Author Topic: Female personality  (Read 449 times)

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Offline BecomingVittoria

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Female personality
« on: September 02, 2019, 10:03:49 am »
Hi to everyone,
I’m in a point that I’m questioning myself lot about how will be my female personality, if finally I’m going to transition.
It drives me crazy sometimes.
For example, i’m outing to some friends. Fortunately, they are really supportive.
I found myself really scared when I talk to them about my gender issues. I literally tremble.
They offered me to go out with them like a I really feel, they want to know me as a woman.
I’m excited and scared.
I think, how would I will feel comfortable if only talk about makes me tremble?
I don’t know if i’ve more fear that I’ll feel totally uncomfortable or if I will love it .
I think I’m not really accepting that I’m trans. I’m trying to do it but my fears let me paralyzed.
It seems to me that I will not be able to develop a woman personality...it’s strange, i’ve desired this all my life and now I’m lost discovering that I have no idea of the woman I want to be.
I don’t know if it makes sense to someone.

Vittoria

Online Sephirah

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2019, 12:44:20 pm »
Hi to everyone,
I’m in a point that I’m questioning myself lot about how will be my female personality, if finally I’m going to transition.
It drives me crazy sometimes.
For example, i’m outing to some friends. Fortunately, they are really supportive.
I found myself really scared when I talk to them about my gender issues. I literally tremble.
They offered me to go out with them like a I really feel, they want to know me as a woman.
I’m excited and scared.
I think, how would I will feel comfortable if only talk about makes me tremble?
I don’t know if i’ve more fear that I’ll feel totally uncomfortable or if I will love it .
I think I’m not really accepting that I’m trans. I’m trying to do it but my fears let me paralyzed.
It seems to me that I will not be able to develop a woman personality...it’s strange, i’ve desired this all my life and now I’m lost discovering that I have no idea of the woman I want to be.
I don’t know if it makes sense to someone.

Vittoria

Sweetie, it sounds to me like you're trying too hard. *hugs* The thing is... your female personality... well, it's you. It's not something you develop as a part of transition. It's the reason for transition in the first place. It feels to me like you're looking for something you already found. Knowing you as a woman isn't all that different from knowing you before you admitted you were trans. In my opinion, it's what led to this point in your life, you know? You aren't suddenly going to become a different person, sweetie. You're going to become you. The you that decided you need to do this.

You aren't finding someone else, you're letting yourself out. And it sounds to me like you're stressing about it way too much. Like you have an idea in your head that at some point you'll have an entire shift in the way you think, talk and act. It's been my experience that isn't the case. What you're doing is freeing yourself, not finding yourself. You did that already. *extra big hugs*

Stop worrying about it, okay? Just be you. Whoever, and however that is. Because if you know you're female, that is your female personality. :)
Natura nihil frustra facit.

Offline Stephanie_James

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2019, 01:16:59 pm »
That was a really good response. Wow.

Offline Rachel

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2019, 01:29:14 pm »
Hi Steph, If any of your friends are female then it would be awesome to have them take you out to try on and buy some cloths and light makeup. I did that and it was an awesome experience.

It is natural to be scared about the unknown and something that is at our core. When you come out try to make the circle with supportive people. This will build your self confidence and agency. Then when there is reason and you feel the challenge is not to great come out to those that you think will be supportive and so on.

 Usually when a person comes out to a few people then someone will tell another and so on. Secrets are something only one person knows. So be prepared. When it became known at work I was really relieved. Then my supervisor said I should come out in public and control the spin ( some people are clueless).

Your transition is what you want to make of it. You can not change who you are. What I found is that those that supported me were really good and nice people and those that do not I am better without them.

Good luck,
Rachel
HRT  5-28-2013
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Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2019, 02:06:31 pm »
Vittoria,
   Hi again. What you are talking about are two different things. Figuring out who you are through time, should not be mixed in with the nervousness of going out for the first time dressed femininely. It strikes me that you are so scared of going out that first time that you are trying to talk yourself into reasons why not to proceed in doing it. Going out now is pure gold in terms of information you need. It is a piece of the puzzle that will help with finding your direction. Gather your supporters, get yourself ready and just do it. Kick the  fear right in  the teeth, because it won't lessen until you face it. You will be amazed at what you are capable of. The alternative to moving  forward is confusion, more fear, and anxiety for not having done it. Believe me, taking these first small steps is the far better answer for you feeling better. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Moni
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)
"Moni" is pronounced like "Bonnie"

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS, great repair.

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Offline BecomingVittoria

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2019, 06:35:54 pm »
Thank you girls for all these amazing replies!
All of them are really helping me, i’m starting to see the meaning of what i’m doing.
I’m sure that i’ve changed, i’m out of the loop crisis/denying.
I can stop to outing myself to my friends. And like Rachel said, one “accident” has occurred...but it was to person that actually I would told anyway, so it doesn’t bothered me...at this point I need to tell it to the people I really love, I need support and someone close to me if things goes down.
Sometimes I feel that i’m unofficially started to transition. I have to learn to control my fears and anxiety. Yes, I know that I’m going to forward with my mind about my woman future. I’ve to take small steps but in some moments I feel like I’m losing the control. Actually I don’t have any control anymore. I know that I’m a woman but I’m scared to see it face to face. I’m scared to be myself, but I think it’s better to live like “this is not happening, it’s all ok”

Really really thank you and big extra hugs to everyone!!!
With love,
Vittoria

Offline Ricki

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2019, 07:28:05 pm »
Vittoria,

Remember all those things you wanted to do, but didn't because you were afraid of being called a "girl" or "gay"? Yeah. Go ahead and do those now  ;D

Your style will happen, much like it did in puberty 1.0. Don't be surprised to try something only to later decide "Soooo not me." You have the right to change your mind.

I hope you enjoy the adventure of discovering yourself.

Ricki
At 5 I forgot who I am. Fortunately, who I am protected me all these years until I remembered. Whatever else happens, I will live the rest of my life whole.
My story: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244130.0.html
07Nov18 HRT (Oral)
04Feb19 Added Spiro
29Jul19 Switched to Depo-Estradiol Injections, added bio identical Progesterone

Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2019, 06:07:33 pm »
Thank you girls for all these amazing replies!
All of them are really helping me, i’m starting to see the meaning of what i’m doing.
I’m sure that i’ve changed, i’m out of the loop crisis/denying.
I can stop to outing myself to my friends. And like Rachel said, one “accident” has occurred...but it was to person that actually I would told anyway, so it doesn’t bothered me...at this point I need to tell it to the people I really love, I need support and someone close to me if things goes down.
Sometimes I feel that i’m unofficially started to transition. I have to learn to control my fears and anxiety. Yes, I know that I’m going to forward with my mind about my woman future. I’ve to take small steps but in some moments I feel like I’m losing the control. Actually I don’t have any control anymore. I know that I’m a woman but I’m scared to see it face to face. I’m scared to be myself, but I think it’s better to live like “this is not happening, it’s all ok”

Really really thank you and big extra hugs to everyone!!!
With love,
Vittoria

Maybe you are beginning the process. Going forward means a certain loss of control. The closet is one thing, safe.
It can also be miserable. Going forward, it feels good, but it is not safe, not predictable, and not controllable. Being a woman can be many things to many people. To me, it was accepting vulnerability in a way I had never experienced before. It was an amazing experience of letting go of my barriers, letting go of the me against the world male shell I had to protect me. Becoming vulnerable was so freeing, truly a wonderful experience that I love every day. 
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)
"Moni" is pronounced like "Bonnie"

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS, great repair.

]

Offline BecomingVittoria

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2019, 05:27:40 am »
Maybe you are beginning the process. Going forward means a certain loss of control. The closet is one thing, safe.
It can also be miserable. Going forward, it feels good, but it is not safe, not predictable, and not controllable. Being a woman can be many things to many people. To me, it was accepting vulnerability in a way I had never experienced before. It was an amazing experience of letting go of my barriers, letting go of the me against the world male shell I had to protect me. Becoming vulnerable was so freeing, truly a wonderful experience that I love every day. 

Monica, your words always goes straight to my heart...
I’m discovering that, like you said, this is unpredictable. The reaction of my friends are a evidence. They’re really supportive, more than I ever thought. They only want me to stay better and do the things that I need to archive it...I’m my main oppressor, I always been.
Talking about it good, but I know that i’ve to start to face it, physically.
I’m preparing myself, i’ve idealised this so much, too much...that I’m frightened by the idea to feel ridiculous. It’s silly, but it’s there.
Also, I don’t have much free time...So is difficult to find a moment for me, to dedicate to bring out my feminine figure, to cares her a bit and not doing it quickly and worrying about if someone it’s coming home in a short time. Maybe in a couple of weeks I’ll begin to have a little more but I’m tired. I’m tired to have wait, to have anxiety, to not feel free.
What i’m realising is that I’ll be not 100% sure in every step, but to archive the answers that i’m looking for, i’ll have go forward.

A big hug,
Vittoria

Offline JennaD

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2019, 11:35:07 am »
Hi Vittoria (pretty name!), I'm new here and I'm probably at a similar point to you in my experiences. I've told some friends (super supportive), and I'm considering starting to wear some articles of clothing out of the house.

The last couple days I've thought so much about how to do this and how hard it will be. And I know that, from other things I've gone through, that intense questioning is really just a way of putting things off. Not that you should hurry your pace up at all. It just helps me to know that for me, all that questioning is just me being afraid.

It would be so nice to know how every step will turn out but the only way to really know is to start, I think. I'm starting small, maybe with the jeans coming in the mail today...

Anyway hope this helps and I wish you luck!!
Hugs,
Jenna
"Love yourself like you love your best friend, with encouragement, support, understanding and warmth."

