Author Topic: Dating as a non-op trans lady  (Read 865 times)

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Offline Transfused

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Dating as a non-op trans lady
« on: February 20, 2018, 04:20:04 pm »
I am non-op, on HRT. I pass quite well but I need to put the effort in.
I have a feminine body with breasts, hips, a decently feminine face. I also have a penis. And that is a bit of a problem when it comes to dating because :

1) I’m straight and only attracted to men.
2) I would hate it if a man wanted to touch me down there. I hate having my penis interacted with. It could make me dysphoric.

So basically I want to date a man who is purely top and has no cravings for a penis. But I’m non-op and that worries me : what man will accept a non-op woman who is not comfortable having her penis played with?
Am I the only heterosexual, non-op woman? I seam to be a rarity.

I plan on getting breast augmentation and some FFS in the future but on my genitalia I only consider going for an orchiectomy and having artificial testicles put in there because I wouldn’t like the look of an empty scrotum.

I’m scared of attracting chasers as a non-op trans woman. Basically, I want to date the men every other woman dates and not people who seek me out because of my being trans. I would feel really bad if someone liked me for being trans. I want the person to love me despite being trans, despite being non-op.

I also want a person who will not hide me from his family. It seams like many men into non-op trans women want to be with you when no one else knows about it. That’s not what I have in mind. I want a man who will be proud of me being his wife. Who will introduce me to all his friends and family and not hide me from them.

I’m scared to give dating another chance.
I have had back luck with attracting chasers in the past. They made me horribly dysphoric.

I am quite afraid of the whole dating game.
I wish I could find someone who loves me and who wants to be with me for me. Not someone who will treat me like a candy bar or a toy :-(

Is there hope for non-op straight ladies to find a prince who will be willing to overlook the equipment? I hope princes like that exist :-/

Offline Lady Lisandra

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2018, 06:43:27 pm »
There is hope, but you'll need patience, and most of all you'll have to be completely sincere about how you feel from the start.
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Offline Devlyn

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2018, 06:56:05 pm »
I've found that men who are attracted to us (and knowledgeable) know enough to ask if we're comfortable with our bodies being touched.

Take this as constructive criticism. It's not cool to apply an unwanted label like "chaser" on someone, just like we don't want the label "tranny" applied to us. A good relationship would be two people who respect others and don't call people names.  :)

Good luck in your search for a partner.   :)

Hugs, Devlyn


Offline Julia1996

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2018, 07:09:47 pm »
Yes there is hope. My boyfriend has no interest in my boy parts and has never interacted with them. If he had been interested in that it would have killed my attraction to him. With Tristan he didn't know I was trans when we started dating. After I told him he needed time to think about it but decided he was ok with it since I was having surgery soon. Our sexlife now is me giving him oral and him doing anal on me. But I'm having GRS in May so before too long we can have a normal sexlife. It is possible to find a guy who just likes you for you but I think it's easier to find him if he doesn't know you're trans when you first start dating. That way he has a little time to get to know you as a person. Tristan and I dated for almost a month before I told him I was trans. I told him when he started wanting to have sex. I did ask him once if he would have asked me out that first time if he had known I was trans. He told me that honestly, no he wouldn't have. He knew nothing about trans women and had misconceptions about us before he met me. That's why I say it helps if you let the guy get to know you before you tell him.
Julia


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SRS done 5/21/2018

Offline Lyric

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2018, 12:07:23 pm »
This is an odd and sad situation you seem to be in and it's unfortunate others here are the same. You have complete disdain for your genitalia, but you are not seeking SRS? That part alone is worrisome. You really need to discuss this matter with a therapist. You would be best to aim for a situation in which you can love and enjoy your genitals one way or the other.

While it may be possible to have a fairly temporary situation like Julia's, it's really asking a lot of a romantic partner to entirely avoid your genitalia indefinitely. That's not the way romance and sex tend to work. I think rather than looking for such a partner, you need to come to terms with yourself somehow. Get help.
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Offline Transfused

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2018, 01:26:38 pm »
This is an odd and sad situation you seem to be in and it's unfortunate others here are the same. You have complete disdain for your genitalia, but you are not seeking SRS? That part alone is worrisome. You really need to discuss this matter with a therapist. You would be best to aim for a situation in which you can love and enjoy your genitals one way or the other.

While it may be possible to have a fairly temporary situation like Julia's, it's really asking a lot of a romantic partner to entirely avoid your genitalia indefinitely. That's not the way romance and sex tend to work. I think rather than looking for such a partner, you need to come to terms with yourself somehow. Get help.


The surgery is too invasive for me. I would be too terrified to go for SRS. I am terrified of anaesthesia and knifes.

I’m happy to have breast augmentation because they can perform it under local anaesthesia. Same for FFS.
SRS would require general anaesthesia.

I cannot come to terms with having my penis interacted with. I hate erections and I would hate it if someone touched it. Having my penis touched is out of the question. That penis feels like a male thing and I can’t enjoy having it touched. Only if I’m playing with myself but not if someone else is involved. When I’m alone I feel less dysphoric about it because it Fortunately shrank a lot. It’s so tiny now that I can try to imagine that it’s not a penis. Having it touched by someone else would leave me crying and massively dysphoric.

So Yes, I know it’s strange, I’m massively dysphoric about my genitalia but I can’t go for an SRS.
I’m happy with what hormones do for me, I am thrilled to get breast implants and facial feminization surgery asap but srs feels like too much like an emotional recovery for me.
Better to not go for SRS and live happily or mostly happily as a non-op woman, than becoming a depressed mess post-op because I couldn’t handle the harsh recovery.
SRS is major surgery and it’s not for everyone. I still get a lot of happiness and satisfaction out of my life as a non-op woman and genitalia are only a dealbreaker in the bedroom, not in my day to day life where no one sees them. I’m following my heart and my mind and both say : “ don’t “ when it comes to SRS.
I don’t feel less trans for not wanting SRS. If there was a magical vagina button to get a vagina without pain or recovery, I would push it, but that button is not there. I wear a vaginal prosthetic and I tuck a lot to avoid it as much as possible. I hate erections but erections are only happening in the morning.

I am doing what my heart says.
Going on hormones gave me a reason to live again, to finally become the person that was inside of me all that time. SRS only changes the appearence of your genitalia and since I have little interest in sex and focus more on romance, friendship,... where my genitalia do not play a role.

The right person will find a way to make it work. A little creativity goes a long way.

I’m a happily transitioned person and I want to keep it this way. That’s so much better than if I would go for SRS and later deal with regrets of not being able to handle the harsh recovery, dilation,...

Dysphoria treatment is a process in which you go only as far as you need to. After BA and FFS I’m done and can happily move on with my life.

Offline Lyric

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2018, 01:36:18 pm »
Well, lots of luck with things. Yours is not going to be an easy path. We all have to walk our own way, though.
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Offline Transfused

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2018, 01:48:53 pm »
Well, lots of luck with things. Yours is not going to be an easy path. We all have to walk our own way, though.

It’s not going to be an easy path but I still disearve the same respect for my identity as a woman just like every other trans woman does. Having a penis or not doesn’t change that.
I had therapy and my therapist agreed that hormones were an amazing decision and that she saw me bloom into a much happier person, but we agreed that I was not in a position to undergo SRS. It would be stupid if I went for a surgery that I don’t feel is needed in my case.
It seams like some people still think in very black and white terms when it comes to treatment of trans individuals : either you go all the way, including the op or you stay living a miserable, dysphoric life in your birth gender.
That is a very dangerous thought pattern. Being non-op is just as valid as being pre-op or post-op.
I transitioned because I knew what I wanted. I knew that this was the right path.
It feels kind of invalidating when people tell me that “ eventually I might go for the SRS “ like as if there is something wrong with being non-op.
SRS is a very invasive surgery and not everyone needs it. I support those who need the big operation but I expect to be respected by those people as well. Being transsexual and non-op is not a paradox or a contradiction. They can be in harmony with each other.

I do realise that it’s not going to be easy to find a partner but difficult is a possibility too.
I shouldn’t go for SRS just to please a partner so that he can touch my genitalia. I’m more than a bunch of genitalia. I’m so much more than that.
Laverne Cox is one of the women who have helped me in accepting myself as a non-op trans woman. She is a great spokesmodel and people don’t know wether she has had surgery or not. The world defines trans women by our genitalia and we are much more than that.

Online Dena

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2018, 03:57:22 pm »
Depending on what your having done, FFS can be an 8 to 12 hour surgery and I doubt that local would be a very good idea with that much work. I am not sure a doctor would do a BA with just a local as it involved the need to numb a fairly large area of your chest. On the other hand, I have heard of a couple of doctors who will do a spinal for GCS. It's useful when a patient is unable to tolerate a general because of a reaction to it or it's risky to keep them under than long.

While my nose was done while I was awake, I was out while the local was applied. In general, I think my preference for a longer surgery would be general as you go out pretty fast and then what seems like about 10 seconds latter, you wake up and everything is done.

