Author Topic: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?  (Read 1307 times)

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Offline Light_of_Elune

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I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« on: February 04, 2018, 01:30:04 pm »
Hi y'all, I'm new here. My name is Zachariah, I'm 23, and I just recently realized that I might be trans (MtF, still consider myself Male for now). I've been thinking a lot about it for a couple weeks now, but I have a tendency to overthink things, and need some outside perspectives to help me sort it all out. I don't want to come out to anyone I know until I know for sure I'm trans (my family is pretty conservative and religious, so even a false alarm would irreparably alter relationships). From what I've read on the subject already, I hear that the act of just thinking about things this much is usually a sign that it's true, but I want to be sure. Here goes.

First, a little bit of background on me for context. My father is fundamentalist Christian and hardcore conservative (so is my stepdad), but my mother is pretty open minded and willing to change her views and opinions if provided sufficient evidence to the contrary. I don't remember most of my early childhood (10ish and younger), but I was pretty sheltered and antisocial through my teenage years (probably why I never noticed gender dysphoria). The years when I first noticed myself maturing emotionally were dominated by World of Warcraft (8 hours a day, almost every day), which is where I learned most of my initial social skills (and cemented my status as an eternal nerd). I should rewind for a second, though; my parents divorced when I was young (I don't remember it being particularly hard on me or anything, but it's a thing that happened), and I was mostly raised by my mother, while visiting my father on weekends. I'm honestly grateful that it was my mother who raised me, because with my tendency toward extremes, I would be a Nazi right now if she hadn't. But I'm getting all over the place now. I stopped playing World of Warcraft when I started college (online Game Design Bachelor's program), but I ended up switching majors halfway through (Creative Writing for Entertainment, mix of on-campus and online), and even after graduating I still don't know what I want to do for a living (I took Creative Writing because it was easy and I wanted to at least leave with a degree in something). The on-campus part of college lasted for 9 months in Orlando (awesome place to live if you have the money, I'd still be there if I could afford it), and since then I've been living with my mom and stepdad in rural Pennsylvania (yuck).

The last few years have been a lot of change for me, as I've been growing emotionally, rationally, and ideologically as I figure out who I am. Because of this I consider myself to have been a child (at least, of sorts) until I moved to Orlando when I was 20. The first big identity change was in late 2015 when I converted to Roman Catholicism. The second, probably more significant, was in spring 2016 when I discovered Bernie Sanders. Prior to that I was Republican Conservative by default, since that's what my dad was. Anyway, I started looking into his platform and it suddenly hit me: "Wait a minute, I agree with all these things. Holy shit, I'm actually a liberal!". I backed Bernie pretty hard in the primaries (went to rallies, donated to the campaign every week, etc.), but the whole time I was slowly becoming more and more disillusioned with capitalism and the Democratic party, to the point that when Bernie lost the nomination to Hillary, I just gave up on it and started looking for alternatives. I found just that in the Green party and their eco-socialist message, which quickly led me to straight up socialism and eventually Communism (yeah, I'm a Communist, please don't hate me). After studying Communism a bit I started to realize that most of my pre-conceived beliefs about things like economics, religion, and the LGBT community were complete bullshit, so I started questioning all of it and looking into their communities to learn more (mostly just lurking in facebook groups). This led me to realize I was bisexual (oh, yeah, I'm also bi), and once I was able to admit that to myself, it opened the floodgates. Suddenly anything goes, right? Anyway, a few weeks ago I found the page "Assigned Male Comics" on facebook, which also led me to "Life of Bria Comics" (go read them, they're awesome), both of which led me to question whether I'm cisgendered at all. And that's where I'm at now. I've been rambling for a while, so we should probably get to the meat of this now, yeah?

I guess I should start with the things I think might be gender dysphoria. One of the big ones would be depression. My brother, sister, and I, as well as my dad all have depression. I didn't realize that I did until, like, a week ago, since everyone else's is caused by trauma of some sort and is the "existence is pain" kind of depression. Mine is more of just general apathy (and sometimes emotional disconnection, like I have only a minor emotional reaction to things that should be much more impactful), and also has no immediately obvious cause (I haven't suffered any major trauma that I'm aware of). This leads me to think that it might be due to gender dysphoria, as my family would never have considered that option.

