Author Topic: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness  (Read 6114 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Online Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 32,254
  • Reputation: +47/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #100 on: September 25, 2020, 02:18:21 pm »
             
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Myranda

  • ****
  • Posts: 223
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #101 on: September 28, 2020, 03:02:32 pm »
Just a little bit more behind the inner working of my psyche and why I'm finding more of a need to actually make use of this blog that I started back in the middle of July 2017.  Wow, has it really been that long since I first found the courage to come here and actually post and sort of "out" myself to an "anonymous" world of supportive individuals?

About a month or so ago during one of my weekly therapy sessions, I had a "break-through" of sorts.  I didn't come to sudden realization about my problems, but I was finally able to put language and a voice to something that I had been kind of avoiding.  Specifically, I told my therapist, likely in response to one of her very gentle and very direct questions (This is why I I truly value my therapists, my regular therapist really has a knack for knowing when to push me and when I'm beating around an issue or refusing to talk about something, and then get me to do so, and make me think it was my idea).  (I've had 2 therapists that have been amazing, perhaps more on that later on).

Anyway, I had suggested and pretty much had just come out and said, that I know I have used our session over the 4 years I have been talking with her, to try and triage my life and mental state, and just kind of keep keep the ship afloat as it were.  What this meant, is that in the immediate aftermath of my wife confronting me and my marriage blowing up, And I finally admitted to myself, that I needed therapy, I went looking for a therapist who specialized in trauma, relationships and gender issues.  So when I first started therapy, there was a lot of talk about my gender identity and why I felt that I had issues with my own identity, but also a lot of work was done early on to help me deal with the traumatic loss  stemming from the failure of my marriage and the way my soon to be ex-wife was treating me.  And as that started to work and my divorce was proceeding through the trial phase, I met a Woman, lets call her Girlfriend #1 (or GF #1 for short).  my regular therapy session soon started to resolve around that relationship, its ups and downs (and there were a lot of downs, many tied to my ex wife drama).  That relationship was very intense for me and I believe GF#1 as well, but was doomed despite, how I feel about her.  And it ended after about 7 months.   I spent the next 6 months with my 2nd therapist dealing with the fault out from that failed relationship, and making a startling discovery about myself in the process, through some off-hand comment to that therapist (a topic for another post).  I even remember commenting to both therapists over the course of 2019, that it felt like I was just marking time with therapist #2 for most of our work together.  As my work with Therapist #2 ended, I was finally ready to start to tackle with EMDR the personal and professional trauma I experienced in 2005 (see my 2005 - 2020 recap post above).   I ended up spending the rest of 2019 and the first few months of 2020 with my my regular therapist (#1) dealing with that trauma.  And the majority of 2020 in the COIVD pandemic environment, I started to talk ab out GF #1 and GF #3,  and how the my relationships (W/ Finance #1, Wife, and GF #1) played out and how they were all coloring relationship with GF #3 (yes I skipped GF #2) and affected me.

So after hearing me acknowledge my triage approach to my therapy, she asked me what is is I wanted to really focus and work on.  After meditating on it for a week I had it boiled down to two things, both inter-related:

1) Finding my happiness again
2) trying to sort out what I liked and dis-liked about my relationship with and about GF #1

I really felt that it was time to put in some concentrated effort and more focused work on my therapy.

Which brings me to what I really think is the reason, I'm sharing this today.  During my therapy session this morning, I told her, that I needed to also begin to address the big topic I had been avoiding for the better part of the last 4 years....  My gender identity issue and how it is coloring everything else.



Offline Myranda

  • ****
  • Posts: 223
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #102 on: September 29, 2020, 01:43:21 pm »
One of the things my therapists keeps encouraging and reminding me to do when I'm finding my thoughts getting stuck on the negative and things I cannot control is to slow down and stop and look around and remind myself of all the positive things I have in my life:

Positives:
1) A Steady Job with good pay and benefits
2) I own my own home, so I have a safe place that is all mine.
3) I share custody of my daughter and get to spend plenty of time with her.

