Author Topic: Transitioning ruined my life  (Read 724 times)

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Offline Allison S

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Transitioning ruined my life
« on: January 19, 2018, 01:55:06 am »
I know the title is misleading but that's how it feels sometimes. Not that I regret it, because I defintely don't. It's mostly since starting hrt, wanting to go full time, but having to wait (for multilpe reasons).

I had issues before starting transitioning and I will long after. That's life and I accept it. But I just wish things were different and what we're going through was better understood by others..

That's all. Sorry if it's click-baity or offends anyone. I just know I can't be the only one that feels this way.

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Offline Cindy

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2018, 02:17:24 am »
Hon,
Yours is an important post. Transitioning isn't easy there are lots of issues and often you see people on the Forum who are happy being themselves and post stuff about stuff and forget to mention that getting there was hard.

I cried a lot. I cursed a lot and was confused a lot. Sometimes it was just too much and I wondered if I was doing the right thing. The other day I was looking at pictures of me 7 years ago, my face burned from laser, my pierced ears looked very conspicuous.
The eyes caught me though, they had a bit of a sparkle.
I saw another picture from a few years before that and checked the eyes again, then they were so dead. Grey gravestones for pupils.

Now? I'm happy. I smile and laugh and my eyes? They don't sparkle, they shine.

Hang in there, keep going and post away about your problems. Talking about it does make it a bit more tolerable.

Hugs



Offline Christy Lee

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2018, 02:38:46 am »
Hang in there :)
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Offline natalie.ashlyne

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2018, 02:49:44 am »
Hi Allison, I do hope everything gets better for you I understand what you are saying, things should get better things take some time unfortunately. I was always told Rome was not built in a day. Just stay strong.

Offline V M

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2018, 02:55:41 am »
I go through mixed emotions over transitioning and debate in my mind about it, sometimes I feel like purging all my feminine wares and giving up

But I know that giving up wouldn't change anything, I'd still feel the same and be a transwoman and soon I'd be back at it and collecting up new clothes and makeup and such

So yeah, just hang in there and find ways to improve upon whatever aspect of your life is bringing you down

Hugs
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Offline Allison S

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2018, 03:35:20 am »


Hon,
Yours is an important post. Transitioning isn't easy there are lots of issues and often you see people on the Forum who are happy being themselves and post stuff about stuff and forget to mention that getting there was hard.

I cried a lot. I cursed a lot and was confused a lot. Sometimes it was just too much and I wondered if I was doing the right thing. The other day I was looking at pictures of me 7 years ago, my face burned from laser, my pierced ears looked very conspicuous.
The eyes caught me though, they had a bit of a sparkle.
I saw another picture from a few years before that and checked the eyes again, then they were so dead. Grey gravestones for pupils.

Now? I'm happy. I smile and laugh and my eyes? They don't sparkle, they shine.

Hang in there, keep going and post away about your problems. Talking about it does make it a bit more tolerable.

Hugs

You know, it's not that I don't see myself being comfortable and happy as a woman. That's the scary part that it's all I see in my future. Everything now and in my past will be memories of someone that will no longer exist. Pictures really do say a lot.

Hang in there :)

I will :)

Hi Allison, I do hope everything gets better for you I understand what you are saying, things should get better things take some time unfortunately. I was always told Rome was not built in a day. Just stay strong.

Thanks! I will and Rome sounds like a beautiful place

I go through mixed emotions over transitioning and debate in my mind about it, sometimes I feel like purging all my feminine wares and giving up

But I know that giving up wouldn't change anything, I'd still feel the same and be a transwoman and soon I'd be back at it and collecting up new clothes and makeup and such

So yeah, just hang in there and find ways to improve upon whatever aspect of your life is bringing you down

Hugs

I feel the same way. Sometimes I think I'm making my life so much harder. Besides a few friends, no one knows.

I'm so lucky to have an income from my job. To afford to go find and live somewhere at least to have a roof over my head. I can afford food. Why do I feel I need to complain? Is this the estrogen?

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Offline Christy Lee

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2018, 03:55:58 am »
I havent started transitioning but I often wish that i didnt have these feelings and that i could just be a normal guy (or girl preferably)
Whose that girll?
ITS CHRISTY

Offline Allison S

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #7 on: January 19, 2018, 04:11:53 am »
I havent started transitioning but I often wish that i didnt have these feelings and that i could just be a normal guy (or girl preferably)
I know what you mean. But I can't imagine my life as a guy either. It will be a good feeling when you can start. If you're thinking about hrt just know it takes a while. Sadly I'm not at a place yet where I can say it gets better. Sometimes I want to give up..

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Offline V M

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2018, 04:19:35 am »

I feel the same way. Sometimes I think I'm making my life so much harder. Besides a few friends, no one knows.

I'm so lucky to have an income from my job. To afford to go find and live somewhere at least to have a roof over my head. I can afford food. Why do I feel I need to complain? Is this the estrogen?

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I think complaining is part of the human condition, I've seen people who have it all and think I wish my life could be so peachy but even people who have everything and seem to have not much of anything to worry on seem to find something to gripe about

Sometimes I'm amazed
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS

 
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Offline Christy Lee

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #9 on: January 19, 2018, 04:38:36 am »
I know what you mean. But I can't imagine my life as a guy either. It will be a good feeling when you can start. If you're thinking about hrt just know it takes a while. Sadly I'm not at a place yet where I can say it gets better. Sometimes I want to give up..

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I have been pondering it lately, but as a mostly androgynous male (presents typically more masculine most of my life) i still need to try and come out to my mother but i know that my life as a guy SUCKS, and she knows im not happy with my life, she knows im afraid, she knows im not really living life she just doesnt know why 

But yeah HRT is something ive been considering

I wish that the universe didnt misgender me

Dont give up :)
Whose that girll?
ITS CHRISTY

Offline Kylo

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2018, 05:10:01 am »
I only chose to transition when it was clear my life was already ruined by being transsexual.

It's hard to accept that I was sabotaged from day one by something other than myself, but there it is.

Offline Cindy

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #11 on: January 19, 2018, 05:32:23 am »

I know this might be a hard post.

I face health challenges that most of you do not at the moment.
Just have a quiet think for a moment.

Imagine that you are told that you have a terminal disease. You are going to die and it doesn't matter what you do.

Would you choose to die as the gender that you identify as or the gender that was assigned to you.

Then I will ask you to do something very special.

Live that way.

Offline Megan.

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2018, 05:40:13 am »
Allison,

I've struggled alot in the past with the loss of the life I had and the person I was. Looking back at some old pictures can be hard, and there is, and always will be sadness for that loss.
Is that person gone? No. Pieces of them live on, and I honour their memory by positively accepting the life they lead and the lives they touched.
I choose to look forward,  not only because that is something I have the power to change, but also because living a positive happy life is a debt I owe to the person I was who gave up theirs.
Stay strong (hugs). X

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Offline Allison S

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #13 on: January 19, 2018, 08:24:52 am »


I have been pondering it lately, but as a mostly androgynous male (presents typically more masculine most of my life) i still need to try and come out to my mother but i know that my life as a guy SUCKS, and she knows im not happy with my life, she knows im afraid, she knows im not really living life she just doesnt know why 

But yeah HRT is something ive been considering

I wish that the universe didnt misgender me

Dont give up :)

Sounds like your mother knows half the problem already. As long as she's supportive she will try and eventually understand. I still haven't told my mom either!

I only chose to transition when it was clear my life was already ruined by being transsexual.

It's hard to accept that I was sabotaged from day one by something other than myself, but there it is.

Exactly! It's not understood that transitioning is something we struggle with deeply. People empathize yes, I know I did when I convinced myself I must be cisgender because I was born in the wrong culture and time. Now I know better.

I know this might be a hard post.

I face health challenges that most of you do not at the moment.
Just have a quiet think for a moment.

Imagine that you are told that you have a terminal disease. You are going to die and it doesn't matter what you do.

Would you choose to die as the gender that you identify as or the gender that was assigned to you.

Then I will ask you to do something very special.

Live that way.

Thank you Cindy. It's very clear when put in that perspective..

Allison,

I've struggled alot in the past with the loss of the life I had and the person I was. Looking back at some old pictures can be hard, and there is, and always will be sadness for that loss.
Is that person gone? No. Pieces of them live on, and I honour their memory by positively accepting the life they lead and the lives they touched.
I choose to look forward,  not only because that is something I have the power to change, but also because living a positive happy life is a debt I owe to the person I was who gave up theirs.
Stay strong (hugs). X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

I really like that. You deserve to live a positive and happy life. We all do and though transitioning is challenging it's for a reason. I like myself so much more now but the pain from neglecting my identity still feels fresh.. I don't think I loved myself or who I was and that's sad

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Online HappyMoni

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2018, 09:50:10 am »
I know the title is misleading but that's how it feels sometimes. Not that I regret it, because I defintely don't. It's mostly since starting hrt, wanting to go full time, but having to wait (for multilpe reasons).

I had issues before starting transitioning and I will long after. That's life and I accept it. But I just wish things were different and what we're going through was better understood by others..

That's all. Sorry if it's click-baity or offends anyone. I just know I can't be the only one that feels this way.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Allison,
   This is not a note of bragging how my transition was or how great it is for me on the other side. My intention is to give a little long term perspective. Keep in mind, I don't know the specific of what you face. It wasn't that long ago that I was starting my transition. I remember the terror of possibly losing everyone I told. You make the decision to transition and the first few steps feel like you are going off the high dive into a cup of water. On top of that, we are constantly driven my dysphoria telling us we must go forward as quick as we can. I have felt like I was going 100 MPH  and at a standstill on the verge of stepping back all at the same time. It's maddening! The fear of what must be done  going forward can be paralyzing. I got through it only by taking one piece in my mind at one time. One part I could handle and I had to discipline myself to only deal with that. I came to realize that I had to stiffen my upper lip to get through some things. When I first went out, I dipped my toe in by dressing androgynously. For my binary personality that was hard as hell. I knew there was no way to skip things that weren't comfortable, so keep eyes on the prize and take one step after another. I remember the day I stopped that period. In my head it was the first day I carried a purse. I said to myself, "You are now presenting female, you better own it, no denial. Don't blow it." I did it, wore a skirt out, the whole time convinced that I was like a black hole bending time and space as I proceeded as surely everyone was staring at me. Finally, I wore sunglasses one day and watched everyone stare since they couldn't see my eyes. Surprise, no one  was doing anything but minding their own business. Even at this point I was realizing that so many earlier fears were not becoming reality. I started to believe I could do it. Well then someone would 'Sir' me and I would be crushed. Roller coasters do go up and down. I was incredibly nervous telling work. What if I got up in front of 90 people and they laughed at me or hated me. That job is a big part of my life. I was very lucky that it went so well. But if it hadn't, at that point I would have to seek out the supporters I could find and cope with the ignorant. I knew I had to go forward. The advantage I had transitioning in my late 50's was that I had tried everything as a male over the years and knew it never really worked. Still emotionally it is hard hard hard to transition. My hopeful message to you is that so many fears don't   really happen, that things get better as you go forward. One day you wake up and say, "I am more confident, less afraid, and, pinch me, this is pretty darn awesome. Things are starting to feel right, I am finally starting to feel like a whole female person living in the real world." I know you are having a hard time, Allison. I am so sorry you are struggling so. I think if you can stay positive, it will work out for you. You are so smart to let out your frustrations here and not keep it all bottled up inside. Hugs Girl!
Moni
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Online KathyLauren

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #15 on: January 19, 2018, 06:53:11 pm »
I remember well that in-between time after I started HRT and before I was full-time.  It wasn't as bad as the prior 62 years of denial, but it was really hard.  Having to put on my boy clothes every time I left the house was so dysphoric.  If I hadn't gone full-time when I did, I would have gone crazy.  If someone had told me then that I couldn't transition any further for a long time or ever, I don't know what I might have done.

So if you have stuff going on that is keeping you from proceeding, I understand how horrible that must be.

If it is fear that is holding you back, talk it out here.  Every one of us has felt the fear, but each of us has to find our own path through it.  We can help each other search for that path.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

Offline Roll

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2018, 07:51:23 pm »
I know this might be a hard post.

I face health challenges that most of you do not at the moment.
Just have a quiet think for a moment.

Imagine that you are told that you have a terminal disease. You are going to die and it doesn't matter what you do.

Would you choose to die as the gender that you identify as or the gender that was assigned to you.

Then I will ask you to do something very special.

Live that way.

I was told a story about someone my dad knew in the early 90s. It goes like this... (my dad tends to be a bit of a story teller, so I'm sure he built up the dialogue some in his mind, but this is what he said)

One day, a guy my dad had known as a patient for a while, comes to him and says "Dr., there's a woman inside of me and she has to come out." My Dad described them as sort of gangly, with a large Adam's Apple, and very tall. (Sort of an Ichabod Crane in the Disney Sleepy Hollow look.) Being the early 90s, this was far from commonplace, particularly in southeast GA. So over the years, she transitioned. Occasionally my dad would see her, and at one point he realized that she was not just a woman, she was a gorgeous woman. Over the course of those years, she suffered personally and professionally as many here have but persevered. Shortly after "completing" transition (in so far as having virtually every procedure done is complete), she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Around two years later, my dad was doing rounds at the hospital and saw her name, and decided to go visit her. Apparently, the cancer (I wan't to say it was lung) was advanced enough she wasn't expected to last another week. They spoke for a while, and my dad  asked, "You just spent the last healthy 5 years of your life going through all of that, only able to spend two years being able to live fully as a woman. Was it worth it?" Her reply: "When I came to see you years ago, all I wanted to do was die. Now, I'm dying, but I want to live. The past two years have been the happiest of my life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything."
- Ellie

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2/7/18 - Began laser on face!
2/9/18 - Two more down! 99% out to family and friends!

