Author Topic: Seeking Advice - Intimacy with the BF  (Read 224 times)

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Offline TiLiJay87

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Seeking Advice - Intimacy with the BF
« on: January 01, 2018, 03:00:59 pm »
Hi there. A bit of introductory information. I am 30, I am a trans woman, I have been on hormones for over 6 years and had top surgery and am living my life as completely female (or the closest as I can come to it I guess). I am currently in a long-term and committed relationship with my boyfriend of two years. He is bisexual and the same age as me. He is deaf, and I am his first long-term relationship that was with a cis woman.

The reason I'm making this thread to try to get some advice from AMAB individuals regarding improving my sex life with my boyfriend. In the past, before I met him, I was pretty sexually active, and I even worked in the sex trade for a little while (just solo cam work, nothing big). And for the most part I was always pretty comfortable with my body for the most part (or as comfortable as I could be being pre-op and whatever else that goes along with gender dysphoria). What I mean in the bluntest terms is that I used to be pretty comfortable with anal sex, and I had a lot of good experiences having receptive anal sex with guys. Sometimes it was even fulfilling enough that I thought maybe I could survive without having the surgery.

When my boyfriend and I started dating we had sex quite a bit. Usually every time we hung out, and then a few times a week when we first moved in together. But over time it slowly dropped. Now we barely have sex more than once a month, and right now we haven't done it since before thanksgiving. One thing I've felt is that I just don't feel very sexual lately, or sexually aroused in any way. I still feel very close to my boyfriend and we are still very much in love with each other, but that physical element is just not there.

Earlier, my boyfriend and I were laying down for a nap and he started getting into things. Just hand stuff, making out, etc. It felt really nice, but I just had this feeling of dread in my stomach about having sex. And I knew that he would want to since in all cases, he never starts foreplay kinda stuff without wanting to get into the real deal. And I really want that intimacy with him, so even though I wasn't super comfortable, I told him I wanted sex too. We started into things, but it was just very uncomfortable. I couldn't relax, and i felt really sore right away. And then to really top it off, I ended up being messy and it totally blew the entire thing up. We ended up cleaning up and whatever, and things just came to an end very unpleasantly.

After the fact I was laying in bed, and I just end up in this unbelievable depression. I feel like my body is disgusting, that I'll never be able to have a normal sex life with my boyfriend, that my body is wrong and being trans is awful, and it spiraled pretty quickly into suicidal thoughts and self-harm. My boyfriend came in the bedroom after he had a shower and saw me sad on the bed and tried to calm me down. He basically was just telling me that it's really not a big deal and that I didn't do anything wrong, and he still loves me and whatever else. And after talking and stuff I feel a little better.

But, I still feel like I need to do something. I need to make changes to things. I want to get back to the relationship I used to have with sex. I want to be able to be physical with my boyfriend more often and to enjoy it more.

So basically, I'm just looking for some advice on maybe what I can do to get back on track. I'm not sure if others have ever been in this position before, but I just don't know what to do. Please help.

Online Cindy

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Re: Seeking Advice - Intimacy with the BF
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2018, 03:38:45 pm »
Hi,

I think that it might be a matter of taking things slowly and with a bit of care.

You have obviously had experience with anal so are aware of being well lubed, relaxed and patient. So I was thinking have you had a decline in interest in sex?

If so it may well be that your testosterone levels are too low. Women need some testosterone and produce it naturally but at far lower levels than men. Transgender women can get into the mindset of 'eradicate T at all cost' and that takes libido away just about totally.

Maybe have a chat with your medic and get a shot of T. It doesn't take much to get the brain back into desire.

Then of course you can surprise your BF wearing something sexy, nice atmosphere, well prepared and enjoy yourselves.




Offline Laurie

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Re: Seeking Advice - Intimacy with the BF
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2018, 03:50:06 pm »
  Hi  TiLiJay87,

  I'm Laurie. I see that you are new here. So please let me say, Welcome To Susan's Place! Come on in and take a good look around.  Perhaps I can even get you to hop on over to the Introductions Thread and  create a post to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly. I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site. Please take time to become familiar with them especially the RED one as we are always getting questions that are answered there.
 
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Offline TiLiJay87

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Re: Seeking Advice - Intimacy with the BF
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2018, 05:23:18 pm »
I hadn't considered a physiological component. You might be on to something. I have been dealing with such lethargy and lack of energy for quite some time, and I know that from former blood work my testosterone was very low.

One thing that worries me though, is that if I take testosterone at all it's going to negate or reverse the long-sought effects of my hormone replacement therapy. Would requesting a shot like you suggest cause any noticeable effects in regards to my secondary sexual characteristics?

Offline Roll

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Re: Seeking Advice - Intimacy with the BF
« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2018, 09:03:56 pm »
Not at proper doses. As Cindy mentioned, even cis-women produce testosterone naturally, so it is perfectly normal to have some in your system and not suddenly start growing more body hair or something.
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Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: Seeking Advice - Intimacy with the BF
« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2018, 10:02:24 pm »
 I think going a month or more without sex while being young and on a serious relationship is out of the ordinary. Definitely check if your T is too low. Also; anything bothering you emotionally/psychologically lately?


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Offline TiLiJay87

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Re: Seeking Advice - Intimacy with the BF
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2018, 08:03:54 am »
I have felt very lethargic lately, like really low energy. I feel tired a lot and never have the motivation for getting active. I feel like I've put on weight quite a bit, though my boyfriend keeps telling me I look fine. I just feel blah. I also stress a lot about my work. I am a psychologist and I supervise about a dozen cases right now. I'm still in the 1st year since receiving my certification and getting the hang of things. But I feel like a lot of stress from that is really linked to my lack of energy and focus as well. I can't get motivated to get stuff done, I fall behind on work, I get stressed, and then I feel worse.

I've also had the worst mood swings lately. Like getting angry for no reason or crying at the drop of a hat. I just don't feel like myself lately. I haven't changed my dosages at all, but I've been on the same her regimen for years and years without issue. I am of the belief that it has to do with my diet and lack oif exercise, so I starting a new health plan yesterday to remove excess sugar and carbohydrates and fat and to focus on healthier living. Hopefully that helps. But when it cones to exercise I'm still dealing wityh the energy issue. Maybe I should schedule an appointment with my doctor.

Offline Roll

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Re: Seeking Advice - Intimacy with the BF
« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2018, 10:49:43 am »
I'm far from anything resembling an expert, I'm barely a novice really, but that sounds a lot like the effects a hormone imbalance. Even if you haven't changed your doses, it doesn't mean your hormones won't change.
- Ellie

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12/17/17 through 1/1/18 - Out to essentially all family!

Look what I found! https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/life ... Sorry, that was stupid, even for me.


Offline TiLiJay87

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Re: Seeking Advice - Intimacy with the BF
« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2018, 12:34:17 pm »
I setup an appointment for Friday. It will prolly take a minute for the blood work and everything but maybe my doctor has some advice.

Online Dena

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Re: Seeking Advice - Intimacy with the BF
« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2018, 03:09:51 pm »
As one of the things you will be looking into is your T levels, The following chart might be useful. Women sometimes have low T issues and there is a patch that provides very low dose T to bring women into the normal range. In my case, I am post surgical for 35 years and my T level is 36 ng/dL without supplements.


ESTRADIOL LEVELS
SEX                     pg/ml
Women (> 18 years old)   
      Follicular Phase  30-120
      Ovulatory Peak   130-370
      Luteal Phase      70-250
      Post-Menopausal   15-60
Male                    15-60

TOTAL TESTOSTERONE LEVELS
SEX      ng/dl        ng/ml
Females  6 - 86     0.1 - 1.2
Males  270 - 1100   2.4 - 12
Conversion factor: 1 ng/ml = 3.47 nmol/l



https://www.questdiagnostics.com/dms/Documents/test-center/si_units.pdf

Analyte        Gravietric  Conversion International
               Unit        Factor     Unit
Estrone        pg/mL       3.699      pmol/L
Estradiol      pg/ml       3.67       pmol/L
Estriol        pg/ml       3.47       nmol/L
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