Author Topic: Jessica's Rose Garden  (Read 49121 times)

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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Jessica's Rose Garden
« Reply #960 on: December 25, 2020, 07:57:09 am »
Jessica,

I hope this continues to be a wonderful day for you and Susan.

Hugs,

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Jessica's Rose Garden
« Reply #961 on: December 28, 2020, 09:43:32 am »
Four years ago today, 28 December 2016, I discovered the source of my anger and rage. It's been an amazing journey, and I still have a lot to learn. This year has been tougher than most due to COVID-19. Adding to the pain, in February we lost my mom to cancer, in April we lost one of our furry companions, and in May our youngest daughter graduated and moved away to start her career (both happy and sad about this) -- so we have an empty nest. I have been working from home since mid-March. Other than Susan, the only person I regularly socialize with is my electrologist. The reduced socialization makes it feel as though I have regressed. Some days I wake up not realizing I'm a woman until I look under the sheets.

Pronouns. Strangers always get it right, friends are close to 100%, family gets it right most of the time -- the person who most often gets it wrong is me. For some reason when I think about myself, my thoughts include the wrong name and the wrong pronoun. It's difficult to overcome five decades of suppression. Hopefully one day my brain will catch up with reality.

I have one more significant surgery planned, although I'm considering a few minor procedures to fix little things that bother me. Unfortunately, it isn't just vanity driving my desire to look my best. In some places being read as transgender can result in being assaulted, or worse. The more boxes I check off, the safer I will be.

Almost every legal document that matters now has 'Jessica' on it. I'm not sure if we can update our daughters' birth certificates. If they would just add my name and leave my dead name, then I don't see much reason to try changing them. However, there is one important piece of paper we can fix, and I'm trying to convince Susan that we should take care of it. Fixing it will remove any potential legal issues related to our marriage. We have plenty of time to plan something simple, next June will be our 37th wedding anniversary...

Changing your perception of yourself isn't easy, neither is changing everyone's perception of who you are. The only way to be truly happy is by being true to yourself -- not by being the person others want or expect you to be. I'll close this post with some lyrics from the clean version of 'Perfect' by P!NK:

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself, you are wrong.
Change the voices in your head,
Make them like you instead.

So complicated, look how we all make it,
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game.
It's enough, I've done all I can think of,
Chased down all my demons, I'll see you do the same.

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me.


Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019
GCS II and FFS - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019
FFS II - FFS II with Dr. Ley on 13 Oct 2020
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS

Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust.

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Jessica's Rose Garden
« Reply #962 on: December 28, 2020, 09:48:56 am »
Jessica,

We love you too.

Thank you for being you.

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline RandyL

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Re: Jessica's Rose Garden
« Reply #963 on: December 28, 2020, 04:32:02 pm »
Jessica, you are like a rocket, arcing brightly into the sky and illuminating the way for others. I think I'm on the slow boat to China

We love you and are delighted that Susan and you can be happy together.

Happy New Year! Randy

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Casting about for my best path forward...

My personal blog thread: Randy the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randy's HRT Journal


Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Jessica's Rose Garden
« Reply #964 on: January 09, 2021, 02:57:53 pm »
Chrissy, I tried being someone else and that didn't work out very well. For better or worse, being myself is the only viable option left.

RandyL, I'm not sure about being a rocket. Most rockets burn out and crash into the ocean, while those that make it into space usually burn up during reentry! I do understand what you're saying though. Many of those who started around the time I did have moved on, and I think I know why. Staying here reminds me of who I pretended to be, along with the pain and anguish I caused others. I may decide to retire from Susan's one day. As long as I think my posts may be helping even just one person, I'll probably hang around.

On Monday I made the first major payment on my upcoming surgery, my final payment is due on the January 19th. Hopefully the current spike in COVID-19 cases won't cause a delay. I am skipping a holiday party for the softball team I photograph over the summer -- fifty to sixty people in an enclosed area really doesn't sound like a good idea right now. I will probably also miss out on a niece's wedding in April due to COVID. Although the wedding will be outdoors, there is still a chance of exposure. My daughter's wedding is just two weeks later. Although I love my niece, my daughter takes precedence.

I probably had my last laser session a few days ago, there is virtually no dark hair left to treat. I have also backed off on electrolysis a little. Instead of four to five hours per week, I'm down to three now. That will drop even more after next week, since I must stop facial electrolysis one month before surgery. After nearly four years of electrolysis, coarse hair is getting extremely rare now.

My journey has taken much longer than I expected, and it has also cost much more than I had planned. Was it worth it? Knowing what I know now, would I do it again? Yes to both. If I had not taken this leap I would probably be dead by now, and I may well have taken a few others with me. The person I pretended to be is gone, and my soul is finally learning how to dance in the sun.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019
GCS II and FFS - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019
FFS II - FFS II with Dr. Ley on 13 Oct 2020
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS

Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust.

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Jessica's Rose Garden
« Reply #965 on: January 13, 2021, 08:30:47 pm »
Today was a good day. I had an appointment with a new dental hygienist. She took a few x-rays, checked my gums, then did a cleaning. After she was done, she began looking for anomalies and noticed the scar from my last surgery. She said 'wow, that's a long scar. Looks like you had a jaw reduction.' I told her she was correct, then added 'that's not all.' She eventually noticed my lip implants, and commented that implants are better than fillers because they are permanent. She asked if I had any other surgeries. She seemed accepting, so I decided to show her my 'before and after' photos. She had no idea. She said if I had not told her, she would never have guessed that I had transitioned. Later she mentioned her daughter was great with eye makeup, then said her daughter could show me how to make my beautiful blue eyes really stand out! Maybe some makeup lessons are in my future...

Something else happened over the weekend, something rather important. There is a certain legal document which still has my dead name, and I really want to fix it. I asked Susan about the document a few weeks ago, and she finally answered. For the second time in her life, she has agreed to marry me. I have already contacted a wedding planner, and she loves our story. We are planning a simple, outdoor ceremony in a local park. Our current anniversary is June 2nd, which is a Wednesday, so that won't do. The following Saturday is June 5th, which would have been my parents' 66th Anniversary. Sadly, my mom is no longer with us, but my dad thinks it's a great idea. So on June 5th 2021, Susan and I will once again say 'I do'. Unlike the first time, both of us will be wearing wedding dresses.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019
GCS II and FFS - GCS II and FFS with Dr. Ley on 26 July 2019
FFS II - FFS II with Dr. Ley on 13 Oct 2020
23Mar2017 Started Estradiol / 16Feb2018 Full Time! / 21Feb2019 GCS / 26July2019 GCS II & FFS

Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust.

Offline RandyL

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Re: Jessica's Rose Garden
« Reply #966 on: January 14, 2021, 12:10:19 pm »
...So on June 5th 2021, Susan and I will once again say 'I do'. Unlike the first time, both of us will be wearing wedding dresses.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Congratulations to the two of you! Will there be a honeymoon? Don't they say "many happy returns"? I don't know what that means, but I hope your mutual love will flow in return from/to each of you.
Casting about for my best path forward...

My personal blog thread: Randy the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randy's HRT Journal