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Offline AnnMarie2017

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #17 on: January 19, 2018, 07:54:55 pm »
The other day I was looking at pictures of me 7 years ago, my face burned from laser, my pierced ears looked very conspicuous.
The eyes caught me though, they had a bit of a sparkle.
I saw another picture from a few years before that and checked the eyes again, then they were so dead. Grey gravestones for pupils.

Now? I'm happy. I smile and laugh and my eyes? They don't sparkle, they shine.

This is so true. That sparkle is wonderful to see, after so many years of despair.

Life is often difficult, no matter where you fall on the gender spectrum. We have issues peculiar to our situation; others have issues peculiar to theirs. The trick is to not give up hope. Things can get better; but sometimes it isn't the circumstances that need to change, but our understanding of them. Sometimes things we think are so important really don't matter, and sometimes things we take for granted actually have huge significance. Life is a learning experience. We're all more-or-less stumbling through life, making mistakes and, hopefully, learning from them. That's why community is a good thing; we help and support each other through the difficulties.

Offline tgirlamc

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #18 on: January 19, 2018, 08:20:40 pm »
Hey Little Sister!

Hanging in there and working out all these feelings is part of the journey... The process of doing this is building strengths in you that will carry you far in your life...  We are those who shape our lives into what we need them to be instead of accepting the cards we are dealt and the game that is dictated that we play...

It can be a hard road but,  one with that holds rewards that most people will never know... All will be well Allison!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley ❤️
Have you seen the little pieces of the people we have been?... Little pieces blowing gently on the wind...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

Fear not sisters and brothers 😀

Offline Allison S

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Re: Transitioning ruined my life
« Reply #19 on: January 19, 2018, 09:21:57 pm »


Allison,
   This is not a note of bragging how my transition was or how great it is for me on the other side. My intention is to give a little long term perspective. Keep in mind, I don't know the specific of what you face. It wasn't that long ago that I was starting my transition. I remember the terror of possibly losing everyone I told. You make the decision to transition and the first few steps feel like you are going off the high dive into a cup of water. On top of that, we are constantly driven my dysphoria telling us we must go forward as quick as we can. I have felt like I was going 100 MPH  and at a standstill on the verge of stepping back all at the same time. It's maddening! The fear of what must be done  going forward can be paralyzing. I got through it only by taking one piece in my mind at one time. One part I could handle and I had to discipline myself to only deal with that. I came to realize that I had to stiffen my upper lip to get through some things. When I first went out, I dipped my toe in by dressing androgynously. For my binary personality that was hard as hell. I knew there was no way to skip things that weren't comfortable, so keep eyes on the prize and take one step after another. I remember the day I stopped that period. In my head it was the first day I carried a purse. I said to myself, "You are now presenting female, you better own it, no denial. Don't blow it." I did it, wore a skirt out, the whole time convinced that I was like a black hole bending time and space as I proceeded as surely everyone was staring at me. Finally, I wore sunglasses one day and watched everyone stare since they couldn't see my eyes. Surprise, no one  was doing anything but minding their own business. Even at this point I was realizing that so many earlier fears were not becoming reality. I started to believe I could do it. Well then someone would 'Sir' me and I would be crushed. Roller coasters do go up and down. I was incredibly nervous telling work. What if I got up in front of 90 people and they laughed at me or hated me. That job is a big part of my life. I was very lucky that it went so well. But if it hadn't, at that point I would have to seek out the supporters I could find and cope with the ignorant. I knew I had to go forward. The advantage I had transitioning in my late 50's was that I had tried everything as a male over the years and knew it never really worked. Still emotionally it is hard hard hard to transition. My hopeful message to you is that so many fears don't   really happen, that things get better as you go forward. One day you wake up and say, "I am more confident, less afraid, and, pinch me, this is pretty darn awesome. Things are starting to feel right, I am finally starting to feel like a whole female person living in the real world." I know you are having a hard time, Allison. I am so sorry you are struggling so. I think if you can stay positive, it will work out for you. You are so smart to let out your frustrations here and not keep it all bottled up inside. Hugs Girl!
Moni

I have to. I'm constantly sad and I know why. You're right, the speed it takes to transition isn't for us to decide. Instead we sit with it. Sometimes I doubt if hrt is working and I'm only 4 months in. I feel angry at the world or whatever made me suffer this way. I know it won't fix things but I want, no I need help.

I'm so happy to say I'm on leave from work. A therapist and my doctor decided it would be a good idea for me to take time for myself. I completely agree because being at work is distressing to me. They know me as a guy there and I just don't feel ready to come out.

The next few weeks I want to build my life again. But I just can't do it alone anymore..

I remember well that in-between time after I started HRT and before I was full-time.  It wasn't as bad as the prior 62 years of denial, but it was really hard.  Having to put on my boy clothes every time I left the house was so dysphoric.  If I hadn't gone full-time when I did, I would have gone crazy.  If someone had told me then that I couldn't transition any further for a long time or ever, I don't know what I might have done.

So if you have stuff going on that is keeping you from proceeding, I understand how horrible that must be.

If it is fear that is holding you back, talk it out here.  Every one of us has felt the fear, but each of us has to find our own path through it.  We can help each other search for that path.

I'm not comfortable with my face or body yet. I feel like I am going crazy waiting. Yet I don't see the point in rushing.

I think between the cold weather and my living situation I'm depressed. I'm looking for a place to move to and hopefully that will reduce my stress a lot.

I do like women's clothing but I hate wearing them to make myself appear as one. I feel like I should just be. Same with makeup. My clothes are somewhat andro right now, but I get sir'ed all the time.

People viewing me as male makes me the most dysphoric. I don't want to go out anymore. Not unless I'm doing something to better myself.

I was told a story about someone my dad knew in the early 90s. It goes like this... (my dad tends to be a bit of a story teller, so I'm sure he built up the dialogue some in his mind, but this is what he said)

One day, a guy my dad had known as a patient for a while, comes to him and says "Dr., there's a woman inside of me and she has to come out." My Dad described them as sort of gangly, with a large Adam's Apple, and very tall. (Sort of an Ichabod Crane in the Disney Sleepy Hollow look.) Being the early 90s, this was far from commonplace, particularly in southeast GA. So over the years, she transitioned. Occasionally my dad would see her, and at one point he realized that she was not just a woman, she was a gorgeous woman. Over the course of those years, she suffered personally and professionally as many here have but persevered. Shortly after "completing" transition (in so far as having virtually every procedure done is complete), she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Around two years later, my dad was doing rounds at the hospital and saw her name, and decided to go visit her. Apparently, the cancer (I wan't to say it was lung) was advanced enough she wasn't expected to last another week. They spoke for a while, and my dad  asked, "You just spent the last healthy 5 years of your life going through all of that, only able to spend two years being able to live fully as a woman. Was it worth it?" Her reply: "When I came to see you years ago, all I wanted to do was die. Now, I'm dying, but I want to live. The past two years have been the happiest of my life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything."

She's right. It's a very sad ending but I'm happy that she did live those 2 years. I only know the beginning of what it takes to get there and it's not easy. We're so fortunate to have such a brave woman pave the way for us.

This is so true. That sparkle is wonderful to see, after so many years of despair.

Life is often difficult, no matter where you fall on the gender spectrum. We have issues peculiar to our situation; others have issues peculiar to theirs. The trick is to not give up hope. Things can get better; but sometimes it isn't the circumstances that need to change, but our understanding of them. Sometimes things we think are so important really don't matter, and sometimes things we take for granted actually have huge significance. Life is a learning experience. We're all more-or-less stumbling through life, making mistakes and, hopefully, learning from them. That's why community is a good thing; we help and support each other through the difficulties.

I agree it's tricky this life thing. I don't know what made me happy before but since I've gotten a glimpse of it, now it's all I think about. Like I said above and you say, we need support and understanding from others. A healthy community is always a good thing but I also want to feel safe in the general population.

Hey Little Sister!

Hanging in there and working out all these feelings is part of the journey... The process of doing this is building strengths in you that will carry you far in your life...  We are those who shape our lives into what we need them to be instead of accepting the cards we are dealt and the game that is dictated that we play...

It can be a hard road but,  one with that holds rewards that most people will never know... All will be well Allison!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley

it's going to be a fight. I have my friends, therapist, doctor, and all of you here. I just need my family and nothing will stop me. I'm thinking about ways to come out to them. Maybe a letter soon.

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