Author Topic: One year transiversary!  (Read 178 times)

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Offline Cailan Jerika

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One year transiversary!
« on: January 03, 2018, 04:52:19 pm »
One year ago today I finally figured out I'm transgender: nonbinary: bi-gender AFAB. The most amazing thing is that once I figured out I'm not cis, it took me all of an hour to figure out *exactly* where I fit in the transgender spectrum. I am both female and male. Even though I was 47, there was no adjustment for me, no upset or doubt. It was immediately liberating, a relief to finally have an answer to why I'd felt so out of place from childhood. My identity settled into my bones easily. Perhaps because I never knew it was there to hide it. I've just gone with it, never knowing what it was. When I started coming out to family and friends, a common response was "yeah, that makes sense" or "I didn't have a name for it, but I knew it." Sometimes I think I was the last to know.

Over the last year that led me to explore exactly what I wanted to do with this knowledge. Did I want to make any kind of transition? Presentation (clothes, hair, etc)? Hormonal? Medical/surgical? I experimented a bit. I tried testosterone, and it was right, until it wasn't. I bought some men's clothes. Got my hair cut short.

For a while I was kinda stuck in the middle, situationally one or the other for short periods of time, but usually both, not really a mix in the middle like an androgyne person, but able to see/feel/be both sides more or less equally. Then I went on the strongest masc swing of my life. I felt like I was a transguy, completely. I couldn't see the girl in me at all, except for my continued love of all things girly and sparkly. I loved my testosterone, and began to consider a full physical transition. It lasted several months. Then I went on the first *totally girl* swing of my life. It was my dearest wish from the time I hit puberty to really FEEL like a girl. I would much rather be cis female than any other option. And I loved it. I quit testosterone and went *full girly* and it felt as amazing as I imagined it would. I'm still on that swing. At the moment I feel like I'm cis female, but I know my guy side will eventually come back. I still haven't decided what to do about hormones. I don't want to go back and forth with my gender swings; that can't be healthy.

I've also figured out that while my guy side is a guy, and wants to *be* a guy socially in non physical appearance ways, for the most part, I don't want to look like a guy. I like my outer girly appearance (perhaps my guy side is okay with it because I'm not particularly naturally feminine in build - a rather masculine, tall woman) and love girly clothes and sparkly things. But I also get an odd dual pleasure out of wearing all guy clothes - and making them look totally femme.

So, one year in and I am amazed to be able to say I've pretty much figured out who I am and what I want. And that I'm mostly already there.
Cailan in guy mode, Jerika in girl mode, but usually a guy happily living in a girl's body.

Offline markie

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Re: One year transiversary!
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2018, 05:50:39 pm »
Congrats 😊 good for you youve got it together.....its funny but i can relate ...thats the great thing about this site
One gets to learn  from others posts
thanks  for sharing
Lets get this party started

Offline Laurie

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Re: One year transiversary!
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2018, 11:49:05 pm »
Hi Cailan Jerika,

  Congrats on the year mark but more importantly congrats on figuring  yourself out and know who you are. That's just plain great.

Hi, I'm Laurie
“Sit with me, and I'll not be alone. Hold my hand, and I'll not feel alone. Cry with me, and I'll no longer suffer alone.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich,

Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol