Author Topic: Bari Jo's Corner  (Read 16504 times)

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Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #20 on: January 17, 2018, 06:57:24 am »
I am glad to see that you have your own thread, Bari Jo.

I am inclined to agree with Moni about coming out at work.  Just pull that tooth and get it over with.  Make it official and public, with a memo from HR saying that Bari Jo will be using the women's washroom from now on so don't hassle her about it or there'll be trouble, and most people will be accepting and happy for you.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

Offline Julia1996

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #21 on: January 17, 2018, 08:21:10 am »
Okay, now that I've had some pluses, I'm going to bring up a minus.  This particular happening occurred when I was on a transition high.  It started after I discovered a new app called faceapp.  It's a gender change app on Android.  My Avatar pict is from that app. If you see a tiny yellow woman icon in the lower left of the pict, it's from faceapp.  Anyway, I was really enjoying the app.  Then I started to really look closely at the differences from before and after and started considering FFS.  I was asking for advice on this in the FFS forum, and we'll got some, brutally honest feedback.  It took whatever confidence I had built up, took it all away, and then dug a hole so deep I couldnt see the bottom, then threw me in it.  I read it at lunch at work and sobbed, literally.  Afterwards I had a meeting and was asked how I was and that made me start sobbing again and I had to excuse myself from the meeting.  I was very guarded in any topic on Susan's for a while, even considered quitting altogether.  Some very nice ladies here saw my distress and talked me off that ledge.  I still am guarded going near the link for that forum, and almost never go in it now.  It has discouraged me from participating in the faceapp and before/after threads too.  I know, irrational.  I'm a girl, nobody said I was rational.

So anyway, here's the faceapp thread which can be fun.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228054.0.html

Here's the thread I had for FFS.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229525.msg2039163.html#msg2039163

You may ask why rehash that here.  Well, it's part of what makes me Bari Jo.  Its part of this crazy journey of mine, and although I don't want to feel pain from these moments I don't want to forget.

Bari Jo

I'm sorry you had such an awful experience sweetie. But I wouldn't take the things some of those people said to heart. Don't ever ask transwomen to judge your pictures. It's just asking for heartache. Transwomen search for any tiny flaw and emphasize them. It's not that they are trying to be mean, they're not at all. But as transwomen we look much deeper for flaws than any CIS person ever would. That's because we are so used to doing it to ourselves it's hard not to do it to others. Keep in mind that a cis person isn't going to notice 80% of the flaws we see. Our whole world revolves around trying to pass. We search out any flaw in ourselves and others. A cis person doesn't automatically start looking for tell signs that someone is trans in every woman they see like we do.

Keep in mind that you haven't been on hrt that long. Hrt is going to soften your features, the longer you're on it the more it feminizes your features. Also, once you have hair removal that's going to make your skin look much better because you won't have that dark shadow hiding beneath the surface of your skin. In my opinion it's much too early to be worrying about FFS.  And be careful who you ask about your appearance. If I asked for everyone to critique my photo I'm sure someone would point out flaws I didn't know about and then I would be all stressed out over it. That's why I don't ask anyone to critique my appearance. The only person I ever ask about my appearance is my brother. He's been very helpful actually. One of his favorite pastimes is looking at girls. He does tend to be blunt and very honest but because of that I know his compliments are sincere and he's not just telling me what I want to hear. Someone like that would be good for you to get opinions from. Your sister maybe?

I've told you before that I think your results from hrt will be very good and I mean that. I've seen your regular pictures without faceapp too and I still think that.
Julia


Born 1998
Started hrt 2015
SRS done 5/21/2018

FinallyMichelle

Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #22 on: January 17, 2018, 09:11:14 am »
Yes, yes. To Julia you listen. Sorry, I have been watching my nephew's boy and he has been watching Star Wars over and over.

It is so normal to have those anxieties and fears but work and hormones can do miracles. It just takes time, not something that anyone wants to hear but it is true. Relax if you can, when you can. Not being lazy but mindful that this is how life works.

I know it's natural to seek reassurance but maybe here is not the best place. At least you've gotten some feedback, if not awesome, it's more than I have ever gotten here. 😃 It definitely helped me to learn though and I did eventually get my friends to give me feedback. Whether I pass or not, reassurance is just temporary, mirror, mirror on the wall had the final say. Mostly it was not kind in the beginning. I don't have any answers but if you are being absolutely honest, don't you think it's too early to be freaking out? Is it absolutely necessary to be so hard on yourself?

Anyway, hope that you are feeling better today.

Offline Bari Jo

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #23 on: January 17, 2018, 09:30:37 am »
Thanks, I'm better now than I was back then.  I've been on hrt for over six months now.  I'm probably over the phase where I had to get FFS.  I've had enough interaction with other trans ladies where they seemed genuinely happy as they are, and their features are way more masculine than me.  Well, I'd still like to get a nose job, I don't consider that FFS:)

Bari Jo
you know how far the universe extends outward? i think i go inside just as deep.

11/6/17 - came out to sister, best day of my life
9/5/17 - formal diagnosis and stopping DIY in favor if prescribed HRT
6/18/17 - decided to stop fighting the trans beast, back on DIY.
Too many ups and downs, DIY, purges of self inbetween dates.
Age 10 - suppression and denial began
Age 8 - knew I was different

Offline Roll

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #24 on: January 17, 2018, 09:41:52 am »
Thanks, I'm better now than I was back then.  I've been on hrt for over six months now.  I'm probably over the phase where I had to get FFS.  I've had enough interaction with other trans ladies where they seemed genuinely happy as they are, and their features are way more masculine than me.  Well, I'd still like to get a nose job, I don't consider that FFS:)

Bari Jo

People keep telling me my nose is fine, and yours is way better than mine hands down. If I can't get a nose job, you can't get a nose job! ;D
~ Ellie
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I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
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An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!


Offline Bari Jo

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #25 on: January 17, 2018, 10:34:33 am »
Hah, Ellie, there's a reason I don't show picts with a side profile.  It may as well be a witch from an old movie.  I hate it, always hated it.

now onto new stuff kinda.  I've had some wonderful coming outs and I am considering doing some more.  my first coming out was to my producer at my old job.  she is on the diversity advisory council at the old company I worked for.  that did not exist at the time I was there.  I was always so angry and repressed at that job.  I wanted to congratulate her and let her know my situation while I was there, so I did.  that was number one.

My second was to my sister.  I had so much anxiety over this as my sister is my best friend and if I screw this one up, well, I couldn't bare it.  I wrote a coming out letter over and over.  I was tearing up a bit doing it, and got comments from coworkers.  It was then I realized I was writing it ON national coming out day.  I wrote it, rewrote it, rehearsed it in my head, it was my life at the time.  I couldn't think of anything else.  At group I wanted to talk about coming out to family but couldn't even start the conversation.  I ended up crying the whole time.  Lots of hugs went around but no real help.  Worse is I couldn't find the time to have the conversation.  I wanted to do it in person.  I ended up leaving a letter for her in case she snoops in my room.  Well she didn't, but I had to direct her to the letter, since I was a moron texting.  it went far far better than I expected.  she's my unicorn supporter and is trying to help chart my path.  Below is the link of my coming out to her.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230281.0.html

My third was to my dad who is retired career military, has had lots of anti trans comments.  I wasn't planning on coming out to him, but my sister encouraged me, she talked with him about other trans families.  Well, it was rocky.  For him I had to do it by letter.  I dropped it off at his hotel and waited and waited.  Nothing.  My sister called him and he's accepting, but not really supportive.  We still do stuff together, and he monitors my labs and ran checks on my doctor.  Yes, he was playing cop about it, but that's fine, it is his expertise being a licensed surgeon in the same state.  Anyway, we are still friends and we are relearning what it is to be father and daughter.

My fourth is my mom, which I did in person over wine.  That went about as well as my sister.  I still get teared up thinking how supportive my mom has been.  Here's the link of the coming out to her:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231214.0.html

So now that's immediate family, I'm going to talk with some neighbors.  Unlike most places, we have a very tight community.  We are always in the courtyard talking, have cocktail sundays, and movie nights.  It's all spontaneous but everybody comes and talks.  Of my neighbors, my direct neighbors are a lesbien couple where one wife works at the lgbt center.  How she doesn't know about me yet, no clue.  I attend two different support groups as the center too.  I have another gay male couple that are my dog sitters.  The hoa board has a gay male couple.  Behind me is a lesbian couple.  To the left a few doors down is another gay male.  We are represented, well everything except trans.  I get along with just about everybody too.  Ive decided to come out to the lesbian couple that works at the lgbt center.  They will know soon enough anyway.  Plus they have to be supportive basically.  I will also come out to my neighbor that is a family therapist.  I've caught her so many times with her wheels turning trying to figure me out, so I'm going to tell her.  With any luck withing a week or two, both these coming outs will have been done.

Bari Jo
you know how far the universe extends outward? i think i go inside just as deep.

11/6/17 - came out to sister, best day of my life
9/5/17 - formal diagnosis and stopping DIY in favor if prescribed HRT
6/18/17 - decided to stop fighting the trans beast, back on DIY.
Too many ups and downs, DIY, purges of self inbetween dates.
Age 10 - suppression and denial began
Age 8 - knew I was different

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #26 on: January 17, 2018, 11:09:50 am »
Ive decided to come out to the lesbian couple that works at the lgbt center.  They will know soon enough anyway.  Plus they have to be supportive basically.
Good choice!  After my wife, the first person I came out to was my lesbian neighbour who works at an LGBT centre.  It was not only a safe move, but a very helpful one as well, as she was able to point me to the resources I would need for transition.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

Offline Roll

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #27 on: January 17, 2018, 11:39:27 am »
Don't forget, they may be very aware but also know that it is something you should bring up with them, rather than them just saying "Hey, you trans?" like some people more oblivious to the heartache and difficulty may do.
~ Ellie
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I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!