But ever since my ex-wife left, I feel like my life has been a series of never ending disappointments, heartaches and let downs.  And I guess that all started about a year before my ex-wife left.  We seemed to be little more than glorified roommates.  in many ways we were estranged, she would do her things with her girlfriends from work, and I would get home after my very long commute and have to fend for myself and take care of out daughter.  One of her younger girlfriends from work would pretty much spend every weekend with at our house, and would even bring her laundry to our house.  We stopped talking and communicating and or rather she stopped listening.  I remember one night in the early fall before she left, we had gone into the city to spend the night, have a nice dinner out and see a comedy show to celebrate our anniversary, and after the show as we were casually strolling through the city, she insisted on popping into some club to see this same friend who happened to be in the city with some of her cousins.  I should also point out that on our way into the city, my ex-wife brought this up in the car and I told her that tonight was supposed to be just about us, and that we rarely get a nice night out to ourselves and we see her friend all the time.  But My protests both in the car and waling through te city fell on deaf uncaring ears.

As it relates to my job and the security that it provides, in the time since my ex-wife left,  I have applied for my Boss's position twice when it was vacant, and an intermediary supervisor position in my unit.  All three times, I've made it to the short list, only to be passed over and see less qualified and experienced people promoted or brought in.  I've also applied for at least a half a dozen other positions within our organization, and have thought those interviews had gone really well, only to find out I didn't get the job, including an interview back on the 16th.  And on the 24th, I got the email from HR that I was not selected.    Now in my organization, thew hiring process progresses in waves.  It can either be fairly quick and short, or it can take an exceedingly long time.  A Part of that is because HR doesn't normally tell you that you didn't get the position until they have a start date for the person who did.  Well 8 days from the last interview until getting the email from HR is unheard of.  So I'm a bit bummed. 

I've been in my current position for 12 years now.  As much as I love my job and enjoys the opportunities it h as provided me, I've become bored and worn out, mostly as a result of decisions made by senior leadership and the toxic environment that they created and are either promoting, or are completely blind or don't care about.  Several of my close colleagues who I've worked with more many of the 12 years, as welkl as myself have been told by the one senior leader we all respect that h is boss doesn't care if we are happy  or if we stay or go.  We are all convinced that he is not giving us due consideration for promotions and opportunities because we know where the proverbial bodies are buried.

And I'm just ready for a change.  For many people their mood, and outlook on things is directly tied to their job satisfaction.   And I'm no longer satisfied in my job, and I'm ready to move on.  But I also feel trapped here.  My options for seeking new opportunities are limited by my circumstances, namely I want and need to sty near my daughter, but I'm also heavily vested towards my retirement, so I'm stuck in the same general geographic area and I really cannot move to far (plus I've only been in my house for 3 years).

I JUST NEED A WIN.  I know I have 3 super strong and important positives positives above, and I do understand that a lot of one's happiness comes from within, but I have found myself really dstuck and needing an external boot to my ego, some sort of external valdiation of my worth. 



Online Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 32,254
  • Reputation: +47/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #103 on: September 29, 2020, 02:00:34 pm »
@Myranda
Dear Myranda:
Thank you for sharing your update with me and the rest of your followers....  we are honored to be involved in your journey... but only as you feel comfortable sharing.

I am so very glad to read that you are focusing and thinking about all the "positives" in your life.

While it is important to understand the negatives, it is vital that we don't dwell on them....  we then need to ponder what actions and thoughts we can take to overcome the negatives and neutralized them or at best turn them into positives.

I am certain that you are aware of my following thread....
                            Positive Mindset... put away negativity

  if not, click on the link below and take a look at the several first postings and read the rest if you are so inclined:
    https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.msg2143336.html#msg2143336

There are over 2 years and over 400 comment replies from our members contributions on that thread... lots of positive and uplifting information for sure.

Again, thank you for your continue sharing of your journey...