I have much the same feeling about surgery that you do but it comes down to it's the only way  to get from here to there. If you make the doctor aware of this fear, they have a drug they will give you while you are being prepped for surgery and you will remember nothing from before they give you the drug and when you wake up. They used it on me once and the last thing I remember is waiting for the guy to show up to give me the drug (though I didn't know that was what he was going to do).
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Offline Transfused

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2018, 04:31:26 pm »
Depending on what your having done, FFS can be an 8 to 12 hour surgery and I doubt that local would be a very good idea with that much work. I am not sure a doctor would do a BA with just a local as it involved the need to numb a fairly large area of your chest. On the other hand, I have heard of a couple of doctors who will do a spinal for GCS. It's useful when a patient is unable to tolerate a general because of a reaction to it or it's risky to keep them under than long.

While my nose was done while I was awake, I was out while the local was applied. In general, I think my preference for a longer surgery would be general as you go out pretty fast and then what seems like about 10 seconds latter, you wake up and everything is done.

I have much the same feeling about surgery that you do but it comes down to it's the only way  to get from here to there. If you make the doctor aware of this fear, they have a drug they will give you while you are being prepped for surgery and you will remember nothing from before they give you the drug and when you wake up. They used it on me once and the last thing I remember is waiting for the guy to show up to give me the drug (though I didn't know that was what he was going to do).


Thanks for the interesting reply, Dena.

I asked my breast surgeon. He told me they would do local anaesthesia and it would be outpatient. Local anaesthesia, sleeping a few hours to recover and then back home with help of someone because obviously driving,... would not be acceptable immediately post-op.

FFS is going to be in 3 separate surgeries.
Rhinoplasty and lipofilling under local anaesthesia.
Cheek implants also under local anaesthesia.

He couldn’t promise if brow bossing removal and forehead contouring could take place under local anaesthesia but he was going to look into it and have me know something.

I’m very scared of the recovery SRS would bring. The emotional recovery,...
I am going into BA and FFS with a much more relaxed and elated feeling.
Especially BA is very important for me. So strange how happy it makes me to already think about how much more symmetric and proportionate my body will look.

I will have to stop HRT only 4 days before the BA and 3 days after I can restart. There wasn’t much risk for blood clots because I’m only on a low transdermal dose and my endo didnt see problems either.

My therapist is worried about my fear for aneasthesia and told me to only go for the procedures I had a 100% positive feeling about : those are FFS and BA. SRS leaves me with too much mixed feelings to even think about scheduling a date.

They told me I would be on percocet in the days after FFS and BA.

There is a guesthouse at both the clinic I will have BA and the clinic I will have FFS.
I will stay at least 2 days over at the guesthouse after these procedures. To relax and to be free of worries immediately post-op. At home I would be too scared for immediate post-op complications.


Offline Julia1996

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #10 on: February 21, 2018, 04:36:59 pm »
I do find the thought of SRS scary, more so as the date gets closer. But for me I have no other choice. I absolutely have to have the surgery to ever be happy.
Julia


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Offline Transfused

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #11 on: February 21, 2018, 05:33:46 pm »
I do find the thought of SRS scary, more so as the date gets closer. But for me I have no other choice. I absolutely have to have the surgery to ever be happy.

I just hate my penis but not enough to have SRS since it’s something I can ignore by tucking and mine shrank tremendously fortunately. It looks more like a girl penis.
I look forward to FFS and BA. Those are the surgeries that I need for my happiness.

Offline Degenderate

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2018, 05:59:41 pm »
You can absolutely take your time with decisions and it's very healthy to say "no" and know that it's what is right for you. You know yourself best, and you can always take time to get more comfortable with the idea of surgery and reassess later. You're right that there's no wrong way to be trans, and if you're truly happy with your body as is, that's great!

I would advise you to be sure that you constantly assess your feelings, in case anything changes. Living with a body part that gives you such pronounced dysphoria can be incredibly painful (I know how that is...), and it is a shame to wave away a solution to that dysphoria based on the fear of the work of a few weeks/months - although I absolutely respect that it feels terrifying, and you have every right to your decision. What I mean to say is that you have all the time in the world to find a path that works for you, and that path might twist in ways you don't expect.   :)

One word of caution, though: be very very careful with how you disclose to a potential partner that you are trans. I completely understand what Julia1996 was saying, and it's fantastic that it worked out in that relationship. Just be very aware of the danger of "trans panic". It's a disgusting state of affairs to have to worry about such a thing, but you do need to put your safety first.
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Offline Julia1996

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #13 on: February 22, 2018, 08:58:09 am »
You can absolutely take your time with decisions and it's very healthy to say "no" and know that it's what is right for you. You know yourself best, and you can always take time to get more comfortable with the idea of surgery and reassess later. You're right that there's no wrong way to be trans, and if you're truly happy with your body as is, that's great!

I would advise you to be sure that you constantly assess your feelings, in case anything changes. Living with a body part that gives you such pronounced dysphoria can be incredibly painful (I know how that is...), and it is a shame to wave away a solution to that dysphoria based on the fear of the work of a few weeks/months - although I absolutely respect that it feels terrifying, and you have every right to your decision. What I mean to say is that you have all the time in the world to find a path that works for you, and that path might twist in ways you don't expect.   :)

One word of caution, though: be very very careful with how you disclose to a potential partner that you are trans. I completely understand what Julia1996 was saying, and it's fantastic that it worked out in that relationship. Just be very aware of the danger of "trans panic". It's a disgusting state of affairs to have to worry about such a thing, but you do need to put your safety first.

Oh yeah, you totally have to be careful telling the guy you're trans. When I told Tristan I did it in a crowded coffee shop. There was the possibility of embarrassment if he didn't react well and got loud about it but being embarrassed is a lot better than being beaten or killed. I really wasn't afraid Tristan would get physical because he didn't seem like that type of guy but you never know for sure. Guys can be extremely unpredictable when they get news like that. My brother had been very concerned about it and I didn't know it until after the fact but Tyler had actually showed up and sat in the back and watched us just in case Tristan reacted badly.
Julia


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Started hrt 2015
SRS done 5/21/2018

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #14 on: February 22, 2018, 09:46:39 am »
I do find the thought of SRS scary, more so as the date gets closer. But for me I have no other choice. I absolutely have to have the surgery to ever be happy.
Surgery is scary; what helps me is to focus on why I need the surgery, and how having the surgery will make my life better! I also find comfort in knowing that I am in good health, and that I have done everything the surgeon asked me to do to prepare for the surgery. And I also find comfort in the fact that I completely trust my surgeon, and I know that I am in good hands and will be well cared for during and after surgery.

Offline Transfused

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #15 on: February 22, 2018, 01:47:49 pm »
Oh yeah, you totally have to be careful telling the guy you're trans. When I told Tristan I did it in a crowded coffee shop. There was the possibility of embarrassment if he didn't react well and got loud about it but being embarrassed is a lot better than being beaten or killed. I really wasn't afraid Tristan would get physical because he didn't seem like that type of guy but you never know for sure. Guys can be extremely unpredictable when they get news like that. My brother had been very concerned about it and I didn't know it until after the fact but Tyler had actually showed up and sat in the back and watched us just in case Tristan reacted badly.

I prefer putting it on my dating profile that I’m trans but that I won’t use my penis and that my mind is 100% female and that I already knew since age 4 that I was a girl. That essentially there was never a guy and that I am different from the type of trans people they see in the media.
Most seam to respect it and a lot of straight guys just see me as a woman, not as a novelty.

Offline Devlyn

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #16 on: February 22, 2018, 02:03:53 pm »
Oh yeah, you totally have to be careful telling the guy you're trans. When I told Tristan I did it in a crowded coffee shop. There was the possibility of embarrassment if he didn't react well and got loud about it but being embarrassed is a lot better than being beaten or killed. I really wasn't afraid Tristan would get physical because he didn't seem like that type of guy but you never know for sure. Guys can be extremely unpredictable when they get news like that. My brother had been very concerned about it and I didn't know it until after the fact but Tyler had actually showed up and sat in the back and watched us just in case Tristan reacted badly.

Of course, theres a distinct possibility a crowd will just stand there filming you getting your ass kicked.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beating_of_Chrissy_Lee_Polis

Glad it worked out well for you.

Hugs, Devlyn

Offline Transfused

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Re: Dating as a non-op trans lady
« Reply #17 on: February 22, 2018, 02:20:51 pm »
Of course, theres a distinct possibility a crowd will just stand there filming you getting your ass kicked.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beating_of_Chrissy_Lee_Polis

Glad it worked out well for you.

Hugs, Devlyn

I prefer not to risk that so I tell upfront.
Most guys don’t make a big deal from it as long as your brain functions as that of a cis female and you pass. If you don’t pass well or if they already suspected something they might feel “ tricked “.
It’s dangerous to not tell upfront.