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Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF

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Twoman44:
My husband (mtf and still uses male pronouns and present as male) came out to me in January. It’s been a roller coaster to say the least.... I’m accepting and supportive but the constant ups and downs really give me a lot of depression and anxiety. I don’t really have too much of an issue with him being Trans and taking HRT but it’s the sexual nature that their male sides have (most grew up male with lots of Testosterone). I have read about how they will fantasize about being a woman with a man...(can’t handle that)...along with forced feminization, BDSM... you know what I mean... sexual fantasies while masrurbating (which I find terribly disgusting by the way). When I see posts like “Did your sexual orientation change once on HRT?” Or “Secret fantasies”.... and the comments!!! This is where I start feeling great anxiety and feel I can’t do this! When I think this is what MY husband might be doing or thinking, I get very depressed and I freak out. I have trouble leaving him alone at home in fear of this happening in my own home and behind my back. If this was going on in my relationship and I found out, I would walk right out the door because I know I couldn’t deal with it. Like I said, if my husband wants to be more of a woman, I’m fine with that. Yes it’s a huge loss for me and it has changed the life I wanted but I love my husband. But I’m NOT dealing with THAT! He can be a woman in the bedroom with me all he wants...but I’m not dealing with sick fantasies coming into our sex life. I believe sex should be between just us, not fantasizing about somebody else. Freaks me out to the point of feeling crazy!
Does anyone else feel anxiety when it comes to the sexual nature that comes with men who are transitioning?

Dena:
I can't provide the answer you are looking for but I can give you some data points. One this that Testosterone really plays with our heads and somewhat with our fantasy life. As HRT was started in august, the blockers may not be sufficiently high to block the testosterone so the thoughts that have been there in the past may still be active. One the T levels reach feminine levels, it's likely some of these thoughts may fade. Also if your husband isn't seeing a gender therapist regularly at this stage, I would advise it. One shouldn't undertake a transition without fully understanding ones self. Issues like gender fluid or other non binary identification could result in an improper self diagnosis and a therapist could help sort this out.

I agree that you shouldn't have to deal with anything you are uncomfortable with. The transition is putting enough pressure on you and the transition should help stabilize your relationship instead of complicate it.

Gertrude:
Ask your spouse


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Faith:
Try not to let it get to you. I thought I had some odd 'I want to be female' fantasies. They are nothing compared to some I've read here  :o If it was currently in my nature to blush, I would have stayed beet red through some of these topics. There is a very good chance the he doesn't either. The only way to know is to get an honest answer from him.


--- Quote from: Twoman44 on December 22, 2017, 03:55:05 pm ---My husband (mtf and still uses male pronouns and present as male) came out to me in January. It’s been a roller coaster to say the least.... I’m accepting and supportive but the constant ups and downs really give me a lot of depression and anxiety. I don’t really have too much of an issue with him being Trans and taking HRT but it’s the sexual nature that their male sides have (most grew up male with lots of Testosterone). I have read about how they will fantasize about being a woman with a man...(can’t handle that)...along with forced feminization, BDSM... you know what I mean... sexual fantasies while masrurbating (which I find terribly disgusting by the way). When I see posts like “Did your sexual orientation change once on HRT?” Or “Secret fantasies”.... and the comments!!! This is where I start feeling great anxiety and feel I can’t do this! When I think this is what MY husband might be doing or thinking, I get very depressed and I freak out. I have trouble leaving him alone at home in fear of this happening in my own home and behind my back. If this was going on in my relationship and I found out, I would walk right out the door because I know I couldn’t deal with it. Like I said, if my husband wants to be more of a woman, I’m fine with that. Yes it’s a huge loss for me and it has changed the life I wanted but I love my husband. But I’m NOT dealing with THAT! He can be a woman in the bedroom with me all he wants...but I’m not dealing with sick fantasies coming into our sex life. I believe sex should be between just us, not fantasizing about somebody else. Freaks me out to the point of feeling crazy!
Does anyone else feel anxiety when it comes to the sexual nature that comes with men who are transitioning?

--- End quote ---

Jailyn:
I agree with the other 2. Ask your spouse and really you can't be sure of what he is feeling or dreaming. I think it would also help your relationship, if you 2 saw a family therapist because unfortunately hormones do play with your brain chemistry and changes some of the things you were talking about. This is not true for everyone by no means. I have heard many on here of getting couples counseling. It certainly can't hurt and you can work through your  feelings otherwise they just remain cooped up in your head. Which I can tell you from experience this is very not healthy emotionally. I was miserable holding in all my feelings and anxiety. So talk with your spouse and seek help as well.

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