Author Topic: Hello I"m Aurora  (Read 6486 times)

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Hello I"m Aurora
« on: June 05, 2005, 02:40:34 am »
Short version:

I'm 28 years old and I'm the road to be female.  I'm engaged to a wonderful women who I plan on speding the rest of my life with.  I have discoverd stuff that I once liked,  I never really liked. 

Now for the long drawn out version:.......

It’s a boy...after this was said my life for 28 years has been a lie…

My childhood
      A few years after I came into this world, I began wearing my sister’s clothing.  I have no idea how, or why this behaviour started.  I can recall one occasion where I came out wearing a dress when my parents had company.  Everyone thought it was cute.  I don’t remember happened after that, but I must’ve been in trouble.  I remember also, pulling my underwear up over my head and using it as a bra.  I would stuff it with socks and pretend I was a girl like my sister.  I would do this all in the privacy of my room, so I must’ve been taught that this behaviour was unacceptable.
Throughout my childhood, I had many conflicts with other boys.  I always felt more comfortable playing with girls.  I did hang around some boys, but we would always get into fights.  I played with my sister’s toys a lot and would always want toys meant for girls at Christmas.  Eventually, my parents did buy me some due to my repeated begging.  My mom even bought me a Barbie once. I can still remember how much I liked to play with it.
      As I grew older and interacted with more boys, I learned to like the same things they did. I was left with little choice; after all I was physically a boy.  Lost and confused, I started to lash out, and became uncontrollable.  I didn't want to be a boy but everyone told me that I was.  When I was around other boys I would act mean and tough, whereas around girls, I would act sweet and sensitive and feel more like myself.  This double personality is still with me today.  I'm still working on breaking it down.

      I did poorly in school, and I would act crazy just to get people's attention. When I did do well in school it was always because I had an attractive female teacher.  I remember thinking that I should be a good boy so she would like me, and I was.  I never got along with my male teachers.  My grade 5 teacher swore I had A.D.D.  Personally, I would have thought the same thing.  Eventually, my parents made me see a specialist, where I underwent a series of tests.  No one bothered to compare my behaviour with female teachers, to that of with male teachers.  The specialist wasn’t able to find and signs of A.D.D., however, based on the information he received from everyone, I was diagnosed with A.D.D.  No one really understood how I was feeling inside.

      To make matters worse, and even more confusing, I was sleeping with boys as well.  I don't remember how this happened or who instigated it.  All I remember is that it made me feel like a girl.  We kept everything in secret.  I would follow them around and I would do what they did and learned how to be macho.  Other than these few boys, the rest of my friends were girls.  I found that I could relate to my female friends much more easily.  Many of my sisters’ friends were also my friends.  My happiest childhood memories consist of the good times I had with my female friends.  With them, I did not have to act aggressive or macho, I could just be myself. 

My father

My father always wanted a boy.  He spent a great deal of time with me.  I was always proud of him.  I wanted to be just like him.  He would take me fishing all the time and I learned to love it, as he did.  He’d buy me all sorts of boy toys.  I’d only play with them because he bought them for me.  One of my all time favourites was Lego.  I would make my own little world with them.  I used my Lego world as an escape from reality.  Although my sister did not like Lego, I would force her to play with me.

      My father always tried to teach me how to be a good man.  He would take me hunting with him often.  I never really enjoyed killing a living animal, but I loved the time that we spent together.  I wanted to make him proud of me, so I would do anything to make him happy.  No matter what becomes of me, I will always have some of his personality in me.

My Step Mother

      My parents were divorced when I was quite young.  I must’ve been 5 or so.  I was first sent to live with my mother; however, she could not handle me.  She caught me wearing her clothing one time, and it was at that point that she decided that she could not handle me any longer.  I was then sent to live with my father and step-mother.
      I really liked my step-mother.  She was so kind, and so nice.  I was good for her for the first while.  One night I was dressing up in her clothes.  This is where I really learned the consequences of my actions.  She caught me, and started yelling at me in Dutch.  I got one heck of a good spank.  After this, I remember how much I hated her.

      As time went on, she began to treat me more like she treated my sister.  She let me in on crafts that were meant for women.  I remember how much fun I used to have with her.  We would sit and watch the soaps. She would teach me how to knit, sew and needle point...  I would make such beautiful things.  My father always made fun of me but I didn't care.  For me it was a wonderful time.  When I got into junior high she would always defend me for wanting to take home economics class. We lived in a small town so it was really taboo for a guy to join this class. All through high school this was my favourite class.  The girls treated me as one of the girls. 

My addiction

      After growing out of the Lego era, I found the world of video games and computers.  This is a place where I’d spend a number of years.  I dropped out of my first year of college as result of this addiction.  It let me escape my reality and live in a new virtual one.  Oftentimes, I wouldn’t talk to my friends for days, and even weeks.  This resulted in the loss of many friends.  I used the online gaming world to fill the void in my life.  I could shut the whole world off as soon as I picked up the controller.

      I continued with this addiction until the age of 27.  One day, when I was controlling a female character in an online interactive world, I realized how giddy it made me feel when someone thought I was actually female.  In the real world, I really felt I was.  I got into computers because of video games.  I learned all I could about them.  Later I went to college and obtained certification that would allow me to pursue a career in the IT industry.  Now I feel that I may not be happy with such a career.

My Sexuality

      As I said before, I have slept with other males.  It never felt like it was “gay” to me.  On top of that, I am not attracted to male on male porn.  I don’t think it’s gross, it just doesn’t interest me.  I’d often fantasize about how wonderful it would be to be a woman, and have sexual relations with men.  Deep within, I knew who I really wanted to be. 

      Another point, whenever I’d see a show where two women would fall in love, I’d start to cry.  It was like beauty, sexuality, love, happiness and lust all rolled into one.  It would touch me deeply inside.  It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever had the pleasure to see.  Afterwards, I’d think of how great it would be if I was the other woman.  I would be sad and depressed as I was a man, and would never be able to experience that kind of love, or my true sexuality.
      I never thought it was possible for a woman to be trapped inside of a male body, or for a male to physically become a female.  This led me to believe that I would never have the opportunity to have the kind of relationship that I longed for.  This would haunt me for many years.  I’d often wake up from a dream and cry because I’d wake up as a man.

 My wife

In my early 20’s, I thought it was time to get my life together.  I told myself all I need to do is get a girlfriend and this obsession will come to an end.  I started dating, and eventually met this very young and shy girl.  We became fast friends and quickly fell deeply in love with one another.  We dated for several months before moving in together.  As a result of problems she was experiencing with her parents, we decided to get our own place.

      Shortly after moving in with my girlfriend, I bought my first computer.  For the next 5 years I never once thought about dressing up.  I thought that my fetish was finally put to rest.  At the same time I was throwing myself into the computer world.  I was acting out fantasies in chat rooms, and getting deep into online role playing games.  I would make a female character and act like I was a girl.  It just seemed so natural.  This made me so happy.  But at the same time I would spend less and less time with the real world and again pushed all my friends away.  I would still do special things for my girlfriend and tell her I loved her everyday. So it was the only relation ship I was able to keep.  She didn't like me being on the computer all the time but I made sure to set time aside and be with her. 

      One day she brought home this beautiful little black skirt.  Every time I walked by it I thought about wearing it.  I would tell myself HELL NO.  I just couldn't keep it out of my mind.  I even started to dream about wearing it.  One day I finally gave in and put it on.  I couldn't stop there, I quickly trying on all of her clothes.  I tried as hard as I could to make myself look more like a woman. 

      As the years past I started to bye wigs, jewelry, and makeup.  I would dress myself up whenever she was gone.  I soon came to realize that this is who I really am, and was not ever going to change.  I started to accept myself and didn't feel so bad.  I felt awful knowing that I was hiding this from her, and I tried to tell her many, many times.
One day I thought I would learn how to apply make up better.   I did an online search on the topic, and this is the day that I was re-born.  My search led me websites about cross-dressing.  I was able to learn that cross-dressing was normal and healthy for some people, unlike what I’d been bought up to believe.  I spent days and days reading about <not allowed> people.  I had no idea they even existed.  The more I read the more courage I got to come out to my now fiancée.
      When I finally told her, she was devastated.  She cried, and would not talk to me all day or all night.  I was so depressed that I just wanted to end my life.  I sat in our basement wondering how I should go about ending it.  Then the only real friend I've ever had came online.  I had pushed him away years before but we would still chat once a year.  I told him everything.  He was shocked at first.  But he was very supportive.  He told me I should move to a bigger city.  He said it just wasn't safe where I was.  I felt so happy to have someone that accepted me.  We talked all night.

      Before telling my girlfriend, I had printed off tons and tons of information about <not allowed> folks.  Later the next day she began to read them.  As she began to understand, we slowly started talking again.  I was so happy she did not leave me.  After a while passed we began to go shopping.  I had so much fun buying her clothes. Before, I didn't really want to look. It would make feel ashamed at how drawn to them I was.  Now everything was different.  We had so much fun shopping.  I stopped my obsession with video games.  I spend most of my time with her.  We would do little girly things together such as waxing, pedicures, and facials.
      I had told myself that I was just a cross-dresser, and that I didn’t want to be an actual woman.  I believed that I enjoyed being a man, and I told my lover that I would always be a man.  As time went one, and as I began to understand my feelings inside, I found that I acted more and more like a women.  I began to have more and more dreams of myself as a woman.  I soon began to question myself on what I wanted to be in this life.  Was I really just a cross-dresser? 

      As time went on my mind began to click more and more.  I started to think about how I've led my life.  I started to understand how I've been feeling all my life; how I could never fit in or how I could never keep any friends.  I started to break down my male personality.  I thought of how I would feel if I were to live my life as a woman.  I found so much comfort just in the idea.  Even now I cry inside just thinking that someday I will be female.

      After we moved to a new city I started to really accept the fact that I will be a woman.  One night I told my fiancée this and she broke down.  She knew she was losing her man, as I had changed a lot over the last few months.  She claimed that she actually like the change at one point. I told her she could leave me if she wanted.  I told her I would want to always be in her life even if we were just friends. I said I would always take care of her even if she was with someone else, and that I could never love anyone like I loved her.  I said she should have the life she wants with a man.  In this moment she realized how much she loved me, and that she could never love anyone like she loved me.  We decided to start an alternative lifestyle.  I would wait until we had one child before I was to take Hormones.  I would get castrated instead of full SRS.  We would both make huge sacrifices to meet each others needs.  With tears I write how lucky I am to have a relationship so deep.  As we grow we will only fall deeper and deeper in love with each other and the family we are starting.



Re: Hello I"m Aurora
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2005, 04:10:20 am »
Hello Aurora, Welcome to Susan’s most wonderful place (=

I hope life both treats you well and goes as you plan.

Feel free to join in on the conversations, you are most welcome here.


Re: Hello I"m Aurora
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2005, 04:14:30 am »
Hello Aurora,

I am so very happy that you have the love and support of your fiancee. Some of the elements of your story are very familiar as i have had similar experiences and feelings. I know it is a great relief to you to finally be on your way to resolving your gender identity. I believe everyone has their own path and we should follow it for ourselves. You are making choices that are somewhat different than many have chosen. Follow your heart and be yourself without letting others influence your choices because they have chosen a more common path. Considering the advice and experiences of others is very helpful but be true to yourself most of all.

I wish you much love and happiness


Offline Dennis

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Re: Hello I"m Aurora
« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2005, 12:17:07 pm »
HI Aurora,

It was online gaming as a male that helped me to realize who I really was too. Started with MUDs, then Dark Age of Camelot. Now I game much less, just a couple of days a week, but I still love it.

Which ones did you play?



Re: Hello I"m Aurora
« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2005, 04:46:53 pm »
you have a pretty name :)

i'm so jealous of your achiements :-\


Re: Hello I"m Aurora
« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2005, 09:22:52 pm »
Thank so much for all your wonderful comments.

Dennis, Games I played were: The whole Final fantasy series, Asherson's Call, Ever quest, Never winter nights, Lineage II, Word of warcraft, and the Sims 2.

I really enjoyed experiencing my little lesbian family I had made in the Sims2.  I remember one day while I was sending my female sim to work, I thought to myself If only I could goto work as a women.

you have a pretty name :)

My name is something I came up with years ago.  It has a very special meaning for me.  One of the most beautiful sights I have witnessed is the auroraborialis way up north. Aka: The northern lights.  So I came up with Aurora night.  Night will be my new last name. I really can't wait until the day I will get to change my legal name to something that will reflect me. 



Re: Hello I"m Aurora
« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2005, 11:58:06 pm »
After seeing your post, I could say some of those things seems rather familiar.

But the thing I want to talk is about the videogames, to me the final piece to coming out of denial... was that I was using a female account on the online game Ragnarok Online.

While I was in that account, my feelings and actions were so girly and natural. I always wanted to be a girl, but denial is a sad and hard thing. And in that game I meet a cute guy, and somehow we fell in love.

I was having a bad time during those moments, cuz I used to have a real girlfriend at that time, but I wanted to keep the onlline relationship with this guy too (he amde me feel things I never have feel before) and then I started to search for how to crossdress in the game, I was looking for a way to modify my voice.

And, even I already knew some ppl have changed sex before, I didnt have any real info on that subject...

After founding some info, and reading the histories. My male mask came out and I was in denial no more. I accepted my fate and that is im a girl since I remember.

After that hard time, in which I was really depressed and in the brink of suicide. Well self-acceptance and self-knowledge is really good.

For the first time in my whole life, I feel like myself and someday not so far away, I will have the rigth body to match my gender ^^

Maybe someday we can talk more, all the support I can give you is to share what I have been suffering. And to let you know, you arent alone.


Re: Hello I"m Aurora
« Reply #7 on: June 06, 2005, 04:54:53 am »
Aurora Night is a very beautiful name!



Re: Hello I"m Aurora
« Reply #8 on: June 06, 2005, 06:21:35 am »
im even m0re jealous now i have seen aurora australis let alone boralis