Author Topic: Strained Marriage  (Read 527 times)

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Offline kgerzon

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Strained Marriage
« on: February 18, 2018, 11:15:58 am »
I am a transman, on HRT for almost 5 years now. My wife, who is a cis gendered lesbian woman, is thinking of leaving me because she does not like my changes. We have been together 8 years.. I am so sad and torn. I know we are meant to be together. I just know it.. how could I move on if she decides to leave me when I am in love with her? Is it possible to move on?

Offline Jessica

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Re: Strained Marriage
« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2018, 11:24:25 am »
Welcome to Susan’s Place!  I’m Jessica a transgender woman.  I’m sorry your relationship with your loved one is in trouble.  Many here have lost that struggle, but many have survived.  I hope you can come to terms with whichever way it goes.
I see your new here, so I’ll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself. 


Things that you should read

"If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."

Offline bobbisue

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Re: Strained Marriage
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2018, 11:32:44 am »
     I understand your pain my wife is not a lesbian but I am a woman she too is struggling with this I don't know how things will go but I will go on either way and you can as well sometimes love is not enough do your best let her know what you are feeling communication is very important I wish you the best  you have our support here

     bobbisue :)
[ gotta be me everyone else is taken ]
started HRT june 16 2017              
Out to all my family Oct 21 2017 no rejections
Fulltime Dec 9 2017 ahead of schedule
First pass Dec 11 2017

Offline Kylo

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Re: Strained Marriage
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2018, 11:51:55 am »
In the worst scenario you have to accept your 8 year investment is for nothing, pick up, and think about something else you want in life, start over. Maybe be open to someone else if you need someone in your life. There's more to life than being miserable.

Happened to me as well so I'm not just saying that.

Remember the amount of clinging to stuff people do is proportional to how much they think they've put into it and sacrificed for it because they don't want to "give up" what they put in. Love's a lot of things, but it's not like it can be found in only one place with one person.
"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."

Online Rachel

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Re: Strained Marriage
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2018, 12:05:14 pm »
Hi,

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I am divorced; my ex is cis hetero and could not deal with the changes. It is really better for her that we are no longer married and living under the same roof. I too did not want to give her up but in the end it is better for both of us. I am starting to realize that.

It was very difficult. As time goes by (3 weeks since she moved out) I am starting to do better. Each of you deserve to be yourselves and in that is respecting what the other person needs. We hung on for years struggling to make it work but it was not working.

How do you go on. If you need help and are in a difficult mental state get to therapy and your PCP if necessary.

One thing a day will make a huge amount of progress in a month. I started an account with Match.com. I am not quite ready to date but it helps emailing different guys to get to know them and maybe there will be a coffee date if I like a guy and he is OK with me being me.

Transition seamed impossible, yet I did it. Being single seamed impossible, yet I am surviving and I think I will be good to go by summer.

Offline TonyaW

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Re: Strained Marriage
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2018, 12:48:56 pm »


In the worst scenario you have to accept your 8 year investment is for nothing, pick up, and think about something else you want in life, start over. Maybe be open to someone else if you need someone in your life. There's more to life than being miserable.



 If my wife (straight cis woman) ends up not being able to continue being in a relationship with me (now a trans lesbian) it will hurt immensely, but I will not see the previous 35 years that we've been together as wasted or "for nothing". 

Just because you don't end up in happily ever after land, it does not have to mean time spent in a relationship is for nothing.  I hate that way of thinking.

We want to be with each other but, she wants me to be a man in a straight relationship and I want her to be in a lesbian relationship.  Problem is I can't pretend to be a man any longer and she is not a lesbian or bisexual.  We are still trying to figure out how we do this

Sometimes it's just not possible to stay with someone that you love.  Accepting that  doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and it doesn't mean that it's what you want. 


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Offline Kylo

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Re: Strained Marriage
« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2018, 02:00:11 pm »
Sure you can adopt the philosophical approach but that's how it tends to feel at the time when this happens to you. If someone has said no, then you have a choice - accept it or don't accept it and keep hanging on. A person can string this stuff out for years and get nowhere, just getting more and more worked up over time. Love might be great and better to do than never to do but it's also irrational and self destructive sometimes.

The best way to start with making a clean break is to make a clean break mentally in my experience


"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."

Offline Lady Lisandra

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Re: Strained Marriage
« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2018, 03:35:36 pm »
When I came out to my ex girlfriend (We had been together for 7 years and things were really serious) she immediately left me. We tried again after a few months, but couldn't stand the fact of having a relationship with another woman. She didn't even wait to see the changes. I really loved her, and I was destroyed for more than a year about her leaving me.

I can't blame her, she was just not into girls. I had to accept that and move on. It is possible, it just takes time. You can PM me anytime...
- Lis -

Offline Mary1

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Re: Strained Marriage
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2018, 10:59:51 pm »

 If my wife (straight cis woman) ends up not being able to continue being in a relationship with me (now a trans lesbian) it will hurt immensely, but I will not see the previous 35 years that we've been together as wasted or "for nothing". 

Just because you don't end up in happily ever after land, it does not have to mean time spent in a relationship is for nothing.  I hate that way of thinking.

We want to be with each other but, she wants me to be a man in a straight relationship and I want her to be in a lesbian relationship.  Problem is I can't pretend to be a man any longer and she is not a lesbian or bisexual.  We are still trying to figure out how we do this

Sometimes it's just not possible to stay with someone that you love.  Accepting that  doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and it doesn't mean that it's what you want. 


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But if you really love the person everything bid possible, and they are worth effort

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Offline Mary1

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Re: Strained Marriage
« Reply #9 on: February 26, 2018, 10:28:46 pm »

 If my wife (straight cis woman) ends up not being able to continue being in a relationship with me (now a trans lesbian) it will hurt immensely, but I will not see the previous 35 years that we've been together as wasted or "for nothing". 

Just because you don't end up in happily ever after land, it does not have to mean time spent in a relationship is for nothing.  I hate that way of thinking.

We want to be with each other but, she wants me to be a man in a straight relationship and I want her to be in a lesbian relationship.  Problem is I can't pretend to be a man any longer and she is not a lesbian or bisexual.  We are still trying to figure out how we do this

Sometimes it's just not possible to stay with someone that you love.  Accepting that  doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and it doesn't mean that it's what you want. 


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If you really want it though, you do what you can to make it work, even if it's compromising some how, that's what marriage is.

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