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Seeking Advice - Intimacy with the BF

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Hi there. A bit of introductory information. I am 30, I am a trans woman, I have been on hormones for over 6 years and had top surgery and am living my life as completely female (or the closest as I can come to it I guess). I am currently in a long-term and committed relationship with my boyfriend of two years. He is bisexual and the same age as me. He is deaf, and I am his first long-term relationship that was with a cis woman.

The reason I'm making this thread to try to get some advice from AMAB individuals regarding improving my sex life with my boyfriend. In the past, before I met him, I was pretty sexually active, and I even worked in the sex trade for a little while (just solo cam work, nothing big). And for the most part I was always pretty comfortable with my body for the most part (or as comfortable as I could be being pre-op and whatever else that goes along with gender dysphoria). What I mean in the bluntest terms is that I used to be pretty comfortable with anal sex, and I had a lot of good experiences having receptive anal sex with guys. Sometimes it was even fulfilling enough that I thought maybe I could survive without having the surgery.

When my boyfriend and I started dating we had sex quite a bit. Usually every time we hung out, and then a few times a week when we first moved in together. But over time it slowly dropped. Now we barely have sex more than once a month, and right now we haven't done it since before thanksgiving. One thing I've felt is that I just don't feel very sexual lately, or sexually aroused in any way. I still feel very close to my boyfriend and we are still very much in love with each other, but that physical element is just not there.

Earlier, my boyfriend and I were laying down for a nap and he started getting into things. Just hand stuff, making out, etc. It felt really nice, but I just had this feeling of dread in my stomach about having sex. And I knew that he would want to since in all cases, he never starts foreplay kinda stuff without wanting to get into the real deal. And I really want that intimacy with him, so even though I wasn't super comfortable, I told him I wanted sex too. We started into things, but it was just very uncomfortable. I couldn't relax, and i felt really sore right away. And then to really top it off, I ended up being messy and it totally blew the entire thing up. We ended up cleaning up and whatever, and things just came to an end very unpleasantly.

After the fact I was laying in bed, and I just end up in this unbelievable depression. I feel like my body is disgusting, that I'll never be able to have a normal sex life with my boyfriend, that my body is wrong and being trans is awful, and it spiraled pretty quickly into suicidal thoughts and self-harm. My boyfriend came in the bedroom after he had a shower and saw me sad on the bed and tried to calm me down. He basically was just telling me that it's really not a big deal and that I didn't do anything wrong, and he still loves me and whatever else. And after talking and stuff I feel a little better.

But, I still feel like I need to do something. I need to make changes to things. I want to get back to the relationship I used to have with sex. I want to be able to be physical with my boyfriend more often and to enjoy it more.

So basically, I'm just looking for some advice on maybe what I can do to get back on track. I'm not sure if others have ever been in this position before, but I just don't know what to do. Please help.


I think that it might be a matter of taking things slowly and with a bit of care.

You have obviously had experience with anal so are aware of being well lubed, relaxed and patient. So I was thinking have you had a decline in interest in sex?

If so it may well be that your testosterone levels are too low. Women need some testosterone and produce it naturally but at far lower levels than men. Transgender women can get into the mindset of 'eradicate T at all cost' and that takes libido away just about totally.

Maybe have a chat with your medic and get a shot of T. It doesn't take much to get the brain back into desire.

Then of course you can surprise your BF wearing something sexy, nice atmosphere, well prepared and enjoy yourselves.

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I hadn't considered a physiological component. You might be on to something. I have been dealing with such lethargy and lack of energy for quite some time, and I know that from former blood work my testosterone was very low.

One thing that worries me though, is that if I take testosterone at all it's going to negate or reverse the long-sought effects of my hormone replacement therapy. Would requesting a shot like you suggest cause any noticeable effects in regards to my secondary sexual characteristics?

Not at proper doses. As Cindy mentioned, even cis-women produce testosterone naturally, so it is perfectly normal to have some in your system and not suddenly start growing more body hair or something.


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