Author Topic: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF  (Read 997 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Twoman44

  • Newbie
  • **
  • *
  • Posts: 41
  • Reputation: +1/-0
Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« on: December 22, 2017, 03:55:05 pm »
My husband (mtf and still uses male pronouns and present as male) came out to me in January. It’s been a roller coaster to say the least.... I’m accepting and supportive but the constant ups and downs really give me a lot of depression and anxiety. I don’t really have too much of an issue with him being Trans and taking HRT but it’s the sexual nature that their male sides have (most grew up male with lots of Testosterone). I have read about how they will fantasize about being a woman with a man...(can’t handle that)...along with forced feminization, BDSM... you know what I mean... sexual fantasies while masrurbating (which I find terribly disgusting by the way). When I see posts like “Did your sexual orientation change once on HRT?” Or “Secret fantasies”.... and the comments!!! This is where I start feeling great anxiety and feel I can’t do this! When I think this is what MY husband might be doing or thinking, I get very depressed and I freak out. I have trouble leaving him alone at home in fear of this happening in my own home and behind my back. If this was going on in my relationship and I found out, I would walk right out the door because I know I couldn’t deal with it. Like I said, if my husband wants to be more of a woman, I’m fine with that. Yes it’s a huge loss for me and it has changed the life I wanted but I love my husband. But I’m NOT dealing with THAT! He can be a woman in the bedroom with me all he wants...but I’m not dealing with sick fantasies coming into our sex life. I believe sex should be between just us, not fantasizing about somebody else. Freaks me out to the point of feeling crazy!
Does anyone else feel anxiety when it comes to the sexual nature that comes with men who are transitioning?

Offline Dena

  • (S) Global Moderator
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 15,041
  • Reputation: +112/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2017, 05:49:05 pm »
I can't provide the answer you are looking for but I can give you some data points. One this that Testosterone really plays with our heads and somewhat with our fantasy life. As HRT was started in august, the blockers may not be sufficiently high to block the testosterone so the thoughts that have been there in the past may still be active. One the T levels reach feminine levels, it's likely some of these thoughts may fade. Also if your husband isn't seeing a gender therapist regularly at this stage, I would advise it. One shouldn't undertake a transition without fully understanding ones self. Issues like gender fluid or other non binary identification could result in an improper self diagnosis and a therapist could help sort this out.

I agree that you shouldn't have to deal with anything you are uncomfortable with. The transition is putting enough pressure on you and the transition should help stabilize your relationship instead of complicate it.
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use dena@susans.org only if you are unable to PM - My Transition
If you are helped by this site, consider leaving a tip in the jar at the bottom of the page or become a subscriber

Offline Gertrude

  • Trudie
  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,500
  • Reputation: +6/-1
  • Gender: Female
Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2017, 06:39:29 pm »
Ask your spouse


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

Online Faith

  • *
  • Posts: 998
  • Reputation: +6/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2017, 07:33:08 pm »
Try not to let it get to you. I thought I had some odd 'I want to be female' fantasies. They are nothing compared to some I've read here  :o If it was currently in my nature to blush, I would have stayed beet red through some of these topics. There is a very good chance the he doesn't either. The only way to know is to get an honest answer from him.

My husband (mtf and still uses male pronouns and present as male) came out to me in January. It’s been a roller coaster to say the least.... I’m accepting and supportive but the constant ups and downs really give me a lot of depression and anxiety. I don’t really have too much of an issue with him being Trans and taking HRT but it’s the sexual nature that their male sides have (most grew up male with lots of Testosterone). I have read about how they will fantasize about being a woman with a man...(can’t handle that)...along with forced feminization, BDSM... you know what I mean... sexual fantasies while masrurbating (which I find terribly disgusting by the way). When I see posts like “Did your sexual orientation change once on HRT?” Or “Secret fantasies”.... and the comments!!! This is where I start feeling great anxiety and feel I can’t do this! When I think this is what MY husband might be doing or thinking, I get very depressed and I freak out. I have trouble leaving him alone at home in fear of this happening in my own home and behind my back. If this was going on in my relationship and I found out, I would walk right out the door because I know I couldn’t deal with it. Like I said, if my husband wants to be more of a woman, I’m fine with that. Yes it’s a huge loss for me and it has changed the life I wanted but I love my husband. But I’m NOT dealing with THAT! He can be a woman in the bedroom with me all he wants...but I’m not dealing with sick fantasies coming into our sex life. I believe sex should be between just us, not fantasizing about somebody else. Freaks me out to the point of feeling crazy!
Does anyone else feel anxiety when it comes to the sexual nature that comes with men who are transitioning?