A more minor bit of evidence is that I often have a hard time relating to other men, while I've noticed that I think more like a woman than a man. Well, specifically, I think more like my mom than my dad. My dad and I can see the same thing and come to completely different conclusions about it, while my mom and I can often finish each other's sentences. A case could be made that this is just because I spent more time with my mom growing up, but I figured it might be something to consider.

The next one is probably my most compelling bit of evidence, but it has to do with my sexuality. I'll try to keep out anything graphic, but it might get a little weird, so head's up.

For just about as long as I can remember, I have found the idea of men turning into women arousing. Like, it's really hot. It's easily my biggest fetish. Being raised in a very religious household, I thought it made me a pervert. Sometimes the thought of me turning into a woman crossed my mind, but I always rationalized it away, thinking I was masturbating too much and that I just let my kink get to my head. In light of the things I've learned about trans people, however, I'm starting to wonder if it was the other way around. Maybe my mind is actually female, but since I didn't know how any of that worked, it manifested as a sexual kink because my freshly pubescent sub-conscious didn't know what else to do with those feelings. Having come to that conclusion, I recently tried masturbating while picturing myself as the woman and - WOW - let's just leave it there. At any rate, the more I think about it, the more this theory makes sense to me.

And now that the weirdness is out of the way, the most conclusive piece of evidence:

Part of me really, really, wants this to all be true. I've heard that's all you really need, but another part of me is terrified of what might happen and that I might be wrong. It's like half of my brain is like "Hell yeah, let's do this!" while the other half is like "Are you fucking insane!?" while the rest of my body is like "This isn't helping!".

Anyway, I think I might have answered my own questions, but I guess I just really need to hear it from someone who isn't me: based on what I've said, am I actually a transgender woman, or am I overthinking things and attributing random symptoms to a nonexistent problem?

TL;DR
I think I might be trans, but it's a scary thought. How do you know for sure if you are trans?


Thanks for all your time people, and sorry for rambling, I just needed to get this off my chest.

P.S. Please no comments about me being Communist, or how terrible Communism supposedly is. I highly doubt anything you say would change my mind about it, and it's not really relevant to my main question anyway. I only mentioned it because it's part of the catalyst for me realizing I might be trans.

Offline Jessica

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2018, 01:47:22 pm »
Hi Zachariah 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan’s, I’m Jessica! I think it would be good for you to find a gender therapist to help you find the next step for you.  Your story is compelling evidence that needs resolve.  Susan’s can be a great source of information, l’m glad you found us!
 As far as any political view.  It isn’t a topic we usually bring up.
I see your new here, so I’ll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself. 


Things that you should read

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Offline Danielle79

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2018, 11:45:54 pm »
I think you've made a good case for exploring whether or not you are trans.

As Jessica said above, you should look for a trans-affirming therapist. That isn't easy, but it's really important that you find someone who has the training and experience to work with trans clients. An ignorant therapist can do a lot of damage.

I would suggest that you look at therapy less as a way to figure out if you are trans, and more as a chance to sort out who you are. It sounds like you are going through a lot of changes right now and really unpacking your psyche. That's wonderful, but I imagine that it is also confusing, and a little scary. You also have, by your own description, a history of depression and delayed social development. It would be helpful to have a professional available to talk through your issues and your feelings about them.

As for your circumstances, is there any way you could move to Philadelphia or Pittsburgh? You are much more likely to find the support and expertise you need in a large city than in rural Pennsylvania. On top of that, if you do reach a point where you need to start transitioning, you don't want to be in a position where your parents could use your financial and housing circumstances as a way to stop you. It's quite possible that they will react well to your decision, but you want to be insulated from them if they do not.

You've got a long road ahead of you, but it will be worth it. Good luck!

P.S. "Assigned Male" is fantastic.

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Offline VickyS

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2018, 06:28:32 am »
Hi Zachariah,

I thought I had to reply to you as part of your story is identical to mine.  I too became a 'free thinker' and started to explore different ideas.  Like you, I was raised Roman Catholic but soon abandoned the idea when none of it made much sense.  I also went through different political ideologies and started at conservative went through national socialism, anti-capitalism, democratic socialism,  communism and then back to democratic socialism.  Why I'm telling you this is that once you start to 'free think', you kind of free-wheel and explore ideas that were otherwise 'out of bounds'.  I identified as bisexual for many years but now I'm not attracted to women sexually, so who knows!! 

I think what you said before is correct in that most cis people never ask the question 'am I trans' as it never comes up on their radar.

