Author Topic: Yeah.. think I am ready for real this time.  (Read 159 times)

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Offline MadisonDavina

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Yeah.. think I am ready for real this time.
« on: June 19, 2019, 06:22:27 pm »
Honestly, although not much has happened at all on the transgender end of things for me since partially coming out in 2017, a lot has happened for me in other aspects of my life. Socially, I still don't have many IRL friends due to primarily transportation issues(but also things kinda became weird after my friend passed away, that friend group just stopped talking to each other, last I heard most either graduated or got picked up by fancy restaurants), I did meet an awesome group of people online who have just been overall very cool since I met them in January. They don't know I am transgender, but I hope they will be cool with it when it comes time to come out the rest of the way online(only a few online friends know, we don't really talk much though).

Education wise, I finally finished my music degree, and am now planning on finishing my culinary management degree while I consider the idea of transferring to university to pursue a degree in education or something(I want to eventually become a culinary instructor). Finally joined my school's honor society after years of debating if I should or not, I figure even if I don't do much outside of LGBTQ related events, it would be cool to have it on my diploma and have more scholarship options.

I also finally scheduled my driving test for Monday, as long as I don't get picked for a jury.. hoping I just stay on standby the entire time, really want to get my license while I am still somewhat confident in my driving ability. Once I get a driver's license, I can get a part time job near my school.

Then for more transgender stuff.. I kind of just followed my mom's weird advice and distanced myself from anything LGBTQ for a bit, didn't really think about it much the last year and a half, but it still ate at me everyday I guess.  I am still as sure as I had been all this time, I am transgender. Being completely honest, I think coming out to my mom in 2017 was a pretty terrible idea, wasn't entirely my choice since she was kind of the one that pulled the trigger, however it was horrible timing since I was legitimately not ready yet, and also so much had just happened. My brother and his ex had either just broken up or it happened right after, my mom's medical stuff had just started, my other brother had just moved across the country, I was in the final set of classes I needed to graduate, and my friend passed away like a month later.. Also I think the transgender ban had just been announced shortly before.. Like I said, very bad timing.

However, a bit has changed.. First off, my very openly homophobic brother did a complete turn around, I guess he realized a lot of his friends from college were gay and that made him realize that he was wrong. I wouldn't say he is at like advocate levels yet, but he is now pretty open to the LGBTQ stuff, as well as pretty supportive of his LGBTQ friends. I think everyone is still a bit surprised at this. My brother has also totally gotten over his ex, which took a long time, but it finally happened and he is actually pursuing stuff and trying to undo most of the damage caused by that relationship.

Then I guess the rest if just confidence stuff, no longer just being like "I need to transition because I am getting older", and more of just legit wanting to transition because I know I am now ready and even though it is going to be very hard and I still may lose a lot of people, I need to do it for myself.

However.. my mom is currently in the hospital because of severe abdominal pain, and like I said earlier, the next two weeks are kind of insane. Jury duty this week, driving test on Monday, and my brother is taking his firefighter physical test on Friday.. I think he is also talking to a Coast Guard recruiter sometime next week. So I will probably have to wait until sometime after my driver's test, hopefully I will pass just to have another positive thing going for me, if not, even just trying will probably be enough to be a positive thing. I do still want to talk to at least my mom before I start the process of going through Kaiser for the medical stuff.

I think having to talk to doctors is probably more scary to me now than wanting to talk to my family about it. I still want to take a lot of it pretty slow to give the rest of my family time to process it, but at the same time I am like actually just ready to start this. Now back to hoping I remain on standby status the rest of the week.

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Yeah.. think I am ready for real this time.
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2019, 07:38:51 pm »
Wow, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now.  But it sounds like you know what you have to do. 

So, good luck managing the stress.  Take it easy on yourself, but keep moving forward at a pace that works for you.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change

Offline thornbird11

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Re: Yeah.. think I am ready for real this time.
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2019, 07:57:00 pm »
Whoa there's a lot going on in your life. I keep my finger's crossed for your driver's test on Monday. Hope you'll pass. Good luck!
"Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."
(Carol Burnett)

Offline MadisonDavina

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Re: Yeah.. think I am ready for real this time.
« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2019, 11:30:24 pm »
I totally forgot I posted here, got a bit distracted with another post on Reddit and then some Discord stuff.. I have thought about going back on my plan a few times already, however everytime I do that I just remind myself that I have been putting it off for.. a lot longer than I thought. Just went through some old emails to myself, and discovered my old "journal", I have been trying to come out and transition since at least early 2015... so my time line is a bit further off than I thought.

But it made me a bit more inspired so trying not to feel too depressed that it took so long. To keep myself motivated, I am going to try and reconnect with some old gaming friends who I haven't talked to in at least 5 years :/

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