HUGS and as always, best wishes.
Danielle


My favorite quote and personal mind-set regarding this comes from Winston Churchill as he penned the following quote during England's dark days during World War 2.
       "A Pessimist see Difficulty in every Opportunity,
           an Optimist sees Opportunity in every Difficulty"
« Last Edit: September 29, 2020, 05:51:03 pm by Northern Star Girl »
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Myranda

  • ****
  • Posts: 223
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #104 on: September 29, 2020, 03:51:15 pm »
Thanks Danielle,  Yes ,that thread was part of the inspiration for sharing this today.  And  I am making a much more concerted effort to not allow myself to dwell on the negatives in my life.  And there are many negatives in my life.

If only wishes and desires were enough to make things happen.  I know I can only control my actions and my own reactions, and that I have no control over others.  But in addition to the above problems, not being able to have someone that I can feel safe in opening up to makes it all that much harder.  Having a reliable therapist is great, but it is all those time between sessions, that I really struggle.  Especially when it comes to GF#1.  I'm still quite stuck there and I did a fantastic job screwing that all up and want nothing more than to fix that up.  And as I alluded to a couple of posts up, I'm still avoiding the reasons why I'm even here on this forum. 

I've feel like I've just somehow made a giant mess of everything, and there is no light illuminating the way forward, so I'm just left fumbling around in the dark, putting 1 foot in front of the other, not making any progress on anything to get myself out of this mess.

I'm also grateful and cognizant of the fact, that there are others, here and elsewhere, who are much worse off.  Doubt and regret are such powerful, insidious forces.  They crept up on me and have "crippled" me before I even knew I was besieged by them.  And they are only reinforced by and grow stronger with each defeated effort to break free of the web I've found my self entangled in.

But all this said, I'm taking some comfort, that I have found the strength to share all of this with the anonymous denizens of the interwebs.  I'm no longer bottling it up like I have in the past.  If someone asked me what my super power was I'd have to reply: "Bottling things up and shoving them so deep down that you forget all about them."



Offline Myranda

  • ****
  • Posts: 223
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #105 on: October 24, 2020, 03:05:10 pm »
Just a small and quick note here:

The other day, I received the link to the annual "Employee Viewpoint Survey" via my work email.  After he usual questions about the work environment and how support your supervisor and senior leadership are yada yada yada,  there is the usual non-ascribable/non-associatable,  demographic questions about the individual responding to the survey.  After age and race there is the traditional male or female, and now listed non-binary question.  The next question, asks if you are transgender.  Without thinking I clicked yes and then submit.

It wasn't until after I clicked submit that I realized what I had done, and then some of the usual fears about my "employer at large"  and their current war/campaign against us all.  But I reminded myself th at in the past this survey and others like it painted some not so flattering things about my Regional office and no one was he wiser about who answered what, except the few cases when there were opened ended written responses and individuals were foolish enough to provide enough detail that could point them.

I'll chalk this up to another small, but important win for me.



Online Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 32,254
  • Reputation: +47/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #106 on: October 24, 2020, 04:06:54 pm »
- - - - -
    ----    snipped------
The next question, asks if you are transgender.  Without thinking I clicked yes and then submit.

It wasn't until after I clicked submit that I realized what I had done, and then some of the usual fears about my "employer at large"  and their current war/campaign against us all.  But I reminded myself th at in the past this survey and others like it painted some not so flattering things about my Regional office and no one was he wiser about who answered what, except the few cases when there were opened ended written responses and individuals were foolish enough to provide enough detail that could point them.

I'll chalk this up to another small, but important win for me.

@Myranda
Dear Myranda:
You are correct... an important win and stepping stone in your transition and eventual coming out.  Dropping hints and breadcrumbs like this during your journey could work to your advantage.
Thank you for sharing and posting.  Everyone here on the Forums are rooting for your success and happiness.

HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Myranda

  • ****
  • Posts: 223
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
Re: Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness
« Reply #107 on: October 24, 2020, 07:10:35 pm »
@Myranda
Dear Myranda:
You are correct... an important win and stepping stone in your transition and eventual coming out.  Dropping hints and breadcrumbs like this during your journey could work to your advantage.
Thank you for sharing and posting.  Everyone here on the Forums are rooting for your success and happiness.

HUGS,
Danielle

Danielle,
Thank you for the continued encouragement and support.



Tags: