Author Topic: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF  (Read 1583 times)

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Offline Twoman44

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Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« on: December 22, 2017, 03:55:05 pm »
My husband (mtf and still uses male pronouns and present as male) came out to me in January. It’s been a roller coaster to say the least.... I’m accepting and supportive but the constant ups and downs really give me a lot of depression and anxiety. I don’t really have too much of an issue with him being Trans and taking HRT but it’s the sexual nature that their male sides have (most grew up male with lots of Testosterone). I have read about how they will fantasize about being a woman with a man...(can’t handle that)...along with forced feminization, BDSM... you know what I mean... sexual fantasies while masrurbating (which I find terribly disgusting by the way). When I see posts like “Did your sexual orientation change once on HRT?” Or “Secret fantasies”.... and the comments!!! This is where I start feeling great anxiety and feel I can’t do this! When I think this is what MY husband might be doing or thinking, I get very depressed and I freak out. I have trouble leaving him alone at home in fear of this happening in my own home and behind my back. If this was going on in my relationship and I found out, I would walk right out the door because I know I couldn’t deal with it. Like I said, if my husband wants to be more of a woman, I’m fine with that. Yes it’s a huge loss for me and it has changed the life I wanted but I love my husband. But I’m NOT dealing with THAT! He can be a woman in the bedroom with me all he wants...but I’m not dealing with sick fantasies coming into our sex life. I believe sex should be between just us, not fantasizing about somebody else. Freaks me out to the point of feeling crazy!
Does anyone else feel anxiety when it comes to the sexual nature that comes with men who are transitioning?

Offline Dena

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2017, 05:49:05 pm »
I can't provide the answer you are looking for but I can give you some data points. One this that Testosterone really plays with our heads and somewhat with our fantasy life. As HRT was started in august, the blockers may not be sufficiently high to block the testosterone so the thoughts that have been there in the past may still be active. One the T levels reach feminine levels, it's likely some of these thoughts may fade. Also if your husband isn't seeing a gender therapist regularly at this stage, I would advise it. One shouldn't undertake a transition without fully understanding ones self. Issues like gender fluid or other non binary identification could result in an improper self diagnosis and a therapist could help sort this out.

I agree that you shouldn't have to deal with anything you are uncomfortable with. The transition is putting enough pressure on you and the transition should help stabilize your relationship instead of complicate it.
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Offline Gertrude

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2017, 06:39:29 pm »
Ask your spouse


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Offline Faith

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2017, 07:33:08 pm »
Try not to let it get to you. I thought I had some odd 'I want to be female' fantasies. They are nothing compared to some I've read here  :o If it was currently in my nature to blush, I would have stayed beet red through some of these topics. There is a very good chance the he doesn't either. The only way to know is to get an honest answer from him.

My husband (mtf and still uses male pronouns and present as male) came out to me in January. It’s been a roller coaster to say the least.... I’m accepting and supportive but the constant ups and downs really give me a lot of depression and anxiety. I don’t really have too much of an issue with him being Trans and taking HRT but it’s the sexual nature that their male sides have (most grew up male with lots of Testosterone). I have read about how they will fantasize about being a woman with a man...(can’t handle that)...along with forced feminization, BDSM... you know what I mean... sexual fantasies while masrurbating (which I find terribly disgusting by the way). When I see posts like “Did your sexual orientation change once on HRT?” Or “Secret fantasies”.... and the comments!!! This is where I start feeling great anxiety and feel I can’t do this! When I think this is what MY husband might be doing or thinking, I get very depressed and I freak out. I have trouble leaving him alone at home in fear of this happening in my own home and behind my back. If this was going on in my relationship and I found out, I would walk right out the door because I know I couldn’t deal with it. Like I said, if my husband wants to be more of a woman, I’m fine with that. Yes it’s a huge loss for me and it has changed the life I wanted but I love my husband. But I’m NOT dealing with THAT! He can be a woman in the bedroom with me all he wants...but I’m not dealing with sick fantasies coming into our sex life. I believe sex should be between just us, not fantasizing about somebody else. Freaks me out to the point of feeling crazy!
Does anyone else feel anxiety when it comes to the sexual nature that comes with men who are transitioning?



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Offline Jailyn

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2017, 07:36:06 pm »
I agree with the other 2. Ask your spouse and really you can't be sure of what he is feeling or dreaming. I think it would also help your relationship, if you 2 saw a family therapist because unfortunately hormones do play with your brain chemistry and changes some of the things you were talking about. This is not true for everyone by no means. I have heard many on here of getting couples counseling. It certainly can't hurt and you can work through your  feelings otherwise they just remain cooped up in your head. Which I can tell you from experience this is very not healthy emotionally. I was miserable holding in all my feelings and anxiety. So talk with your spouse and seek help as well.

Online Devlyn

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #5 on: December 22, 2017, 07:48:58 pm »
We also see plenty of topics about people who lose their sex drive, illustrating how we're all so very unique. The road to your answer is open and honest communication between you two. So says the lifelong single person!  ;D

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Offline Saha

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2017, 07:52:44 am »
As someone who has spent some time in couples therapy, and individual therapy, it is so helpful.  For Trans folk, I would think it even more important, given dysphoria.

Offline Jessica

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2017, 08:43:57 am »
Hi Twoman 44,  try not to believe that your spouse has all these traits you abhor.  Have you asked?  Susan’s is a place where you find answers that bring up other questions sometimes.  Not all topics apply to all.  Consider therapy together to sort out these fears that may have no basis at all.  It can be enlightening. Fear is the mind killer.

Jessica
« Last Edit: December 24, 2017, 09:56:47 am by Jessica »

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Offline Mariah

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2017, 12:54:01 pm »
Therapy for yourself along with couples therapy will be very helpful for you. I can totally relate to how your being affected by your spouses anxiety and depression. My spouse's depression and anxiety literally drain me to a point where I have to get some rest and space. Which gets me to another thought, you need to make sure you give yourself some time for yourself where your not being affected by the depression an anxiety your spouse is having. Every time my spouse mentions something that clearly shows their is some kind of interest in men and turning them on it just curdles my stomach while at the same time worries me that they will stray away from loving and being interested in me. It's why I try not to think about what they are thinking because it leads to all sorts of painful thoughts that I really don't want to think about. I'm not sure I would call it anxiety that I have in regards to it, but the thought of it definitely makes me feel uneasy at this point in regards to sex in the bedroom. I suppose when I think about it yeah there are aspects that make me anxious about it.
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Offline BrianaJ

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2017, 08:52:23 am »
What others said - ask.  Talk about it openly.  Be very direct and don't be shy.  And consider that counseling.  Regardless of our gender or sexual orientation, we ALL have desires and fantasies that range from "OMG" to very tame.  Spend that energy you are using on stressing and use it for conversation with your spouse.  :-) 
~~Be kind~~

Offline Roll

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #10 on: December 26, 2017, 09:25:54 am »
Also, it is important to remember that most of the fetishes you mention were not something developed post starting transition, they were sublimation or attempts to find an answer to one's problems during decades of repression of the issue. Essentially, in most likely the majority of instances, transitioning is the "cure" (not the right word, but just as a turn of phrase) not the cause. If your spouse has not shown any inclination towards those sorts of things in the past, I would wager it is unlikely they will suddenly take them up now. (Well, at least because of transitioning. Of course sometimes people figure out fetishes later in life, but that is independent of the trans issue and can happen to anyone.)

On the orientation change issue, while there is debate in the role of hormones causing physiological shift, anecdotally if it does happen it is exceedingly rare. What is common however is that people have repressed their attractions as part of their overall repression. But again, this isn't caused by transitioning, it is a preexisting condition that was simply unacknowledged. That is definitely something to talk to your spouse about, but keep in mind that even then it is nowhere near a sure thing this is the case. It's hard to offer anything but anecdotes, but by and large the trans women on this site who were married to women before transitioning are exclusively attracted to women. (Or at the most, lightly curious but without any desire to actually go through with sleeping with a guy, at least as long as in a relationship.)
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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2017, 10:50:52 am »
Most people have sexual fantasies.  If a woman fantasizes about being with a dominant partner, I think this is usually taken to be fairly normal.  If a transwoman has the same fantasy, it's considered fetishistic or perverse.  I'm not suggesting that all fantasization is healthy, but trans people are often judged harshly for harboring the thoughts not atypical for their target gender.

Offline KellyMarieinAZ

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #12 on: August 30, 2018, 09:06:24 am »
First, thank you for joining us here and sharing your story. You seem like you actually want to make things work in your marriage through this major change. Bless you for caring enough to want to understand.

To reiterate what others have stated, your worries may be rational, but unfounded.

It’s understandable that you would be worried and anxious about this, as you’re entering a world that you are struggling to find answers to explain what is happening.
You are experiencing a major change in your life that you had no plans for nor preparation or experiences on how to handle the changes.
Information you have been reading is a blend of other people’s experiences, and each one is distinctly different.

Now picture having to go through feeling as your husband has for your entire life trying to find answers to explain what is “wrong” with them. In trying to search for answers, and for many of us that grew up without the internet, we find tidbits of information that we are suffering from some perverse mental illness. We start grasping at straws to explain away what society doesn’t accept. This leads to all kinds of manifestations ranging from sexual fantasy association, to questioning our own sexuality; none of which may end up being really how we feel.

What you didn’t provide for information is whether you’ve discussed this with your husband. Are these real concerns for you to be concerned about, or is it a manifestation of the information you’ve read leading you to draw inaccurate conclusions?

I would suggest that you find a counselor for you, and both of you, to talk through these things. As indicated, knowledge is the first step to understanding. The more you know, the better you can feel about the decisions you need to make. If they are having fantasies that you are appalled by, they are most likely a culmination of the years of misinformation trying to understand what they were experiencing, and/or that combined with testosterone that drives sexual fantasies in men.



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Offline warlockmaker

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #13 on: August 30, 2018, 10:00:11 am »
Its so important that you have a clear understanding of the final outcome that you want of your future life together. Discussing how you see the future for each of you is the most important topic. Do not dwell on  his fantasies of the past. it is not longer  relevant. I say not so relevant becuse on HRT the  mental perspective and empathy will change. The T that drives men to be agressive, that drives the sexual fantasies will diminish greatly. Generally, on HRT, that loss of agression gives us peace, a peace we have never known before. We will in be the same person, in all that matters, but we no longer percieve the world in the same way.

My wife and I remain very close and love each other. She faced her demons and accepted she is not a lesbian and could not live with me full time at this time of our lives. She lives in one of my villas,  an hour flight away, with my 16 year old daughter. We visit each other regularly and speak every day. I am at peace and content. We have found a viable path,  going forward, with each other still sharing a life.

Being a buddhist, we don't dwell on the past, its gone and we cannot change it. The future has yet to be written. We only have the present and its actions will affect our future. I wish both of you will find peace and happiness.

When we first start our journey the perception and moral values all dramatically change in wonderment. As we evolve further it all becomes normal again but the journey has changed us forever.

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #14 on: August 30, 2018, 02:38:52 pm »
Twowoman.. I have yet to find anyone here that woke up one day and said."I want to be woman" It was ingrained in our brains as we developed in the womb. It has always been there but so many of us tried to hide. It was my secret for 64 years. Although I wasn't really a very aggressive dude I guess it was enough to convince my wives that I had what it takes to be their man. My first wife and i were very young. About 25 for me when we got married. I was married to what would have been every mans dream of an attractive, sexy, nymph who loved sex. It is that love of sex that made her decide to have an affair. Twice a week was not enough for her. I still believe it was the discovery of my clothes and make-up that led to our split. Luckily my second wife was not like that. We were more into hanging out being friends and sharing experiences. Then we had kids and that completed our family. I got snipped at 36. Instead of focusing on us that attention focused on them and still does even though they are now grown. We have game nights where the kids show up and we play, have fun and discuss family matters. I have no problem saying my family are my best friends. It appears that it takes a very strong woman to see me struggling to come to grips with my dual identity. Yes, for most of us is a somewhat gross masterbation component. I know it has caused me much guilt. But after two years of HRT my sex drive is next to nothing.But we have found that intimacy is more satisfying than sex. Light the fireplace, throw some pillows down and just celebrate each other. A little wine, some conversation and sex really does not matter. It is paying attention to one another. Taking the time to acknowledge just what we mean to each other. I can't force you to consider these methods. But I hope you do. Why do we get married anyway? For sex? If that's the reason it is very superficial and will result in conflict and you really have more problems than your sweetheart .wearing a dress and presenting female. Whether your husband is male or female, we are going to masterbate. It's in the male DNA. We have quite a bit of information on our wiki and links and many support groups have a significant other component to educate our spouses.  Good luck and may you grow old together.
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Offline Roll

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #15 on: September 01, 2018, 04:39:46 pm »
Just a note that the thread was zombied, it's been a good while since the original post and the poster hasn't been active since march.
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(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!
9/08/18 - I'M IN LOVE!!!!


Offline Moonflower

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Re: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF
« Reply #16 on: September 24, 2018, 08:26:31 pm »
I am too familiar with the anxiety that comes from wondering how repulsive a beloved person might be, and being too afraid to find out. I am so sorry to read that you were worrying about what your spouse was thinking and wanting. I appreciate the limits and boundaries that you were exploring and setting. I wonder what your status is now.

If you are still in a bind, I suggest that you focus more on your behavior (especially if you decide to "walk out") rather than on anyone else's behavior. Instead of walking out because you can't handle what someone else did, you might want to consider your other choices, so you can honor the value of the relationship that you have, and feel good about how you handle the situation.

I have the impression that most of us Significant Others are pioneers: we don't have role models to inspire us. We have to find or imagine our mentors, which is often like finding a needle in a haystack. It often takes years to figure out how to connect with the people who we are looking for. We might be leaders for others as trans is discovered during this time in history. I challenge you to imagine yourself standing tall as you deal with your fears.

Hugs...
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