Topic: Terrifying issues with loving a spouse who is MTF

[kaygee]

As someone who has spent some time in couples therapy, and individual therapy, it is so helpful.  For Trans folk, I would think it even more important, given dysphoria.

What she said.

Couples counseling can work wonders.

Best of luck.🍀

[Sonja]

My husband (mtf and still uses male pronouns and present as male) came out to me in January. It’s been a roller coaster to say the least.... I’m accepting and supportive but the constant ups and downs really give me a lot of depression and anxiety. I don’t really have too much of an issue with him being Trans and taking HRT but it’s the sexual nature that their male sides have (most grew up male with lots of Testosterone). I have read about how they will fantasize about being a woman with a man...(can’t handle that)...along with forced feminization, BDSM... you know what I mean... sexual fantasies while masrurbating (which I find terribly disgusting by the way). When I see posts like “Did your sexual orientation change once on HRT?” Or “Secret fantasies”.... and the comments!!! This is where I start feeling great anxiety and feel I can’t do this! When I think this is what MY husband might be doing or thinking, I get very depressed and I freak out. I have trouble leaving him alone at home in fear of this happening in my own home and behind my back. If this was going on in my relationship and I found out, I would walk right out the door because I know I couldn’t deal with it. Like I said, if my husband wants to be more of a woman, I’m fine with that. Yes it’s a huge loss for me and it has changed the life I wanted but I love my husband. But I’m NOT dealing with THAT! He can be a woman in the bedroom with me all he wants...but I’m not dealing with sick fantasies coming into our sex life. I believe sex should be between just us, not fantasizing about somebody else. Freaks me out to the point of feeling crazy!
Does anyone else feel anxiety when it comes to the sexual nature that comes with men who are transitioning?

@Twoman44

Hi,
I'm Sonja a 42yo MtF transgender woman, married to a women and father to my 9yo son, both of whom know I am transgender.
When I started taking HRT 7 months ago, a number of things happened that I still find quite intriguing.
I haven't watched or wanted to watch any porn since starting hrt,  my libido has decreased overall sligtly but mostly I find its because I'm not as turned on visually as I used to be but way more by words and moments that create the right mood - I now have to be in the right mood to want to have sex - it used to be far easier than this!
My zero attraction to men has stayed exactly the same, in fact I actually find the idea more 'off putting' than previously and I think its because of what I perceive to be a lack of sensitivity from men, and that I see far more of what I find attractive in women in general.
I don't cheat on my wife and the lower sex drive coupled with the support I get from her reassures me that I have no desire to be with another women.
My wife and I aren't into fetishes, but thats not to say our sex life is boring either, I don't believe you need to indulge into that kind of stuff to have a great sex life with your partner  -and we have been together for 20 years!

Everybody is different but I wanted to give you a truthful insight into how HRT has affected me.

I hope this helps,

Sonja.

[mid-life wife]

...Does anyone else feel anxiety when it comes to the sexual nature that comes with men who are transitioning?

Yes, absolutely I worry my husband (he still identifies as he) will decide he wants to transition and in doing so will want a sexual relationship with men.  I don't think he'd cheat on me, but I'm afraid he'd want a full relationship with someone else and our marriage would fail. 

I've had some very kind transwomen on this site give reasons and their own experience to reassure me.  But I have to admit I'm still very afraid.  I read My Husband Betty and the author (the wife of transwoman) had her marriage fail after her husband transitioned and was attracted to men.  I also read, She's Come Undone, written by a transwoman about her dysphoria and transition, in which the author says she began to feel attracted to men after transitioning.  Maybe it's just a quirk of what books get published; other books and articles are more heartening -- in <transgender person> Laura Jane Grace tells her story of transitioning from male to female and she's still attracted to women.

Frankly, the fantasies don't scare me, it's the idea he'd want an intimate, long-term relationship with someone I can never be.

Mid-Life Wife

[SheShe]

Only answer is therapy in this situation.

[Jenny_Oh]

Does anyone else feel anxiety when it comes to the sexual nature that comes with men who are transitioning?

Oh! It's perfectly natural to worry when ones partner undergoes a major change and to seek out more information to help understand, that what you do when you love someone. It may seem confusing, but starting HRT and expressing my female gender identity has probably been one of the least sexually motivated acts of my life. Of course, I can't say it's that way for anybody else, but you can't assume that transitioning and sexuality are intertwined. I would worry less about the obscene fantasies other people post on the internet and instead focus on how you and your partner are feeling towards each other. My biggest worry would be your expressed distrust in your partner, do you have any reason to distrust them or are you merely projecting fears of what you've seen or read onto their situation? I don't know, and maybe you don't either, like everybody else said: talk with a professional, they really can help!