I am who I am

Offline Jailyn

  • *
  • Posts: 407
  • Reputation: +3/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2017, 07:36:06 pm »
I agree with the other 2. Ask your spouse and really you can't be sure of what he is feeling or dreaming. I think it would also help your relationship, if you 2 saw a family therapist because unfortunately hormones do play with your brain chemistry and changes some of the things you were talking about. This is not true for everyone by no means. I have heard many on here of getting couples counseling. It certainly can't hurt and you can work through your  feelings otherwise they just remain cooped up in your head. Which I can tell you from experience this is very not healthy emotionally. I was miserable holding in all my feelings and anxiety. So talk with your spouse and seek help as well.

Offline Devlyn

  • Retired Links Admin
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 26,552
  • Reputation: +205/-1
  • Gender: Female
  • Veteran, US Army
Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #5 on: December 22, 2017, 07:48:58 pm »
We also see plenty of topics about people who lose their sex drive, illustrating how we're all so very unique. The road to your answer is open and honest communication between you two. So says the lifelong single person!  ;D

Hugs, Devlyn

Offline Saha

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 65
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Male
Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2017, 07:52:44 am »
As someone who has spent some time in couples therapy, and individual therapy, it is so helpful.  For Trans folk, I would think it even more important, given dysphoria.

Online Jessica

  • "If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 2,763
  • Reputation: +21/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2017, 08:43:57 am »
Hi Twoman 44,  try not to believe that your spouse has all these traits you abhor.  Have you asked?  Susan’s is a place where you find answers that bring up other questions sometimes.  Not all topics apply to all.  Consider therapy together to sort out these fears that may have no basis at all.  It can be enlightening. Fear is the mind killer.

Jessica
« Last Edit: December 24, 2017, 09:56:47 am by Jessica »

... it's like running a car on ethanol when it's supposed to take gasoline... it'll work, but it's eventually gonna break down until you put it on the proper fuel.

Offline Mariah

  • (S) Global Moderator & Chat ircOP plus intersex and Post-OP
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 11,797
  • Reputation: +157/-0
  • Gender: Intersex
Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2017, 12:54:01 pm »
Therapy for yourself along with couples therapy will be very helpful for you. I can totally relate to how your being affected by your spouses anxiety and depression. My spouse's depression and anxiety literally drain me to a point where I have to get some rest and space. Which gets me to another thought, you need to make sure you give yourself some time for yourself where your not being affected by the depression an anxiety your spouse is having. Every time my spouse mentions something that clearly shows their is some kind of interest in men and turning them on it just curdles my stomach while at the same time worries me that they will stray away from loving and being interested in me. It's why I try not to think about what they are thinking because it leads to all sorts of painful thoughts that I really don't want to think about. I'm not sure I would call it anxiety that I have in regards to it, but the thought of it definitely makes me feel uneasy at this point in regards to sex in the bedroom. I suppose when I think about it yeah there are aspects that make me anxious about it.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
mariah2014@susans.org
I am also spouse of genderfluid person.

Offline BrianaJ

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 79
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2017, 08:52:23 am »
What others said - ask.  Talk about it openly.  Be very direct and don't be shy.  And consider that counseling.  Regardless of our gender or sexual orientation, we ALL have desires and fantasies that range from "OMG" to very tame.  Spend that energy you are using on stressing and use it for conversation with your spouse.  :-) 
~~Be kind~~

Offline Roll

  • Perpetually Innocent Nerd Girl
  • *
  • Posts: 2,615
  • Reputation: +19/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • QUICK ALL, TO THE ROCKET GAZEBO! MAKE HASTE!
Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #10 on: December 26, 2017, 09:25:54 am »
Also, it is important to remember that most of the fetishes you mention were not something developed post starting transition, they were sublimation or attempts to find an answer to one's problems during decades of repression of the issue. Essentially, in most likely the majority of instances, transitioning is the "cure" (not the right word, but just as a turn of phrase) not the cause. If your spouse has not shown any inclination towards those sorts of things in the past, I would wager it is unlikely they will suddenly take them up now. (Well, at least because of transitioning. Of course sometimes people figure out fetishes later in life, but that is independent of the trans issue and can happen to anyone.)

On the orientation change issue, while there is debate in the role of hormones causing physiological shift, anecdotally if it does happen it is exceedingly rare. What is common however is that people have repressed their attractions as part of their overall repression. But again, this isn't caused by transitioning, it is a preexisting condition that was simply unacknowledged. That is definitely something to talk to your spouse about, but keep in mind that even then it is nowhere near a sure thing this is the case. It's hard to offer anything but anecdotes, but by and large the trans women on this site who were married to women before transitioning are exclusively attracted to women. (Or at the most, lightly curious but without any desire to actually go through with sleeping with a guy, at least as long as in a relationship.)
~ Ellie
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■
I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!


rmaddy

Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2017, 10:50:52 am »
Most people have sexual fantasies.  If a woman fantasizes about being with a dominant partner, I think this is usually taken to be fairly normal.  If a transwoman has the same fantasy, it's considered fetishistic or perverse.  I'm not suggesting that all fantasization is healthy, but trans people are often judged harshly for harboring the thoughts not atypical for their target gender.

Tags: