Author Topic: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?  (Read 1662 times)

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Offline amandam

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #80 on: September 11, 2019, 09:44:22 am »
Another way of saying it is stop being what isn't you.
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Offline pamelamoore2706

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #81 on: September 11, 2019, 09:54:06 am »
Another way of saying it is stop being what isn't you.
Indeed but quite a few people on here are in situations which make that impossible or very difficult. Personally being myself is just so wonderful for me


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Offline LaRae

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #82 on: September 12, 2019, 11:24:30 am »
My reluctance is more just regional. The thought of going through this in a deep south small town terrifies me, but my family's here, & we won't be in a position to leave for at least about another year & a half, so I have no choice.


Usually I'm fine, but every once in a while thst fear of my environment pops up.
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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #83 on: September 12, 2019, 04:35:44 pm »
@Allie Jayne

Yes, I spent most of my life dreaming of being female, but my conscious thinking was I would rather continue my very good life as a male rather than the very dubious future as a trans woman.

Allie, can I ask you... why? It's something I don't have experience with, or understanding of, from a personal level. It's something I kind of wish I could get my head around, to be able to understand people better. What is it about life as male which is preferable to being female? What... I'm not sure what I'm trying to ask... I guess... what is it that is reluctant?

I've been here a long time, and honestly, from the things I've read... there are far fewer people who feel like they're being almost denied a life they want because of a life they feel they should have, than there are people who want to bring themselves into line with the life they want for themselves, and have wanted for as long as they can remember.

I don't understand... I suppose, what is the difference, in your mind? Is it a purely physical thing? Is it a case of just wanting to be happy in your own skin? Or something else? It seems from your post that you believe your choices are either male or transgirl. Rather than "Woman". And I can see how that might be an issue for you. But I just... I don't know. What you've written makes me wonder what is it that motivates you?

Online Allie Jayne

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #84 on: September 12, 2019, 09:46:43 pm »
@Allie Jayne

Allie, can I ask you... why? It's something I don't have experience with, or understanding of, from a personal level. It's something I kind of wish I could get my head around, to be able to understand people better. What is it about life as male which is preferable to being female? What... I'm not sure what I'm trying to ask... I guess... what is it that is reluctant?

I've been here a long time, and honestly, from the things I've read... there are far fewer people who feel like they're being almost denied a life they want because of a life they feel they should have, than there are people who want to bring themselves into line with the life they want for themselves, and have wanted for as long as they can remember.

I don't understand... I suppose, what is the difference, in your mind? Is it a purely physical thing? Is it a case of just wanting to be happy in your own skin? Or something else? It seems from your post that you believe your choices are either male or transgirl. Rather than "Woman". And I can see how that might be an issue for you. But I just... I don't know. What you've written makes me wonder what is it that motivates you?

Sephira, my male life was almost perfect, I had my dysphoria under control, I was myself full time at home, most people who knew me recognised my strong feminine side, and I was included in intimate conversations with women, so except for appearance outside my home, I felt I was living the life of a woman. My wife was happy for us to go on this way for the rest of our lives. We are financially comfortable, living in our dream location, and I had a dream job. My life was completed with children who had grown into fine adults and given me 3 grandsons. Just over a year ago, I considered transition, but looked at what I could risk in my life. My wife said she would leave me, we would have to sell our dream home, be in a far less comfortable financial position, as I work in children’s education I wasn’t sure if I could continue with the kids, and I felt that my daughters in laws would try to keep me away from my grandkids. In short, I would have to put everything I held dear in my life at risk, and the potential price was just too high, so I decided not to transition.

This year, my dysphoria went out of control, making me very sick and deeply depressed. I got to the point of some of my body functions shutting down and thoughts of suicide, and I knew I couldn’t put off transition any longer. It wasn’t my decision, but a survival need, and shortly after starting HRT, my health returned and my wife started making plans to leave me. We are still working on all of this, but when I started this thread, everything in my life was still at risk. I knew I had to transition, but I didn’t want to pay the potential price, thus my transition has been reluctant.

 I valued my wife, family, job, and lifestyle above my need to transition, as do many others who have posted on this thread. I didn’t decide to transition, I was forced. I am working very hard to retain those things in life that are at risk, and things are looking much better. I still have no idea how my transition will work out, if I will ever be passable, or have to live life explaining myself, or worse, scared to go out an live life. The potential cost for such an uncertain outcome defies a rational decision, so it had to come to survival.

I hope this answers your question.

Allie

Offline Complete

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #85 on: September 12, 2019, 10:04:30 pm »
Allie, l certainly hope you can find a way to address your dysphoria without destroying that is so important to you and that you have worked for all your life. There is an individual on another website that has successfully  dealt with this issue for many decades.  if you I'M me I will share their contact info.

Online Allie Jayne

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #86 on: September 13, 2019, 07:55:01 am »
Complete, provided I maintain my transition without setbacks or delays, my dysphoria is happy. Anytime my transition is not going full speed, it is not happy. I should be able to avoid attacks, but at my age, I could get some other problem which could slow things down and that would get me into trouble again. Please note that I am personally happy with my transition, but it does not help my wife if it happens too fast for her to adjust.

Allie

Offline amandam

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #87 on: September 14, 2019, 11:26:00 am »
It's an emotional decision to transition. I found that trying to chill out about my dysphoria has helped immensely, the Prozac helps.  If my mind is settled down, I can think more clearly about it. 

I have a solid job, and three kids in college. I don't want to upset the apple cart. Some of my co-workers would not react well at all. Yes, HR would protect me, but there would still be that added stress. If I transition, I want to keep it stealth as long as possible to minimize problems. Retirement is coming soon.

That being said, and all my kidding aside. Yes, I want a woman's body. Yes, I want to dress as a woman. Yes, I want to 'feel' like a woman, and in may ways I already do. Would I rather be a woman than a man, in my heart of hearts, yes.

Will I ever completely transition? I don't know, I may end up playing grandpa with the wife to the end. Should I transition? Yes, I think that would be best for my needs. I admit it, I'm a transsexual, I'm a woman.

That was hard to write, I paused multiple times. How's that for reluctance.


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Offline Paul Muad-Dib

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #88 on: September 14, 2019, 12:18:51 pm »
Paul, this is probably none of my business, but HRT and natural maleness works for you in many ways.
 Hypothetically would expressing some femininity also be beneficial. For instance enjoying the undeniable benefits of HRT but not being bound by a particular gender presentation.
 Would spending the odd day as a woman but running on full T be jarring or would it just a bit of fun ?

Honestly I don't see the need for it, but if there was a particular reason, Halloween, theater, something like that, it wouldn't be a problem if I did. I don't feel I need to express it physically/overtly. I can see how others might do it and how it helps them if they do though.

Gender presentation in itself isn't something I consciously do - I gravitate toward darker or plainer colors and clothes, simpler styles... and men's clothing has always fitted that M.O. The switchover to wearing mostly male clothes as opposed to just some bits of male attire I barely noticed, other than I know I can do it now without noticing I'm doing it. Kind of a relief that men's presentation is so generally boring. Women's clothing and women themselves tend to be so hyper aware of what they're wearing and how it fits into their presentation which is something I could never parse well. Having to think hard about what I'm wearing and why and if I've worn it too many times before was always too much of a headache for me and the idea of taking part in that outside of the confines of a group purpose seems like it wouldn't do much for me.

If I have feminine qualities they're subtle and they tend to come out in direct communication. Not in mannerisms but in the fact that there really isn't any topic I'm afraid of, and I'm not afraid of just being honest about how I feel about something or asking someone else how they feel about something. When it's delivered in a man's voice it doesn't tend to be taken as feminine, I noticed, even if conventionally speaking, it is a more feminine trait.   
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Online Allie Jayne

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #89 on: September 14, 2019, 12:32:08 pm »
It's an emotional decision to transition. I found that trying to chill out about my dysphoria has helped immensely, the Prozac helps.  If my mind is settled down, I can think more clearly about it. 

I have a solid job, and three kids in college. I don't want to upset the apple cart. Some of my co-workers would not react well at all. Yes, HR would protect me, but there would still be that added stress. If I transition, I want to keep it stealth as long as possible to minimize problems. Retirement is coming soon.

That being said, and all my kidding aside. Yes, I want a woman's body. Yes, I want to dress as a woman. Yes, I want to 'feel' like a woman, and in may ways I already do. Would I rather be a woman than a man, in my heart of hearts, yes.

Will I ever completely transition? I don't know, I may end up playing grandpa with the wife to the end. Should I transition? Yes, I think that would be best for my needs. I admit it, I'm a transsexual, I'm a woman.

That was hard to write, I paused multiple times. How's that for reluctance.

Amandam, I put it off for as long as I could, meaning my children are grown an I am at retirement age. Maybe I put it off too long as it came down to survival rather than my decision, and I am not happy about that. I have decided to keep working through my transition, and my workplace has been amazingly supportive, possibly too much so. They are arranging staff education, formalising all aspects like toilet access, pronouns, understanding of the discrimination act, arranging psychological backup for employees affected and procedures for problems. I was hoping to just let my co workers know why I am changing and fly under the radar as much as I could. It is great I don’t have to hide my changes at work, but I was hoping for as little fuss as possible.

I’m just 6 months in and all my family members and work colleagues address me as Allie, and the word is spreading. Soon my local community will know, and even though I plan to keep presenting publicly as male for the next year at least, i will broadly be known as a transgender person. I can deal with this, but I’m not sure about my wife, but it’s out of my control now. I still don’t know if or when I will complete my transition, though I know I must to hope to rid myself of dysphoria.

I know how hard it was for you to put down in writing the future you know you must have, that you have now formally admitted to yourself and us that you need this. I hope it goes as well for you as it is working out for me, but perhaps with a little less fuss.

Hugs,

Allie

Offline amandam

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #90 on: September 14, 2019, 02:43:17 pm »
Thanks Allie, that's why I'm trying to ease things along. Both of us have built up lives and the last thing we need to do is take a 'scorched Earth' policy. Yes, transition would be awesome, but try not to do damage along the way.
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Offline Kirsteneklund7

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #91 on: September 14, 2019, 05:15:59 pm »
Honestly I don't see the need for it, but if there was a particular reason, Halloween, theater, something like that, it wouldn't be a problem if I did. I don't feel I need to express it physically/overtly. I can see how others might do it and how it helps them if they do though.

Gender presentation in itself isn't something I consciously do - I gravitate toward darker or plainer colors and clothes, simpler styles... and men's clothing has always fitted that M.O. The switchover to wearing mostly male clothes as opposed to just some bits of male attire I barely noticed, other than I know I can do it now without noticing I'm doing it. Kind of a relief that men's presentation is so generally boring. Women's clothing and women themselves tend to be so hyper aware of what they're wearing and how it fits into their presentation which is something I could never parse well. Having to think hard about what I'm wearing and why and if I've worn it too many times before was always too much of a headache for me and the idea of taking part in that outside of the confines of a group purpose seems like it wouldn't do much for me.

If I have feminine qualities they're subtle and they tend to come out in direct communication. Not in mannerisms but in the fact that there really isn't any topic I'm afraid of, and I'm not afraid of just being honest about how I feel about something or asking someone else how they feel about something. When it's delivered in a man's voice it doesn't tend to be taken as feminine, I noticed, even if conventionally speaking, it is a more feminine trait.
I understand Paul, I really can dig that ! No need to push female expression at all ( no point ). It must also be great being able to express oneself with the deeper male voice that integrates so well with the rest of your disposition as well.
 I would imagine delivering conversation with the higher, less forceful voice of a woman just wouldnt suit.
 I had a bit of a laugh not very long ago when some friends were visiting. I had on one of my more feminine dresses, my face was made up. My friend remarked I looked quite female and my breasts were obvious in the outfit.
 I said," too true Shane I am very happy with hormones, but listen to my Darth Vader voice ! "
  Like you I wish I could align the voice with the look.

 Kirsten x.

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Offline Paul Muad-Dib

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #92 on: September 15, 2019, 01:57:52 pm »
I never much liked my own voice but I get on with it a whole lot better at this point. It's a running joke with friends how low it is compared to several of the cis guys I run with, most of them have naturally higher voices and I can entertain with impressions now when I just couldn't before - my voice lacked the range or versatility and even the volume before to really do much with.

Voice is one of those things most of us take for granted, I did mine before now, didn't give much thought to ever being able to change it up or stretch it out, but with some practice I guess most people are able to find a spot they're comfortable using. Have you thought about taking up with a voice coach? If singers can do what they do to expand range there might be some leeway there.

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Offline Kirsteneklund7

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #93 on: September 15, 2019, 04:03:16 pm »
I never much liked my own voice but I get on with it a whole lot better at this point. It's a running joke with friends how low it is compared to several of the cis guys I run with, most of them have naturally higher voices and I can entertain with impressions now when I just couldn't before - my voice lacked the range or versatility and even the volume before to really do much with.

Voice is one of those things most of us take for granted, I did mine before now, didn't give much thought to ever being able to change it up or stretch it out, but with some practice I guess most people are able to find a spot they're comfortable using. Have you thought about taking up with a voice coach? If singers can do what they do to expand range there might be some leeway there.
Yes quite right Paul, I can go through some voice training and I intend to. I have spoken with " Naturally Speaking " an outfit in Melbourne that has helped trans patients before. It is Skype based as they are on the other side of the country. Finding the time and the budget is a trick but not impossible

 To be honest I have been at the point where Im getting others used to my female  alter ego and the deep voice and often stubble( for electrolysis ) gets some light hearted laughs. In a nutshell it is all good.

 In fact I had guests last night and I modelled a couple of outfits. It makes me feel I have much more freedom of expression now. It would even be more fun if I can master my voice.

 Paul sounds like you have some fun with the artistic crowd as well. Gender dysphoria can have its fun side at times !

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Offline Paul Muad-Dib

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Re: Is anyone else going through a reluctant transition?
« Reply #94 on: September 16, 2019, 08:04:36 pm »
Good to hear.

I do enjoy being more relaxed these days. I wouldn't have thought it before as I was never the class clown, but I do like performance art. Something I wouldn't have given the time of day to when locked in the small room that is The Condition, which seems to suck the life/joy/motivation out of a person without them even really knowing it.
"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."

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