Offline krobinson103

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2019, 02:29:15 pm »
Deciding to be yourself and those first steps are terrifying! You think the world will end. You think people will utterly reject you. They don't and most likely won't! Some people have problems processing but in the whole you'll find each fear faced gives you more confidence for the next and so on. Eventually you look back and laugh at what you thought was scary.

Its a good idea to write a journal (here is good thats what I did) and put your thoughts where you can process them and look back at your progress. You are in good company and there are many people here who have walked the road you are beginning to walk. Its windy and has hills and scary tunnels but its TOTALLY worth it.

Living as your authentic self is the best gift you'll ever give yourself.
Every day is a totally awesome day
Every day provides opportunities and challenges
Every challenge leads to an opportunity
Every fear faced leads to one more strength
Every strength leads to greater success
Success leads to self esteem
Self Esteem leads to happiness.
Cherish every day.

Offline BecomingVittoria

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2019, 05:18:47 pm »
Thank you girls!!! Every reply is very helpful and supportive.


This afternoon i’ve made a order for some clothes...a dress, a tube skirt, a tight jersey and, OMG...a pair of heels. It’s the first time I buy heels, right now I’m so excited!
I bought all thinking in my night out. I’ll need more things but it’s a little step.


In short time I have to face my partner, this is growing and growing and I thought that I had to go a therapist to figure it out, but sincerely I think that i’m already admitting to myself that i’m a trans woman (I’ll do a therapy anyway, it’s part of the process, and I need to it).
I need to do it before to go out as a female.

Also everyday is harder to contain my emotions, she’s noticing that something in me it’s doesn’t work correctly, someday depression and anxiety kicks me pretty hard and I’ve  to spend a lot of energy to hide it...I’ve to talk about this with her, it will be hard after...but I can’t contain myself.

Another thing that passed me, i’ve to write it. This gave me a lot of anxiety the day after:
one of my best friends (he is gay, we have worked together for years ( making graphics for women’s clothing LOL) , we always been like brothers... but now that he knows that maybe I will be his sister a sexual tension has been created... he kissed me, we were a bit drunk...I stopped him. I was in male mode, I think myself as a straight woman.
So I’m a bit stressed about what could pass when I’ll present me as a female to him, things can go out of control quickly... I have to admit to me that i’m having fantasies with this.

It’s a idea to write a journal, if I will go ahead I will surely do...i’ve to talk about this and this is a wonderful place to do it.



Kisses,
Vittoria


Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #12 on: September 04, 2019, 06:38:58 pm »
Hi Vittoria (pretty name!), I'm new here and I'm probably at a similar point to you in my experiences. I've told some friends (super supportive), and I'm considering starting to wear some articles of clothing out of the house.

The last couple days I've thought so much about how to do this and how hard it will be. And I know that, from other things I've gone through, that intense questioning is really just a way of putting things off. Not that you should hurry your pace up at all. It just helps me to know that for me, all that questioning is just me being afraid.

It would be so nice to know how every step will turn out but the only way to really know is to start, I think. I'm starting small, maybe with the jeans coming in the mail today...

Anyway hope this helps and I wish you luck!!
Hugs,
Jenna

I love this post. So self aware, Jenna!

Love the journaling idea, K.

Vittoria, I feel so bad. I see myself in much of what you describe, including being a straight woman. Why do I feel bad? I just see that you are bursting at the seams trying to contain this. I remember that point in my life. You just want to scream from frustration, and the drive is so strong, it becomes overpowering. It hurts me to see someone else go through it. That kiss had to be hard to deal with. I am sorry that this is so hard. One thing to keep in mind is learning. Learning from everything is your strongest ally in building the life you want.

A note on heels! I never gave priority to heels because I am self conscious about being taller. I am discovering how much of a turn on they are for guys. Maybe I will have to learn how to walk in them now.
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)
"Moni" is pronounced like "Bonnie"

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS, great repair.

]

Offline krobinson103

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Re: Female personality
« Reply #13 on: September 04, 2019, 07:32:15 pm »
I love this post. So self aware, Jenna!

Love the journaling idea, K.

Vittoria, I feel so bad. I see myself in much of what you describe, including being a straight woman. Why do I feel bad? I just see that you are bursting at the seams trying to contain this. I remember that point in my life. You just want to scream from frustration, and the drive is so strong, it becomes overpowering. It hurts me to see someone else go through it. That kiss had to be hard to deal with. I am sorry that this is so hard. One thing to keep in mind is learning. Learning from everything is your strongest ally in building the life you want.

A note on heels! I never gave priority to heels because I am self conscious about being taller. I am discovering how much of a turn on they are for guys. Maybe I will have to learn how to walk in them now.

I played with heels about a year into transition. They took some getting used to. Still getting used to some 4 inch stiletto heeled boots I found! Shifting your point of balance that far forward is challenging...
Every day is a totally awesome day
Every day provides opportunities and challenges
Every challenge leads to an opportunity
Every fear faced leads to one more strength
Every strength leads to greater success
Success leads to self esteem
Self Esteem leads to happiness.
Cherish every day.

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