty and respect as well.
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Offline Saha

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I would like to reinforce 3 things, first, Breath!  2nd, an LGBTQ friendly therapist is invaluable.  3rd, communicate!  With  everyone, but especially your partner.  Say the things that scare you, it's worth it.

Offline gallinarosa

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The suggestions so far have been completely on point.

When you bring it up, be prepared for him to react in a myriad of ways:

1. Be completely relieved that it is finally out in the open and for him to pour out a lot with little prompting from you.

2. For him to not lie, but maybe be evasive because he wants to share with you but is not quite prepared to yet.

3. For him to outright lie because he is suppressing it and denying it to the whole world right now, maybe even himself (look up internalized transphobia).

I have experienced all of these at different times with my spouse and thanks to patience, open communication, and a good therapist, we have been working through them every time. I found out in a similar way and had to confront my spouse and I am grateful he did not lie or try to deny anything. I am also grateful that he was careful to parse out the info over the following weeks at a pace that worked for both of us so we didn't get too overwhelmed. (All things considered, lol!)

If he doesn't lie, I would try, for the first go at it, to just let him do most of the talking and tell you what he is comfortable telling you. Make sure you plan to talk again. Pacing is important for both sides. Don't ask all your questions at once. This will be hard enough to process.

Suggest as soon as possible to find a therapist to attend together who is experienced with gender dysphoria. As the dust settles, find yourself whatever support systems YOU need.

Good luck. Don't jump ahead before the time is right. Take it slow. Be nice to each other. Take care of yourself.

<3

Offline Daisy Jane

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I would like to add that he may not even be sure how he feels about transitioning yet. I questioned myself for several years, flirting with the idea, then shutting down and going back into denial. It's scary and mentally exhausting because it feels like no one will understand.

Offline Jenntrans

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    I've been in a relationship for over 3 years.  Even tho I'm older than my boyfriend, he was the one who open my eyes to a new world when it came to sex. I thought I was "porn star" until I met him lol. We are in a heterosexual relationship but since I like to spice things up I keep offering a 3some (another girl) and he keeps rejecting it lol. 
    A few months into the relationship, I started finding weird searches on his browser then found some text messages of him talking to another guy in a very sexual way.  I truly believe that if you love someone you accept the person just the way they are, if not why waste time? I'm not close minded, I know that when it comes to love there is no gender.  I talked to him and instead of going off and judging I suggested to go shopping for a new toy.  I thought everything was going to be better... I noticed his attitude changed and he started snapping at me for the smallest things, sometimes even for no reason.  My first thought was that he was probably cheating on me, tonight I started looking for answers but I found more than I ever bargain for.   I found many searches on youtube that included "SRS, Vee-String, Prothstetic vagina, Femskin, GinaClip"   I'm not going to lie, I had no clue what most of that was until I started watching the videos.   Pardon my french but I'm honestly <word deleted by moderator>, at first I felt very impressed (everything is so realistic), then i felt very confused and finally it hit me like a train!!!! . .. This is the browser history of the love of my life! I don't know what to do or how to even begin the conversation.   I want to be supportive but also I want to know where I fit in or if I will even have a place in his life.   I'm so lost and scared of the outcome.
 
Any advice will be truly appreciated.

Thanks in advanced.

It may not be you. Actually you sound cool and down for anything do I seriously doubt it is you. It is him.

For him it is probably so freakin' scary to come out. Maybe instead of toys get a lot of wine, light candles, have a nice dinner even if it is Hamburger helper and then after enough wine hit him with it but before insure him that you will still love him or her no matter what. It is still the same person and probably more open and true the better your relationship would be. I have had girlfriends in the past and one we could actually share the same clothes and shoes and she loved taking bathes together. She loved it when we took care of each other hygiene too. That includes shaving legs, fixing one another's hair, deciding what hairstyle we liked on one another and going to the salon together and shaping our nether regions or totally ridding our selves. :embarrassed: he was pretty open about it so the more she was open the more I was comfortable enough to be open.

I mean you mentioned you are older and back then the girl I dated was too and she helped me Even to the point when we broke up I went for a guy that I worked for that was gay??? but was more interested in trans girls. I will always be grateful for her though because it was toys and a bad ass '78 Camaro that I got to drive around in short shorts and she showed me off as her lesbian girlfriend around town. the only two people in the town and not een her twon but 20 miles away that knew was her closest friends and they did not complain and never even judged me.

Wow. You know even thinking about it now. She had two brothers and one was gay but both were extremely small and extremely skinny. I am thinking Chrystal Meth. But she and I wore the same sizes and the same shoe size. Hmm????I just really don't know and could care less. It was nice when it was. Get a load of this. Of all places this was Northern Arkansas. ::)

So if you can handle it and it all depends on you, let him know after a couple of drinks that you are OK with it if you are. If you are not then he probably still is and you may as well leave. But you sound like you are.

Simple things hon. Ask to paint his nails and gauge his reaction. If he don't want then tell him it would look so sexy on him and you would love it. Then you can blame it all on the hair metal of the eighties and how good the guys in Motley Crue, and Poison looked and how they may have turned you on in the past. I really don't know how old you are but... This may give him a buffer to dress up but still feel male. then take it from there.

If you think he is trans then eventually tell him he would have made a really pretty girl. But ease it in. To me it sounds like maybe and you are willing to still love him and compensate. So god bless you girl with all due respect.

maybe he is getting so defensive because he suspects that you are looking thought his browsing history so you need to initiate it with no clue to him that you looked though his browsing history because that is kind of like an invasion of privacy. So give your own little clues that you are OK with it and maybe even accepting or even turned on by it.

Men are so predictable. That is one good thing that we have going for us as women even you as cis and me as trans. If you love him then reassure him. We can manipulate so tell him you should love for him to shave his legs, chest and underarms because he sheds and it gets on the sheets. If asking fails then beg because you have to wash them so often. That may work and if he is trans then he will probably do it for you if you ask pretty please and I\then it may spark him.

 Then paint you nails and ask if you can pain his because it would turn you on. But a little at a time. It sounds like you care for him/her and way open minded so a little at a time.

BTW I wish my ex wife was like you. :-* You will have a place. But when you do have the alk eventually a little at a time and show him then buy a strap on so both of you can be pleased. but with a trans woman you are going to have some ups and downs with them because it hurts sometimes being trans and all we want ois to be held so we can cry. But it really sounds like you care so just go with it. Have patience and then it may not last forever but then again it may. BTW the woman I mentioned broke up with me and then I went for a guy to be a woman so...

But whatever happens I hope this helps.

Online Sno

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*sigh*

Hi sweetie, welcome to Susan’s :) the committee have already sent links and other such useful things, but a warm welcome nonetheless.

It’s obvious that you love your partner, and from your ‘investigation’ you’ve uncovered signs that your partner doesn’t love herself. This is a process that can’t be hurried, and needs a safe space for them to grow, accept and explore their identity -it can’t be hurried, there is a whole heap of denial and self loathing that needs to be worked through personally, and until that is underway, you will receive snapping, and argumentative responses because it will feel like an invasion of privacy.

That will mean a heap of work on your side to make her feel safe and secure to communicate with you, as well as the Internet. This process can only go as fast as she feels able to cope with - rushing will only close communication down, and could result in unwarranted rejection and an increase in denial.

Yes, it’s exciting to be a part of someone’s life journey but it’s their journey.

We are here to help as much as we can,

(Hugs)

Rowan

Ps. I’ve used the pronoun ‘her’ to be consistent as her identity isn’t defined yet, and that feels more congruous with the objects that have been searched for...


Offline DawnOday

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Instead of trying "toys" for sexual fulfillment how about opting for just intimacy. Conversing,, touching That may put him at ease and draw him out. Revealing secrets is a very scary proposition. For some it takes most of their long lives to come to the realization. Be willing to attend support meetings and doctors visits to discuss and educate. There are many resources available on this website to discover. Most relationships end due to ignorance, not stupidity. Most of that ignorance is due to not discussing what bothers you. Myself I accommodated sex with my wife because I had male parts. But I did not have the male libido. So we used alternatives like Tantra to experience intimacy. Not the positions but the act of touching, pleasuring, slow hands.
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