I would echo the comments made previously and see a gender therapist or a therapist who has knowledge of gender issues.  But if imagining yourself as the opposite gender 'feels right' then it probably is.  Also, don't worry too much about sexualizing things as that's just the testosterone talking!! 
Came out to self: mid Oct 17                   Last haircut: 3rd Nov 17       
Came out to wife: 17th Jan 18                 Therapy started: 1st Mar 18
Electrolysis started: 10th Apr 18              Referred to GIC: 16th May 18

Offline Light_of_Elune

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2018, 09:03:23 am »
Thanks guys (is saying "guys" like this misgendering? Is there an alternative if it is?). I had already figured that seeing a therapist would be the best next step, but I wanted some outside validation first, since doing so would require coming out to my mom. It's a little embarrassing, but my mom still schedules all my doctor's appointments, and I usually tell her where I'm going whenever I leave the house, so if I go to see a therapist without telling her, she'll be mad suspicious and probably figure out what's going on anyway. I guess that's kind of inevitable, though. On that note, does anyone have any good resources for educating a parent who's understanding of trans people is still "dudes in dresses"?

As for moving, I would love to move to a more urban area (I loved living in Orlando), especially if it's outside of the US (I've wanted to leave the country for a while now), but I just can't afford it right now. My current job is seasonal, so I'm pretty much unemployed until April. My plan (assuming I'm right about being trans and all that) is to work for this year to save up as much money as I can, then try to move next winter (preferably somewhere in Canada; I foresee a need for sensible healthcare in my future) and transition after I move. Transitioning here would be miserable, as most of my family and the people in the area would probably think I'm some sort of freak (I'm pretty sure my mom, brother, and sister would understand though, so there's that).

I think I might copy my original post over to the Introduction board at some point. I didn't notice it when I was first browsing through the boards, and it looks like it might have been a better place to post it (I don't use forums like this much).

Offline Lindy

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2018, 09:23:41 am »
Hello Zachariah,

I agree with others that you should see a gender therapist. You have a lot to unpack here, but your gender questioning seems to contain enough nuggets that could point you in the direction that your heart/intuition seems to desire. You seem intelligent and practical though I'd avoid trying to understand this intellectually. It's not always about ideas and concepts and facts; it's about emotional responses coming within. There lies the truth.

Our stories are very similar. And I will be starting hormone replacement after months of therapy. You have lots of time...
I don't know where in thread I'm jumping in, but I started by telling others I have "gender issues" that I needed to sort out with a therapist. I intentionally left it vague. No one questioned it.

Best of luck
Lindy

One more suggestion! Get yourself a copy of "Trans Bodies, Trans Selves." It's a hefty resource guide that contains everything you'd want to know about gender issues :)
Came out to myself September 15, 2017
Started gender therapy September 28, 2017
Came out to two female friends and sister December 2017
Came out to daughter January 2018
First appointment with endocrinologist March 21, 2018
Started HRT March 23, 2018
Started laser treatment June 28, 2018

Offline Light_of_Elune

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2018, 01:09:01 pm »
Hello Zachariah,

I agree with others that you should see a gender therapist. You have a lot to unpack here, but your gender questioning seems to contain enough nuggets that could point you in the direction that your heart/intuition seems to desire. You seem intelligent and practical though I'd avoid trying to understand this intellectually. It's not always about ideas and concepts and facts; it's about emotional responses coming within. There lies the truth.

Our stories are very similar. And I will be starting hormone replacement after months of therapy. You have lots of time...
I don't know where in thread I'm jumping in, but I started by telling others I have "gender issues" that I needed to sort out with a therapist. I intentionally left it vague. No one questioned it.

Best of luck
Lindy

One more suggestion! Get yourself a copy of "Trans Bodies, Trans Selves." It's a hefty resource guide that contains everything you'd want to know about gender issues :)

Yeah, I kinda hit a dead end on the intellectual side of things, and I've never really done this level of emotional soul-searching before, so a therapist is definitely in order.

As for the book, thanks for the suggestion, I'll look it up the next time I have spending money.

Offline Danielle79

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2018, 02:52:23 pm »
I certainly think your suspicions about being trans are valid. They sound familiar to me as well.

Some cis people seem to think that you have to be insisting that you are a girl at three years old in order to be trans. That sometimes happens, but I think it's far more common to see a story like yours (or mine), where you have this vague sense of not being "one of the guys," and a nagging sense that you would have fit better had you been born outwardly female. It can take a while for those feelings to become crystal clear.