Online Steph2.0

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #28 on: January 17, 2018, 09:14:01 pm »
Good choice!  After my wife, the first person I came out to was my lesbian neighbour who works at an LGBT centre.  It was not only a safe move, but a very helpful one as well, as she was able to point me to the resources I would need for transition.

I may have written about this in my own thread, but my memory is what I forget with, so here it is: After coming out to my wife, and while I was trying to find a therapist, I was desperate to have someone to talk to about this. A lady had shown up in my life who said she'd known me from my old days flying ultralights in Michigan. She told stories that confirmed that. She showed up at my displays at airshows with her girlfriend, and had just moved within 15 miles of my house. So I figured as someone in the LGBT community, maybe she'd be supportive of my T, even though she was L. I invited her over to tell her about it, and after talking about the old days for a while, I chickened out. When she was on the way out, she stopped and said, "Well, you wanted to tell me something..." Busted. So I told her what I'd been going through, ending with, "I've determined that I'm transgender." Everything went quiet... and she said, "Yeah... me too."

I'd had no idea. She has since become a kind of mentor to me, and we visit often. Over in my thread I have a recent entry about how a friend told the seller of a plane she was interested that she needed her girlfriend Stephanie to inspect it before she bought it. That was her.

Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/11/2017 * GCS Consultation at Mt. Sinai 3/16/2018 * Began FFS Consultations June/July 2018

Offline Cassi

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #29 on: January 17, 2018, 09:42:04 pm »
I may have written about this in my own thread, but my memory is what I forget with, so here it is: After coming out to my wife, and while I was trying to find a therapist, I was desperate to have someone to talk to about this. A lady had shown up in my life who said she'd known me from my old days flying ultralights in Michigan. She told stories that confirmed that. She showed up at my displays at airshows with her girlfriend, and had just moved within 15 miles of my house. So I figured as someone in the LGBT community, maybe she'd be supportive of my T, even though she was L. I invited her over to tell her about it, and after talking about the old days for a while, I chickened out. When she was on the way out, she stopped and said, "Well, you wanted to tell me something..." Busted. So I told her what I'd been going through, ending with, "I've determined that I'm transgender." Everything went quiet... and she said, "Yeah... me too."

I'd had no idea. She has since become a kind of mentor to me, and we visit often. Over in my thread I have a recent entry about how a friend told the seller of a plane she was interested that she needed her girlfriend Stephanie to inspect it before she bought it. That was her.

Stephanie

Wow, I always wanted an UltraLite! 

Online Steph2.0

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #30 on: January 17, 2018, 10:54:10 pm »
Wow, I always wanted an UltraLite!

I'm your girl. Ultralights and light planes are my passion and business. PM me if you want to talk about it.

Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/11/2017 * GCS Consultation at Mt. Sinai 3/16/2018 * Began FFS Consultations June/July 2018

Offline Bari Jo

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #31 on: January 18, 2018, 12:11:45 am »
hmm, I have been thinking more on this.  My sister will be here I a week and wants to host drinks in my gallery on that Friday.  I'd like to have the coming out conversations with those neighbors beforehand. However, my sister and I are getting our eyebrows threaded the night before.  So maybe that gallery night would be good.  I just want it over with:)  Btw, I'm a little worried how one girl will react since she's so politically motivated.  I hate politics and think she will want me to join her causes, or be mad that I am not joining her causes.  Eef, politics brings out the worst in people.

Bari Jo
« Last Edit: January 18, 2018, 06:45:32 am by Bari Jo »
you know how far the universe extends outward? i think i go inside just as deep.

11/6/17 - came out to sister, best day of my life
9/5/17 - formal diagnosis and stopping DIY in favor if prescribed HRT
6/18/17 - decided to stop fighting the trans beast, back on DIY.
Too many ups and downs, DIY, purges of self inbetween dates.
Age 10 - suppression and denial began
Age 8 - knew I was different

Offline Roll

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #32 on: January 18, 2018, 12:14:46 am »
Maybe if she brings it up, just let her know you aren't ready yet but you hope to be in a position to someday. Kind of kick the can down the road a bit. It's not 100% honest, but helps you at least get through the night without awkward hassle.
~ Ellie
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I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!


Offline Bari Jo

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #33 on: January 18, 2018, 08:07:27 am »
Hmm I had the realization today that my home business is the only female owned business of its type in the world.  Now I'm worried that my transition may overshadow the products I design and build.  It makes me a little scared of the future.

Bari Jo
you know how far the universe extends outward? i think i go inside just as deep.

11/6/17 - came out to sister, best day of my life
9/5/17 - formal diagnosis and stopping DIY in favor if prescribed HRT
6/18/17 - decided to stop fighting the trans beast, back on DIY.
Too many ups and downs, DIY, purges of self inbetween dates.
Age 10 - suppression and denial began
Age 8 - knew I was different

Offline Roll

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #34 on: January 18, 2018, 09:22:46 am »
Hmm I had the realization today that my home business is the only female owned business of its type in the world.  Now I'm worried that my transition may overshadow the products I design and build.  It makes me a little scared of the future.

Bari Jo

Don't worry about those sorts of labels, the average person really doesn't pay attention to those sorts of things and will just take your products for what they are. Even when people actively say "I think I'll support local female owned businesses!", they rarely follow through. I couldn't imagine you get much more than an offhand comment every now and then, and even in that case it will most likely be a point of interest addendum.
~ Ellie
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■
I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!


Offline Bari Jo

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #35 on: January 18, 2018, 07:36:14 pm »
I told myself that I wasn't going to do this until further along, but I found myself emailing HR to ask about transgender services for our insurance.  I have not heard back from her yet.  I walked by her office a couple times and think she was out today.  So, sometime soon is the HR meeting.  Eef, why did I send that?

Bari Jo
« Last Edit: January 18, 2018, 11:43:28 pm by Bari Jo »
you know how far the universe extends outward? i think i go inside just as deep.

11/6/17 - came out to sister, best day of my life
9/5/17 - formal diagnosis and stopping DIY in favor if prescribed HRT
6/18/17 - decided to stop fighting the trans beast, back on DIY.
Too many ups and downs, DIY, purges of self inbetween dates.
Age 10 - suppression and denial began
Age 8 - knew I was different

Offline Megan.

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #36 on: January 19, 2018, 01:30:47 am »
I told myself that I wasn't going to do this until further along, but I found myself emailing HR to ask about transgender services for our insurance.  I have not heard back from her yet.  I walked by her office a couple times and think she was out today.  So, sometime soon is the HR meeting.  Eef, why did I send that?

Bari Jo
You'll be fine hun. I contacted HR months before taking any next steps. They should be both understanding,  supportive and of course protective of your confidentiality. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk


Offline Lena101

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #37 on: January 19, 2018, 03:22:32 pm »
Calling HR was smart, don't be nervous about it.  They are there for you & can help make life in the office & coming out at work easier.  I think it is clever to bring in treats for the office.  I am sure they all look forward to your food, and by extension seeing you come into work.  Very nice idea.

I am glad that your family is still there supporting you.  Remember to rely on them when you have those bad days.  They obviously love you, so make sure to get that love & support when you need it. 

I hope things continue to look up for you.   

Offline Bari Jo

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #38 on: January 19, 2018, 08:33:46 pm »
Our HR person has been gone the past couple days.  I havent heard anything.  I'm on pins and needles here.

I also found out from my lgbt center that Gcs and ba are covered by all insurance now in CA.  These are things I haven't really thought about, but now I am.  Hmm, what would bari jo do?

Bari Jo
you know how far the universe extends outward? i think i go inside just as deep.

11/6/17 - came out to sister, best day of my life
9/5/17 - formal diagnosis and stopping DIY in favor if prescribed HRT
6/18/17 - decided to stop fighting the trans beast, back on DIY.
Too many ups and downs, DIY, purges of self inbetween dates.
Age 10 - suppression and denial began
Age 8 - knew I was different

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Bari Jo's Corner
« Reply #39 on: January 19, 2018, 09:37:18 pm »
I agree with the others about contacting HR, it was a good decision. As part of coming out to my manager I asked him about contacting HR. He put me in contact with an HR person who is also the chairperson for our LGBT+ employee resource group. HR has been a big help. Once I told them I felt like I had another layer of protection from an discrimination I may encounter. I call myself a unicorn now - a rare and highly protected species! So far I have not had any issues, but only four people at work know. All of them have kept the information confidential. I think the person most likely to leak the news is me!

Your insurance sounds pretty good. Although mine also covers GCS, it does not cover BA, my trachea shave, or any hair removal.

I have been bringing doughnuts in on occasion. Not nearly as good as home baked treats though!
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot
12 Feb 2017 - Out to Wife
23 Mar 2017 - Started Estradiol
28 Jul  2017 - Started Spironolactone
26 Dec 2017 - Out to Daughters
05 Feb 2018 - Legal Name Change
16 Feb 2018 - Out at work / Full Time!



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