Author Topic: Came out to wife and not good  (Read 1207 times)

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Online heather3791

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Came out to wife and not good
« on: February 09, 2018, 04:10:46 pm »
Hi everyone. So I came out to my wife about a week ago. I wish I could say it went well but sadly it did not. I told her absolutely everything. Including that I feel like a woman much of the time and how these feelings have increased with age. I told her that I have thought about HRT and that I fantasize about having a more female body, including breast. She was not mad at all. She actually said she felt really bad for me with having to deal with the awful dysphoria and anxiety. We both cried our eyes out and have talked each night since then about the future. We've had problems other than this that have taken a toll on things. So this was a major thing on top of other issues. She told me that she doesn't know how we can go on. She said she married a man and not a woman and that she would always wonder who I was at a given time. We both love each other very much but she thinks that we both need to move on to be happy.                                                         She needs somebody who will put her first and I need to further explore who I truly am. So it looks like we will end up splitting. I am very upset and scared out of my mind. I feel like I've ruined my marriage and possibly the rest of my life. Oh and then there's the kids too. How will this affect them. It's just a big mess and at this point irreversible. Sorry to be a debbie downer on Friday! I just needed to tell someone.

Offline virtualverny

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2018, 04:22:59 pm »
hello!
reading your post, i'm glad your wife accepted your decision. i think it's important that you emphasise to her that you're still very much the same person she married; you were trans then and you're trans now.
i can't even imagine how you must feel, of course, i can say all kinds of stuff that i think will help, but they're all just assumptions and suggestions. this is the first day. you two have the rest of your lives to figure this out with one another. maybe you'll stay together, or maybe you'll both move on. the most important part is that you both work to stay as happy and on as good as possible terms with one another. i'm always available for a chat. sending lots of admiration your way  :)

Offline Mikaela

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2018, 04:42:08 pm »
Good luck to you. Give her time, maybe she will shift. It’s a whole lot to absorb...


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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2018, 04:50:44 pm »
Heather,

I am wishing for you the best possible future results. 


Chrissy.

Offline Kendra

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2018, 06:26:28 pm »
Hello Heather,

I am sorry to hear this didn't go well.  I can't exactly relate because my marriage ended years before transition but this is a lot of unexpected information for your wife to process.  You have wrestled with this for quite awhile, she has only had a few days.  It is possible she may understand more as time goes on or may change her viewpoint on what is possible.  Or maybe she won't, but by being understanding and not angry you are still far better off - to at least remain amicable with the potential to arrange the best possible solution for your children.

Coming out isn't the cause - it is a very important event due to the way things developed over many years.  You are being honest and although that is not always easy, honesty is the best solution in the long run. 

I don't know if you have access to a good therapist or counselor - something to consider. 

But most important right now is I want to give you a hug.  You need it.

Kendra 
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, GCS-2 & BA 7/2018. 

Online heather3791

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2018, 11:34:43 pm »
Thanks ya’ll. I really appreciate your support. For now I just have to put this in God’s hands and see how things play out. As painful as it all is I think we know that it’s the way it has to be. It just sucks really bad right now. Thanks again.

Offline Laurie K

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2018, 02:24:04 am »
Hi Heather,
                 The best you can do is be honest open and patient....and let God do the rest.... I will say that we jump off a cliff and hope the landing is soft..... I hope the best




The ball is now rolling....I hope it doesnt run me 0ver

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2018, 08:35:54 am »
Just keep the lines of communication open.  My wife and I are splitting, but we are staying friends.  She tried to accept the new me as a lover/spouse, but could not.  She too, "married a man" and couldn't stay married to a woman.  We make better friends than we ever did as spouses.  She helped me learn makeup, and helped me get clothing.  As long as you communicate with her, not just about your transition, but as the person you are and your life together, you can possibly maintain a friendship.
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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2018, 10:33:46 am »
Sorry that your wife feels that way; it always makes me sad when couples seperate. I was engaged to be married right before I started my transition, and I broke up with her because I knew that I would transition, and did not want to put her through that. I didn’t tell her I was trans when I broke up with her, but I reached out to her several years later, and explained wverything; she actually was very understanding and thanked me for ending our engagement. We met for lunch, and parted as friends; we met up again to catch up a couple years later, but have not contacted each other since.

Offline Gertrude

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2018, 03:06:34 pm »
Put her first? Ok.


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Online heather3791

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2018, 06:44:41 pm »
Yes I think we can definitely be friends long term. And obviously we will have to interact almost daily with us having young kids. @Gertrude…Her words not mine:). I think I've done a pretty darn good job of putting her first and suppressing my other half. I think it's finally time for Heather to be put first! And I think she damn well deserves it.

Offline gallinarosa

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2018, 10:38:57 am »
As an SO, I have to agree with others to be patient -- both of you -- and not make any big decisions right away. Many surprised CIS spouses' are all over the place, especially in the beginning. It is a lot to process. It would help to find a therapist (or a few) for each of you and as a couple, to help you navigate this crucial time and help you communicate. People can evolve as they absorb new information. If she needs people to talk to, PM me.

Good luck!

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2018, 10:55:09 am »
It been said before, but your wife has very little time to process this monumental shift in your self.  You have had a lifetime.  Taking it slow is the best route.  Try to find a therapist that has experience that she can see alone or with you.  You may find common ground to live on.

"If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."

Offline Lilith.lupe.tamayo

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #13 on: March 11, 2018, 05:55:39 pm »
I feel you, to be married in a cis-heteronormative relationship when one of the partners is trans is very tough. I wish you the best because I am in a similar situation.
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Online heather3791

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2018, 06:54:42 pm »
Well it's official. We are defntiely getting a divorce. She insist that we will remain the best of friends and always be in each others lives. I will still get the kids from school everyday..which I currently look forward to everyday. I'll be moving in with a friend just a few miles away, so I'll always be close to them. I'm not going to lie…this is both painful and scary. But I also have this calming feeling with something inside me telling me that this is the right thing to do and I'll eventually be happier. The transiton from all of this will no doubt be challenging however. I hope and pray everything works out!

Offline Kendra

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #15 on: March 17, 2018, 02:11:02 pm »
Remaining best of friends is an admirable goal and far better than being miserable.  Being able to both cooperate and care for kids is positive.  That calm feeling you have right now isn't your imagination - I think you will be just fine, along with your kids and close friend / former partner. 
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, GCS-2 & BA 7/2018. 

Offline JillianC

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #16 on: March 17, 2018, 04:41:59 pm »
heather3791, I just wanted to let you know that I went through the same thing last year.  It definitely was the most difficult thing I have had to endure.  I'm at peace with the decision I made and know ultimately is was the right choice.  Things will work out for you just remember to practice self care.  Finally, be sure to comfort your children especially if they are younger.  Transition and divorce will be hard on them.   They just need reassurance that you still love them and that you are not divorcing them and that they will always be your children.

If you need to vent to someone who understands feel free to pm me.  Best wishes and take care.

Offline Lilith.lupe.tamayo

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #17 on: March 29, 2018, 02:04:16 pm »
Well it's official. We are defntiely getting a divorce. She insist that we will remain the best of friends and always be in each others lives. I will still get the kids from school everyday..which I currently look forward to everyday. I'll be moving in with a friend just a few miles away, so I'll always be close to them. I'm not going to lie…this is both painful and scary. But I also have this calming feeling with something inside me telling me that this is the right thing to do and I'll eventually be happier. The transiton from all of this will no doubt be challenging however. I hope and pray everything works out!

Sending you lots of hugs, all in all it seems that at least things are ending in a dignified way
Enter the Pleroma and see that nothingless is all
And you must destroy a world to be born
Alpha and Omega are the beginning and the end
United in the shape of Abraxas

Offline Paige

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #18 on: March 29, 2018, 02:25:37 pm »
Hi Heather,

I'm so sorry your marriage is coming to an end.   It's definitely a tough decision to make and family makes everything so much more difficult.   I'm glad your wife and you want to stay friends. 

I'm probably heading that way too. 
Take care,
Paige :)


Offline bjaiy

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Re: Came out to wife and not good
« Reply #19 on: March 29, 2018, 10:19:08 pm »
I'm really sorry that the marriage is at an end.  We need to be whomever we are...  The implications of that can be profound.  Did my wife surmise?  I'll never know.  She left--an affair.  That was very hard.  But I have choices... Find close ones who care... They'll enable you to find happiness.  You're in my heart and prayers... --Bjaiy

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