Two books I would recommend are "My Child is Transgender" by Matt Kailey and "Transitions of the Heart" edited by Rachel Pepper.

The first gets straight to the point and gives parents of ten tips fir how to deal with finding out that their adult child is transgender. It's a very quick read and doesn't dance around the issue.

The second is a volume of essays written by mothers of transgender children and adults. Some are accepting, and some are still working on it. I think it would help your mother if she sees her feelings being validated in these essays.

As for quality trans-related care, you need only move one state over to New York. (It's actually quite hard to emigrate to Canada legally.) New York requires all healthcare plans to cover medically necessary care for transgender patients, including hormones and bottom surgery. New York also has statewide protections against discrimination on the basis of gender identity or expression.

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Offline V M

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2018, 03:30:32 pm »
Hi Zachariah  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M
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Offline Light_of_Elune

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2018, 09:58:27 am »
I certainly think your suspicions about being trans are valid. They sound familiar to me as well.

Some cis people seem to think that you have to be insisting that you are a girl at three years old in order to be trans. That sometimes happens, but I think it's far more common to see a story like yours (or mine), where you have this vague sense of not being "one of the guys," and a nagging sense that you would have fit better had you been born outwardly female. It can take a while for those feelings to become crystal clear.

Two books I would recommend are "My Child is Transgender" by Matt Kailey and "Transitions of the Heart" edited by Rachel Pepper.

The first gets straight to the point and gives parents of ten tips fir how to deal with finding out that their adult child is transgender. It's a very quick read and doesn't dance around the issue.

The second is a volume of essays written by mothers of transgender children and adults. Some are accepting, and some are still working on it. I think it would help your mother if she sees her feelings being validated in these essays.

As for quality trans-related care, you need only move one state over to New York. (It's actually quite hard to emigrate to Canada legally.) New York requires all healthcare plans to cover medically necessary care for transgender patients, including hormones and bottom surgery. New York also has statewide protections against discrimination on the basis of gender identity or expression.

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I'll definitely check out those books, they sound like they'll help.

I hadn't actually looked into any emigration stuff yet (this is still technically a hypothetical plan right now), so if that's not viable short-term it's nice to know there are options close to home.

Offline JulieAllana

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #10 on: February 06, 2018, 09:20:15 pm »
Hi Light of Elune,
    Much of what you said rings true for me as well.  There was lots of confusion and rationalizing things away when I was younger.  Also, there wasn't as much societal awareness of what transgender even was, so I had nothing to compare my feelings to.  It wasn't until a month ago at the age of 41 that I finally KNEW I was transgendered and started on the journey I am now on.  It is the journey of self exploration where I am exploring all of the thoughts and feelings that I had denied myself for my entire life.  I also have doubts about whether or not I am trans (I think it might be pretty common actually) because the stakes (as you are so keenly aware) are so high. 

     What I have been doing is taking baby steps to affirm my trans feelings.  The first thing I did was to find a therapist who specializes in this to get the ball rolling, but I also started doing some things on my own.  I started by painting my toenails under my socks at work to see how I felt about it.  I love it and I never want to stop.  After that, I started wearing women's underwear...same feeling.  Each day I open myself to femininity a bit more to see how it feels.  At some point I will get on hormones as they cause some emotional changes before phsyical changes start.  I hear many say that these emotional changes either feel right or they don't which is another sign of if you are trans or not.  The key thing here is you take it as far as you are comfortable with it and at any time you can stop.

     I have found that there are MANY young transwomen who have video logs on youtube.  I have watched hours and hours of them and they have also helped me affirm my feelings.  Another youtube resource that I found helpful was the "transition channel" which has some really good videos about figuring out if you are trans. 

             -Julie
1/4/18 - Admission to self of trans - Start of transition
2/10/18 - First time out in public
2/12/18 - Ears Pierced
2/16/18 - Started Laser Hair removal on face
7/4/18 - Down 101 pounds since 1/4/18.  Maybe start HRT at 210-15
9/22/18 - Weighed in @207 (down 113 lbs) this morning, waiting on sperm freezing before starting HRT next week.

Offline Janes Groove

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #11 on: February 06, 2018, 10:16:39 pm »
From what you wrote, I definitely think you are trans.
Especially the part about wanting to be a woman during sex.
Our sex drive is our most basic instinct and if you enjoy the idea and prefer the idea of being a woman in this aspect of your life I can tell you now. Those thoughts will never go away. 
In my opinion it's totally natural. There is no reason to feel shame where none exists.  The heart wants what the heart wants.

Welcome to the site and enjoy your journey.
Assigned Male at Birth - 1958
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Offline PollyQMcLovely

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #12 on: February 07, 2018, 07:32:49 am »


For just about as long as I can remember, I have found the idea of men turning into women arousing. Like, it's really hot. It's easily my biggest fetish. Being raised in a very religious household, I thought it made me a pervert. Sometimes the thought of me turning into a woman crossed my mind, but I always rationalized it away, thinking I was masturbating too much and that I just let my kink get to my head. In light of the things I've learned about trans people, however, I'm starting to wonder if it was the other way around. Maybe my mind is actually female, but since I didn't know how any of that worked, it manifested as a sexual kink because my freshly pubescent sub-conscious didn't know what else to do with those feelings. Having come to that conclusion, I recently tried masturbating while picturing myself as the woman and - WOW - let's just leave it there. At any rate, the more I think about it, the more this theory makes sense to me.

The same thing happened to me. I spent my whole life hating myself because I couldn't get it up unless I had similar fantasies to the ones you mentioned. I would then force myself to switch back to being the hetero male before I finished. When I finally allowed myself to finish as I started, as a woman having sex with a man, it felt comedically more satisfying. It still took me some time to shake the feelings of self hatred though.

After coming to terms with this all the various fetishes I used to employ pretty much faded away. I'd be interested to know if anyone else had a similar experience.

Offline JulieAllana

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #13 on: February 07, 2018, 08:18:51 am »

After coming to terms with this all the various fetishes I used to employ pretty much faded away. I'd be interested to know if anyone else had a similar experience.

Yes yes and thrice yes!  I had VERY similar experiences.
1/4/18 - Admission to self of trans - Start of transition
2/10/18 - First time out in public
2/12/18 - Ears Pierced
2/16/18 - Started Laser Hair removal on face
7/4/18 - Down 101 pounds since 1/4/18.  Maybe start HRT at 210-15
9/22/18 - Weighed in @207 (down 113 lbs) this morning, waiting on sperm freezing before starting HRT next week.

Offline Light_of_Elune

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #14 on: February 07, 2018, 10:49:18 am »
I have found that there are MANY young transwomen who have video logs on youtube.  I have watched hours and hours of them and they have also helped me affirm my feelings.  Another youtube resource that I found helpful was the "transition channel" which has some really good videos about figuring out if you are trans.

Yeah, outside of the webcomics, Youtube has been the main place I've been looking for insight. I've been watching a lot of stuff from Stef Sanjati, but I'll check out this "transition channel". Thanks for the suggestion.

Offline Light_of_Elune

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #15 on: February 07, 2018, 11:16:32 am »

The same thing happened to me. I spent my whole life hating myself because I couldn't get it up unless I had similar fantasies to the ones you mentioned. I would then force myself to switch back to being the hetero male before I finished. When I finally allowed myself to finish as I started, as a woman having sex with a man, it felt comedically more satisfying. It still took me some time to shake the feelings of self hatred though.

After coming to terms with this all the various fetishes I used to employ pretty much faded away. I'd be interested to know if anyone else had a similar experience.

I've known about trans people (at least vaguely) for years, but never considered that I might be one because I don't seem to have much dysphoria (or at least, if I do I haven't put 2 and 2 together yet). For instance, I don't hate being a dude, in fact, I'm pretty okay with it, and I don't hate my body (okay, maybe a little, but that's because I'm overweight). I've never liked the absurd standards of modern masculinity, but I never felt like I was forced to be someone I'm not. I've also never felt the urge to dress or present in a feminine way. The sex thing was the only direct indication that I might be trans. I've had a porn problem for almost as long as I can remember, and I've tried stopping several times with no luck. Now that I've realized transness (is that a word?) might be the cause, I'm looking at all of these other things in a new light. I've never had dysphoria from absurd masculinity standards because I've never actually been held to those standards (seeing a disgusting food is one thing, actually eating it is entirely different). I've never wanted to wear women's clothes because I've never realized it was an option or okay, and I've never been in a position where that would be acceptable (as in, alone or with supportive friends). Now that all the pieces are falling together, part of me is like "this is the answer I've been looking for!" while another part of me is like "no, this is ridiculous and WRONG". I know the latter is probably just a lifetime of living in a heavy Christian conservative culture without much exposure to other lifestyles, but it's still a hard feeling to shake.

Anyway, while I was writing this my copy of "First Year Out" by Sabrina Symington was delivered, so I'll check back in later; right now, I've got comics to read.

Offline Light_of_Elune

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #16 on: February 07, 2018, 01:01:37 pm »
Okay, so I just read "First Year Out" by Sabrina Symington (the woman behind Life of Bria Comics), which is a graphic novel following a trans woman during her first year "out" as a woman, and the main character talks about something that I never considered, but that makes a lot of sense. She's having a conversation with her friend about being attracted to guys, despite having been hella straight as a dude, and she says the first time she ever actually felt attracted to someone was after transitioning. She described her "attraction" to women while she was a man as having been her trying to live vicariously through them, and that this desire to chase "womanhood" was overriding her ability to be properly sexually attracted to people. That kinda hit me, because I've never been attracted to any actual people before, despite being very attracted to the female form. I was actually wondering last night if I might be asexual (and attracted to woman only as a sexualization of wanting to be female), but I'm now wondering if it's more like the character in the book, where my actual sexual orientation will show itself after I deal with the whole trans thing.

I don't know, it sounded like something to think about.

Offline Danielle79

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #17 on: February 07, 2018, 01:02:23 pm »
I've known about trans people (at least vaguely) for years, but never considered that I might be one because I don't seem to have much dysphoria (or at least, if I do I haven't put 2 and 2 together yet). For instance, I don't hate being a dude, in fact, I'm pretty okay with it, and I don't hate my body (okay, maybe a little, but that's because I'm overweight). I've never liked the absurd standards of modern masculinity, but I never felt like I was forced to be someone I'm not. I've also never felt the urge to dress or present in a feminine way. The sex thing was the only direct indication that I might be trans. I've had a porn problem for almost as long as I can remember, and I've tried stopping several times with no luck. Now that I've realized transness (is that a word?) might be the cause, I'm looking at all of these other things in a new light. I've never had dysphoria from absurd masculinity standards because I've never actually been held to those standards (seeing a disgusting food is one thing, actually eating it is entirely different). I've never wanted to wear women's clothes because I've never realized it was an option or okay, and I've never been in a position where that would be acceptable (as in, alone or with supportive friends). Now that all the pieces are falling together, part of me is like "this is the answer I've been looking for!" while another part of me is like "no, this is ridiculous and WRONG". I know the latter is probably just a lifetime of living in a heavy Christian conservative culture without much exposure to other lifestyles, but it's still a hard feeling to shake.

Anyway, while I was writing this my copy of "First Year Out" by Sabrina Symington was delivered, so I'll check back in later; right now, I've got comics to read.
The dysphoria may kick up a few notches as you progress. Most of us protect ourselves from the realization that we are trans (if only out of self-preservation in a hostile environment).

It's like we're in a soundproof room and there's a loud alarm going off outside. We can hear the alarm, but it's so muffled that we might even think that we're imagining it. It takes us a while to convince ourselves that it is there. But once we step out of that room, that alarm is so loud that we can't help but do something about it.

Avoiding masculinity was one of the ways I protected myself. I just kept telling myself that I was a "nice guy." The thing is, though, even the nice guys still act like guys. I didn't. Now I understand that.

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Offline Sophia Sage

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #18 on: February 07, 2018, 01:44:07 pm »
Now that all the pieces are falling together, part of me is like "this is the answer I've been looking for!" while another part of me is like "no, this is ridiculous and WRONG". I know the latter is probably just a lifetime of living in a heavy Christian conservative culture without much exposure to other lifestyles, but it's still a hard feeling to shake.

How does it make you feel to imagine looking in the mirror and seeing a woman's face?

How do you feel about other people seeing a woman when they look at you?

How do you feel about people referring to you as "she"?
What you look forward to has already come, but you do not recognize it.

Offline PollyQMcLovely

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Re: I think I might be trans, but how do I know for sure?
« Reply #19 on: February 07, 2018, 02:33:36 pm »


How does it make you feel to imagine looking in the mirror and seeing a woman's face?

I had a dream where this happened shortly after deciding to start HRT. I've never been so happy and so sad at the same time. I've avoided mirrors my whole life, the idea that that could change is, I don't have the words for this.

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